Bulls and Horns

So, I was gonna start this post out by saying something like "you know how I can be really lame about love and fighting for it and all that crap?" but then I stopped myself and said to myself... dude, I am not lame for believing in love and for fighting for it and for loving love so hard. I'm not lame at all, I'm just a mothafuckin' lover of love! Is that so bad?

I have mentioned this person a few times but I never really had a post devoted to him. I was debating writing out my history with this boy, but I don't think I will. Now, I know I almost fall in love with every boy I meet... it's more-so like an infatuation, than love... then reality sets in and I'm like "oh, hmm... yeah.. naaahhh." I'm glad that recently I've been able to be more quick to  know whether being with a certain person is worth my time, even though there is that infatuation.... I shouldn't say worth my time.... I should say.... whether being with a certain person is the right thing to do at this time in my life. I know I'm ready for a serious relationship and I know what I want and what I don't want... well I primarily know what I don't want, which I guess leads me to know what it is that I do want... Anyways!!! I'm glad I'm a better judge with all of this...

Another thing I want to mention is that this past year or 2??? I have been able to get over past "infatuations" and exes and blah blah blah.... i think? haha And! I feel like I've been grabbing love by the horns... possibly??? hopefully??? maybe I'm delusional in that aspect? haha

This one though, this one.... he's got a hold on me.  Ok, fine! Maybe I'll give a brief description of my relationship with him. I've mentioned him a few times but I don't think in detail. I think I even recently gave him the name Mr. Orange. The first time I lived in CA Mr. Orange and I dated casually. He lived an hour away from me but we saw each other almost every weekend... from what I can remember? Maybe every other weekend at times.... it was a casual relationship ... and it was an awesome one. It wasn't a  fuck-and-leave casual relationship. It was one where we spent time doing things... we went to museums and went on dates, comedy clubs, movies blah blah ... we had fun! He had just gotten out of a serious relationship so he didn't want anything serious... i kinda wanted it (of course), but I was cool with the casualness as well.

So, then I moved back east and that obviously ended. We've been in touch ever since. He's a really great guy. Even though we don't talk every day or every week, he has always popped up in my life when I've struggled and he's been extremely supportive. Like, insanely, amazingly supportive. He's an all around awesome guy.

Anyways, that was a really short description of him... I'm keeping his description short and sweet... I dunno why I don't want to like write a novel about him like I have with others....

Y'know how I've sorta been grabbing the bull by its horns? I did with this one too. I wrote him an email. I really really feel strongly about him, he's always been in the back of my mind and I've always felt that there was unfinished business with him and I. I wrote him to express my feelings and to find out whether it was worth it for me to hold on to these feelings. He doesn't live in CA anymore but he still lives far away. I wasn't asking for a long distance relationship because we all know that'll just fuck shit up. I just wanted to know if there could be a possibility for us if/when geographical circumstances were different.

Here's the thing... with Mr. Hands and Mr. High School I liked them a lot I did, but I ended it with them because I knew/felt that they weren't in it as much as I was. With this guy, Mr. Orange, I know he has feelings for me... I do. I just don't know how serious and I want to know what his thoughts are on this. We've talked about us jokingly, but I just want to know. That's a problem of mine. I always just want to know everything and I pry too much sometimes, and sometimes I don't pry at all!

I wrote, what I think, to be a pretty good letter! But! I guess it might've been confusing? I dunno, he text me as soon as he read it and there was some kind of misunderstanding. Anyways.... I tried to clear up the confusion... and I haven't heard from him since. Which is okay, I get it... he's gotta take time to process it and marinate on it and what not... I get it. BUT! haha there's always a but! I'm kinda like... eeep!! waiting!! waiting! waiting! I'm seriously on edge. Whatever the outcome, it'll be okay. I just, i'm fighting for this.

I feel really level headed about this too. Which might be unbelievable coming from me :) But I'm trying to take the neccessary precautions. Like, I'm trying to be realistic.... even though me writing a "love letter" (hahaha) to a boy 2000 miles away isn't really realistic, my feelings in this is more realistic than I think they've ever been. If things turn out to be positive with him I'd be really excited to take it slow and to not rush into something.

