The Talk

So!

I finally... FINALLY... finally found my balls and was able to have  "the talk" with Mr. High School....it wasn't one of those "official" talks it was "the talk" that I've been needing to have to give me some kind of clarity in this whole situation... gosh, I was super nervous.... first off, yes, the past 2 weeks I've been freaking out.. life has been a bit rough lately and it's affected a lot of me.... but! with that being said I also think that I had sound judgments and concerns with Mr. High School and I.

If only you could hear my inner dialogue through the whole fucking evening. My co-workers thought I was insane, but my friends thought I was normal :) .... or so I think haha

This is how it went down....

The whole week I made 2 rules for myself
1. Don't initiate a thing!!!!!!
2. Don't be all cutesy blah blah blah excited via text

Ultimately both rules meant that HE had to come looking for ME... yes I know... I'm playing the fucking game!!! The fuckin' cursed game! But! A woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.. right? sigh.... right.
I
So!! I felt like I was in control of the situation I "didn't care," I didn't initiate I was on top of the world!!! Finally he initiated a hang out! I played it cool I was like "yeah, sure, if you wanna" hahaha oh I crack myself up.. anyways the night he was supposed to come over he had to cancel because he worked late but he came over the next day.

So he comes over, when he was around the corner I was just leaving my house ... I needed to buy some deodorant, gotta keep them pits fresh!! So he walked with me.. I was still playing it all cool rico suave like... or so I thought.. gosh I'm lame. He suggests we order pizza, I say sure. We get to the pharmacy I go on my hunt for nice smelling deodorant should I get the floral scent, the fresh rain scent, clean laundry... damn! they didn't have my peaches scent!!! Floral it is! I meet up with him, deodorant in hand and him with juice in his. We walk up to the register and I'm thinking "I'm going to buy my deodorant and be a bad ass and not offer to buy him his juice.. yeah! be strong...... you want me to pay for that? I can pay for it....... dammit" My tough girl act can only last so long. I fell weak to this mm mm mm man!

While we walk back to my place he calls and orders the pizza... by this time the ice queen facade wore off and I was just excited to be spending time with him. We get back to my place and in my head I'm thinking "okay girl, you gotta do this, you gotta talk to him... is now a good time? because we are waiting for the pizza, but then when the pizza comes we'll get interrupted and what if it turns out bad what happens then? he eats and leaves?!?!" So, we talk about bears around his work place and the pizza comes.

Finally!! I think to myself, the pizza has arrived we can sit and eat. I offer to eat in the living room, he offers we watch a movie... movie it is!!! A good movie at that!! Shutter Island!! love that movie!!! So, I'm thinking to myself, " we are going to watch a movie, then it's going to be too late to talk, and he'll be tired and will wanna sleep because he's gotta get up early tomorrow, god dammit what do i do! I need to have the talk with him!!!"

The movie is over! so good!!! And we cuddle for  a bit, then we get up to go to bed and he's telling me how he feels like a zombie and I'm thinking "poor guy" and "when am I going to bring it up!!!! AAHH!!!"

We get ready for bed, hop into bed, turn off the lights, and my head is racing so I let out a big sigh... hahaha oy!! He tells me to turn over so he can massage my back!! woohoo!!! A nice relaxing massage! THIS should definitely help! While he's massaging me I'm thinking, "do I bring it up now?? but massages are supposed to be nice and relaxing I shouldn't." So I get all fidgety while he's massaging me and my thoughts are going in circles like this and he thinks he' s hurting me and I tell him "oh, I don't know why I'm feeling so restless" I'm so freakin lame!!!!!

The massage is done. Phew! I ask him if he wants one and he says no. Then its quiet for like a min or so and finally I'm like "fuck it!! this has got to go down tonight!!!!" So I say "Mr. High School (of course I called him by his real name), I have a question." While I say that he's scratching his arm and lets out this "uhhh/ohhh" kind of noise, it was an annoyed sounding noise ... haha he apologized and made sure I didn't think that noise had to do with my question, he politely said "what's your question"

I said... "what are your intentions? what were your intentions when this all began?" ... and.. well.. we kind of took it off from there!

Let me tell you! I felt really good about this conversation!! We talked about a lot of good things .. and we laughed too! Basically it comes down to this, we are just seeing each other, no bf/gf stuff and I take it that we are exclusive, he's not seeing anyone else and neither am I. He mentioned some baggage, which is totally understandable because who doesn't have baggage...shit! If he only knew the baggage I lugged around with me, hot damn! No one is perfect! And! get this!!! He was just playing along with my tough girl act!!!! He was like "yeah, I figured I'd let you do your thing" and I was like "what!!! I totally thought I had you!! I totally thought I had full control!!!! The fuckin game!!!!!!" he was playing it too!!

hahaha!!

