So.....
Yeah, I think I had 2 weeks of being emotionally "special".... and now I realize that I just need to take a chill pill, sit back, relax and let whatever happen happen....
That was my mentality to begin with then I got wrapped up in emotions which is just no fun at all... because really, I have no time to be emo right now.... maybe more so strength as opposed to time. Time is relative as they say.
In any case, I'm back to taking a step back and relaxing and enjoying the ride, the view, what have you... sometimes I just get too excited about things and want to know it all ... I want the answers right now, will this work, will this not work... what is in store for my future, for our future, do we have a future?? Questions, questions, questions flooding my head!!!!!! Hence where the chill pill needs to come into play. It's okay to not know everything.... that's what life is all about... taking it all one step at a time, seeing what comes your way, what falls in your lap and going from there.
I feel like I'm doing a juggling act right now.. trying to manage my work life, my school life, my family life, and my personal life. It's tough... so why make it harder than it already is?
I have friends who can provide me with the support that I need, I have Mr. High School that can provide me the comfort that I need... granted, it's not all the time, but that's okay. I need to learn that that's okay. Last week I wrote about how I want someone right here, right now, I want to be held every night and feel secure. But it is important to feel secure on my own too. I can't be a whiny little bitch and kick and scream every moment life doesn't go my way.
It's all about being/feeling secure on my own. That's what being a single gal is all about... right? Finding and grabbing a hold of that strength and running with it... conquering anything and learning each step of the way. If at first you don't succeed dust yourself off and try again.
So, here I am dusting myself off after that little bump of emotional "specialness," standing strong and trying to plow through whatever comes my way. I have to learn that I don't need a man to help me along the way. While I would love to have one to hold onto, it's not something I need, and it's not something I should expect right away from a man as well. There go my expectations butting themselves into my personal business... bitches and hoes!!!!!!
Anyways, I hope this made sense...
sending everyone love, health, and happiness
<3
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
The Bachelorette
Now, I'm not saying that what goes down on The Bachelorette is the best option out there... but there is something I like about it... and what I do like about it is that they get down to the nitty gritty right away. Everyone on the show has one thing in common, that they want to find their future husband/wife, they're tired of being alone and are ready to commit.. so now what's left for them to do is see if they click, if they have the same image of their futures in sync, and if they have the same values.
Why can't we be like that? Why can't on a first date with someone in real life we can just be like "this is what I want, this is what I'm looking for, these are my intentions with you" and BASTA! You know where you each stand. Why does it seem like its this big test, this fucking game.. no not game... just a test where you have to tap into your non-existent ESP powers and read the other persons mind so, like i said in last weeks post, as a woman, I wont get stamped Emotional and if a dude has these concerns he wont get stamped weak. Why do these labels have to exist... why does any of this running around have to exist!?
That, my dear readers, is one thing I envy of the bachelorette. I want to know where you stand, what your intentions are what your dreams are for the future... what kind of love you're looking for, what kind of life you want to live... what are your dreams.... granted this season some dude did a great job getting on there and tricking the fuck out of the chick.... while that sucks that all of america sees this... it speaks the truth to what goes on in the dating world today.
Because things are way too casual, doors can open left and right and no one really has a say in it until "the conversation" happens. Until "the conversation," it's fair play. By "the conversation" I mean the conversation that is typically brought upon by the female... wondering what the status is of the relationship... wanting more security and having a sense of the begining of starting a relationship culture with another individual. People and relationships just need to be more direct and honest... that's all I'm saying.
I feel like I may be cursed. Maybe it's because I stole my first real boyfriend (of 3 yrs) from my best friend when we were 19. Maybe it's because I broke his heart (he broke mine too). But I feel like I may be cures and will be a bachelorette for some time. Lately I feel like dudes just don't want to emotionally commit.... but then again, I'm just assuming.
Here's the thing people... right now I've got a lot going on in my life... and I really hate spending my free time questioning relationships and not knowing the label (as much as I hate them.). This is what I want/need right now... I just really want someone to take care of me, because right now I can honestly say that I can't even take care of myself. And yes, I get and understand the whole, if you can't take care of you u cant take care of anyone else, or if you can't love you you cant love others.... but I think a part of loving me is allowing to be vulnerable and have someone take care of me.... anyways I went on a tangent... this is what I want, I want someone to take care of me, I want someone here, I want simplicity. I want to cuddle with someone every night.. every night... because I want to feel safe and I need to feel secure. I'm a caretaker.... a guilty one at that.... if I can't help you I guilt trip right away. I want the kind of unconditional love I give others to be given to me.
