So.....
Yeah, I think I had 2 weeks of being emotionally "special".... and now I realize that I just need to take a chill pill, sit back, relax and let whatever happen happen....
That was my mentality to begin with then I got wrapped up in emotions which is just no fun at all... because really, I have no time to be emo right now.... maybe more so strength as opposed to time. Time is relative as they say.
In any case, I'm back to taking a step back and relaxing and enjoying the ride, the view, what have you... sometimes I just get too excited about things and want to know it all ... I want the answers right now, will this work, will this not work... what is in store for my future, for our future, do we have a future?? Questions, questions, questions flooding my head!!!!!! Hence where the chill pill needs to come into play. It's okay to not know everything.... that's what life is all about... taking it all one step at a time, seeing what comes your way, what falls in your lap and going from there.
I feel like I'm doing a juggling act right now.. trying to manage my work life, my school life, my family life, and my personal life. It's tough... so why make it harder than it already is?
I have friends who can provide me with the support that I need, I have Mr. High School that can provide me the comfort that I need... granted, it's not all the time, but that's okay. I need to learn that that's okay. Last week I wrote about how I want someone right here, right now, I want to be held every night and feel secure. But it is important to feel secure on my own too. I can't be a whiny little bitch and kick and scream every moment life doesn't go my way.
It's all about being/feeling secure on my own. That's what being a single gal is all about... right? Finding and grabbing a hold of that strength and running with it... conquering anything and learning each step of the way. If at first you don't succeed dust yourself off and try again.
So, here I am dusting myself off after that little bump of emotional "specialness," standing strong and trying to plow through whatever comes my way. I have to learn that I don't need a man to help me along the way. While I would love to have one to hold onto, it's not something I need, and it's not something I should expect right away from a man as well. There go my expectations butting themselves into my personal business... bitches and hoes!!!!!!
Anyways, I hope this made sense...
sending everyone love, health, and happiness
<3
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
The Bachelorette
Now, I'm not saying that what goes down on The Bachelorette is the best option out there... but there is something I like about it... and what I do like about it is that they get down to the nitty gritty right away. Everyone on the show has one thing in common, that they want to find their future husband/wife, they're tired of being alone and are ready to commit.. so now what's left for them to do is see if they click, if they have the same image of their futures in sync, and if they have the same values.
Why can't we be like that? Why can't on a first date with someone in real life we can just be like "this is what I want, this is what I'm looking for, these are my intentions with you" and BASTA! You know where you each stand. Why does it seem like its this big test, this fucking game.. no not game... just a test where you have to tap into your non-existent ESP powers and read the other persons mind so, like i said in last weeks post, as a woman, I wont get stamped Emotional and if a dude has these concerns he wont get stamped weak. Why do these labels have to exist... why does any of this running around have to exist!?
That, my dear readers, is one thing I envy of the bachelorette. I want to know where you stand, what your intentions are what your dreams are for the future... what kind of love you're looking for, what kind of life you want to live... what are your dreams.... granted this season some dude did a great job getting on there and tricking the fuck out of the chick.... while that sucks that all of america sees this... it speaks the truth to what goes on in the dating world today.
Because things are way too casual, doors can open left and right and no one really has a say in it until "the conversation" happens. Until "the conversation," it's fair play. By "the conversation" I mean the conversation that is typically brought upon by the female... wondering what the status is of the relationship... wanting more security and having a sense of the begining of starting a relationship culture with another individual. People and relationships just need to be more direct and honest... that's all I'm saying.
I feel like I may be cursed. Maybe it's because I stole my first real boyfriend (of 3 yrs) from my best friend when we were 19. Maybe it's because I broke his heart (he broke mine too). But I feel like I may be cures and will be a bachelorette for some time. Lately I feel like dudes just don't want to emotionally commit.... but then again, I'm just assuming.