But really, the convo went so well and he's so great and easy to talk to, he's so understanding. The conversation we had that night was by far the best I've had with him. We got to a deeper level than normal and we were open and cuddly and laughing and vulnerable. I thought it was a great conversation. Normally in my past serious relationships I've been in, the dudes would either not acknowledge my feelings or would turn it around and make shit look like it was my fault. Hence, why its hard for me to communicate my thoughts and feelings when he comes to expressing them to boys.

But anyways, I can't compare and contrast and say who does what better. Each person is different. Each ex is different and he's different too. We are our own people. It's hard not to bring the past into the now because we learn from experiences and use them as basis on how to handle the next similar thing. It's easy to forget that every situation and every person is different.


I guess we'll just see where the future takes this, us, him, me. I just gotta sit back and just enjoy this relationshipless relationship. Gotta make sure I don't fall off the bandwagon because right now I'm feelin' good!

I guess that's that for now!! I got a blog award that I think, if I remember, I'll share later on in the week!!

Thanks for reading my insanity :)

<3

Shut it off!!!

Seriously!

I wish I could just stop my thinking...

seriously...

I know I touched on this 2 posts ago, about me and my emotional "specialness," but you know, it's not even emotional "specialness" it's quite simply that  I care.

Women get stamped "EMOTIONAL" and men get stamped "EMOTIONLESS." Fine, women are emotional, we are more emotional than men, can it complicate things? Yes. But really, truly, in the end, we sort it out and figure it out... slowly but surely... it might take us going through a few failed relationships and fights and bs to learn a thing or two about the way a man works... and same for men, I'm sure it takes failed relationships and all that stuff too to learn how a woman works. I should also mention that men aren't emotionless, they have emotions too they just show it (or not show it) in different ways.

All in all... I don't think EITHER of us have it easy. Through my failed relationships, and learned lessons and talks with boys that are friends I think I'm close to getting a good grasp on the mind of a male. Now, I think there are many different types of males and ways they work, but in the end is there ONE word to describe them?

In this relationship that I'm in.. I don't know what to call it though, is it a relationshipless relationship? There have obviously been times when I let my emotions determine what I communicate, then a second, or hour, later the light bulb turns on and I'm like "...oohhh!!! I get it!!!!!!!" Why can't I just get it before I open my mouth ... errr let my thumbs do the texting! I need to stop thinking about things!

Anyways, back to different types of males.... actually.. all men are the same, some just talk and distract you, while others play it cool and just do their thing. So... I do know that mens' actions are their words... their actions speak for how they feel. I just happen to forget about that little but VERY IMPORTANT fact.  oh gosh... I'm confusing myself.. because while mens' actions speak for how they feel ... I guess I should say that some of their actions speak for how they feel.

Example: Mr.  High School comes over a lot and spends the night on weeknights and has to leave my place at 530am to get to work on time. He's sacrificing a lot to do that... he's sacrificing a good nights sleep to be in top form for his job and it's important for him to be alert, but it's not only his job that needs his body and mind to be in top form, he needs it too. So I get he sacrifices a lot to spend time with me and I appreciate it so much. But of course today I freaked out a bit in my head when he asked to put a stop on sleep overs until my school ends (which is in like 3 weeks.. or maybe 2? I don't remember), then we can have Friday nights together. I asked if we were okay, and he said we were... AND WE ARE!!!!!! After I asked him that I realized that, whatever, I took it personally and I let my insane head do all this running around for no reason. If only I could put a stop to it. So this is a prime example of his actions showing how he feels.... and of how I can be emotionally special...

Men are simple, bottom line... they eat, drink, piss, shit, sleep, do things for us and love us. Women are simple in a complicated way we love too much, we care too much, we over analyze too much.... and we eat, drink, piss,  shit and sleep too.  (I'd like to take this moment and remind men how important it is to remember that we piss and shit too :) ).

I was talking to a friend of mine and we were talking about the difference between men and women and I accepted the fact that we are emotional.. not emotional... yes emotional but I just feel that it has such a negative connotation!... we are caring :)  He was saying that bottom line is that men really only think with their cocks... which is interesting because that's a thought I held on to for the longest time... which made it hard for me to really trust what came out of a boys mouth... and with this relationshipless relationship I'm getting rid of that mentality... maybe it'll kick me in the butt later on maybe it wont... I gotta learn to give every guy a fair chance..... until they screw me over and then I say to myself "see I was right, he only thought with his cock."

