Lists

So, today I opened up my moleskin weekly planner thing. It's kinda fat, stuffed with papers and what not.... some of the papers are little things I kept as memorabilia, for example little things from my trip to New Orleans over the summer and a few pieces of trash like receipts here and there.

I have about 12 little squares of paper that were about to fall out.... along with a list...

What do these special pieces of paper entail?

Qualities and characteristics of what I want in a relationship and in a significant other.

How many of us created lists like these? go ahead, you can raise your hand... mine is raised pretty high!

So, I'm pretty sure I mentioned that I see a therapist...she gave me 2 assignments, one was to write a list of things I want in a man and the other was to write, on little cards, things I want in a relationship.

That wasn't the first time I created a list like that. A little under a year ago, after the breakup with my most recent ex, I decided it'd be a good idea to write that list. In the back of my mind I was hoping that the power of The Secret would work it's magic.... alas it did not.

Anyways I thought I'd share with you this list and the lovely things I want in a relationship... they sort of coincide, so I hope it won't be redundant.

Things I want in man:

- Honest
- Grounded
- Compromising
- Caring
- Secure
- NO BAGGAGE!
- Compassionate
- Understanding
- Sensitive but strong
- Creative
- Funny
- Giving
- Mature
- Supportive
- Responsible
- Cultured
- Respectful
- Likes to travel
- Reliable
- Mentally sound/strong

(Who doesn't have baggage though!?!?!?!!?! shit!)

So, that's my list.... I really don't have much to say about it... is it realistic? Am I being realistic? Does a man like this exist? Sigh... you know, this list kind of depresses me.....next!

Next, next next!!

Things I want in a Relationship:
(I may go into detail with these, yup, I will)

- Honesty- Trust- With each other and about the relationship, take responsibility in the relationship and with each other
- Compromise - within every aspect- give and take and confidence in decisions - 50/50
- Love <3= Happiness
- Positivity + + + = Growth, compromise, and understanding
- Understanding - sensitive towards each others thoughts, feelings, beliefs
- Reliability - responsibility, ownership = honesty
- Give & Take - 50/50 - like compromising - emotionally, caring and taking care of
- Confidence - in each other and the relationship - no doubt, no excuses
- Life, Creativity, Passion, Excitement! = movement
- Travel - see new places, experience new things together
- Cultured - open to new/old ideas, new/old foods, customs, cultures
- Equality- 50/50 give and take - also in roles within the relationship/household, non- traditional
- Strength - in being sensitive- strength in being honest and true with ourselves and each other
- Individuality - we are not carbon copies - have different things to bring into the relationship- spending time together and individually
- On the same team- back each other up, don't shoot each other down
- Real - security- same future plans- comes from same ideals/ideas- realness in thoughts feelings with each other and relationship
- Spiritual - as opposed to religious- religion can be there- in the background- but to be spiritual in believing in each other in the universe/earth.

Does any of this actually make any sense? Am I limiting myself with these lists... these are just lists though... these are things I'd like, but hmm, I don't know why I'm having trouble discussing these. And! Are they biased because I wrote them thinking of the things I didn't have in my previous relationships? I mean, one good thing about having more than just one relationship under my belt is that I get closer to knowing what I want and what I don't want.

But these things I listed above, not all of them you learn in the first few dates...so, it's kind of too ideal. It's unrealistic. But like I mentioned already, I don't want these to limit me from anything...??... will they? do they?

It's funny, I recently came in contact with an old acquaintance of mine in CA... she was saying how it was a shame that we live so far away from each other because she can't play matchmaker for me anymore... here I was thinking that it was only recently that I've been on a hunt for my future husband, but I guess I've always been on a hunt... ever since the break up from my first serious relationship... man, I must be some kind of hot mess.

Anyways, do lists serve a good purpose in this case?

I guess that's that for this post!

Until next week! Have a good one!

<3

I don't want....

