la la de da

So!!! Crazy how it's only been a week since my last post and I feel like I've done so much and have possibly grown and learned and breathed and enjoyed the things I could do for myself! I dunno if that made any sense.... here's whats been goin on with me!

Sunday Night

After a weekend with a guest/friend I haven't seen in 3 years I had a wonderful dinner with my bestie!! A much needed one :) We talked about our weekend and la de da and I talked about Mr. High School. Because, last weekend there were times anger came over me... anger and sadness. I talked it out with the bestie and I came to the conclusion that I really wanted to be with Mr. High School and I was gonna try to get him back. Now! This is something I've never really done before. This is something new. As I wrote in my post 2 weeks ago I broke up with Mr. High School as I did with Mr. Hands, really wanting them but not getting what I needed,  breaking up with them and ultimately hoping they'd come back. Neither of them did that, which is cool it only helps me get to my future hubby. Anyways! So I've never really chased after a guy.... and I never really thought that after ending things with Mr. High School, that I'd go crawling back to him... I didn't do that with Mr. Hands. In short, I was exploring new terrain and I wasn't sure which way it was going to go and I guess I was okay with that.

I text Mr. High School asking him if he'd be into coming over this week for dinner to talk because I'd really like to make it work. Long story short, the convo was pretty much left with the ball in his court. I told him I didn't want to push him into doing something he didn't want to do and that if he'd wanna hang he can let me know. He really is a good guy... unless I'm completely blind and he's playin me, but from what it seems he's a good guy. I was a bit hopeful but also kinda pretty much knew that I probably wouldn't hear from him... and I was right. I haven't heard from him since, and guess what? I'm okay with it. I really surprise myself sometimes!!!! I was totally torn and heartbroken when I ended it with him because I really didn't want to, I just needed to. Then I went beggin for him, he didn't bite and bam, the end. I think, I guess I'm not feelin' that bad about it because I know I tried, and I told him how I felt and nothing was left unsaid. I feel good about it.

Wednesday

I treated myself to a beautiful bouquet of flowers and cooked myself a delicious dinner.... I freakin romanced myself!

Thursday


I bought me a Kitchenaid mixer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another way of romancing myself!!


Saturday and Sunday


I painted my bedroom brown!!!! Something I've been dying to do because I hated the yellow color it was. This room was a bit of a challenge. I had my heart set on painting the whole room, then a friend suggested I only paint 2 walls I considered it because I got worried it'd be too dark with brown walls!!!! So I freaked sat night and sunday morning but I went back to my original idea of painting the whole room because guess what people... we can always paint it back!!! Anyways, I'm in love with my room!!! I put some awesome lighting and my colorful things just pop out it really is awesome! My brother helped me with the lighting!! Props to him <3


Conclusion

I'm feelin' great! I'm feeling the power of positivity. I'm feeling the enjoyment of romancing myself and doing things for myself and loving the things that I love and allowing myself to enjoy them. A lot of the times I guess I feel like I don't need to or deserve to take the time out to do little or big things for myself. These things matter. In the end you only have yourself you can depend on. 


I was talking with this boy, I've mentioned him several times, he's a friend....ex-lover from long ago...sigh...hehe.. anyways I'll call him Mr. Orange. He asked me if I was making a home for myself and I am. We got to talking about how I'm planning on being in this apartment for another 2-3yrs. I want to make this my home. I've moved around the past couple of years I want a stable place a stable ground a place where I can grow from. This is my home so why not make it me. I just felt empowered by the conversation and I felt a strong sense of confidence in myself. Even though I mentioned that if I meet my future husband and he wants to move someplace else I'd consider it (shit, I know I'd jump on that), aside from that I like that I was okay with the fact that I'd probably be living here by myself for the next 2-3yrs. I guess my path towards singledom acceptance has begun?

I still have my dreams though :) Especially since Mr. Orange and I have been talkin' a lot lately, haha... he's really been an amazing source of support for me this past year and ... well.. yeah, I'll leave it at that. It's really interesting how you can have different relationships with different people. It also necessarily doesn't lessen how you feel about each person in each relationship. We really are people of many faces. 

