Ms. CrazyFace

I had a different blog started but today is different than yesterday and I've got all of these thoughts and feelings floating around inside of me so I might as well write it out! By the way, Ms. CrazyFace.... that's me :)

I think we've all established that I love love, I have a new found love-hate relationship with crushing and that I'm trying so hard to be a realistic grounded person in every and all relationships I enter from this point forward.

It's like what Nicole commented on my previous post  she put it beautifully:

relationships are hard on a female emotionally because we have to sort through all of the "warm and fuzzy" feelings of starting something new with someone and get down to the real solid feelings that will make or break a relationship. And then we have to deal with having deep feelings for someone, and they might not be on that level yet. So then we have to hold it in and not say anything so we don't seem like we're trying to "rush" things. All of the confusion and the stress of holding back is torture sometimes.

It's funny because my cousin said something to me this weekend, he looked at me and said "Don't you seriously believe that women are more complicated than men? Men are so much simpler" Now, I'm not going to get into it because on some levels men are simpler than women but then there are those emotionally fucked up men out there that are worse than 1000 emotional women... maybe even more!!!

But, to some extent, women are more emotionally invested in things... it's not to say that we are complicated, I just think that we tend to adhere to emotional thoughts about a person quicker than men do.... correct me if I'm wrong men. Once again, it really depends, male..female... whatever we are all different but there is a, I guess you could say, greater occurrence of men sharing a certain quality and women sharing one as well. Anyways, I think I'm going off topic.

I'd like to think that I was doing, I guess I could say, a good job, maybe 90%, trying to keep grounded and realistic about Mr. High School. Then BAM! Today came and slapped me clear across the face... I lost control of myself and definitely didn't do a good job holding my emotions in. 

Here's the thing, I feel that with Mr. High School I have definitely let my guard down way sooner, maybe not my guard, but I've been doing things differently... I've been going with the flow and just enjoying my time spent with him and not rushing my emotions and feelings... but yeah today I failed. And it's not to say that its necessarily a bad thing, who knows... who cares because if it is, then it is what it is, if it isn't, then, high five.

I greatly enjoyed my time spent with Mr. High School last night and today... I guess I had expectations, which definitely fucked me over. We were out late walking the city which was really nice, I really enjoyed it.. then we finally got to sleep in!!! Something we've never been able to do considering he leaves for work so early when he stays over. Then he made us a delicious brunch! He tried to help me fix my TV and then he left shortly after.... and.. well.. I didn't get a good grasp of my emotions... I totally slipped up and failed! I didn't fail. But well.. I seriously felt that we didn't kiss enough... go ahead and laugh at me, but I love kissing him. I had also thought we were going to spend the day together.  Ya wanna know why?!?!! BECAUSE I WASN'T BEING REALISTIC!!! It's okay to dream, by all means people, dream away. But seriously, he had shit to do, I had shit to do so fine, he left early. But! I just felt that it was abrupt hahaha.. takes me back to our first date. haha. So, I stupidly text him saying he seemed distant. Which I did feel, but I think it was all me... I mean, it definitely was all me and in my head because I'm stupidly going gaga over him now and my head just isn't working right.

So... he texts me saying he's fine and why I thought that. Then I made the mistake, or not mistake, of telling him I'm falling for him and to disregard my previous text because my head is being silly...

UGH!

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF??

Just when I think I can take a handle of my emotions and finally be in control, I do this. 

So, I haven't heard from him, which is to be expected.... I'm kind of on edge but I mostly don't mind that he didn't text me back, he deserves the time to collect his thoughts in giving me a response... which is to say that I deserve it too?  I think me thinking that, is a big step for me because I probably would've text him again and said something stupid to counteract the outburst of emotion or I would be freaking out right now... which I guess is what this post is coming across as.....

I'm not freaking out about the lack of response from him... I'm freaking out at my stupidity and not just giving myself a simple cooling period before jumping to conclusions in my head :)

Nicole put it perfectly... it's torture.....

<3

All Mixed Up

I am reminded of 311.... oh the 90's!


So, I'm feeling a bit pressured, not quite sure how to write this post. There are many things I want to touch on so lets try and see how this goes. I'm all mixed up on several levels. I'm also a little worried as to how to go about writing it all out. I don't want to offend anyone or make a big deal out of anything that really isn't a big deal... if that makes sense??

