Shift

So, I know I've written silly posts, serious posts, and posts that have helped me figure me out through this journey in singledom. Here I go, so, I see a therapist about once a week, it was one of my goals when I moved back to the east coast 6 months ago. The last visit with her I was sort of at a low point. Behind my silly posts and my posts where I seem strong and defiant and feeling A-OKAY about being a single woman, there is a sad desperate me. In all seriousness, jokes aside on this post...

I kind of hit a wall in my last session. I felt like I was just kidding myself in this whole process. I look at my exes who have moved on, are in new relationships, or even married and I look at myself and don't understand why I am always left being single. (Note: There is nothing wrong with being single. It's actually quite lovely! You can be as selfish as you'd like! Go where you want, do what you want etc.). It only makes me think "Is there something wrong with me?!!?!?" Of course when I asked this question I was semi-yelled at "NO!" But how can I help feeling this feeling of helplessness?

I went on to tell my therapist how much I hate how desperate I am. How I try to accept this being single, this not being on a path I thought I'd be on by now. Then she presented me with a question: "Well, Neomie, what is the difference between being desperate and having passion towards something?" I saw clearly what she was getting at, I get it, I know! I replied with "Well a desperate person has that want and need for this thing, but they want it so bad that it's sad and that they kind of end up feeling helpless....they have no confidence in getting what they want..." Passion?!?! Well, I thought that was an easy answer "Passion is when you also want something so bad, you have so much love for it but you have, you own that confidence in attaining that passion."

So, I guess the big question here now is, "where's the confidence?"

When we were all 18/19 most of us created some sort of plan for ourselves, even if we weren't serious about it, we still sort of hung onto it, it's still in us. We all set goals for ourselves- "Where will I be when I'm 30?" type of goals. Back then I thought life was a bitch but by the time I'd turn 30 I'd be with my future husband, have a stable career and start thinking about having babies and starting a family. I'm 27...30 is coming up around the bend.... and it doesn't look like I'm headed towards that dream/goal/plan I had. Yes, I still have that plan, but I just have to change that #....that age. There's a shift in my plans now, it's not as cookie cutter as I hoped it'd be. So, that's where my confidence went...my plan failed, so therefore... I have failed.

Shake that shit out of your system!!!!!!! Pronto!!! That, my friend, is where my desperation stems from.

It's not only bad that I feel this, but I also get it from my mother. Pushing my age and not having that jewish husband...oy!!!

Where do I go from here? How do I change the feeling of desperation into passion? How can I gain confidence?

Being/thinking/living positively rather than negatively? Just accepting this, giving in and let whatever happen, happen?

I've tried it all!! So, universe, I look up at you at night and you give me no answers. I've got nothing to work with.

On a more positive note. I love how I've challenged myself these past few months. If I wasn't single none of these milestones would've been accomplished. I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned how to start loving myself and all of that cheesy crap.

I'm completely open for love and from this day forward I will stop looking at it in desperation but with passion. When it's time, it's time...I just wish the time was now..haha!

Thanks for reading!

<3

Babies

So, well, this week has been a busy week. By the time Friday rolled around I was stressing about what to write for this weeks posting! I was asking my co-workers and I was desperately trying to figure out what to write. I had several ideas to write about 1. How sex does/doesn't change things 2. Ex Rules and 3. Marriage. Alas, the universe allowed this weeks post to present itself right on time! For those of you who are new readers, I wrote about this once before. Whenever I force myself to think of a new post idea I either write a silly post or I force an idea and it just doesn't come out right, but! Before the time I normally put up posts, an idea presents itself. Well here is this last min idea!

-------------------------------------------------------

So, this is the 21st century, and times definitely have changed!

I just got back from seeing The Switch, while it was a typical Jennifer Aniston chick flick, I came out of it with some goals in mind! A lot of movies these past few years have a story line based around single, financially stable women giving up on the traditional idea of finding a husband THEN having kids and completely doing it the other way around! The Switch, Backup Plan, Baby Mamma etc. I am very well aware that these are Hollywood ideals of what happens to single ladies who attempt this. I know that when you get artificially inseminated Mr. Future Husband doesn't really come strolling around the corner... I am very well aware that Hollywood is a complete load of fuckin bullshit.... but at the same time... looking at it in the perspective of being single and deciding to have a kid on your own, it is very possible!