The Talk

So!

I finally... FINALLY... finally found my balls and was able to have  "the talk" with Mr. High School....it wasn't one of those "official" talks it was "the talk" that I've been needing to have to give me some kind of clarity in this whole situation... gosh, I was super nervous.... first off, yes, the past 2 weeks I've been freaking out.. life has been a bit rough lately and it's affected a lot of me.... but! with that being said I also think that I had sound judgments and concerns with Mr. High School and I.

If only you could hear my inner dialogue through the whole fucking evening. My co-workers thought I was insane, but my friends thought I was normal :) .... or so I think haha

This is how it went down....

The whole week I made 2 rules for myself
1. Don't initiate a thing!!!!!!
2. Don't be all cutesy blah blah blah excited via text

Ultimately both rules meant that HE had to come looking for ME... yes I know... I'm playing the fucking game!!! The fuckin' cursed game! But! A woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.. right? sigh.... right.
I
So!! I felt like I was in control of the situation I "didn't care," I didn't initiate I was on top of the world!!! Finally he initiated a hang out! I played it cool I was like "yeah, sure, if you wanna" hahaha oh I crack myself up.. anyways the night he was supposed to come over he had to cancel because he worked late but he came over the next day.

So he comes over, when he was around the corner I was just leaving my house ... I needed to buy some deodorant, gotta keep them pits fresh!! So he walked with me.. I was still playing it all cool rico suave like... or so I thought.. gosh I'm lame. He suggests we order pizza, I say sure. We get to the pharmacy I go on my hunt for nice smelling deodorant should I get the floral scent, the fresh rain scent, clean laundry... damn! they didn't have my peaches scent!!! Floral it is! I meet up with him, deodorant in hand and him with juice in his. We walk up to the register and I'm thinking "I'm going to buy my deodorant and be a bad ass and not offer to buy him his juice.. yeah! be strong...... you want me to pay for that? I can pay for it....... dammit" My tough girl act can only last so long. I fell weak to this mm mm mm man!

While we walk back to my place he calls and orders the pizza... by this time the ice queen facade wore off and I was just excited to be spending time with him. We get back to my place and in my head I'm thinking "okay girl, you gotta do this, you gotta talk to him... is now a good time? because we are waiting for the pizza, but then when the pizza comes we'll get interrupted and what if it turns out bad what happens then? he eats and leaves?!?!" So, we talk about bears around his work place and the pizza comes.

Finally!! I think to myself, the pizza has arrived we can sit and eat. I offer to eat in the living room, he offers we watch a movie... movie it is!!! A good movie at that!! Shutter Island!! love that movie!!! So, I'm thinking to myself, " we are going to watch a movie, then it's going to be too late to talk, and he'll be tired and will wanna sleep because he's gotta get up early tomorrow, god dammit what do i do! I need to have the talk with him!!!"

The movie is over! so good!!! And we cuddle for  a bit, then we get up to go to bed and he's telling me how he feels like a zombie and I'm thinking "poor guy" and "when am I going to bring it up!!!! AAHH!!!"

We get ready for bed, hop into bed, turn off the lights, and my head is racing so I let out a big sigh... hahaha oy!! He tells me to turn over so he can massage my back!! woohoo!!! A nice relaxing massage! THIS should definitely help! While he's massaging me I'm thinking, "do I bring it up now?? but massages are supposed to be nice and relaxing I shouldn't." So I get all fidgety while he's massaging me and my thoughts are going in circles like this and he thinks he' s hurting me and I tell him "oh, I don't know why I'm feeling so restless" I'm so freakin lame!!!!!

The massage is done. Phew! I ask him if he wants one and he says no. Then its quiet for like a min or so and finally I'm like "fuck it!! this has got to go down tonight!!!!" So I say "Mr. High School (of course I called him by his real name), I have a question." While I say that he's scratching his arm and lets out this "uhhh/ohhh" kind of noise, it was an annoyed sounding noise ... haha he apologized and made sure I didn't think that noise had to do with my question, he politely said "what's your question"

I said... "what are your intentions? what were your intentions when this all began?" ... and.. well.. we kind of took it off from there!