1. I guess ya'll kinda know that I'm sorta seeing this guy...Mr. High School. I haven't really talked too much about him other than his to die for arms and my lack of expectations. Things have surprisingly been going well between him and I. I think we've really surprised each other. Remember that post about lists I wrote, and I listed things I wanted in a man and in a relationship? Then I wrote another post about how I've ditched the whole list because it's limiting and it doesn't really matter who it is I fall in love with, it doesn't matter who I marry, whether a dude fits my list or not. What matters is he's a good guy, and we communicate well and there's compromise and the relationship is built on a solid foundation... but basically what matters is that he's good and we make each other happy. I'm not, by any means, saying I'm going to marry Mr. High School or that I'm in love with him... I am in TOTAL like with him though.

Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that he doesn't fit the list of things I want in a guy... well... I shouldn't say he doesn't because what mixes me up is that he actually sort of does in some ways, but in ways that aren't what I originally thought.  But I seriously just looked back at that Lists post and he really does fit it all... which is interesting because I wasn't even paying attention to the list at all until now. Something that I wrote on the list that he fits in differently than what I had in mind was the whole cultured one. He is completely cultured in a totally different way that I had in mind and I love it, because I love learning things about him...there is still soo soo much to learn!

Conclusion to that is, well, I guess I haven't ditched my list.... I just keep it on the back burner :)


2. Interracial relationships. Mr. High School is of a different race than me, which I obviously have no problem with. Can I just say how much I've always loved interracial couples... they are soo fuckin beautiful. I just love my lame ass white skin up against Mr. High Schools smooth dark skin... it just turns me on. He's beautiful. Another thing about interracial couples... their babies are the most beautiful... just sayin'... not saying Mr. High School and I are going to have babies.. it's just something I've taken note of.

3. While I wrote about in the last post that I lack expectations in this relationship... while I still do... today I caught myself digging myself into a crazy-over-Mr.-High-School hole! It was really bad... and it reminded my of my classmate telling me and another classmate how she doesn't like dating and she pretty much hates the feeling of liking someone. I was like "what!! but crushes are soo great!!!!!" because I'm always pro-love and like and wonderful feelings that lead to kissing and hugging :) But! I seriously found myself hating this feeling!! I got into this crazy dream land unrealistic hole filled with blue skies, rainbows and unicorns then this dark stormy cloud came over head... the dark cloud is basically filled with all these thoughts and feelings of ... not inadequacy... but thats the word that comes to mind... inadequacy backed up by the failure of past relationships.... silly... I know! Then I found myself spiriling down... does this happen to you?!?!!?! Whoever is out there reading this!?! The cloud of Lack of Confidence comes and sweeps the blue skies away. So, in short, I'm not sure I'm liking this liking thing.....I had a bit of a frustrating day so I mean the dark cloud today was definitely a mix of other things as well... but then guess what... Mr. High School called me because he knew I wasn't doin well... now... aint that sweet....

back to la la land I go!

Shit.


help me!

<3

Foundations

Sorry about the lack of post last week... man, I've been having too many of those recently, haven't I?

Life has seriously been busy!!!

So crazy!!!

During my undergrad I was always so envious of busy people, thinking that busy people had purposes in life because they always had someplace to be and something important to do, they were needed. While I enjoyed my free time, I definitely took it for granted! Here I am so super busy that when I finally have free time to do laundry, I decide to hop into bed and relax instead :)

I think it may be better to need yourself than to be needed. I mean its good to be needed, don't get me wrong, you get a sense of fulfillment and a sense of purpose, a sense of helping others. But! When being needed overpowers needing yourself, you start to loose what's most important...you.

Which brings me to the topic of this weeks post. Foundations. Last week was my last session with my therapist because her time with the organization had come to an end. While I was a bit worried about not continuing with another therapist, I also thought that it'd be good to challenge myself and try and take the tools I've learned, and try to depend on me to move forward.

A while back I think I mentioned how when I started to see my therapist I was seeking building stability and a foundation... well she definitely gave me the tools and together we got all the lumber and supplies ready and now the torch has been passed on to me to take control of my life and to start putting that foundation together. I think I've got a pretty solid frame now.

My last session with my therapist put things into perspective for me. I do have to fight for myself, I do have to need myself. So, since then I've been feeling a bit more solid, like I've got something solid to stand on, and this seeped into every aspect of my life.  I feel that I do walk a little taller now.