Here's the thing people... right now I've got a lot going on in my life... and I really hate spending my free time questioning relationships and not knowing the label (as much as I hate them.). This is what I want/need right now... I just really want someone to take care of me, because right now I can honestly say that I can't even take care of myself. And yes, I get and understand the whole, if you can't take care of you u cant take care of anyone else, or if you can't love you you cant love others.... but I think a part of loving me is allowing to be vulnerable and have someone take care of me.... anyways I went on a tangent... this is what I want, I want someone to take care of me, I want someone here, I want simplicity. I want to cuddle with someone every night.. every night... because I want to feel safe and I need to feel secure. I'm a caretaker.... a guilty one at that.... if I can't help you I guilt trip right away. I want the kind of unconditional love I give others to be given to me.
Although, at this point in my life... I just feel I will forever be a bachelorette. I'm probably just being a negative nancy.... but I just want some sense of simplicity and peace of mind and love right now.
the end
<3
Why can't we be like that? Why can't on a first date with someone in real life we can just be like "this is what I want, this is what I'm looking for, these are my intentions with you" and BASTA! You know where you each stand. Why does it seem like its this big test, this fucking game.. no not game... just a test where you have to tap into your non-existent ESP powers and read the other persons mind so, like i said in last weeks post, as a woman, I wont get stamped Emotional and if a dude has these concerns he wont get stamped weak. Why do these labels have to exist... why does any of this running around have to exist!?
That, my dear readers, is one thing I envy of the bachelorette. I want to know where you stand, what your intentions are what your dreams are for the future... what kind of love you're looking for, what kind of life you want to live... what are your dreams.... granted this season some dude did a great job getting on there and tricking the fuck out of the chick.... while that sucks that all of america sees this... it speaks the truth to what goes on in the dating world today.
Because things are way too casual, doors can open left and right and no one really has a say in it until "the conversation" happens. Until "the conversation," it's fair play. By "the conversation" I mean the conversation that is typically brought upon by the female... wondering what the status is of the relationship... wanting more security and having a sense of the begining of starting a relationship culture with another individual. People and relationships just need to be more direct and honest... that's all I'm saying.
I feel like I may be cursed. Maybe it's because I stole my first real boyfriend (of 3 yrs) from my best friend when we were 19. Maybe it's because I broke his heart (he broke mine too). But I feel like I may be cures and will be a bachelorette for some time. Lately I feel like dudes just don't want to emotionally commit.... but then again, I'm just assuming.
Here's the thing people... right now I've got a lot going on in my life... and I really hate spending my free time questioning relationships and not knowing the label (as much as I hate them.). This is what I want/need right now... I just really want someone to take care of me, because right now I can honestly say that I can't even take care of myself. And yes, I get and understand the whole, if you can't take care of you u cant take care of anyone else, or if you can't love you you cant love others.... but I think a part of loving me is allowing to be vulnerable and have someone take care of me.... anyways I went on a tangent... this is what I want, I want someone to take care of me, I want someone here, I want simplicity. I want to cuddle with someone every night.. every night... because I want to feel safe and I need to feel secure. I'm a caretaker.... a guilty one at that.... if I can't help you I guilt trip right away. I want the kind of unconditional love I give others to be given to me.
Although, at this point in my life... I just feel I will forever be a bachelorette. I'm probably just being a negative nancy.... but I just want some sense of simplicity and peace of mind and love right now.
the end
<3
Monday, June 13, 2011
Shut it off!!!
Seriously!
I wish I could just stop my thinking...
seriously...
I know I touched on this 2 posts ago, about me and my emotional "specialness," but you know, it's not even emotional "specialness" it's quite simply that I care.
Women get stamped "EMOTIONAL" and men get stamped "EMOTIONLESS." Fine, women are emotional, we are more emotional than men, can it complicate things? Yes. But really, truly, in the end, we sort it out and figure it out... slowly but surely... it might take us going through a few failed relationships and fights and bs to learn a thing or two about the way a man works... and same for men, I'm sure it takes failed relationships and all that stuff too to learn how a woman works. I should also mention that men aren't emotionless, they have emotions too they just show it (or not show it) in different ways.