Although, at this point in my life... I just feel I will forever be a bachelorette. I'm probably just being a negative nancy.... but I just want some sense of simplicity and peace of mind and love right now.
the end
<3
Why can't we be like that? Why can't on a first date with someone in real life we can just be like "this is what I want, this is what I'm looking for, these are my intentions with you" and BASTA! You know where you each stand. Why does it seem like its this big test, this fucking game.. no not game... just a test where you have to tap into your non-existent ESP powers and read the other persons mind so, like i said in last weeks post, as a woman, I wont get stamped Emotional and if a dude has these concerns he wont get stamped weak. Why do these labels have to exist... why does any of this running around have to exist!?
That, my dear readers, is one thing I envy of the bachelorette. I want to know where you stand, what your intentions are what your dreams are for the future... what kind of love you're looking for, what kind of life you want to live... what are your dreams.... granted this season some dude did a great job getting on there and tricking the fuck out of the chick.... while that sucks that all of america sees this... it speaks the truth to what goes on in the dating world today.
Because things are way too casual, doors can open left and right and no one really has a say in it until "the conversation" happens. Until "the conversation," it's fair play. By "the conversation" I mean the conversation that is typically brought upon by the female... wondering what the status is of the relationship... wanting more security and having a sense of the begining of starting a relationship culture with another individual. People and relationships just need to be more direct and honest... that's all I'm saying.
I feel like I may be cursed. Maybe it's because I stole my first real boyfriend (of 3 yrs) from my best friend when we were 19. Maybe it's because I broke his heart (he broke mine too). But I feel like I may be cures and will be a bachelorette for some time. Lately I feel like dudes just don't want to emotionally commit.... but then again, I'm just assuming.
Here's the thing people... right now I've got a lot going on in my life... and I really hate spending my free time questioning relationships and not knowing the label (as much as I hate them.). This is what I want/need right now... I just really want someone to take care of me, because right now I can honestly say that I can't even take care of myself. And yes, I get and understand the whole, if you can't take care of you u cant take care of anyone else, or if you can't love you you cant love others.... but I think a part of loving me is allowing to be vulnerable and have someone take care of me.... anyways I went on a tangent... this is what I want, I want someone to take care of me, I want someone here, I want simplicity. I want to cuddle with someone every night.. every night... because I want to feel safe and I need to feel secure. I'm a caretaker.... a guilty one at that.... if I can't help you I guilt trip right away. I want the kind of unconditional love I give others to be given to me.
Although, at this point in my life... I just feel I will forever be a bachelorette. I'm probably just being a negative nancy.... but I just want some sense of simplicity and peace of mind and love right now.
the end
<3
Monday, June 13, 2011
Shut it off!!!
Seriously!
I wish I could just stop my thinking...
seriously...
I know I touched on this 2 posts ago, about me and my emotional "specialness," but you know, it's not even emotional "specialness" it's quite simply that I care.
Women get stamped "EMOTIONAL" and men get stamped "EMOTIONLESS." Fine, women are emotional, we are more emotional than men, can it complicate things? Yes. But really, truly, in the end, we sort it out and figure it out... slowly but surely... it might take us going through a few failed relationships and fights and bs to learn a thing or two about the way a man works... and same for men, I'm sure it takes failed relationships and all that stuff too to learn how a woman works. I should also mention that men aren't emotionless, they have emotions too they just show it (or not show it) in different ways.
All in all... I don't think EITHER of us have it easy. Through my failed relationships, and learned lessons and talks with boys that are friends I think I'm close to getting a good grasp on the mind of a male. Now, I think there are many different types of males and ways they work, but in the end is there ONE word to describe them?
In this relationship that I'm in.. I don't know what to call it though, is it a relationshipless relationship? There have obviously been times when I let my emotions determine what I communicate, then a second, or hour, later the light bulb turns on and I'm like "...oohhh!!! I get it!!!!!!!" Why can't I just get it before I open my mouth ... errr let my thumbs do the texting! I need to stop thinking about things!
