So, I know I've written silly posts, serious posts, and posts that have helped me figure me out through this journey in singledom. Here I go, so, I see a therapist about once a week, it was one of my goals when I moved back to the east coast 6 months ago. The last visit with her I was sort of at a low point. Behind my silly posts and my posts where I seem strong and defiant and feeling A-OKAY about being a single woman, there is a sad desperate me. In all seriousness, jokes aside on this post...
I kind of hit a wall in my last session. I felt like I was just kidding myself in this whole process. I look at my exes who have moved on, are in new relationships, or even married and I look at myself and don't understand why I am always left being single. (Note: There is nothing wrong with being single. It's actually quite lovely! You can be as selfish as you'd like! Go where you want, do what you want etc.). It only makes me think "Is there something wrong with me?!!?!?" Of course when I asked this question I was semi-yelled at "NO!" But how can I help feeling this feeling of helplessness?
I went on to tell my therapist how much I hate how desperate I am. How I try to accept this being single, this not being on a path I thought I'd be on by now. Then she presented me with a question: "Well, Neomie, what is the difference between being desperate and having passion towards something?" I saw clearly what she was getting at, I get it, I know! I replied with "Well a desperate person has that want and need for this thing, but they want it so bad that it's sad and that they kind of end up feeling helpless....they have no confidence in getting what they want..." Passion?!?! Well, I thought that was an easy answer "Passion is when you also want something so bad, you have so much love for it but you have, you own that confidence in attaining that passion."
So, I guess the big question here now is, "where's the confidence?"
When we were all 18/19 most of us created some sort of plan for ourselves, even if we weren't serious about it, we still sort of hung onto it, it's still in us. We all set goals for ourselves- "Where will I be when I'm 30?" type of goals. Back then I thought life was a bitch but by the time I'd turn 30 I'd be with my future husband, have a stable career and start thinking about having babies and starting a family. I'm 27...30 is coming up around the bend.... and it doesn't look like I'm headed towards that dream/goal/plan I had. Yes, I still have that plan, but I just have to change that #....that age. There's a shift in my plans now, it's not as cookie cutter as I hoped it'd be. So, that's where my confidence went...my plan failed, so therefore... I have failed.
Shake that shit out of your system!!!!!!! Pronto!!! That, my friend, is where my desperation stems from.
It's not only bad that I feel this, but I also get it from my mother. Pushing my age and not having that jewish husband...oy!!!
Where do I go from here? How do I change the feeling of desperation into passion? How can I gain confidence?
Being/thinking/living positively rather than negatively? Just accepting this, giving in and let whatever happen, happen?
I've tried it all!! So, universe, I look up at you at night and you give me no answers. I've got nothing to work with.
On a more positive note. I love how I've challenged myself these past few months. If I wasn't single none of these milestones would've been accomplished. I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned how to start loving myself and all of that cheesy crap.
I'm completely open for love and from this day forward I will stop looking at it in desperation but with passion. When it's time, it's time...I just wish the time was now..haha!
Thanks for reading!