Alright, first off, sorry about last week... I was exhausted and had no time or honestly no motivation to write. I like to try and do a weekly post and sometimes I just force it and it comes out like shit... so la de da... here's hoping this one wont fail :)


Secondly, I wasn't quite sure what to write about this week, then my bestie sort of hinted at it last night and well, here I am, writing an entry about what I don't want. Now, you remember that big fad a year or 2 ago, The Secret fad? How you should think positively and whatever you put out comes back to you. So it went on about how you should form your sentences into positive ones because when you put out what you don't want, when you focus on that, that's all you're going to get.... well.... this post is going to serve as a big FUCK YOU to that idea :)

Let's try something here... I'm going to write about what I don't want... and maybe I'll try and add what I do want right after.... let's see how this will work out!

I don't want to be that girl that starts every conversation with "I need a boyfriend..." One of my girls brought it up the other night... she was referring to an acquaintance she knows that all she talks about is obviously needing a boyfriend. While this blog is about embracing being a single lady, desperately ::achem:: passionately wanting a significant other, and whatever encounters I have with an apple of my eye... I definitely do not want to be that annoying girl. naggy naggy naggy naggy naggy... blah blah blah.

I do want a significant other...haha... but!
While on that search, I want to solidify myself so that I don't have to depend on a man and see him as an accessory but more so an investment.

I don't want to settle. Nope nope nope. While I am determined to find my future husband before I turn an old old age where I have no room in my life for a man because of the plethora of cats that will be living with me, I will not settle. Too many marriages go sour due to settling, a life of unhappiness happens due to settling. Disrespecting yourself, not loving yourself, comes with settling. But, wait, some people settle and are aware of the choice they are making so I don't mean any disrespect to those of you out there. I was a bit harsh, so, I do apologize. Who knows, maybe I will hit a breaking point and end up settling as well.....

I do want to find the love of my life. Cheesy, I know.
I want to live passionately and grow together and individually with another person.
I want love in my life every day.

I don't want to be that girl that no man can be serious with. I know this is kind of silly and odd. But just because I'm silly and sensitive and am all over the place, doesn't mean you shouldn't man up. I'm not sure if this is making any sense. I'm just tired of falling for boys. I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on toddlers. I'm tired of not finding a real fuckin' man who can fuckin' own up and hold his own. You know what.... this should be changed to...

I don't want to be with a fucking boy. I don't think this needs explanation. Because you know what, it ain't my problem, it's theirs. The only problem I have is fuckin' falling for these boys!

you know what else I don't want?

I don't want to be that girl that leads you to your wife. I don't want that. I don't want to be that one that shows you the way, teaches you about life, shows you love and compassion and all the things you thought you could never have... (believe me, I really don't think THAT highly of myself... I know I'm coming off as conceited and self absorbed.... ugh I'm turning into one of those girls... save me!) BUT IT'S TRUE!!!! I feel like most of the relationships I've been in, they tell me I'm special and this and that and ::doing the jerking off gesture:: blah blah blah.... then we part ways and they find their wives! OK!!! OKAY!!! OKAY!!!! I know I'm completely exaggerating, this only happened with one ex of mine..... BUT STILL!!!! WHAT'S TO STOP IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN!!!??

(breathing in and out) X (infinity) = solace.....?

GAH!

I do want ........ wait for it.....


wait for it....

(let's see if you can guess....)

you ready??


I want a fucking man.

<3


Note: I am aware that I started this post cool calm and collective.... and then I slowly... or actually, rather quickly turned into psycho single woman hulk. I may have become that "I need a boyfriend" girl, and guess what I will not apologize for it. Have a wonderful week!

Babies

So, well, this week has been a busy week. By the time Friday rolled around I was stressing about what to write for this weeks posting! I was asking my co-workers and I was desperately trying to figure out what to write. I had several ideas to write about 1. How sex does/doesn't change things 2. Ex Rules and 3. Marriage. Alas, the universe allowed this weeks post to present itself right on time! For those of you who are new readers, I wrote about this once before. Whenever I force myself to think of a new post idea I either write a silly post or I force an idea and it just doesn't come out right, but! Before the time I normally put up posts, an idea presents itself. Well here is this last min idea!

-------------------------------------------------------

So, this is the 21st century, and times definitely have changed!