Anyways, back to different types of males.... actually.. all men are the same, some just talk and distract you, while others play it cool and just do their thing. So... I do know that mens' actions are their words... their actions speak for how they feel. I just happen to forget about that little but VERY IMPORTANT fact. oh gosh... I'm confusing myself.. because while mens' actions speak for how they feel ... I guess I should say that some of their actions speak for how they feel.
Example: Mr. High School comes over a lot and spends the night on weeknights and has to leave my place at 530am to get to work on time. He's sacrificing a lot to do that... he's sacrificing a good nights sleep to be in top form for his job and it's important for him to be alert, but it's not only his job that needs his body and mind to be in top form, he needs it too. So I get he sacrifices a lot to spend time with me and I appreciate it so much. But of course today I freaked out a bit in my head when he asked to put a stop on sleep overs until my school ends (which is in like 3 weeks.. or maybe 2? I don't remember), then we can have Friday nights together. I asked if we were okay, and he said we were... AND WE ARE!!!!!! After I asked him that I realized that, whatever, I took it personally and I let my insane head do all this running around for no reason. If only I could put a stop to it. So this is a prime example of his actions showing how he feels.... and of how I can be emotionally special...
Men are simple, bottom line... they eat, drink, piss, shit, sleep, do things for us and love us. Women are simple in a complicated way we love too much, we care too much, we over analyze too much.... and we eat, drink, piss, shit and sleep too. (I'd like to take this moment and remind men how important it is to remember that we piss and shit too :) ).
I was talking to a friend of mine and we were talking about the difference between men and women and I accepted the fact that we are emotional.. not emotional... yes emotional but I just feel that it has such a negative connotation!... we are caring :) He was saying that bottom line is that men really only think with their cocks... which is interesting because that's a thought I held on to for the longest time... which made it hard for me to really trust what came out of a boys mouth... and with this relationshipless relationship I'm getting rid of that mentality... maybe it'll kick me in the butt later on maybe it wont... I gotta learn to give every guy a fair chance..... until they screw me over and then I say to myself "see I was right, he only thought with his cock."
I must say though, while I get that mens' actions speak their feelings, it's nice to hear how they feel sometimes. Just to support that what we think their actions are saying are right.. if that makes sense... or is that me being too much in my head again? hahaha .... anyways!! Actions=Feelings!!! Actions= Feelings!!! All together now!!! Actions=Feelings!!
Is any of this making sense?!?! How can something so simple, like 2 human beings joining together, turn into something complicated.... I guess it just doesn't have to be... and I guess that's where I need to draw the line....... it's just so hard not to think!
...thoughts?
:)
<3
I wish I could just stop my thinking...
seriously...
I know I touched on this 2 posts ago, about me and my emotional "specialness," but you know, it's not even emotional "specialness" it's quite simply that I care.
Women get stamped "EMOTIONAL" and men get stamped "EMOTIONLESS." Fine, women are emotional, we are more emotional than men, can it complicate things? Yes. But really, truly, in the end, we sort it out and figure it out... slowly but surely... it might take us going through a few failed relationships and fights and bs to learn a thing or two about the way a man works... and same for men, I'm sure it takes failed relationships and all that stuff too to learn how a woman works. I should also mention that men aren't emotionless, they have emotions too they just show it (or not show it) in different ways.
All in all... I don't think EITHER of us have it easy. Through my failed relationships, and learned lessons and talks with boys that are friends I think I'm close to getting a good grasp on the mind of a male. Now, I think there are many different types of males and ways they work, but in the end is there ONE word to describe them?
In this relationship that I'm in.. I don't know what to call it though, is it a relationshipless relationship? There have obviously been times when I let my emotions determine what I communicate, then a second, or hour, later the light bulb turns on and I'm like "...oohhh!!! I get it!!!!!!!" Why can't I just get it before I open my mouth ... errr let my thumbs do the texting! I need to stop thinking about things!