All in all... I don't think EITHER of us have it easy. Through my failed relationships, and learned lessons and talks with boys that are friends I think I'm close to getting a good grasp on the mind of a male. Now, I think there are many different types of males and ways they work, but in the end is there ONE word to describe them?
In this relationship that I'm in.. I don't know what to call it though, is it a relationshipless relationship? There have obviously been times when I let my emotions determine what I communicate, then a second, or hour, later the light bulb turns on and I'm like "...oohhh!!! I get it!!!!!!!" Why can't I just get it before I open my mouth ... errr let my thumbs do the texting! I need to stop thinking about things!
Anyways, back to different types of males.... actually.. all men are the same, some just talk and distract you, while others play it cool and just do their thing. So... I do know that mens' actions are their words... their actions speak for how they feel. I just happen to forget about that little but VERY IMPORTANT fact. oh gosh... I'm confusing myself.. because while mens' actions speak for how they feel ... I guess I should say that some of their actions speak for how they feel.
Example: Mr. High School comes over a lot and spends the night on weeknights and has to leave my place at 530am to get to work on time. He's sacrificing a lot to do that... he's sacrificing a good nights sleep to be in top form for his job and it's important for him to be alert, but it's not only his job that needs his body and mind to be in top form, he needs it too. So I get he sacrifices a lot to spend time with me and I appreciate it so much. But of course today I freaked out a bit in my head when he asked to put a stop on sleep overs until my school ends (which is in like 3 weeks.. or maybe 2? I don't remember), then we can have Friday nights together. I asked if we were okay, and he said we were... AND WE ARE!!!!!! After I asked him that I realized that, whatever, I took it personally and I let my insane head do all this running around for no reason. If only I could put a stop to it. So this is a prime example of his actions showing how he feels.... and of how I can be emotionally special...
Men are simple, bottom line... they eat, drink, piss, shit, sleep, do things for us and love us. Women are simple in a complicated way we love too much, we care too much, we over analyze too much.... and we eat, drink, piss, shit and sleep too. (I'd like to take this moment and remind men how important it is to remember that we piss and shit too :) ).
I was talking to a friend of mine and we were talking about the difference between men and women and I accepted the fact that we are emotional.. not emotional... yes emotional but I just feel that it has such a negative connotation!... we are caring :) He was saying that bottom line is that men really only think with their cocks... which is interesting because that's a thought I held on to for the longest time... which made it hard for me to really trust what came out of a boys mouth... and with this relationshipless relationship I'm getting rid of that mentality... maybe it'll kick me in the butt later on maybe it wont... I gotta learn to give every guy a fair chance..... until they screw me over and then I say to myself "see I was right, he only thought with his cock."
I must say though, while I get that mens' actions speak their feelings, it's nice to hear how they feel sometimes. Just to support that what we think their actions are saying are right.. if that makes sense... or is that me being too much in my head again? hahaha .... anyways!! Actions=Feelings!!! Actions= Feelings!!! All together now!!! Actions=Feelings!!
Is any of this making sense?!?! How can something so simple, like 2 human beings joining together, turn into something complicated.... I guess it just doesn't have to be... and I guess that's where I need to draw the line....... it's just so hard not to think!
...thoughts?
:)
<3
I wish I could just stop my thinking...
seriously...
I know I touched on this 2 posts ago, about me and my emotional "specialness," but you know, it's not even emotional "specialness" it's quite simply that I care.
Women get stamped "EMOTIONAL" and men get stamped "EMOTIONLESS." Fine, women are emotional, we are more emotional than men, can it complicate things? Yes. But really, truly, in the end, we sort it out and figure it out... slowly but surely... it might take us going through a few failed relationships and fights and bs to learn a thing or two about the way a man works... and same for men, I'm sure it takes failed relationships and all that stuff too to learn how a woman works. I should also mention that men aren't emotionless, they have emotions too they just show it (or not show it) in different ways.