Let me tell you! I felt really good about this conversation!! We talked about a lot of good things .. and we laughed too! Basically it comes down to this, we are just seeing each other, no bf/gf stuff and I take it that we are exclusive, he's not seeing anyone else and neither am I. He mentioned some baggage, which is totally understandable because who doesn't have baggage...shit! If he only knew the baggage I lugged around with me, hot damn! No one is perfect! And! get this!!! He was just playing along with my tough girl act!!!! He was like "yeah, I figured I'd let you do your thing" and I was like "what!!! I totally thought I had you!! I totally thought I had full control!!!! The fuckin game!!!!!!" he was playing it too!!

hahaha!!

But really, the convo went so well and he's so great and easy to talk to, he's so understanding. The conversation we had that night was by far the best I've had with him. We got to a deeper level than normal and we were open and cuddly and laughing and vulnerable. I thought it was a great conversation. Normally in my past serious relationships I've been in, the dudes would either not acknowledge my feelings or would turn it around and make shit look like it was my fault. Hence, why its hard for me to communicate my thoughts and feelings when he comes to expressing them to boys.

But anyways, I can't compare and contrast and say who does what better. Each person is different. Each ex is different and he's different too. We are our own people. It's hard not to bring the past into the now because we learn from experiences and use them as basis on how to handle the next similar thing. It's easy to forget that every situation and every person is different.


I guess we'll just see where the future takes this, us, him, me. I just gotta sit back and just enjoy this relationshipless relationship. Gotta make sure I don't fall off the bandwagon because right now I'm feelin' good!

I guess that's that for now!! I got a blog award that I think, if I remember, I'll share later on in the week!!

Thanks for reading my insanity :)

<3

Let go

So, a lot on my mind.  Last week I had a lot on my mind too and I couldn't quite put it all into words so I put up songs that echoed my thoughts and feelings. I'm going to do a bit of the same deal this post but I'll write more.

First song, I've been obsessed with Adele lately, and specifically this song:




So, things with Mr. High School seem to be going the way things with Mr. Hands did. Again I feel like I'm investing too much of myself into something where I'm not really getting much in return. It was really nice in the beginning of course, don't get me wrong, but then there comes a point where I always get too emotionally invested and expect the same from the other person. Expectations always seem to get in the way. But what was it I said in a post a while ago? It's not that I have high expectations, it's just that I'm not being liked/loved the way I need to be.

Yesterday I did spend the day moping about and being pissed, frustrated, angry, sad about many things in life. While there are promising aspects of my life, everything that I could see yesterday were only the things that were crumbling before my eyes. Sometimes the answers are just in front of you, and sometimes they're not.

Earlier this week, too, I expressed my frustration to my friend about our high school cohort. This year, so many of my high school cohorts have gotten engaged, married, a new born. This is the "typical" age when people reach the beginning of the next stage. I see facebook statuses everyday with something about my fiance this my husband that my baby blah blah blah. Most of those people I'm not really friends with so in a fit of rage and bitterness I deleted them all :)  I realized, after, that it was really childish of me. I'm not saying I'm not happy for them, I am. I'm just a bit...haha... jealous. THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!! I gotta let it go.. let it go let it go.  Let go of it so I can move forward, forward on my own path.

Let go of the past of the what if's and the maybes and could haves and blah blah blah. Because really that's just what it is... "sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead".... unfortunately for me it hasn't lasted yet :) hahahaha


Now for the second song, also by Adele:




RAWR!!! I'm feelin' a bit better today, had a nice brunch with the bestie this morning, that started my day out well :) Then I got home and watched a  couple episodes of a TV show I really feel mimics my life and is sort of an Aesop's Fables for me... with each ending of an episode there's always a moral to be told.  I watched 3 episodes and felt completely motivated to bake and listen to music and dance. This song, Rolling in the Deep, came on first and the deep bass beat just resonated and vibrated in my body and I just felt it and felt so empowered! So I'm owning all of this that I think and feel and I'm letting go of it all... well all that concerns Mr. High School, I should say.