Anyways, we'll see. Until I get a response, I'm just gonna be wrapped up in anticipation (said the way Time Curry does in Rocky Horror).... and if I don't get a response... then that'll be my answer and  I'll slowly let it go.

In conclusion, grab the bull by its horns and just fuckin' go for what you want! While it might seem pointless, who the fuck cares, just do it! It felt really random just writing him the letter, but seriously, why wait? Why not just dive in? And, while you might get hurt doing so, it'll at least make you stronger and it'll save you time and energy!

<3

ADLD

Before I get into the meat of this post, I'd just like to say how much I LOVE Sunday mornings! I wake up, semi-early, put on my robe and slippers, heat up some water and sit at my kitchen table with my coffee and lap top.  So here I am, sitting at my messy kitchen table with my sink full of dirty dishes behind me, completely content with my coffee and the warmth my home has to offer :) Definitely taking a step in the right direction towards loving this whole thing... this whole apple orchard way of life... skipping my way down a beaten and bare path to my gold rush trees.... anyways!


ADLD!!!?!?!?!

What is this new epidemic, this new neuropsychiatric condition!! Okay, I know I shouldn't make fun of serious things, but to me, this is serious!

Attention Deficit Love Disorder

I was studying the other day for a midterm and I could not, for the life of me, focus! Then, while I was driving to class that night, it hit me! I have ADLD! When I fall for boys, when I begin relationships my head is all over the place, it's rewired, I cannot focus... or I actually focus too much! It's almost like I focus way too much that my thoughts are a mess that causes me to not think clearly! Does that make sense!? I can't just pay attention to the now and what is happening right now in relationships because I am too busy thinking about tomorrow and next year.. will this last, will it not, does he like me as much as I like him, I don't want to do anything that'll freak him out...blah blah blah.

It might not be linked entirely to ADD, but that's the first thing that popped up in my head. I seriously feel like I become a different person when I'm with a boy I really like. Something in me shuts down and I'm like "WAHHH!!!!!!".... with a nice calm smile on my face.

I know people can't think clearly when they like someone because they're all infatuated and "ahh he/she is so dreamy," you wander off. But I seriously sometimes think something is wrong with me! haha I don't remember ever being like this until recently. Wait... nevermind... I can.

So, what's the cure? Is there a form of Ritalin for this type of disorder? There isn't, unfortunately. So, my ADLD friends, where do we go from here? (I understand I just put you all in the same bag as me, I know not all of you have ADLD, it's just so lonely in this psycho-loveless life!!!!! sigh... :) ) I can either give the cheesy expected advice and say "well, the only cure to this is self actualization and believing in yourself," or I could tell you to find some kinda drug that's like a truth serum or something that will leave you careless but who wants that kind of numbness? Fine, cheesy advice wins because I can't really think of anything else!!!

I gotta believe in myself more. It's something I realize I struggle with like crazy! This is, truly, I think, my only cure to ADLD. If I focus more on me and build a strong trusting relationship with myself I won't have to worry about tomorrow, the future, whether he really likes me or not, and I'll  hope that I'll freak him out and that he accepts me with open arms!

Ya know, I really like the whole metaphor of the dating world being like an over-picked apple orchard (read last weeks post). I'm going to keep that in mind. So far I think it's the best way that will help me visualize and feel comfortable with this journey I'm on. There's another thing for you to think about, maybe come up with a relateable life event or activity or something that can help you deal with whatever qualms you may be struggling with, if you are struggling with any at all.  I really believe that there are Gold Rush apple trees just waiting for me to pick. Great way to tie in last weeks post!!! ::pat on back::

Maybe my apple orchard is my ritalin.

<3

Apple Pickin'

So, I went apple pickin the other day with a friend of mine. I was telling her I didn't know what to write about for this weeks blog post. I had some ideas about things my coworkers and I bitch about... how we always give men excuses, how they are all up in our grills the first month or so and then disappear. It's like, you get used to a way someone treats you and then when they stop doing it, it's hard to adjust or to even take it without taking it personally..... anyways.... I didn't want to write another post bitching about men.