All in all... I don't think EITHER of us have it easy. Through my failed relationships, and learned lessons and talks with boys that are friends I think I'm close to getting a good grasp on the mind of a male. Now, I think there are many different types of males and ways they work, but in the end is there ONE word to describe them?
In this relationship that I'm in.. I don't know what to call it though, is it a relationshipless relationship? There have obviously been times when I let my emotions determine what I communicate, then a second, or hour, later the light bulb turns on and I'm like "...oohhh!!! I get it!!!!!!!" Why can't I just get it before I open my mouth ... errr let my thumbs do the texting! I need to stop thinking about things!
Anyways, back to different types of males.... actually.. all men are the same, some just talk and distract you, while others play it cool and just do their thing. So... I do know that mens' actions are their words... their actions speak for how they feel. I just happen to forget about that little but VERY IMPORTANT fact. oh gosh... I'm confusing myself.. because while mens' actions speak for how they feel ... I guess I should say that some of their actions speak for how they feel.
Example: Mr. High School comes over a lot and spends the night on weeknights and has to leave my place at 530am to get to work on time. He's sacrificing a lot to do that... he's sacrificing a good nights sleep to be in top form for his job and it's important for him to be alert, but it's not only his job that needs his body and mind to be in top form, he needs it too. So I get he sacrifices a lot to spend time with me and I appreciate it so much. But of course today I freaked out a bit in my head when he asked to put a stop on sleep overs until my school ends (which is in like 3 weeks.. or maybe 2? I don't remember), then we can have Friday nights together. I asked if we were okay, and he said we were... AND WE ARE!!!!!! After I asked him that I realized that, whatever, I took it personally and I let my insane head do all this running around for no reason. If only I could put a stop to it. So this is a prime example of his actions showing how he feels.... and of how I can be emotionally special...
Men are simple, bottom line... they eat, drink, piss, shit, sleep, do things for us and love us. Women are simple in a complicated way we love too much, we care too much, we over analyze too much.... and we eat, drink, piss, shit and sleep too. (I'd like to take this moment and remind men how important it is to remember that we piss and shit too :) ).
I was talking to a friend of mine and we were talking about the difference between men and women and I accepted the fact that we are emotional.. not emotional... yes emotional but I just feel that it has such a negative connotation!... we are caring :) He was saying that bottom line is that men really only think with their cocks... which is interesting because that's a thought I held on to for the longest time... which made it hard for me to really trust what came out of a boys mouth... and with this relationshipless relationship I'm getting rid of that mentality... maybe it'll kick me in the butt later on maybe it wont... I gotta learn to give every guy a fair chance..... until they screw me over and then I say to myself "see I was right, he only thought with his cock."
I must say though, while I get that mens' actions speak their feelings, it's nice to hear how they feel sometimes. Just to support that what we think their actions are saying are right.. if that makes sense... or is that me being too much in my head again? hahaha .... anyways!! Actions=Feelings!!! Actions= Feelings!!! All together now!!! Actions=Feelings!!
Is any of this making sense?!?! How can something so simple, like 2 human beings joining together, turn into something complicated.... I guess it just doesn't have to be... and I guess that's where I need to draw the line....... it's just so hard not to think!
...thoughts?
:)
<3
Sunday, June 5, 2011
I'm in Love!!!!!!!
Yes!!
You read correctly!!!
This Single Sally is in L-O-V-E looooooveee!!!!!
With life :)
haha
Today, at this very moment I am completely content with life :) I love love love having Sundays off!! Why is that you ask? Well... a number of things!!! Let's start with the first thing!