Anyways, back to different types of males.... actually.. all men are the same, some just talk and distract you, while others play it cool and just do their thing. So... I do know that mens' actions are their words... their actions speak for how they feel. I just happen to forget about that little but VERY IMPORTANT fact. oh gosh... I'm confusing myself.. because while mens' actions speak for how they feel ... I guess I should say that some of their actions speak for how they feel.
Example: Mr. High School comes over a lot and spends the night on weeknights and has to leave my place at 530am to get to work on time. He's sacrificing a lot to do that... he's sacrificing a good nights sleep to be in top form for his job and it's important for him to be alert, but it's not only his job that needs his body and mind to be in top form, he needs it too. So I get he sacrifices a lot to spend time with me and I appreciate it so much. But of course today I freaked out a bit in my head when he asked to put a stop on sleep overs until my school ends (which is in like 3 weeks.. or maybe 2? I don't remember), then we can have Friday nights together. I asked if we were okay, and he said we were... AND WE ARE!!!!!! After I asked him that I realized that, whatever, I took it personally and I let my insane head do all this running around for no reason. If only I could put a stop to it. So this is a prime example of his actions showing how he feels.... and of how I can be emotionally special...
Men are simple, bottom line... they eat, drink, piss, shit, sleep, do things for us and love us. Women are simple in a complicated way we love too much, we care too much, we over analyze too much.... and we eat, drink, piss, shit and sleep too. (I'd like to take this moment and remind men how important it is to remember that we piss and shit too :) ).
I was talking to a friend of mine and we were talking about the difference between men and women and I accepted the fact that we are emotional.. not emotional... yes emotional but I just feel that it has such a negative connotation!... we are caring :) He was saying that bottom line is that men really only think with their cocks... which is interesting because that's a thought I held on to for the longest time... which made it hard for me to really trust what came out of a boys mouth... and with this relationshipless relationship I'm getting rid of that mentality... maybe it'll kick me in the butt later on maybe it wont... I gotta learn to give every guy a fair chance..... until they screw me over and then I say to myself "see I was right, he only thought with his cock."
I must say though, while I get that mens' actions speak their feelings, it's nice to hear how they feel sometimes. Just to support that what we think their actions are saying are right.. if that makes sense... or is that me being too much in my head again? hahaha .... anyways!! Actions=Feelings!!! Actions= Feelings!!! All together now!!! Actions=Feelings!!
Is any of this making sense?!?! How can something so simple, like 2 human beings joining together, turn into something complicated.... I guess it just doesn't have to be... and I guess that's where I need to draw the line....... it's just so hard not to think!
...thoughts?
:)
<3
Sunday, June 5, 2011
I'm in Love!!!!!!!
Yes!!
You read correctly!!!
This Single Sally is in L-O-V-E looooooveee!!!!!
With life :)
haha
Today, at this very moment I am completely content with life :) I love love love having Sundays off!! Why is that you ask? Well... a number of things!!! Let's start with the first thing!
1. So, a while ago, about a month ago, I was reading someones blog, I forget who's it was, so I apologize for not giving a proper shout out, but this person kept track and listed all the things that made her smile that month... so I decided to take on the challenge, I was worried I'd forget but since I kept my list at work it was always right there waiting for me to write something down :) So, here are my smiles for the month of may :)
1st Watching Fringe on my "couch"
2nd Booty talkin with Mr. High School
3rd Last meeting with my therapist... sweet and sour
4th Helping Deaf customers
5th Pasta Machine!!!!!!!
6th Dinner with the bestie!
7th Cream of spinach soup I made at school
8th Joking around at work, saying I have an adopted son named Semaj
9th Mr. High School over for dinner :)
10th Decorating my kitchen
11th Talking about Semaj (look at 8th)
12th Sourdough bread!
13th Pesto dinner with the brother
14th Dinner with Mr. High School
15th My brothers College Graduation!!!
16th 2nd day of Graduation and Mr. High School
17th The Good Wife with the gals :)
18th Mr. High Schools Breakfast for dinner :)
19th Making an awesome Knot roll in bread class
20th Good chat with the brother
21st The clouds
22nd Dinner with Mr. High School and the last minute apple dessert I made :)
23rd Apple Butter with my NY friend!!! <3
24th Opening shift at work!
25th Mr. High School
26th Delicious Honey Wheat bread made at school
27th Honey Wheat bread with Apple butter for breakfast!!!
