Break-ups

So, I am part of 20sb is a great networking place for 20 something bloggers (20sb) to get together, network, receive feedback and make friends :) It's pretty cool! On the main page there's this section with discussion topics going on. Last week a friendly blogger posted a discussion "How do women get over a break-up?" Interesting, hu? A dude posted this discussion.

He started it off like this:

I'm pretty sure men just have sex with anything and everything the minute they get broken up with. But I highly doubt it's the same for women. Unless it is, I don't know.

What do you think?

(this was written by The Titan Project)

There was a number of responses to this discussion... it's been going on for about a week.

98% of the responses were from women, of course. There was one response from another dude and a reply from the author of the discussion.

Anyways, most of the gals had the same responses....some of them were stereotypical responses that were to be expected.

- I cry my eyes out and eat ice cream
- I watch chick flicks
- I listen to empowering girl music
- I hang out with my girlfriends
- I too fuck anything and everything
- I make myself busy
- I delete the ex from any and every social networking site

I cringed at the stereotypical responses, the ones like eating ice cream, and watching chick flicks. OY! I know I'm guilty of doing similar things.

So, I knew I wanted to respond to this discussion but I wasn't sure how to. Then I thought long and hard about it and came to this conclusion. Here was my response:

well.. thinking about my most recent break up... it was kinda of like a mourning period... u know those 6 steps of mourning some1s death.. i feel like thats what went on with me...

1. The first month after the break-up he and I were both in denial about it... and trying to give each other hope for the future "we just need to grow individually and maybe next year it'll work" LAME!! I know!!!
2. depression period
3. The "I DON'T NEED YOU I'M BETTER THAN YOU!!!" period (which entails deleting boy from everything :) ) Having a bajillion crushes!
4. ANGER ANGER ANGER (incorporated with a bunch of internet stalking)
5. Well.. i have yet to get there.. but i've gone through this before so! step 5 is probably the coming back to reality and being okay with urself and being alone...slowly coming back and regaining some normalcy
6. WOOHOO!!!! NEW BOY IN LIFE!!!!!... and hoping and praying not to go through this all over again :)

Of course everyone goes through their own thing and deal with break-ups differently, but I think that if we all really look closely at our break-ups I truly believe that there is some sort of process that we go through, similar to the one I wrote above.

Now, with men.... sigh.... I really do hate how this guy started the discussion because I hate the fact that that's how most men deal with it. He basically put men and women in 2 different categories when really all men and all women don't react in those 2 separate ways. I've talked to dudes, some have said that men are more emotional and weaker than women, that it does take longer for them to get over a break-up than it does for women. But I've also seen men have the ability to jump from one relationship to the next...relationship hoping if you will :) Maybe men are just better at hiding their feelings, and its easier for them to sweep the emotional shit under the rug?

The one dude that came up with an actual response to this discussion wrote a semi-good response. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. He, too, sort of categorized men and women in their own stereotypical groups. I do sort of like how he wrote this excerpt, but I don't at the same time....

Best way to view a relationship is to compare it to a paycheck: if you feel like you are expending too much of your time & energy for the chump change you receive in return, then you will quit your job and find another. If you feel like you are earning as much as you deserve, then you'll stick around & see what happens. And if the money is just rolling in, then you are gonna make damn sure you do everything you can to keep your job--even if it means working overtime.

(This was written by Audience of One)

I mean he does make a good point about the idea of give and take and having an equal balance there... but at the same time I definitely do not like how it sort of made relationships sound sterile and not wholesome.

I guess that whole "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" idea makes sense.

In any case, I would love to have a better truer response from a male... because I refuse to believe that fucking anything and everything is the cure to a males side of a break-up.... I refuse!!! Maybe it's also because I'm in denial, because I honestly do believe that that's all men care about. I know, not all men are like that... I guess I just haven't met the right one yet ;)



What are your thoughts, dear readers?

<3

Apologize!

Minus the Bounty part of this.... lets all sing this together!

