I am reminded of 311.... oh the 90's!
So, I'm feeling a bit pressured, not quite sure how to write this post. There are many things I want to touch on so lets try and see how this goes. I'm all mixed up on several levels. I'm also a little worried as to how to go about writing it all out. I don't want to offend anyone or make a big deal out of anything that really isn't a big deal... if that makes sense??
1. I guess ya'll kinda know that I'm sorta seeing this guy...Mr. High School. I haven't really talked too much about him other than his to die for arms and my lack of expectations. Things have surprisingly been going well between him and I. I think we've really surprised each other. Remember that post about lists I wrote, and I listed things I wanted in a man and in a relationship? Then I wrote another post about how I've ditched the whole list because it's limiting and it doesn't really matter who it is I fall in love with, it doesn't matter who I marry, whether a dude fits my list or not. What matters is he's a good guy, and we communicate well and there's compromise and the relationship is built on a solid foundation... but basically what matters is that he's good and we make each other happy. I'm not, by any means, saying I'm going to marry Mr. High School or that I'm in love with him... I am in TOTAL like with him though.
Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that he doesn't fit the list of things I want in a guy... well... I shouldn't say he doesn't because what mixes me up is that he actually sort of does in some ways, but in ways that aren't what I originally thought. But I seriously just looked back at that Lists post and he really does fit it all... which is interesting because I wasn't even paying attention to the list at all until now. Something that I wrote on the list that he fits in differently than what I had in mind was the whole cultured one. He is completely cultured in a totally different way that I had in mind and I love it, because I love learning things about him...there is still soo soo much to learn!
Conclusion to that is, well, I guess I haven't ditched my list.... I just keep it on the back burner :)
2. Interracial relationships. Mr. High School is of a different race than me, which I obviously have no problem with. Can I just say how much I've always loved interracial couples... they are soo fuckin beautiful. I just love my lame ass white skin up against Mr. High Schools smooth dark skin... it just turns me on. He's beautiful. Another thing about interracial couples... their babies are the most beautiful... just sayin'... not saying Mr. High School and I are going to have babies.. it's just something I've taken note of.
3. While I wrote about in the last post that I lack expectations in this relationship... while I still do... today I caught myself digging myself into a crazy-over-Mr.-High-School hole! It was really bad... and it reminded my of my classmate telling me and another classmate how she doesn't like dating and she pretty much hates the feeling of liking someone. I was like "what!! but crushes are soo great!!!!!" because I'm always pro-love and like and wonderful feelings that lead to kissing and hugging :) But! I seriously found myself hating this feeling!! I got into this crazy dream land unrealistic hole filled with blue skies, rainbows and unicorns then this dark stormy cloud came over head... the dark cloud is basically filled with all these thoughts and feelings of ... not inadequacy... but thats the word that comes to mind... inadequacy backed up by the failure of past relationships.... silly... I know! Then I found myself spiriling down... does this happen to you?!?!!?! Whoever is out there reading this!?! The cloud of Lack of Confidence comes and sweeps the blue skies away. So, in short, I'm not sure I'm liking this liking thing.....I had a bit of a frustrating day so I mean the dark cloud today was definitely a mix of other things as well... but then guess what... Mr. High School called me because he knew I wasn't doin well... now... aint that sweet....
back to la la land I go!
Shit.
help me!
<3
Monday, May 23, 2011
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relationships are hard on a female emotionally because we have to sort through all of the "warm and fuzzy" feelings of starting something new with someone and get down to the real solid feelings that will make or break a relationship. And then we have to deal with having deep feelings for someone, and they might not be on that level yet. So then we have to hold it in and not say anything so we don't seem like we're trying to "rush" things. All of the confusion and the stress of holding back is torture sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI should write a post about this...
I love your comment! Very well said!!! I forgot to mention at the end of my third point that I need to try and remain and be grounded and realistic... so I can try and get down to the solid feelings you mention... then again I just want to have fun with it and see what happens an where it goes....
ReplyDeleteit's 50/50... I want to just have fun and be carefree with it and not stress and I think I'm doing a good job with this... then like yesterday, I can get wrapped up in stupid shit....damn the warm and fuzzies!!!