28th Relatives in town!
29th Bought my Ice Cream Machine!!!!!!
30th Made sourdough starter, painted my dresser, Mr. High Schools brunch
31st I DIDN'T WRITE ANYTHING!!!!!!!
I don't get why I didn't write anything for the 31st... I'm trying to think back on that day.... can't remember doing anything aside from working....
Anyways! I had a great month!!!! It's been the best month I've had in a while!!! woot! I'm going to try and keep this a ritual let's see if I can do this month too! So, thats one thing that makes me love life right now!! All those smiles that not only make me smile on those days but everyday! Cheesy, I know!
2. Today!! I have off!!! which makes me soo happy! I haven't had a sunday off to myself in .... about a month.. yep.. a fuckin' month.... work sucks :) But!!! on this fine Sunday I went to the Italian Market!!!! I truly do feel like the Superwoman I tried to tap into the last time I went to the Italian Market (click on the link to check out that post). I am superwoman hear me roar!!! At first I wasn't going to go cuz I just wanted to stay in and in bed all day!!! Then I got excited over the fact of buying cheese, and basil, and tomatoes and roasted red peppers and delicious porscuito that I couldn't stay in bed!!!!! So!! I did just that, I hopped up, threw something on and headed out!
The fruit/veggie stand guy hit on me asking me if I was making pasta for my husband and I was like "no, I'm making brunch for myself!" haha I was like a lame happy go lucky gal telling everyone I was making brunch for myself! haha The dude kept on asking me about my husband and I finally said I don't have one and he said "oh, plenty of men here :)" hahahaha silly boy! But! I got a good bunch of basil, tomatoes and oranges from him for 5bux!
Then I want to Claudio, they've got a great selection of cheeses and such, I just got a ball of mozzerella, roasted red peppers, and porscuito from him. There I was chatting it up with an older man, he was a sweet guy. At first I was just gonna get cheese and peppers but i decided to indulge and get the meat too... I deserve it!!!! It's okay to spoil myself once in a while!!! He gave me some good tips on how to handle and store my mozzerella.
Then, on my walk home... I live 2 blocks away from a bakery that supposedly has the best cannolis in town! So I debated, should i get one, should I not??? Today is a day to indulge! And!! That I did!!! I bought a small cannoli for $3.25!! haha And! I asked if they do internships there so I got a number to call on Tuesday! woot!
Here is a picture of the components of my brunch and the finished product :)
Brunch was truly amazing this morning!! Then I made freshly squeezed OJ to top it off!!! mm mm!! and! I just ate the cannoli!!! It really is so important to do things that make you happy. Little things make me so happy, like this lovely brunch.
Seriously, time for some cheesieness, but it really goes back to the whole idea of being able to love yourself, make yourself happy before you can do that for anyone else. Save yourself before you attempt to save others. I also love how life can be such a great educator!! Learn from your experiences so that you can better carry yourself in the now and in the future.
So, anyways, while I was prepping my brunch and what not I had some rockin brazilian music on, so I'm going to go ahead and share one of my faves!!
Sigh!!! this is a long long post!!!! But it's an exciting one!!!
Oh! As a quick update to last weeks post, things ended up going really well! We had a nice, text convo, and it really comforted me. That's all I'll say!!
For now, I've got dishes to do!!!! Have a lovely week ya'll!!!!
love love love love love!!!!!
<3
You read correctly!!!
This Single Sally is in L-O-V-E looooooveee!!!!!
With life :)
haha
Today, at this very moment I am completely content with life :) I love love love having Sundays off!! Why is that you ask? Well... a number of things!!! Let's start with the first thing!
1. So, a while ago, about a month ago, I was reading someones blog, I forget who's it was, so I apologize for not giving a proper shout out, but this person kept track and listed all the things that made her smile that month... so I decided to take on the challenge, I was worried I'd forget but since I kept my list at work it was always right there waiting for me to write something down :) So, here are my smiles for the month of may :)
1st Watching Fringe on my "couch"
2nd Booty talkin with Mr. High School
3rd Last meeting with my therapist... sweet and sour
4th Helping Deaf customers
5th Pasta Machine!!!!!!!
6th Dinner with the bestie!