My friend gave me a good idea. She told me to write about the apple picking and how our experience is very much like the dating world. I mean, when we started into the orchard all the trees were bare. No apples in sight. As we got deeper into the orchard we saw a few apples here and there hanging on the branches.... they were all scarred, bruised, or rotten. There were also a bunch of rotten ones hanging out on the ground. The further we got away from the entrance, the deeper we got, the more apples we found. We passed by people walking back to the entrance with full boxes. I remember being jealous, I wanted that happiness, the fulfillment of finding my very own apple... picking my very own apple from a tree. Finally, we hit a gold mine far far off from the entrance. Granted along the way we did steal some apples that were sitting ever so nicely in boxes here and there... we think they were strategically placed there. Anyways, in the end, we found our apples! Gold Rush apples!

You start off with nothing. Then you go through ones that are tattered and torn. The good ones are already picked. Then, eventually, hopefully, you find your mecca. You find your tree full of fruit to offer you. There are no rotten ones, none that are bruised or scarred, all the good ones are there waiting for you.

I guess finding your future husband is like apple picking. You enter the orchard of men all wide eyed and excited, full of anticipation, hope, your heart is wide open. In the distance you see a few but as you get closer you find out that they are rotten, they're not good enough for you, they'll just give you an upset stomach. As you trudge through the rotten trees, you begin to loose hope but you know, you know there's gotta be someone out there. It's tough on the heart when you see everyone around you happy and in love and you're still going through the battlefield. Then finally, you find the one.

hahaha... I know I repeated the scenario over and over.. I just felt that I couldn't get it right...but I'm pretty sure you get my drift. I'm gonna keep on walking through the orchard with my head held high, because I know my tree is out there, just waiting to be picked... until then, I'll steal a few glances here and there and possibly entertain the idea of a rotten apple... inspect it a bit.. maybe it wont be so bad while I'm trudging along :)

Now, what to do with the apples? Apple sauce? Apple pie? Apple butter? Apple dumplings? Apple cake? etc.... hehehe

<3

Loverut

I feel like I'm stuck in a loverut.... it's a rut that's got everything to do with love.

It's funny, Ive been obsessively re-watching Felicity on netflix and there was this one eps that they had fun with and it was about Felicity going to The Clinic to fix her broken heart. The Clinic turned out to be some place they took out your heart and replaced it with something else so you wouldnt feel the emotion of heartache, but with the lack of heartache came the lack of love. She realizes that she would rather feel the pains of love if that meant she could feel the joys of love too.

I too would rather feel the pains of love so i could feel the joys of love. But for now, I'm in love-rut heartache central. Not only that though, I feel some weird changes happening inside my head and heart. I guess I'm not in a love-rut and I'm not suffering from heartache (okay maybe just a little) but I seriously don't want to entertain any seducers unless I feel that its worth it... unless I feel that it could be serious.

Like Mr. Gym for example, the twin, I knew right away not to entertain the idea...then I was like "ehh maybe I could try it." And, well, maybe it's that he's suuuper young that he's super immature and doesn't know how to treat a woman, or maybe he just doesn't know how to treat a woman, period. But just entertaining him and letting him distract me was pretty pathetic. The only romantic thing about him was the craigslist post.

I had a dream with Mr. High School in it last night. I don't know why but I can't stop thinking about him. I was actually talking about him to my coworker and I was telling her how he was like the first guy I've ever been with that really was a man. A real MAN. He wasn't a boy, or a boy trying to be a man, he was/is 100% man. It made me feel like a woman.... he made me feel like a woman. Now that I think about it, maybe if him and I aren't meant to be maybe the thing that I miss about him was me. I mean, let me back track, I think about him a lot, and I wonder if I could've done things differently and I've felt the need to apologize to him and have wanted to so many times but haven't, and a big part of me wants him in my life. Maybe I'm mixed up and maybe I'm not missing him but I'm missing the feeling I felt when I was with him, the feeling of being a woman to this man.