1. So, a while ago, about a month ago, I was reading someones blog, I forget who's it was, so I apologize for not giving a proper shout out, but this person kept track and listed all the things that made her smile that month... so I decided to take on the challenge, I was worried I'd forget but since I kept my list at work it was always right there waiting for me to write something down :) So, here are my smiles for the month of may :)
1st Watching Fringe on my "couch"
2nd Booty talkin with Mr. High School
3rd Last meeting with my therapist... sweet and sour
4th Helping Deaf customers
5th Pasta Machine!!!!!!!
6th Dinner with the bestie!
7th Cream of spinach soup I made at school
8th Joking around at work, saying I have an adopted son named Semaj
9th Mr. High School over for dinner :)
10th Decorating my kitchen
11th Talking about Semaj (look at 8th)
12th Sourdough bread!
13th Pesto dinner with the brother
14th Dinner with Mr. High School
15th My brothers College Graduation!!!
16th 2nd day of Graduation and Mr. High School
17th The Good Wife with the gals :)
18th Mr. High Schools Breakfast for dinner :)
19th Making an awesome Knot roll in bread class
20th Good chat with the brother
21st The clouds
22nd Dinner with Mr. High School and the last minute apple dessert I made :)
23rd Apple Butter with my NY friend!!! <3
24th Opening shift at work!
25th Mr. High School
26th Delicious Honey Wheat bread made at school
27th Honey Wheat bread with Apple butter for breakfast!!!
28th Relatives in town!
29th Bought my Ice Cream Machine!!!!!!
30th Made sourdough starter, painted my dresser, Mr. High Schools brunch
31st I DIDN'T WRITE ANYTHING!!!!!!!
I don't get why I didn't write anything for the 31st... I'm trying to think back on that day.... can't remember doing anything aside from working....
Anyways! I had a great month!!!! It's been the best month I've had in a while!!! woot! I'm going to try and keep this a ritual let's see if I can do this month too! So, thats one thing that makes me love life right now!! All those smiles that not only make me smile on those days but everyday! Cheesy, I know!
2. Today!! I have off!!! which makes me soo happy! I haven't had a sunday off to myself in .... about a month.. yep.. a fuckin' month.... work sucks :) But!!! on this fine Sunday I went to the Italian Market!!!! I truly do feel like the Superwoman I tried to tap into the last time I went to the Italian Market (click on the link to check out that post). I am superwoman hear me roar!!! At first I wasn't going to go cuz I just wanted to stay in and in bed all day!!! Then I got excited over the fact of buying cheese, and basil, and tomatoes and roasted red peppers and delicious porscuito that I couldn't stay in bed!!!!! So!! I did just that, I hopped up, threw something on and headed out!
The fruit/veggie stand guy hit on me asking me if I was making pasta for my husband and I was like "no, I'm making brunch for myself!" haha I was like a lame happy go lucky gal telling everyone I was making brunch for myself! haha The dude kept on asking me about my husband and I finally said I don't have one and he said "oh, plenty of men here :)" hahahaha silly boy! But! I got a good bunch of basil, tomatoes and oranges from him for 5bux!
Then I want to Claudio, they've got a great selection of cheeses and such, I just got a ball of mozzerella, roasted red peppers, and porscuito from him. There I was chatting it up with an older man, he was a sweet guy. At first I was just gonna get cheese and peppers but i decided to indulge and get the meat too... I deserve it!!!! It's okay to spoil myself once in a while!!! He gave me some good tips on how to handle and store my mozzerella.
Then, on my walk home... I live 2 blocks away from a bakery that supposedly has the best cannolis in town! So I debated, should i get one, should I not??? Today is a day to indulge! And!! That I did!!! I bought a small cannoli for $3.25!! haha And! I asked if they do internships there so I got a number to call on Tuesday! woot!
Here is a picture of the components of my brunch and the finished product :)
Brunch was truly amazing this morning!! Then I made freshly squeezed OJ to top it off!!! mm mm!! and! I just ate the cannoli!!! It really is so important to do things that make you happy. Little things make me so happy, like this lovely brunch.