So!!! I decided, that when I turn 30...or maybe 31.. no.. maybe when I turn 30 (i'll take that year to make the final decision) but when I turn 30, if I have a stable career where I have a good constant income coming in that would allow me financially to go through artificial insemination, and I am not with my Future Husband, I'd totally do it!

It was kind of like a light bulb went off in my head, like I finally got it, like everything was clearer. I am crazy over babies, I can not wait to have babies. I can't wait to experience having something growing inside of me, I can't wait to experience childbirth, I can't wait for it all! Giving and growing life just excites the hell outta me.

This whole time though, I thought that I needed to have a husband in order to take the next step and have a baby. BUT I DON'T!!!!

It really is funny, I've always had this cookie cutter idea of what my life is supposed to be, how its supposed to be played out. Now as I near 30 I am learning that it's okay that my life isn't turning out the way I thought it should. I was struggling with that, but I'm coming to terms with it and I think I'm okay with being independent and doing this whole thing on my own.

While I can't wait to get married and be with my Future Husband, it doesn't all have to happen in a specific order! I was thinking about Marriage the other day (hence one of the ideas for a blog post....) and when I see the customers that I have and I see which ones have rings on their fingers and what not it just seemed so odd to me. Some people I look at and I wonder if they are happy, I wonder if they just settled so that THEY can fit that cookie cutter lifestyle. I wonder if they think about life the way I do. I can't wait to get married and start that kind of lifestyle, but I also know that I can't and will not ever settle. I know that my happiness is the most important thing. That is why I've come to terms with me being single and that I don't mind it that much....sometimes :)

If having a baby on my own is part of my own happiness, I don't need to be married to do it. I am a forever changing, growing human being. I am slowly finding my place in this universe and in my world.

I love how women have become more independent thinkers, workers and breeders.

I thank you science for making artificial insemination possible!


So come on single women lets root root root for the home team and get cracking on living outside of the mold!

<3

"Closure"

"When the lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window"
- Nun lady in The Sound of Music

Truer words have never been said sista! Preach on!

Yes, if you read the title, this post is about "closure"

What does "closure" mean to you? How do you go about finding "closure"? When you think you've found it, did it actually happen? Does it even exist!?!?!!?

Fuckin' closure! You break up with what you thought was the love of your life and then the next steps are getting over the heartache and finding "closure."

Speaking from personal experience "closure" is the best excuse we use in the book to see that lost love, one last time. Yes, of course we look at it in an "adult" fashion and say to ourselves, and our besties, "I just need closure, I swear I'm over him/her I just need to see him/her one last time just to say goodbye so I can move on.... I swear, this will be the last time I ever see/think/talk to/about him/her " (haha was that last part a little confusing?!?!! eep!) I'm sure you've said that or something similar to that many times in your life, or for the lucky people maybe once or even NEVER (bitter)! While it is said with good intentions, it never really works out that way, does it?

I think I can recall the first time I ever used that word, "closure." I used to date this boy, for a brief amount of time, we were friends for a while before dating. Our relationship was immature and not real at all, but I always had a dream that he was the one! I dreamed of us having kids with crazy curly hair running around, I dreamed of us growing old together. He was the first and really only man I've dated where I could actually picture these things.

So, there came a time when I was able to meet up with him. I told myself, and my bestie, how great it'll be to finally have "closure" and that this meeting would be it for me and that I'd never have fond feelings for him again. Fast-forward 7 years later and here I am still holding onto those ideas.

Think back to your first time you thought you were going to find that "closure."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


closure |ˈklō zh ər|
noun
an act or process of closing something, esp. an institution, thoroughfare, or frontier, or of being closed : road closures | hospitals that face closure.
• a thing that closes or seals something, such as a cap or zipper.
• a resolution or conclusion to a work or process : he brings modernistic closure to his narrative

(taken from the macbook dictionary).............. (yes, I'm a mac user... don't judge)

Part of this definition of closure is referring to things, physical things... then there is the part of this definition that refers to an idea, but they seem to be concrete objective ideas. When we speak of closure in relationships, it is quite clearly personal and filled with emotions.