So, I guess that's what I need. I need a MAN who makes me feel like a WOMAN. Then I digress and say to myself, but, I wanna be his woman, and then I need to snap out of it because that obviously isn't happening.

Lame post, but I think I'm getting somewhere. Slowly.... slowly realizing the things that are important to me, and the things that I want. And...possibly, slowly realizing that I do deserve better and not entertaining the thought of some little Mr. Gym who thinks that sending pics of his abs will excite me.

Anyways, I'm trying to make a conscious decision to just not care about boys or think about them or focus my time on them, but not just boys, love as well. I've been thinking of chopping off my hair as a new beginning, to let go of all the weight (figuratively), and maybe it'll act as a good male deterrent, not that they're lining up or anything.....

we'll see...
until next time!

<3

Mr. Cupcake Connection Revisited

Remember way back in March this story popped up Mr. Cupcake Connection? Who would think there would be a sequel to this love (?) story! Since that's happened Mr. Cupcake has still come in to deposit checks by himself or with his twin brother.. yes... did I mention last post he has a twin brother? Well, he does.

Anyways, Mr. Cupcake really is a sweet cute dude but yes, I turned him down because of his age. It's a shame, and I know I shouldn't base things on age but I'm not sure I'm comfortable being that much older than a dude. Age really is just a number, right?! ugh.....

So, there I was sitting at my kitchen table, surfing the web. I decided to check out what was going on on Craigslist for jobs.... sofas... and... missed connections! hehehe Whenever I go on Missed Connections I always put my banks name in the search engine... I see so many customers in the day, that really is my primary means (right now) for meeting potential husbands... even though it really is a limited bunch (i think i mentioned it in Mr. Cupcake Connection post it's either hot young art students or my age and older pretentious business men.). I search my bank and BAM!!! Clear as day.. even clearer than before... MY WHOLE NAME!!!! my namee!!! My name was the subject line to the post " My Name at My Bank in Center City." SHOCKED!!!!! I click it... I read it... it says this:

"You work as a teller at BANK in center city on BLANK street. Your name is MY NAME you always are my bank teller. I would love to take you out sometime. You always make my day when I see you."

Hot Damn!! Could this be it! Could this be the one?!?!!?! Naturally, I reply.  I say this:

hey, 

so... waaah!? hehe Seeing my name up there was WOA!

Anyways, what's your name? Or better yet describe yourself! I'd like to try and see if I know you before you tell me who you are! Also, what type of transactions do you do?... hahaha... let's have fun with this!

Take Care

He replies telling me that he goes in to deposit his pay check and that he comes in with his twin once in a while..... twin... did you catch that? he comes in with his twin. Now, I'm even more in shock and possibly entirely confused. Could this be the twin of Mr. Cupcake?? That would be too coincidental and can I say... INSANE?! I reply back to him asking him if his brother was Mr. Cupcake... sure enough it was. I mean, I've heard of twins being in sync and all this other bizarre stuff... but what are the chances of both of them fuckin' putting up Craigslist missed connection adds and both being into me like that's just bizarre!?

Confused I reply with this: 

 

Hey
so, a few things!

1. I appreciate your kind words. You're a super handsome fella :) (he said I was gorgeous)
2. I know your brother because he did the same thing. So......
3. Part of me is confused by this because i don't know if its coincidental or if ya'll are playin me haha


hope you're having a good day...??..eep...aside from this lil confusion....

 

 Anyways, let me cut to the chase.... we exchanged numbers.... and we've been texting back and forth... I dunno what compelled me to give this one (we'll call him Mr. Gym .. he works at a gym and is all about fitness and blah blah... which is someplace I am not), a chance as opposed to Mr. Cupcake. They're both the same freakin' age! And!! On top of it, I probably have more in common with Mr. Cupcake given that he works at the cupcake place and I love to bake and eat and Mr. Gym works at a gym and works out everyday and I'm a lazy ass!!!! I guess there's just something different about Mr. Gym..... I told Mr. Gym that I don't want to rush into anything and that I'm not sure I'm looking for a romantic relationship. Which surprised me when I text that because while I want love in my life, I feel like I'm not ready for it.... well there's that and... there's.....this..