This kind of brings me to the subject about this boy that I'm seeing. In my last post I wrote about my lack of expectations. The fact that I lack expectations, I think, allows me to be more real and realistic in this situation. This guy is totally different than any other dude I've been before, and this relationship/friendship/whatever has allowed me to be a different person as well... it's allowed me to be more me. Maybe it's the guy, maybe it's the relationship, or maybe it's just me with my new pair of glasses looking at it all with my eyes and no one elses.

I'm not sure this is making sense at all or if this post is even worth reading. But, I guess I feel the need to announce that with a year of therapy I think I'm finally believing in me bit by bit, and I think I'm finally standing taller, inch by inch. If I cant, who will, right?

Hopefully I'll have some juicy goodness for you next week!!! While I make this blog public and post links up every week on fb, I don't mind who reads it.... but when it comes to my mother :) I love her dearly, but she likes to ask a lot of questions... so I'm going to try and not post links up on fb and try and ween her off of my blog :) hahaha

But, for now, things are good with the boy :) We'll leave it at that.

<3

Mr. High School revisited

Disclaimer: This warning really only pertains to the person I'm writing about...I'm aware that I make this blog public...which might be a mistake on my part, but!!! I know that there's a chance for the people I write about to read a blog post about them! So, Mr. High School, forgive me if I say anything off or if you're offended by anything, don't take anything personally, this is just how I process things...this is how the woman you're interested in works...hahaha...eep! Hopefully you'll stay interested!

So, to all my avid readers and friends, remember that entry I wrote almost a year ago...last august..about my date with Mr. High School? In case you forgot, you can either reread the entry here, or I can give you a quick rundown. It was a nice date, I enjoyed the conversations, seeing how he grew into this man since high school was nice, but! I was taken aback by how short the date was and confused by the follow up. After that date, a month or so later we tried to get together again and then we kind of just didn't and that was that. I hadn't heard from him since then until about a month ago.

It was nice hearing from him again, but I definitely wasn't as into it as I was last year because I felt like all he did was send mixed messages and wouldn't follow through with things. So, naturally, I had my guard up a bit. We've been texting back and forth for maybe a month now, it's been nice. I did mention something to him about his flaking and he apologized, said he's got all his focus on me now...

Last Sunday we decided to hang out, I say hang out because I'm not sure if it was a date or what it was so I might refer to it as a date or whatever, I dunno blah! It doesn't matter! We didn't meet until 10pm at a local restaurant. It was really nice seeing him again.  (Sidenote: Remember 2 weeks ago I wrote a post titled "What's your shoe size?" and I started it off with what my coworkers top 3 things are they look for in a significant other. Well, when one of them mentioned that arms are one of their top 3 I didn't get it until I hugged Mr. High School hello. Hugging him hello and goodbye, I just wanted to stay wrapped up in those arms of his forever!)

Anyways, this date went really well! We, again, had some good conversations. I definitely enjoy chatting it up with him. I loved learning new things about him, last time he was passionate about politics and this time he was too. One thing I enjoyed hearing him talk about, was electricity. He's an electrical engineer and he loves electricity. Let me just say that I love hearing people talk about things they are passionate about. He's a cutie.

So, it was getting late, around 12, and we decided to call it a night. He was going to try and pay for the bill but I said NO!! The only reason he let me pay was because I said I wanted to treat him for his birthday which was the following day.

Can I go back to talking about his arms? Well, I was so looking forward to saying goodbye!! Not because I wanted the date to end, but so I could get wrapped up again. Seriously, maybe it's because there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and being wrapped up in someones arms is all I've been wanting...needing!!! I don't know, but mm mm mm his nice strong arms....sigh.  I might have to substitute that for one of my top 3.

In all seriousness though, who knows where this is headed? I have no expectations like I normally do when things get started with boys.  I am so busy and feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions... well maybe only 3 directions, but they're 3 big directions that take up so much of my time and energy, emotionally and physically. So with this dude I'm in the mind frame that whatever comes comes, whatever goes goes, it is what it is.

It's funny because when I was with Mr. Hands I was fighting for a "serious relationship," and here I am not really caring at all what comes of this, just letting things flow. I guess a persons wants/needs can be altered when new elements are presented (I think I'm trying to sound smart...but I don't think it's working.).

Arms....arms....arms....arms...arms.....sigh... one thing I know that will remain constant for now is that I can dream of his hugs :) Sadly, that's the only thing I have room in my head to dream of. Well, it's not so sad, hugs are amazing things!


<3