Closure with exes is just an idea. It never happens when you want it to, it just happens...or doesn't happen. Closure, I think, is just wishful thinking... especially and, possibly, only if you force it. Maybe I'm being pessimistic about this whole closure deal? I just know that from my experience and from the experiences of my friends closure never happens that one last meeting. You want to know what happens that one last meeting?......this is what happens

1. You either FUCK... yes... you fuck... don't fucking sit there and deny it! We've all done it... it's the worst idea ever... and we are all aware of how bad it is the second we walk through that door and instantly know its going to happen. I'm pretty sure I speak the truth when I say we know it's going to happen the moment we walk through that door. Where was it that I read this or heard this? You can tell the vibe of the meeting within the first 5 min of being with someone. I would assume that this would happen especially!!!! Especially, when you've already been romantically involved with this person. Vibes are strong and while we are human, we've still got a little bit of that 6th sense.

2. It is the most awkward meeting ever. More awkward than your first date or the first time you kissed or whatever! Fuckin' awkward. You can't be cool and comfortable like you were before you broke up. So, those little things you two used to do, you actually have to consciously remind yourself that those are no longer allowed. So, maybe what makes it so awkward is that you both spend your time trying to avoid these things?

3. That definitely is NOT the last time you see or talk to him/her....we all know this happens! When it does happen, please, just please, for yourself and for the other person, just stop it. It's not helping anything or anyone. It just makes it harder on the both of you. When one finally lets go first, the other one is left feeling crushed and bitter...which makes the heartache worse. "I thought you said you loved me and wanted to try and somehow work it out!" or "I thought we were going to try and be friends." The whole friend thing really only works in a land filled with rainbows, unicorns, leprechauns etc. Harsh, but true.... <3 style="font-weight: bold;">

4. You are just one cool fuckin' lucky duck and it all comes to you easy as pie... even though for some people pie ain't that easy... (....yeah....)

Listen, I'm no professional when it comes to this shit. This whole blog is all about me writing about my personal experiences, my thoughts, my opinions... I'm no Dr. Of-Fucked-Up-Relationships (even though I think I am pretty close to it), so bear with me.. and if you disagree please do not hesitate to use the comment section below :)

Anyways!!! So!! Closure!!! It's just an idea people! Either time does the healing of wounds or you have to really make an effort to actually deal with these feelings and move on!

So, about the boy I mentioned earlier, the one I imagined growing old with... this boy has dicked me over plenty of times that he's basically handed "closure" to me on a silver... no... FUCKIN' GOLD! platter. Alas, I still found myself stuck.

You want to know what's helping me through all this closure business? This, is my new form of closure, "Goodbye!"

Yep!

That's it!! As simple as that!!

When that boy crosses my mind I just say goodbye to him every time!

So, boys and girls, lets all virtually hold hands together and say goodbye to those exes of ours. The ones that still have a hold on us, goodbye...the ones that broke our hearts countless amounts of times,goodbye.... the ones that just didn't get it, goodbye....the ones that cheated on us, fucked us over, abused us (emotionally/physically) GOODBYE!!

Goodbye!

Scream it if you have to! I'm serious... GOODBYE!!!!

Join me!

In the comment section, I think it'd be really cool if you added your Goodbye, do it anonymously if you want to. Either write the name or write "goodbye to the boy/girl that broke my heart" or whatever they did! I'm serious! Let's do this!

Here's mine:



Goodbye Matt



Goodbye Spencer



Goodbye Rich





I love easily, and I hurt easily.... but it's hard for me to let go.

Remember, when that door is closed, a window is opened.

<3

What's my deal?

So!

I have a couple confessions to make..... I've spoken with some people about these confessions and some see things the same as I do... some don't... either way.... here are my list of confessions.

1. I hate mullets...men or women sporting mullets doesn't matter what sex...what gender...whatever... I can't stand mullets! Even if you're super hot like Boone on Lost is/was... he was fuckin' fine, but he sported a mini mullet and every time he turned his head and I saw the back of it.... my head turned towards the bucket.