I keep thinking about Mr. High School and I need to just stop thinking about him. Remember the last time I really conversed with him I tried to get him back and I like gave him my soul and I got no response so I was hurt and then told him not to text me for a while. Well... that was a little over a month ago.... Last week I kinda broke down and text him to say hey... I wanted to tell him I still think about him, but from the vibe that I got from him via text it seemed that he didn't really want anything to do with me (then again this is an assumption I'm getting... via freakin' text where nothing is ever clear). In any case, I'm sure  he has no feelings for me. In fact, I think I might've hurt him, I dunno, I wanted to apologize and blah blah.. but I feel like I really need to let it all go. I dunno why he's got such a hold on me. 

In conclusion, I just need to tell Mr. Gym that the age thing isn't for me, I can't get over the age difference. There's the age and there's also a part of me that feels guilty about not giving his brother a chance too.  I also need to really let go of Mr. High School. We have our 10yr high school reunion coming up, and part of me wants to go just so I can see him... but I don't think that's a smart move. 

Okay! the end! that's it!!!! It's insane how in sync twins really can be.

Happy Sunday! Have a great rest of the week!

 

 

<3

Mr. Asshole

Okay... where do I begin this 10  yr saga!!! OY!

So, I don't know if you remember, but back in the day the internet and meeting people online was a booming thing. If i look back at some of my diaries from like middle school I write about boys I met online and how i had crushes on them and blah blah blah. I would meet them in lame chatrooms. Well, when I was on AOL I would search for people that had the same interests as me.... one of them was Sublime. I met Mr. Asshole on the internet because he liked Sublime. He was 2 years younger than me.

Mr. Asshole was/still is a depressed wreck. I mean maybe he's happier now that he's an "adult" I don't know, but with me he always made out his life to be some horrible depressing worthless thing. I fell for this. I'm pretty sure that I'm the type of girls that goes for broken guys so I can help fix them. Well I don't only go for them, I've had some semi-broken and all together guys. Not that there's anything wrong with either kind. I'm just miss fix-it and always wanna help dudes out and heal up their hearts because everyone deserves love and a happy existence!! (okay ill stop with the cheese)

Anyways, our romance started via chatting online. We share the same birthday and I thought it was a sure sign we were meant to be.... actually i didn't believe him at first because anyone can lie about their birthday!!! (Don't worry, I don't do that). I wrote about him and our first kiss Peck and then later on in a Closure post as well. So, if you've been reading, I guess you know how my mind works, I fall fast and create lovely fantasies. I thought he was "the one," I remember imagining our kids running around with heads full of crazy curly hair. When I met Mr. Asshole on the internet it was I guess my Junior or Senior year of high school?

Then I went away to college and the college I went to was much closer to him than where I grew up. So we met for the 2nd time (the first time i wrote about in the Peck post). He came to visit me and it was a wonderful time. He visited me twice and I visited him once. If you remember my post about Mr. First Love, both of these timelines coincide. Like I said before, Mr. Asshole was a depressed boy, and he would just sabotage anything good, so it was hard to be with him when we weren't hanging out. I couldn't handle it anymore and Mr. F.L. was a stable dude and my feelings were growing stronger for him. So I ended it with Mr. Asshole and dated Mr. F.L for 3.5 yrs.

Damn, this is a really long story.... so we kept in touch still over the years. He moved to CA for culinary school and I was on the east coast, then moved to southern CA when he was in WA, he found new loves, i found new loves blah blah but we would still keep in touch. Anyways, he moved back to the east coast about 3 yrs ago? The same time I did from CA. 

This time is when he got the approved stamp of Mr. Asshole. I let him be an ass to me for a while and just took it as his depression and blah blah.. but this was overboard! So, about 3 yrs ago I moved back from LA and we were excited to be on the same coast and closer finally. So, he came to visit me first. I showed him around the city and he was way more open and excited since the last time I saw him which was probably 5 prior. DAMN! Then I went and visited him in NYC and we walked around and cooked a delish dinner. I can't remember if he came to visit me a second time or not?? I don't think so... then, once, mid week, he asked me to come over and spend the night a random spur of the moment thing. I had the day off the next day so I figured "why not?" I guess he thought I'd say no but I said yes.