I must say though, while I get that mens' actions speak their feelings, it's nice to hear how they feel sometimes. Just to support that what we think their actions are saying are right.. if that makes sense... or is that me being too much in my head again? hahaha .... anyways!! Actions=Feelings!!! Actions= Feelings!!! All together now!!! Actions=Feelings!!

Is any of this making sense?!?! How can something so simple, like 2 human beings joining together, turn into something complicated.... I guess it just doesn't have to be... and I guess that's where I need to draw the line....... it's just so hard not to think!

...thoughts?

 :)



<3

A Valentine Special!

Well, hello hello Valentines Day!

So, I have a choice to be bitter and say "fuck Valentines Day" or I can lie and say "Valentines day is whatever, its a commercial holiday I don't need it." I could lie again and say "Valentines Day is great, spreading the love to everyone out there" whatever, there are a million things I could say. I'm going to go ahead and try and make this post as positive as possible, here's my big challenge of the day!

I do tell people that Valentines day really means nothing and its just a commercial holiday and blah blah blah blah blah, but really deep deep down inside, Valentines Day does rock...only if I have a significant other... it could also be a whatever holiday just passing by too because I wouldn't really need this day to validate my feelings for whoever I'm with. When I'm single, and bitter about it... I'm going to go ahead and be bitter about this day.

Two weeks ago I wrote about this boy I was seeing and how happy I was and how awesome he was/is... he's still super cool.... We spent a wonderful, cold, windy day at the beach yesterday.... then he went home, and then I ended it. Part of me regrets it because I did/do have strong feelings for him.... but here is where I look at myself and realize that I really am making smart adult decisions.

I never would of thought of this decision being an "adult" decision until my friend was telling me how adult of me it was. I was kind of confused by it, but it really was adult of me. I actually put my head before my heart, which is something big for me. If I listened to my heart I would've been like "shut the fuck up head, I'm having an awesome time with this awesome guy" but, my head kept on muttering "but you're not getting what you want out of this girl, yeah you're happy, but happiness can only go so far."

I don't know if I'm making any sense here. The point is, is that it really is important to listen to your head as opposed to your heart. I've listened to my heart so many times and ended up in the exact place my head said I would, in heartache. I'm tired of wasting time hoping for things to change and giving dudes the benefit of the doubt, I'm tired of putting myself second. So, I grabbed my balls and finally put my needs first. I hate it, but I fucking did it. Am I happy about it now? Of course not, especially on this fuckin fucking day.... I'm sure I'll be fine in a couple days, maybe a week or so? I dunno!

Anyways, my co-worker put it best, if it's meant to be it's meant to be... la de da. I have a pretty good feeling that it wasn't meant to be, my spidey senses tell me so.

I don't think I'm doing a good job being positive... so lets really try it.

Good side of all this.... I can be proud of myself for putting myself first!! Woohoo!!! I can be proud of myself for being smart about this!! Woohoo!!! I can be proud of myself for giving this relationshipless relationship thing a shot!! Woohoo!!! I can be proud of myself for just being me! I can be proud of myself for being a single 20somethin in the crazy 21st.... taking on each challenge that's thrown my way! Bring it!!!!!

So, I'm definitely going to go back to deactivating my okcupid account and lay low for a bit... I get too excited too fast. I remember thinking that The Secret worked its magic and brought me this wonderful boy... I did believe it, but the timing wasn't right....I like to dream a little too much.

Note to self: No more dreaming from now on... no more dreaming...no more dreaming...no more dreaming.

For real though, all of you enjoying this day... Happy Valentines Day....and for all of us singletons out there, lets make this day go by fast :)

<3

Relationshipless Relationships

Hello all!

First and foremost I'd like to apologize for last weeks lack of post and lack of letting you all know there was no post :)

Last weekend was crazy!!!! Then the days that followed were just busy and exhausting! So, I do apologize! (Saturday consisted of my car battery dying, and me getting locked out of the apt in 20degree maybe teen degree weather for 2hrs, and taking forever to get everything taken care of. Sunday I spent with the lovely boy :) )

Alright, so! Relationships!! I was about to go ahead and title this post Relationshits haha.. because really, isn't that how most of them turn out to be... until you meet your one true love yadda yadda yadda!

So, something sorta funny, I've been thinking about this a lot lately, relationships, not being in one but seeing someone and what that entails, and my dear blogger friend The Titan Project tweeted an old post the other day that touches on this whole thing, check it out: Handling Being Fuck Buddies. 