2. I want to hook up with a chick. There ya go, I said it! Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to, it's just been inside of me for too long. While my closest friends know this, I figured I might as well get it out in the open. I'm going to be honest and say that I'm one of those stereotypical straight girls that just wants to experience a nice, hot, hookup with a nice, hot, chick :)

3. Crotches. Whether it be men or women, I have a tendency to stare at them. With women it's more so the case of making sure they don't have a camel toe. I can't stand camel toes, and I do not understand how women (or men) who sport them could stand them either. Seriously people, that shit can not be comfortable! And men, while it's nice to get a heads up as to what the deal is with your package, when you're wearing pants that seriously act as saran wrap or some shit and you can SEE it.. please... do not expect me NOT to look at it. I mean, maybe that's the whole point. I know not a lot of American men wear pants THAT tight, European men do for sure.... I have a story to tell and I'm not sure if it's appropriate.... heck.. I'll share it anyways!

A couple of years ago I was visiting family in France. Yep, Europe. Which means that there's the possibility that some of my family members enjoy sporting tight pants. One night, the possibility became factual. We were all getting ready to go out for a nice dinner. I was hanging out in the living room and one of my male relatives walks in with tight ass fuckin' pants! Okay, so, his shit was literally right in my face, I couldn't NOT look at it! So, I did, only for a quick second... and then... I think he caught me looking for that one split second... and thus began the stream of awkward vibes throughout the rest of the trip.... sigh..... This past summer when I went to visit again.... he wore the pants, I made a mental note not to accidentally look.


Sidenote: So when I think about this next confession and confession #3 it leads me to believe that maybe I just really need to get laid....??.... it's been a while... anyways! On to confession #4!!!!


4. Sometimes when I'm in public places, I peruse the sea of people, and point out men in my mind. I look at them and decide which ones I'd fuck and which ones I wouldn't fuck. I know this might sound odd and a bit vulgar perhaps....but I know I'm not the only person that thinks this way!! I KNOW I'M NOT! Here's the worse part. When I go to "holy" places it's worse. I see men with their wives and I think to myself, yeah I'd do him....probably better than his wife!!! eep!! I'm going to hell!!!! I seriously need to get laid, this is so sad!!


5. I do this really horrible thing where I tend to fall for boys that look like my exes. So bad! I know! Like, Mr. Dickies, totally reminds me of an ex asshole of mine. I'm a masochist I guess? I don't know. I definitely have the same taste which is good I guess, but then I create all these ideas that the ex-look-a-like is just a better version of the real ex. When I moved to CA the first time, there was this boy I met at a social thing, and he looked exactly like my ex (the one I left when I moved to CA) so of course my wounds were still sore, I kinda stuck to that poor ex-look-a-like like a fuckin' leech...

That's all I have for now.
I know, you readers are lucky this week.. what? 3 posts in one week!! Hot damn!!!

So, If I ever miss a week, I don't want to hear any bitching or complaining! ya hear!!!!? hehe
And, forgive me if this sounds choppy or if I have typos, I'm posting this at 1am and I'm about to pass out!!!

What are some of your confessions?

night!
<3

Update!!

Hello lovely readers!

I figured I'd do a mid week update!

First off, I don't think I'll post Nostaligia 3 for next weeks post, I have something else in mind that needs to be discussed. It's something we all deal with... I hope I'll be able to do a good job writing about it.

Secondly! Alright! I've been wanting to update on Space Oddity and on Mr. High School.

I may also add some new thoughts at the end but I may have to be super discrete about them!

So!! Update on Space Oddity! Back around the beginning of August I wrote this cheesy desperate post about finding my future husband, about there being a planet full of future husbands and all that nonsense. Then! I went on to talk about 2 customers whom I am very much attracted to... and then I set up a silly goal for myself to ask a boy out... what was I thinking?!

I didn't ask a boy out, I guess I'm too much of a pussy to do that. Well, 1. I'm scared to do the courting.. I don't know how to do that! and 2. I realize that maybe I am too scared to start a relationship, maybe I am not as ready as I thought I was....hmm, something to think about. I'm rushing rushing rushing to find my future husband and yet, I just, hmm, am not ready. As much as I miss being with someone and as lonely as I feel at times, I guess now is not the time. Who knows when the time really will come. But! What we do have to remember, ladies and gentlemen, is that we must must must live in the present. I keep on forgetting about that. Live in the now! So, I'm trying to take my time... trying not to rush rush rush... and just walk through this life, and enjoy it!