I took the Chinatown bus out of philly at 9pm? Got to NYC at 11pm and I remember making a mental note of the last and final bus leaving NYC at 1130 just in case things got fucked. On the bus ride up he said he was gonna meet up with me at the station in NYC, perfect! So, I get there at 11pm, and he's nowhere in sight.... so in the back of my head I knew it was gonna be bad but I still gave it all the benefit of the doubt (something I need to stop doing). I walked to a McDonalds near by cuz they were open 24hrs. I was sitting there and you can imagine the type of people that were there at that time of night.

I waited I think a half hour before I finally got a reply from him, after profusely trying to get in touch with him of course. He said he forgot he promised he'd hang with his coworker at a bar near his work and if I could meet him at his work. He worked at Whole Foods, the one close to ground zero. So, mind you its like close to midnight and I don't have a great idea of where I'm going. I hop on the train and get off the stop that he told me to... from gettin out I had no idea where I was heading so I kind of walked in circles and stopped a few people, the few that there were at this time of night, and asked directions.

I finally found myself in front of Whole Foods. I call/text him for the next 10-15 min, because he of course wasn't there. Finally I get a hold of him and he tells me to meet him at the bar, and its just down the street. Finding the bar was the easiest thing all night. So, I get to the bar and find him and his female coworker already wasted. He kisses and hugs me and tells me how much he loves me. He then gets me several shots. I start to get wasted. I remember his arm was bandaged up and he was telling me and the coworker that I made him do that, which was confusing. Yet he still told me how much he loved me. Then at one point he dared me and the coworker to hook up. I said no because I already felt some weird vibes going on. So then she kissed him and they were hard core making out in front of me.

I was pissed...naturally. Here in front of me is a guy who I dreamed living a life with, I dreamed up our kids. Here he was hooking up with this bitch while telling me he loved me.

They stop kissing and he goes back to getting wasted. Then... THEN!!!! He gets up to go to the bathroom. Now, the bathrooms in this bar wasn't like a ladies room and a mens room with several stalls. It was one person bathrooms. He goes, and she said she had to go too.... so I watch him go into one and her follow him. Theyre there for several minutes and I'm there shocked sitting at the bar alone. It was already 1 or 2 at this time and I remember looking out the window across the street and thinking about just staying at the hotel there. They finally get back and he tells me he loves me. I moved away from him and sat at a table by myself because I needed to regroup.. I was wasted and I needed to regroup. I called a friend in CA to get some advice.. I dont remember much of that convo. Then he followed me to the booth and told me how much he loved me and that he was sorry.

Gosh, my heart is beating so fast reliving this evening.... I told him to shut up and that I didn't believe him. The bar closes and we leave. She of course is coming over to sleep over too. We hop on the train on the way to brooklyn. Midway I have to pee soooo bad!!! We stop at union sq and pee at a convenient store. Then we decide to just take a cab home. On the way home he's sitting next to me telling me how much he loved me. While the girl is like trying to mack it with him.

We get to his place, his card doesnt work because I think he maxed it out at the bar? And the girl was passed out... so I had to pay for the cab ride! woot. We get up to his place and he tells me to sleep in his room and he was gonna set up the couch for the chick. I told him they should take the bed and I'm fine with the couch. He refused so fine, I took the bed.