Seriously, time for some cheesieness, but it really goes back to the whole idea of being able to love yourself, make yourself happy before you can do that for anyone else. Save yourself before you attempt to save others. I also love how life can be such a great educator!! Learn from your experiences so that you can better carry yourself in the now and in the future.
So, anyways, while I was prepping my brunch and what not I had some rockin brazilian music on, so I'm going to go ahead and share one of my faves!!
Sigh!!! this is a long long post!!!! But it's an exciting one!!!
Oh! As a quick update to last weeks post, things ended up going really well! We had a nice, text convo, and it really comforted me. That's all I'll say!!
For now, I've got dishes to do!!!! Have a lovely week ya'll!!!!
love love love love love!!!!!
<3
You read correctly!!!
This Single Sally is in L-O-V-E looooooveee!!!!!
With life :)
haha
Today, at this very moment I am completely content with life :) I love love love having Sundays off!! Why is that you ask? Well... a number of things!!! Let's start with the first thing!
1. So, a while ago, about a month ago, I was reading someones blog, I forget who's it was, so I apologize for not giving a proper shout out, but this person kept track and listed all the things that made her smile that month... so I decided to take on the challenge, I was worried I'd forget but since I kept my list at work it was always right there waiting for me to write something down :) So, here are my smiles for the month of may :)
1st Watching Fringe on my "couch"
2nd Booty talkin with Mr. High School
3rd Last meeting with my therapist... sweet and sour
4th Helping Deaf customers
5th Pasta Machine!!!!!!!
6th Dinner with the bestie!
7th Cream of spinach soup I made at school
8th Joking around at work, saying I have an adopted son named Semaj
9th Mr. High School over for dinner :)
10th Decorating my kitchen
11th Talking about Semaj (look at 8th)
12th Sourdough bread!
13th Pesto dinner with the brother
14th Dinner with Mr. High School
15th My brothers College Graduation!!!
16th 2nd day of Graduation and Mr. High School
17th The Good Wife with the gals :)
18th Mr. High Schools Breakfast for dinner :)
19th Making an awesome Knot roll in bread class
20th Good chat with the brother
21st The clouds
22nd Dinner with Mr. High School and the last minute apple dessert I made :)
23rd Apple Butter with my NY friend!!! <3
24th Opening shift at work!
25th Mr. High School
26th Delicious Honey Wheat bread made at school
27th Honey Wheat bread with Apple butter for breakfast!!!
28th Relatives in town!
29th Bought my Ice Cream Machine!!!!!!
30th Made sourdough starter, painted my dresser, Mr. High Schools brunch
31st I DIDN'T WRITE ANYTHING!!!!!!!
I don't get why I didn't write anything for the 31st... I'm trying to think back on that day.... can't remember doing anything aside from working....
Anyways! I had a great month!!!! It's been the best month I've had in a while!!! woot! I'm going to try and keep this a ritual let's see if I can do this month too! So, thats one thing that makes me love life right now!! All those smiles that not only make me smile on those days but everyday! Cheesy, I know!
2. Today!! I have off!!! which makes me soo happy! I haven't had a sunday off to myself in .... about a month.. yep.. a fuckin' month.... work sucks :) But!!! on this fine Sunday I went to the Italian Market!!!! I truly do feel like the Superwoman I tried to tap into the last time I went to the Italian Market (click on the link to check out that post). I am superwoman hear me roar!!! At first I wasn't going to go cuz I just wanted to stay in and in bed all day!!! Then I got excited over the fact of buying cheese, and basil, and tomatoes and roasted red peppers and delicious porscuito that I couldn't stay in bed!!!!! So!! I did just that, I hopped up, threw something on and headed out!
The fruit/veggie stand guy hit on me asking me if I was making pasta for my husband and I was like "no, I'm making brunch for myself!" haha I was like a lame happy go lucky gal telling everyone I was making brunch for myself! haha The dude kept on asking me about my husband and I finally said I don't have one and he said "oh, plenty of men here :)" hahahaha silly boy! But! I got a good bunch of basil, tomatoes and oranges from him for 5bux!
