Foundations

Sorry about the lack of post last week... man, I've been having too many of those recently, haven't I?

Life has seriously been busy!!!

So crazy!!!

During my undergrad I was always so envious of busy people, thinking that busy people had purposes in life because they always had someplace to be and something important to do, they were needed. While I enjoyed my free time, I definitely took it for granted! Here I am so super busy that when I finally have free time to do laundry, I decide to hop into bed and relax instead :)

I think it may be better to need yourself than to be needed. I mean its good to be needed, don't get me wrong, you get a sense of fulfillment and a sense of purpose, a sense of helping others. But! When being needed overpowers needing yourself, you start to loose what's most important...you.

Which brings me to the topic of this weeks post. Foundations. Last week was my last session with my therapist because her time with the organization had come to an end. While I was a bit worried about not continuing with another therapist, I also thought that it'd be good to challenge myself and try and take the tools I've learned, and try to depend on me to move forward.

A while back I think I mentioned how when I started to see my therapist I was seeking building stability and a foundation... well she definitely gave me the tools and together we got all the lumber and supplies ready and now the torch has been passed on to me to take control of my life and to start putting that foundation together. I think I've got a pretty solid frame now.

My last session with my therapist put things into perspective for me. I do have to fight for myself, I do have to need myself. So, since then I've been feeling a bit more solid, like I've got something solid to stand on, and this seeped into every aspect of my life.  I feel that I do walk a little taller now.

This kind of brings me to the subject about this boy that I'm seeing. In my last post I wrote about my lack of expectations. The fact that I lack expectations, I think, allows me to be more real and realistic in this situation. This guy is totally different than any other dude I've been before, and this relationship/friendship/whatever has allowed me to be a different person as well... it's allowed me to be more me. Maybe it's the guy, maybe it's the relationship, or maybe it's just me with my new pair of glasses looking at it all with my eyes and no one elses.

I'm not sure this is making sense at all or if this post is even worth reading. But, I guess I feel the need to announce that with a year of therapy I think I'm finally believing in me bit by bit, and I think I'm finally standing taller, inch by inch. If I cant, who will, right?

Hopefully I'll have some juicy goodness for you next week!!! While I make this blog public and post links up every week on fb, I don't mind who reads it.... but when it comes to my mother :) I love her dearly, but she likes to ask a lot of questions... so I'm going to try and not post links up on fb and try and ween her off of my blog :) hahaha

But, for now, things are good with the boy :) We'll leave it at that.

<3

Lists

So, today I opened up my moleskin weekly planner thing. It's kinda fat, stuffed with papers and what not.... some of the papers are little things I kept as memorabilia, for example little things from my trip to New Orleans over the summer and a few pieces of trash like receipts here and there.

I have about 12 little squares of paper that were about to fall out.... along with a list...

What do these special pieces of paper entail?

Qualities and characteristics of what I want in a relationship and in a significant other.

How many of us created lists like these? go ahead, you can raise your hand... mine is raised pretty high!

So, I'm pretty sure I mentioned that I see a therapist...she gave me 2 assignments, one was to write a list of things I want in a man and the other was to write, on little cards, things I want in a relationship.

That wasn't the first time I created a list like that. A little under a year ago, after the breakup with my most recent ex, I decided it'd be a good idea to write that list. In the back of my mind I was hoping that the power of The Secret would work it's magic.... alas it did not.

Anyways I thought I'd share with you this list and the lovely things I want in a relationship... they sort of coincide, so I hope it won't be redundant.

Things I want in man:

- Honest
- Grounded
- Compromising
- Caring
- Secure
- NO BAGGAGE!
- Compassionate
- Understanding
- Sensitive but strong
- Creative
- Funny
- Giving
- Mature
- Supportive
- Responsible
- Cultured
- Respectful
- Likes to travel
- Reliable
- Mentally sound/strong

(Who doesn't have baggage though!?!?!?!!?! shit!)

So, that's my list.... I really don't have much to say about it... is it realistic? Am I being realistic? Does a man like this exist? Sigh... you know, this list kind of depresses me.....next!

Next, next next!!

Things I want in a Relationship:
(I may go into detail with these, yup, I will)

- Honesty- Trust- With each other and about the relationship, take responsibility in the relationship and with each other
- Compromise - within every aspect- give and take and confidence in decisions - 50/50
- Love <3= Happiness
- Positivity + + + = Growth, compromise, and understanding
- Understanding - sensitive towards each others thoughts, feelings, beliefs
- Reliability - responsibility, ownership = honesty
- Give & Take - 50/50 - like compromising - emotionally, caring and taking care of
- Confidence - in each other and the relationship - no doubt, no excuses
- Life, Creativity, Passion, Excitement! = movement
- Travel - see new places, experience new things together
- Cultured - open to new/old ideas, new/old foods, customs, cultures
- Equality- 50/50 give and take - also in roles within the relationship/household, non- traditional
- Strength - in being sensitive- strength in being honest and true with ourselves and each other
- Individuality - we are not carbon copies - have different things to bring into the relationship- spending time together and individually
- On the same team- back each other up, don't shoot each other down
- Real - security- same future plans- comes from same ideals/ideas- realness in thoughts feelings with each other and relationship
- Spiritual - as opposed to religious- religion can be there- in the background- but to be spiritual in believing in each other in the universe/earth.

Does any of this actually make any sense? Am I limiting myself with these lists... these are just lists though... these are things I'd like, but hmm, I don't know why I'm having trouble discussing these. And! Are they biased because I wrote them thinking of the things I didn't have in my previous relationships? I mean, one good thing about having more than just one relationship under my belt is that I get closer to knowing what I want and what I don't want.

But these things I listed above, not all of them you learn in the first few dates...so, it's kind of too ideal. It's unrealistic. But like I mentioned already, I don't want these to limit me from anything...??... will they? do they?

It's funny, I recently came in contact with an old acquaintance of mine in CA... she was saying how it was a shame that we live so far away from each other because she can't play matchmaker for me anymore... here I was thinking that it was only recently that I've been on a hunt for my future husband, but I guess I've always been on a hunt... ever since the break up from my first serious relationship... man, I must be some kind of hot mess.

Anyways, do lists serve a good purpose in this case?

I guess that's that for this post!

Until next week! Have a good one!

<3