Okay! There's that! Now!! an Update on Mr.Dickies, he was also mentioned in the Space Oddity post. So!!! Thank the universe for girlfriends! I tell you! If it weren't for them I dunno how anyone would get by in this world! :)

My bestie and I went to Mr. Dickies place of work (this was her idea) to.. you know... wait, I actually don't know... I can't say to "put the moves on" but to I guess stir things up a bit? See what happens? How Mr. Dickies will react?!?! Did he react? That he did! :) Not a major reaction, but the little things do help :) All he did was say "Hey, I guess I should just call you for the change order and you can drop it by after work from now on" and I giggled and that was it... I honestly have no recollection of what I replied with. I seriously become a little girl most of the time, when I'm around a boy I really really like. This primarily happens when I really like a boy and really don't know much about him. So then I tend to create this awesome idea of him and it goes down hill from there :) Then he served us our cheese platter and told us about each cheese (3 lil slices of cheese for $15...crazaaay!) and that was it! Oh! and guess what! He didn't do the whole "long blink" thing! high five!!!

So that was that... I hadn't seen him for about a week or so... Then! Well! Let me sidetrack a bit! Lately I've been trying to be a bit more girlie and more comfortable with being girlie, so on Fridays at work it's sort of a "wear whatever you want but you have to have green or purple" day so I decided to dress up cutesie girlie, I put on make-up too! WOA!!!! I know!!!!

On this super cute Friday I got to help him for his change order and what happened?!?!! He said "You look really pretty!" and I said "Thanks" I probably blushed too! Then he said "Not that you don't look pretty on other days, but you look extra extra extra pretty today!" and I said "Thanks" again, of course accompanied with some giggling!! UGH!!! I'M 27 YEARS OLD AND I STILL FUCKIN GIGGLE!!! GRRR!!! Makes me feel like a 5th grader. It was really sweet, I should've asked him out right then and there... but did I? Nope!!

So that's my Mr. Dickies update! ...sigh...

On to Mr. High School... you know what... I really don't want to waste my time writing about this OR your time reading about him... let's just say looks can be deceiving and while he looked like a wise man and we had adult conversations alas he is still in High School... NEXT!!!!

It's funny because after my Deactivation post... after deactivating that stupid OKcupid account it seemed that boys were being handed to me on a silver platter! First it was Mr. High School contacting me again ( achoo::bullshit::ooooo!) , then it was Mr. Dickies telling me I looked pretty :) and then! a freakin' curve ball thrown at me from I have no idea where!!

Here is the discrete section of this post!!

So, how do I go about talking about this boy!! I've known him for a couple of years, we have great chemistry, we can joke around and just have a great time! I do not even know if I should be writing about this, but fuck it! So, he told me he liked me! Which I never thought I would hear him say! At one point I had a little crush on him but shit...we can't be ruining friendships with crushes... I think, ladies and gentlemen (yes I used it again), we all know where that ends up, if it ends :) So, I stopped myself from feeling those things. And, well, SHIT! Now I'm just fucking confused! So, that is all I have to say. I guess there is no way of being discrete about this... anyone can read this...

But I find myself thinking about it often! I need to wash my brain or something. I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair! haha! I'm not that obsessed about it that I sing a song about it, but it came to mind! I just never thought I'd be his type... anyways... lets wash up!


I guess that's that all!

Check out next weeks post!! It should be a good one!

Gonna go hop in the shower now ;)

Nostalgia Part 2

So, where did I leave off???

I left off with Brad... that was the summer before my freshman year of high school!

Hot Damn!!

High School

It was weird, a lot of guys seemed to be into me that summer and beginning of freshman year. Well, that's what it seemed like, who knows what was reality back then.

I started high school, it was fun, met a lot of new people blah blah blah.... then I met who I thought would be my future husband #2! Alan Morris! He was in maybe 2 of my classes that year...???... I don't remember. But he definitely was friends with some of the immature "cool dudes" which of course made him one of them.

One day in class he asked me out... I think? Or was it a friend of his? And I wasn't sure if it was a joke or not... you know what.. I think this calls for a consultation with my diary...