I'm sorry..... so sorry.

I've recently been writing letters back and forth with this friend of mine who has done me wrong in the past. He apologized in his last letter to me, but what got to me, and this is something I've realized so many times before, was : WHY CAN'T MEN SAY THEY ARE SORRY. All you have to do is say or write "I'm sorry." Two very simple words. Very simple.

Now, I understand you have that fuckin' ego thing in the way but seriously... in all of my relationships with men not one that I can remember have ever said "I'm sorry" when they were clearly in the wrong. They have either 1. Denied it 2. Blamed it on me or 3. Said it in so many words just not by using those 2 simple words.

Gah!!!! It's just so frustrating. I know I'm being sexist here. I understand that both men and women have trouble apologizing. It just seems that every man I've run into, and men that some of my gals know, just don't have those 2 words in their vocabulary. It also seems that, okay, while these 2 words do exist in a males vocabulary they seem to vanish out of thin air once they enter a relationship. It's just all so confusing. I hope all of you that don't know how to own up to your shit, know that we do see that as you being weaker rather than stronger....right?

Anyways, maybe I'm being too negative about this all. I mean, maybe it is better that in the 3rd instance men do use all those words instead of "I'm sorry" because those other words, those acknowledgments, have more meaning? I hope that makes sense...

Take me for example. I apologize all the fuckin' time. I apologize way too much. I apologize so much that my coworker has started yelling at me about it. So maybe that makes my "I'm sorries" less meaningful? For stupid little things that clearly aren't my fault or I have no reason to be apologetic for my "I'm sorries" mean nothing. When it comes to serious matters, if I realize that I'm in the wrong, I will say "I'm sorry" and I will fuckin' mean it.

I get that having to say your sorry is a really hard thing to do, I get it. Denial isn't going to get you anywhere, because denial only means that you know you're in the wrong and you can't be strong enough to just give it up. Blaming me is complete bullshit, that just shows how unrealistic you are. Saying you're sorry in so many words I think is the best. So, scratch out that first paragraph of me bitching about this dudes lack of ability to say "I'm sorry" he did own up to his actions.

So, while I started this post with being pissed off that my friend didn't write those 2 words I'm okay with what he did write, he did acknowledge my feelings and by doing that he apologized. All you other dudes that deny and blame.... change your game because I don't know how long you'll last..... :)

I guess the problem is, is not realizing we are in the wrong. Maybe that's it. Maybe men just don't realize when they're in the wrong. They aren't as sensitive to other peoples feelings are women are. Once again, I'm not trying to be sexist, I'm sure there are men out there that are sensitive and in tune to other peoples feelings. I guess I just need to work on which men I allow into my life.

The thing is though, when I think about the main men that have come and gone in my life, they were super, hyper, uber sensitive, as much as they want to deny it, they were...still are. Which I guess comes to the conclusion that you can't get a good "I'm sorry" from a super sensitive man nor a hard core bad boy. The in-betweener would be a gals best bet.

So men, ya'll need to either learn how to say "I'm sorry" or how to acknowledge someones feelings. Ya'll need to stop being in denial and take the fuckin' blame! I know I'm not perfect and I know I've probably been in the wrong and have been in denial or blamed others at one point or another but, after all I am a woman and I am almost... well, pretty much 100% perfect ;)


hehehe... I allow you to yell at me :)



And! To bring this back full circle. You boys that don't know how to say "I'm sorry" you may want to look into having a relationship with Bounty :) The other boys out there that do know how to say "I'm sorry" or acknowledging feelings here's a big THANK YOU. Thank you for picking up after your mess!

So, let's all say "I'm sorry" and own up to it!!

<3

p.s. While I do realize this was a men-bashing post, I would like to strongly stress again that I know women can be at fault of these things too.... it's just easier to blame you men...shit, there I go, putting the blame on you guys ::slaps hand:: ... sigh.... This does not discredit anything that I've said!!!!!!