Cause guess what all, I'm a catch! I really am!! Sometimes it's hard for me to truly believe that and feel that, but I really am. If Mr. High School or Mr. Joe Shmo can't see that or appreciate it or fight for it then fuck them all. I deserve just as much devotion, love, commitment, romance as the next person does. And fine, if I have to wait another 5-10 years fuck it I'll have to suck it up and wait. (please universe, please don't make me wait that long....hehe...) but seriously. I'd rather wait 10 yrs and be with my soul mate (cheesy, but they exist), than fall for an idiot and settle and be unhappy for the rest of my life.

C'mon soul mate!!!! Bring it on!! Bring it on!!!! I'm ready for you!!!!! Go Team Soul Mate!!!! RAH RAH RAH! But, if you need to take your time, I understand....sigh..... I guess.

So, that's where I'm at.

<3

Shut it off!!!

Seriously!

I wish I could just stop my thinking...

seriously...

I know I touched on this 2 posts ago, about me and my emotional "specialness," but you know, it's not even emotional "specialness" it's quite simply that  I care.

Women get stamped "EMOTIONAL" and men get stamped "EMOTIONLESS." Fine, women are emotional, we are more emotional than men, can it complicate things? Yes. But really, truly, in the end, we sort it out and figure it out... slowly but surely... it might take us going through a few failed relationships and fights and bs to learn a thing or two about the way a man works... and same for men, I'm sure it takes failed relationships and all that stuff too to learn how a woman works. I should also mention that men aren't emotionless, they have emotions too they just show it (or not show it) in different ways.

All in all... I don't think EITHER of us have it easy. Through my failed relationships, and learned lessons and talks with boys that are friends I think I'm close to getting a good grasp on the mind of a male. Now, I think there are many different types of males and ways they work, but in the end is there ONE word to describe them?

In this relationship that I'm in.. I don't know what to call it though, is it a relationshipless relationship? There have obviously been times when I let my emotions determine what I communicate, then a second, or hour, later the light bulb turns on and I'm like "...oohhh!!! I get it!!!!!!!" Why can't I just get it before I open my mouth ... errr let my thumbs do the texting! I need to stop thinking about things!

Anyways, back to different types of males.... actually.. all men are the same, some just talk and distract you, while others play it cool and just do their thing. So... I do know that mens' actions are their words... their actions speak for how they feel. I just happen to forget about that little but VERY IMPORTANT fact.  oh gosh... I'm confusing myself.. because while mens' actions speak for how they feel ... I guess I should say that some of their actions speak for how they feel.

Example: Mr.  High School comes over a lot and spends the night on weeknights and has to leave my place at 530am to get to work on time. He's sacrificing a lot to do that... he's sacrificing a good nights sleep to be in top form for his job and it's important for him to be alert, but it's not only his job that needs his body and mind to be in top form, he needs it too. So I get he sacrifices a lot to spend time with me and I appreciate it so much. But of course today I freaked out a bit in my head when he asked to put a stop on sleep overs until my school ends (which is in like 3 weeks.. or maybe 2? I don't remember), then we can have Friday nights together. I asked if we were okay, and he said we were... AND WE ARE!!!!!! After I asked him that I realized that, whatever, I took it personally and I let my insane head do all this running around for no reason. If only I could put a stop to it. So this is a prime example of his actions showing how he feels.... and of how I can be emotionally special...

Men are simple, bottom line... they eat, drink, piss, shit, sleep, do things for us and love us. Women are simple in a complicated way we love too much, we care too much, we over analyze too much.... and we eat, drink, piss,  shit and sleep too.  (I'd like to take this moment and remind men how important it is to remember that we piss and shit too :) ).

I was talking to a friend of mine and we were talking about the difference between men and women and I accepted the fact that we are emotional.. not emotional... yes emotional but I just feel that it has such a negative connotation!... we are caring :)  He was saying that bottom line is that men really only think with their cocks... which is interesting because that's a thought I held on to for the longest time... which made it hard for me to really trust what came out of a boys mouth... and with this relationshipless relationship I'm getting rid of that mentality... maybe it'll kick me in the butt later on maybe it wont... I gotta learn to give every guy a fair chance..... until they screw me over and then I say to myself "see I was right, he only thought with his cock."