These 2 paragraphs are what hit me:

To be in a relationship is to hope that someday you’ll have someone plop on one knee and give the whole wedding snow brigade; the white diamond ring, the white dress, the white church, with white flowers, probably even in a few inches of fluffy white snow.  However, why would an early twenty something want to get into a relationship?  Are they saying, “Yeah I call this guy my boyfriend because I want him to marry me in a few months.”

If the twenty something relationship isn’t looking for wedding bells, what are you looking forward to, other than the end?  If this isn’t the ideal guy, what are they holding out for?  Is it because these young twenty something’s can’t see themselves having a fuck buddy, a sexual partner that comes in and out of their lives.  Or is it because they want to take long chastised turns at a time so they won’t be labeled as sluts, whores, or polygamist?

I must say though, that back in the day, in my early 20s relationships to me were just that, relationships, no thought of wedding bells unless it got super serious. My first serious relationship lasted 3 years, it began because we just really liked each other so, bam!, a kiss started it all....then as the years went by, of course  I thought about marriage. While it excited me, it scared me!  Once that relationship was over, I had some fun bouncing from crush to crush. I'd say, though,  that the last few years, The Titan's whole idea of relationship equaling wedding bells, seriously rings true.  "If the twenty something relationship isn’t looking for wedding bells, what are you looking forward to, other than the end?" I know this isn't true for everyone, I know, I know that this is an exaggeration... some people are just in relationships just to be in relationships and that's that no thought of wedding bells or the end what so ever, just taking it one day at a time.  And also, that might be a super pessimistic way of looking at relationships.

So!! Here's my take on this whole relationship thing. I've recently started seeing this awesome guy. (*waves* hi!)  I think after the 2nd or 3rd date or maybe after the first, I don't remember, but early on we had a conversation about what we wanted. He told me he wasn't looking for anything serious and I told him that I'm basically in between. While I'm looking to settle down because I'm tired of failed relationships, I also don't want to pressure anything and just take it one day at a time, see where things go, let it take its course.  So we know where we stand, that's good.... Fast forward to a month later, now, and we definitely try and see each other once a week (we live an hour apart), he's having fun, I'm having fun, it's really great!

I'm going to be honest with you and say that, well, while it's fun, it can also be a bit frustrating. This is where The Titan's relationship=wedding bells comes into play. He's younger than I am, there is no way in hell this shit is on his mind. I, on the other hand, am nearing the age where my biological clock ticks louder and louder in my head slowly deafening ground/stable thoughts. I'm not saying I want to marry the boy, no no no no no. I'm just saying that we  have different mindsets, so is this a "relationship" that leads to an end?  I guess that's the beauty of not being in a relationship.

I really do like not having a label or a title or shit like that, it definitely is liberating. There's no pressure of "oh I'm a girlfriend so I have to do a, b, and c... and he's my boyfriend so he must do a, b, and c." No stupid bullshit, just really enjoying each others company. And I must say I love being in his company.

UGH!!!!! This post is so confusing to me, because I'm so confused about this whole in between thing too! I'm not confused by it,  I understand all of its guidelines. Bottom line is this:

While I don't mind being in a relationshipless relationship the lack of pressure, taking it one day at a time, just having fun enjoying one another, (not saying that being in a relationship doesn't entail all of that).... while that is all fun, all my avid readers know where I've been at with "finding my future husband" haha, my biological clock is fucking ticking and I'm fighting so hard to shut it the fuck up! I seriously do not want that pressure, I don't want to think about marriage it'll come when it'll come and I am enjoying just being in the now....  I guess all I'm asking for is a nice normal relationship, no thoughts of the future no thoughts of the past just enjoying what is happening now. I guess that truly is the bottom line. So maybe what I have this this boy is that? It's not a stereotypical relationship, it's not a bf/gf bs blah blah blah kinda thing, it's just a nice relationship. Damn, this post is such a mess!


Another part that's sort of a struggle is emotions, and feelings. How much of myself do I invest  into this if I don't have a stable sense of this? The other side to that is, who the fuck cares? Invest all of you in it and if its worth it, great, if not oh well. 


I've been in a relationship like this before and the same issues came up. It was a short sweet relationshipless relationship, but that's because I moved. I bet you if I stayed it would've turned into something more serious.

So! Maybe that's just how things work nowadays you start off with relationshipless relationships, then you move onto the next step. That's what happened with The Titan and I know that's what was going to happen with me and the other boy.  But! That's just what dating is! You just fucking date and then decide if taking the next step is doable or not. It's just a longer dating period. Alright, I get it. It took me going through all that craziness up there to write it out and finally fucking get it. See, this is why I hate labels it just fucks everything up!! :)

Alright, any thoughts on this? Please share!!!!!!!