I just got back from seeing The Switch, while it was a typical Jennifer Aniston chick flick, I came out of it with some goals in mind! A lot of movies these past few years have a story line based around single, financially stable women giving up on the traditional idea of finding a husband THEN having kids and completely doing it the other way around! The Switch, Backup Plan, Baby Mamma etc. I am very well aware that these are Hollywood ideals of what happens to single ladies who attempt this. I know that when you get artificially inseminated Mr. Future Husband doesn't really come strolling around the corner... I am very well aware that Hollywood is a complete load of fuckin bullshit.... but at the same time... looking at it in the perspective of being single and deciding to have a kid on your own, it is very possible!

So!!! I decided, that when I turn 30...or maybe 31.. no.. maybe when I turn 30 (i'll take that year to make the final decision) but when I turn 30, if I have a stable career where I have a good constant income coming in that would allow me financially to go through artificial insemination, and I am not with my Future Husband, I'd totally do it!

It was kind of like a light bulb went off in my head, like I finally got it, like everything was clearer. I am crazy over babies, I can not wait to have babies. I can't wait to experience having something growing inside of me, I can't wait to experience childbirth, I can't wait for it all! Giving and growing life just excites the hell outta me.

This whole time though, I thought that I needed to have a husband in order to take the next step and have a baby. BUT I DON'T!!!!

It really is funny, I've always had this cookie cutter idea of what my life is supposed to be, how its supposed to be played out. Now as I near 30 I am learning that it's okay that my life isn't turning out the way I thought it should. I was struggling with that, but I'm coming to terms with it and I think I'm okay with being independent and doing this whole thing on my own.

While I can't wait to get married and be with my Future Husband, it doesn't all have to happen in a specific order! I was thinking about Marriage the other day (hence one of the ideas for a blog post....) and when I see the customers that I have and I see which ones have rings on their fingers and what not it just seemed so odd to me. Some people I look at and I wonder if they are happy, I wonder if they just settled so that THEY can fit that cookie cutter lifestyle. I wonder if they think about life the way I do. I can't wait to get married and start that kind of lifestyle, but I also know that I can't and will not ever settle. I know that my happiness is the most important thing. That is why I've come to terms with me being single and that I don't mind it that much....sometimes :)

If having a baby on my own is part of my own happiness, I don't need to be married to do it. I am a forever changing, growing human being. I am slowly finding my place in this universe and in my world.

I love how women have become more independent thinkers, workers and breeders.

I thank you science for making artificial insemination possible!


So come on single women lets root root root for the home team and get cracking on living outside of the mold!

<3

In all seriousness...

Some inspiration if you will.

So, so far this blog has been full of silly posts... I think it'd be good to have a serious one from time to time don't you think?

I guess I felt rushed with the last post but I guess I should learn to take my time with this. While I do want to post something at least once a week, I should really learn that timing is key. In any case, I'm going to write about two things that went on this weekend.

Eat, Pray, Love

I just got back from watching Eat, Pray, Love. While this is probably portrayed as a "chick flick" it really is an inspiring movie that really makes you think. Based on the novel "Eat, Pray, Love" it is a true story of a woman's journey to finding balance in life and in love.

That is the journey I am on. While I joke around about finding my future husband and being completely desperate, I am in all seriousness trying to find that balance within myself. I know that I need that balance, that stability in order to be in a place to welcome real, true love into my life.

These past couple of months I have been on a journey. I was stuck in this weird place, this depression if you will, this stagnation that really didn't allow me to move further to grow further in life. I was stuck in this spot for almost 2 years of my life. I know I'm only 27 and I have my whole life ahead of me and 2 years isn't THAT long, it really is. Every moment, every second should be used to learn something new about the world about life about yourself. I know this may seem cheesy but it really is true. I am not trying to discredit anything that happened the past 2 years because thanks to everything I've been through, everything I've learned, living with and loving the people I was with, I am able to be here. Thank you :)

The woman in this movie, the author of this book took a year off to go to Italy, India, and Indonesia to simply eat, pray and love. Now, I know not all of us can travel far to be able to learn the things she did, I really believe that you can do the same traveling and the same learning right where you're sitting.