I must say though, while I get that mens' actions speak their feelings, it's nice to hear how they feel sometimes. Just to support that what we think their actions are saying are right.. if that makes sense... or is that me being too much in my head again? hahaha .... anyways!! Actions=Feelings!!! Actions= Feelings!!! All together now!!! Actions=Feelings!!

Is any of this making sense?!?! How can something so simple, like 2 human beings joining together, turn into something complicated.... I guess it just doesn't have to be... and I guess that's where I need to draw the line....... it's just so hard not to think!

...thoughts?

 :)



<3

Ms. CrazyFace

I had a different blog started but today is different than yesterday and I've got all of these thoughts and feelings floating around inside of me so I might as well write it out! By the way, Ms. CrazyFace.... that's me :)

I think we've all established that I love love, I have a new found love-hate relationship with crushing and that I'm trying so hard to be a realistic grounded person in every and all relationships I enter from this point forward.

It's like what Nicole commented on my previous post  she put it beautifully:

relationships are hard on a female emotionally because we have to sort through all of the "warm and fuzzy" feelings of starting something new with someone and get down to the real solid feelings that will make or break a relationship. And then we have to deal with having deep feelings for someone, and they might not be on that level yet. So then we have to hold it in and not say anything so we don't seem like we're trying to "rush" things. All of the confusion and the stress of holding back is torture sometimes.

It's funny because my cousin said something to me this weekend, he looked at me and said "Don't you seriously believe that women are more complicated than men? Men are so much simpler" Now, I'm not going to get into it because on some levels men are simpler than women but then there are those emotionally fucked up men out there that are worse than 1000 emotional women... maybe even more!!!

But, to some extent, women are more emotionally invested in things... it's not to say that we are complicated, I just think that we tend to adhere to emotional thoughts about a person quicker than men do.... correct me if I'm wrong men. Once again, it really depends, male..female... whatever we are all different but there is a, I guess you could say, greater occurrence of men sharing a certain quality and women sharing one as well. Anyways, I think I'm going off topic.

I'd like to think that I was doing, I guess I could say, a good job, maybe 90%, trying to keep grounded and realistic about Mr. High School. Then BAM! Today came and slapped me clear across the face... I lost control of myself and definitely didn't do a good job holding my emotions in. 

Here's the thing, I feel that with Mr. High School I have definitely let my guard down way sooner, maybe not my guard, but I've been doing things differently... I've been going with the flow and just enjoying my time spent with him and not rushing my emotions and feelings... but yeah today I failed. And it's not to say that its necessarily a bad thing, who knows... who cares because if it is, then it is what it is, if it isn't, then, high five.

I greatly enjoyed my time spent with Mr. High School last night and today... I guess I had expectations, which definitely fucked me over. We were out late walking the city which was really nice, I really enjoyed it.. then we finally got to sleep in!!! Something we've never been able to do considering he leaves for work so early when he stays over. Then he made us a delicious brunch! He tried to help me fix my TV and then he left shortly after.... and.. well.. I didn't get a good grasp of my emotions... I totally slipped up and failed! I didn't fail. But well.. I seriously felt that we didn't kiss enough... go ahead and laugh at me, but I love kissing him. I had also thought we were going to spend the day together.  Ya wanna know why?!?!! BECAUSE I WASN'T BEING REALISTIC!!! It's okay to dream, by all means people, dream away. But seriously, he had shit to do, I had shit to do so fine, he left early. But! I just felt that it was abrupt hahaha.. takes me back to our first date. haha. So, I stupidly text him saying he seemed distant. Which I did feel, but I think it was all me... I mean, it definitely was all me and in my head because I'm stupidly going gaga over him now and my head just isn't working right.

So... he texts me saying he's fine and why I thought that. Then I made the mistake, or not mistake, of telling him I'm falling for him and to disregard my previous text because my head is being silly...