Excerpt from my Diary:

10-15-1997 Wed.

Hey Hey Hey! Sup!? N/M here. OOOO Me soo incredibly happy!! Alan asked me out on friday, last friday. Here's how it happened. It was english class, I walk in, sit down, a few min later Alan walks in and he sits down... then he blurts out "Neomie will you go out with me?" But he didn't sound that serious, so I said yes without a serious tone of voice. We took a test, after we all took it he asked me again saying that he was serious, so i said yes again. Then he said "you really hurt my feelings 'cause you're not serious" but I told him I was. Then at the end of the period, Pat comes up to me and asks "you goin out with Morris?" So I was like "yeah, yes I'll go out with him" then pat's like "why aren't you sounding serious?" But I totally was. So then we all left English not knowing what the hell was goin' on.
So Friday night I went over Erica's (Suzanne was there too.) I asked Suzanne to call him and see what's up, she told him that I was serious, he said that he was too. Then she asked if he wanted to talk to me, but he was busy and he said he'd call me back, which he never did but oh well!

So.... we were, dating I guess... haha! Oh, I ended that entry with this " I'm soo happy I'm going out with him... hopefully it'll be a long and healthy relationship! If not I'll die! Well I'm getting tired and sleepy! Nighty Night!" haha oh man! how the mind of a 14 year old works.... oy!

Normally I was myself around him but once it was official that we were dating I shyed up super fuckin' fast! I'm trying to think what our first "date" was or even if we had one.. I honestly just remember this one time I went on a "date" with him and his best friend that lived down the street from me, James. All three of us went to the movies, and we walked back to Alan's house after the movie... it must've been a 30-40min walk and believe me when I tell you this, I was silent the whole entire time.

I know, hard to believe :) haha

It was a fucked up "relationship" if you even want to call it that.... I don't even remember our first kiss.... well it might've been that time on new years, I'm going to have to consult with my diary again :) It turns out that my first kiss with Alan was on Halloween! haha! Reading these diary entries is hilarious! I haven't read them since writing them back in 97! I love how in my entries I get excited over the littlest things Alan did... like walking from the movie theater to see me, holding my hand or even thinking that passing the 1 month mark was the longest relationship I had ever been in... my how age changes the definition of relationships....

Anyways, so I was with Alan for a total of 3 months. He was the first boy who I got super sexual with, and it was on New Years. My best friend at the time lived down the street from Alan, she invited me, a few of our friends, and him and his friend over for New Years. Her parents were out so naturally we did what teens do best, we raided their liquor cabinet :)

After 2 cups of rum and coke I was pretty wasted. So we all went down to Erica's basement to watch TV, we still had like an hour to wait until the ball drops. In Erica's basement there was this little room, nothing was in it but it was a nice little carpeted room with a door.... Alan led me into this room.

Imagine it! This last hour of the year 1997 was an hour where I experienced so many new things...sexually ;) It was the first time I saw a penis, first time I went down on a guy, first time a guy went down on me. Shit I guess after all of that it must've been hard for me to come up with a good new years resolution ;)

Of course he tried to talk me into having sex, but I wasn't drunk enough to say yes... hahaha! No, no, no.... I knew better! Super drunk or not, I didn't want to loose my virginity in my friends basement to this dude.. even though at the time I thought he was the love of my life.

Then, of course, soon after I was dumped.....via his friend, James...on-line....I was stupidly obsessed with Alan for at least a year after.... but don't you worry! It didn't stop me from hooking up with people :) This only led to my second revenge hookup.... :) 000!!

Yup, that's right! In case you haven't caught onto my patterns, I hooked up with James! Alan's BFF! hehehe! We were gonna try and do a sort of "lets just get it on" relationship... but I hooked up with him just once and I wasn't into him enough to go further... and plus! When we hooked up, we were standing and he was like rocking his body while hooking up.... it was weird.. a "humping the air" motion if you will :)

Man, I was a crazy gal back in the day! After reading through my old diary there is so much shit I forgot I did! Maybe instead of getting into it all, I'll just list things and briefly describe them in my next post Nostalgia Part 3!!!!

until then..

take care!