I technically did do traveling back and forth between here and California to really get to this place in my life, so maybe I had some travel but I really didn't start learning until I surrendered to this stagnation and decided to change it.

It's like my friend told me long long ago, "you learn nothing when you're comfortable." It is so true. Challenge is the key, fear is the key to learning about yourself and about life.

This may seem unorganized so bear with me.

I'm taking this movie, this story as a form of inspiration. I am going to apply it to my life. Like I said, these past couple of months I have decided to rid this stagnant feeling and I have been doing an awesome job doing so. I am pursuing a career in something that I've had a passion for for at least the past 10 years of my life. Why not jump up, grab it and go?

So in reference to her journey I'm going to start with ,Eat. No, I didn't go to Italy to eat and find my appetite. But I found my appetite here, at home. I eat, and I enjoy what I eat and I take it in. Sure from time to time I fret about the calories and the weight I've gained. Part of my own journey has been to be comfortable in my own skin and I'm really getting there. Today I bought a dress a short dress, an "above the knee" dress. I've always hated my legs, today I decided to embrace them and wear a short fuckin dress. It was completely liberating!

Pray. I have my own issues with "god." I don't like organized religion, I don't like the idea of "god." I like the idea of the UNIVERSE. The universe brought me here and it impacts me just as I impact it. But I still feel like I need to tap into my own spirituality. I expect love to come, but it is true, and I've known this, that I really need to love and embrace myself in order to allow love in my life. I should make my own ritual and practice it every day. Maybe I will take up meditation to have some peace of mind. Maybe I'll write down my wishes and dreams and they can be my own religion. I need to tap into my own religion, into my spirituality and I need to own it.

Love. Love. That fuckin' 4 letter word. What does it mean? What is it? How do you know when you're in love? blah blah blah.. why does it run my world? Why do I give it the power to ruin my world too? Love myself? Love another? Being loved? As I've said before, as I'm sure you have all heard a million times and as I've drilled it in my own head but never practiced it, "You must love yourself before you can truly, wholly, love another." Now, that doesn't mean I haven't loved another because every one that I have and do love, I truly do love! It doesn't negate anything. But maybe I do need to love myself in order to "find my future husband. "

I do love myself, but not fully. I know I have a lot to work on and I am very, very, extremely hard on myself. But I am learning more and more about myself as every day passes. I take these things I learn and I either try to change them, I embrace them, or I celebrate them! We are all a work in progress and we may always be a work in progress till the day we die. But the most important thing to do is to love yourself and embrace yourself.

From time to time I surrender to this need to find my future husband. I give up. And I think it's a wonderful thing to do. Because it is in those times that I can feel more confident in myself and that's when I learn the most about myself.

Anyways, I think you get the gist of this whole Eat, Pray, Love thang and how it got the wheels in my head turning. On to the next thing.

Time

This was briefly mentioned in the movie but I was also talking about it with my friend and her husband yesterday in the pool. It is funny some girls, well the girls I know, how we seem to measure our lives, our own time line, by the men we've been with. In the movie she mentioned how since she was 15 she was either with a boy or dealing with heartache and has never had time to herself. I guess that didn't really mention time per se, but it reminded me of the conversation I had the day before.

Why do we have to measure our lives by the men we've been with, by the infatuations we had in the past. Lately most of my time line has dealt with "the time I was living in CA" or "the time I was living in Philadelphia." I also catch myself talking about memories I've had, or things I've done, or things I learned in time frames of which boyfriend or crush I had.

Why do we have to measure our lives by love? I guess once you're in a long term, serious, relationship that time frame slowly slips away. We all yearn for love, and I guess that is why I have the needs and wants that I have today. The need to be loved, wanting to find my future husband. Hey baby, it takes time.

It takes time. The staple to everyone's dilema. It takes time.

Anyways, I think I am just super rambling on now. I'll be surprised if anyone actually read this far into this entry. I wonder if boys measure their time by the girlfriends they've had. If any boys are reading this, please amuse me.

In any case, I am on a journey. This single 20something gal is on a journey to find balance and end up in love with herself and *hopefully* with someone else.

Take care
<3