7th Cream of spinach soup I made at school
8th Joking around at work, saying I have an adopted son named Semaj
9th Mr. High School over for dinner :)
10th Decorating my kitchen
11th Talking about Semaj (look at 8th)
12th Sourdough bread!
13th Pesto dinner with the brother
14th Dinner with Mr. High School
15th My brothers College Graduation!!!
16th 2nd day of Graduation and Mr. High School
17th The Good Wife with the gals :)
18th Mr. High Schools Breakfast for dinner :)
19th Making an awesome Knot roll in bread class
20th Good chat with the brother
21st The clouds
22nd Dinner with Mr. High School and the last minute apple dessert I made :)
23rd Apple Butter with my NY friend!!! <3
24th Opening shift at work!
25th Mr. High School
26th Delicious Honey Wheat bread made at school
27th Honey Wheat bread with Apple butter for breakfast!!!
28th Relatives in town!
29th Bought my Ice Cream Machine!!!!!!
30th Made sourdough starter, painted my dresser, Mr. High Schools brunch
31st I DIDN'T WRITE ANYTHING!!!!!!!
I don't get why I didn't write anything for the 31st... I'm trying to think back on that day.... can't remember doing anything aside from working....
Anyways! I had a great month!!!! It's been the best month I've had in a while!!! woot! I'm going to try and keep this a ritual let's see if I can do this month too! So, thats one thing that makes me love life right now!! All those smiles that not only make me smile on those days but everyday! Cheesy, I know!
2. Today!! I have off!!! which makes me soo happy! I haven't had a sunday off to myself in .... about a month.. yep.. a fuckin' month.... work sucks :) But!!! on this fine Sunday I went to the Italian Market!!!! I truly do feel like the Superwoman I tried to tap into the last time I went to the Italian Market (click on the link to check out that post). I am superwoman hear me roar!!! At first I wasn't going to go cuz I just wanted to stay in and in bed all day!!! Then I got excited over the fact of buying cheese, and basil, and tomatoes and roasted red peppers and delicious porscuito that I couldn't stay in bed!!!!! So!! I did just that, I hopped up, threw something on and headed out!
The fruit/veggie stand guy hit on me asking me if I was making pasta for my husband and I was like "no, I'm making brunch for myself!" haha I was like a lame happy go lucky gal telling everyone I was making brunch for myself! haha The dude kept on asking me about my husband and I finally said I don't have one and he said "oh, plenty of men here :)" hahahaha silly boy! But! I got a good bunch of basil, tomatoes and oranges from him for 5bux!
Then I want to Claudio, they've got a great selection of cheeses and such, I just got a ball of mozzerella, roasted red peppers, and porscuito from him. There I was chatting it up with an older man, he was a sweet guy. At first I was just gonna get cheese and peppers but i decided to indulge and get the meat too... I deserve it!!!! It's okay to spoil myself once in a while!!! He gave me some good tips on how to handle and store my mozzerella.
Then, on my walk home... I live 2 blocks away from a bakery that supposedly has the best cannolis in town! So I debated, should i get one, should I not??? Today is a day to indulge! And!! That I did!!! I bought a small cannoli for $3.25!! haha And! I asked if they do internships there so I got a number to call on Tuesday! woot!
Here is a picture of the components of my brunch and the finished product :)
Brunch was truly amazing this morning!! Then I made freshly squeezed OJ to top it off!!! mm mm!! and! I just ate the cannoli!!! It really is so important to do things that make you happy. Little things make me so happy, like this lovely brunch.
Seriously, time for some cheesieness, but it really goes back to the whole idea of being able to love yourself, make yourself happy before you can do that for anyone else. Save yourself before you attempt to save others. I also love how life can be such a great educator!! Learn from your experiences so that you can better carry yourself in the now and in the future.
So, anyways, while I was prepping my brunch and what not I had some rockin brazilian music on, so I'm going to go ahead and share one of my faves!!
Sigh!!! this is a long long post!!!! But it's an exciting one!!!
Oh! As a quick update to last weeks post, things ended up going really well! We had a nice, text convo, and it really comforted me. That's all I'll say!!
For now, I've got dishes to do!!!! Have a lovely week ya'll!!!!
love love love love love!!!!!
<3
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