I passed out and woke up at like 8. I had to piss like a racehorse at this point. So, I got up to go pee. Now, in order to get to the bathroom, when exiting his room you walked right into the living room and you had to walk between the couch and coffee table to get to the bathroom. I open the door, and there I see them ... him on top of her, getting it on, on the couch. I walk pass them. I pee. I walk by them again, at this point they're pretending to be asleep...hahaha. I get my shit together. Realize my sneakers are somewhere in the living room. I go in the living room, she's in the bathroom and he's pretend passed out on the couch. I walk out of the apt shaking in shock with everything that went on. I put my sneakers on. I go to the corner store and ask directions to the nearest train stop. Once I get to Chinatown I got a text from him asking why I left, and that I was no fun. I think i text him to fuck off and I called him and left him a voice message telling him he's worthless and blah blah blah

I didn't hear from him until last year, which was a year later. Apologizing for what happened and realizing what he lost and telling me that when he meditates all he sees is me. Of course I'd eat that shit up, and of course I'd reconsider giving him a bajillionth chance.  We talked for like a month or 2 but he still was an ass full of nothing lacking any kind of substance.

Yet, to this day, when life gets rough I want to contact him and cry on his shoulder. This past year was so tough, and there were so many times I just wanted to contact him to either seek comfort or to yell at. It's insane how I can still bear feelings for someone so disrespectful, so hurtful, and thoughtless.

Of course I wish him well.

Anyways... sigh.... that's Mr. Asshole. Ruined my dreams, broke my heart, and probably changed me in great ways and increased my lack of trust.... something I need to work on.

<3

---------------------------
After posting this I was doing some thinking in the shower and realized I needed to add a few things to this already long ass post :) Looking back on this night is just something I laugh about cuz it was just something so completely ridiculous. I also learned a few things too well still learning a few big things that should come out of this:

1. It's okay if your dreams do not come true. I know we are taught to fight for what we believe in and for our dreams. But I think it's important to realize that there are some dreams that arent worth fighting for when it comes to the expense of your self love and integrity.
2. I've written about this plenty 'o time... stop having crazy expectations. Now, I realize that the expectation to be treated as a human being isn't one I shouldn't expect... I unfortunately expected it from a person that didn't know what that was. It's important to have high expectations for yourself, but it's also important to keep these high expectations realistic and grounded. 
3. Relationships end for a reason. No need to create ideas in your head that they're the one. Life isn't a RomCom or a tragic romance love story. No need to rehash it and try it again and again and again. It's only going to cause you and your partner more unnecessary heartache. 
4. I feel like there was something else but maybe it'll come to me another time :)

So that's that. I think thats the for real end of this post.
live long and prosper... hahaha

<3

confused

ugh

i am so utterly confused about love and everything

i feel like i suck at this love thing

my head is being pulled in 2 different directions and both directions are oblivious to this struggle

and i question my thoughts and feelings, are they real or are they fantasy?

i feel like things were simpler back in the day.... remember in high school when u crushed on sum1 and they crushed on u and u went to the movies and kissed and that was it?

like my last post... sex does destroy innocence and sincerity... i mean it doesn't entirely but its just a whole different ball game.

anyways, i dunno...

maybe i blind myself to the reality of love because I want it so bad. If only I could read peoples minds.... if only I could see the future... gah this is lame...

my friend was telling me I should take more risks... i feel like i have taken risks... but i guess i need to continue taking them.... and i know i always bitch but why cant someone take a risk for me?

I sometimes think/feel I might be going crazy to want something like this so bad. To want love, to want commitment, to want marriage, to want a partner in life.

I create fantasies and ideas and ideals and I have to force myself to get back on the ground and be realistic. Why do I have to dream unrealistic things. Why is it I dream that certain boys are "the one" when they're not. Why do I always feel this strong sense of "he's the one."  I'm blinding myself.

I am seriously love sick.... I'm sick of love, love is seriously driving me crazy and I really do worry myself sometimes. This is too much, it can be too overwhelming... someone call me a doctor, I need some kinda anti-love potion.

I just reactivated my okcupid account on a whim and I was looking at some of these guys and all I could think was "they're not him." But who the fuck knows if HE is it? I was on there for not more than 2 min.. maybe even a minute... and i felt sick to my stomach.

Anyways, this is just my mid-week crisis.  I'll recover soon enough......

On a lighter note!!!!

cant wait to get to writing about Mr. Asshole!! It's a wonderfully entertaining story to tell..... hahahaha!

love love love

<3

p.s. I know I was gonna try and stop the bitching and complaining, but  I just had to throw this one out there. :)