UGH!

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF??

Just when I think I can take a handle of my emotions and finally be in control, I do this. 

So, I haven't heard from him, which is to be expected.... I'm kind of on edge but I mostly don't mind that he didn't text me back, he deserves the time to collect his thoughts in giving me a response... which is to say that I deserve it too?  I think me thinking that, is a big step for me because I probably would've text him again and said something stupid to counteract the outburst of emotion or I would be freaking out right now... which I guess is what this post is coming across as.....

I'm not freaking out about the lack of response from him... I'm freaking out at my stupidity and not just giving myself a simple cooling period before jumping to conclusions in my head :)

Nicole put it perfectly... it's torture.....

<3

All Mixed Up

I am reminded of 311.... oh the 90's!


So, I'm feeling a bit pressured, not quite sure how to write this post. There are many things I want to touch on so lets try and see how this goes. I'm all mixed up on several levels. I'm also a little worried as to how to go about writing it all out. I don't want to offend anyone or make a big deal out of anything that really isn't a big deal... if that makes sense??

1. I guess ya'll kinda know that I'm sorta seeing this guy...Mr. High School. I haven't really talked too much about him other than his to die for arms and my lack of expectations. Things have surprisingly been going well between him and I. I think we've really surprised each other. Remember that post about lists I wrote, and I listed things I wanted in a man and in a relationship? Then I wrote another post about how I've ditched the whole list because it's limiting and it doesn't really matter who it is I fall in love with, it doesn't matter who I marry, whether a dude fits my list or not. What matters is he's a good guy, and we communicate well and there's compromise and the relationship is built on a solid foundation... but basically what matters is that he's good and we make each other happy. I'm not, by any means, saying I'm going to marry Mr. High School or that I'm in love with him... I am in TOTAL like with him though.

Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that he doesn't fit the list of things I want in a guy... well... I shouldn't say he doesn't because what mixes me up is that he actually sort of does in some ways, but in ways that aren't what I originally thought.  But I seriously just looked back at that Lists post and he really does fit it all... which is interesting because I wasn't even paying attention to the list at all until now. Something that I wrote on the list that he fits in differently than what I had in mind was the whole cultured one. He is completely cultured in a totally different way that I had in mind and I love it, because I love learning things about him...there is still soo soo much to learn!

Conclusion to that is, well, I guess I haven't ditched my list.... I just keep it on the back burner :)


2. Interracial relationships. Mr. High School is of a different race than me, which I obviously have no problem with. Can I just say how much I've always loved interracial couples... they are soo fuckin beautiful. I just love my lame ass white skin up against Mr. High Schools smooth dark skin... it just turns me on. He's beautiful. Another thing about interracial couples... their babies are the most beautiful... just sayin'... not saying Mr. High School and I are going to have babies.. it's just something I've taken note of.

3. While I wrote about in the last post that I lack expectations in this relationship... while I still do... today I caught myself digging myself into a crazy-over-Mr.-High-School hole! It was really bad... and it reminded my of my classmate telling me and another classmate how she doesn't like dating and she pretty much hates the feeling of liking someone. I was like "what!! but crushes are soo great!!!!!" because I'm always pro-love and like and wonderful feelings that lead to kissing and hugging :) But! I seriously found myself hating this feeling!! I got into this crazy dream land unrealistic hole filled with blue skies, rainbows and unicorns then this dark stormy cloud came over head... the dark cloud is basically filled with all these thoughts and feelings of ... not inadequacy... but thats the word that comes to mind... inadequacy backed up by the failure of past relationships.... silly... I know! Then I found myself spiriling down... does this happen to you?!?!!?! Whoever is out there reading this!?! The cloud of Lack of Confidence comes and sweeps the blue skies away. So, in short, I'm not sure I'm liking this liking thing.....I had a bit of a frustrating day so I mean the dark cloud today was definitely a mix of other things as well... but then guess what... Mr. High School called me because he knew I wasn't doin well... now... aint that sweet....

back to la la land I go!

Shit.


help me!

<3