Then I want to Claudio, they've got a great selection of cheeses and such, I just got a ball of mozzerella, roasted red peppers, and porscuito from him. There I was chatting it up with an older man, he was a sweet guy. At first I was just gonna get cheese and peppers but i decided to indulge and get the meat too... I deserve it!!!! It's okay to spoil myself once in a while!!! He gave me some good tips on how to handle and store my mozzerella.
Then, on my walk home... I live 2 blocks away from a bakery that supposedly has the best cannolis in town! So I debated, should i get one, should I not??? Today is a day to indulge! And!! That I did!!! I bought a small cannoli for $3.25!! haha And! I asked if they do internships there so I got a number to call on Tuesday! woot!
Here is a picture of the components of my brunch and the finished product :)
Brunch was truly amazing this morning!! Then I made freshly squeezed OJ to top it off!!! mm mm!! and! I just ate the cannoli!!! It really is so important to do things that make you happy. Little things make me so happy, like this lovely brunch.
Seriously, time for some cheesieness, but it really goes back to the whole idea of being able to love yourself, make yourself happy before you can do that for anyone else. Save yourself before you attempt to save others. I also love how life can be such a great educator!! Learn from your experiences so that you can better carry yourself in the now and in the future.
So, anyways, while I was prepping my brunch and what not I had some rockin brazilian music on, so I'm going to go ahead and share one of my faves!!
Sigh!!! this is a long long post!!!! But it's an exciting one!!!
Oh! As a quick update to last weeks post, things ended up going really well! We had a nice, text convo, and it really comforted me. That's all I'll say!!
For now, I've got dishes to do!!!! Have a lovely week ya'll!!!!
love love love love love!!!!!
<3
Monday, May 30, 2011
Ms. CrazyFace
I had a different blog started but today is different than yesterday and I've got all of these thoughts and feelings floating around inside of me so I might as well write it out! By the way, Ms. CrazyFace.... that's me :)
I think we've all established that I love love, I have a new found love-hate relationship with crushing and that I'm trying so hard to be a realistic grounded person in every and all relationships I enter from this point forward.
It's like what Nicole commented on my previous post she put it beautifully:
I think we've all established that I love love, I have a new found love-hate relationship with crushing and that I'm trying so hard to be a realistic grounded person in every and all relationships I enter from this point forward.
It's like what Nicole commented on my previous post she put it beautifully:
relationships are hard on a female emotionally because we have to sort through all of the "warm and fuzzy" feelings of starting something new with someone and get down to the real solid feelings that will make or break a relationship. And then we have to deal with having deep feelings for someone, and they might not be on that level yet. So then we have to hold it in and not say anything so we don't seem like we're trying to "rush" things. All of the confusion and the stress of holding back is torture sometimes.
It's funny because my cousin said something to me this weekend, he looked at me and said "Don't you seriously believe that women are more complicated than men? Men are so much simpler" Now, I'm not going to get into it because on some levels men are simpler than women but then there are those emotionally fucked up men out there that are worse than 1000 emotional women... maybe even more!!!
But, to some extent, women are more emotionally invested in things... it's not to say that we are complicated, I just think that we tend to adhere to emotional thoughts about a person quicker than men do.... correct me if I'm wrong men. Once again, it really depends, male..female... whatever we are all different but there is a, I guess you could say, greater occurrence of men sharing a certain quality and women sharing one as well. Anyways, I think I'm going off topic.
I'd like to think that I was doing, I guess I could say, a good job, maybe 90%, trying to keep grounded and realistic about Mr. High School. Then BAM! Today came and slapped me clear across the face... I lost control of myself and definitely didn't do a good job holding my emotions in.
Here's the thing, I feel that with Mr. High School I have definitely let my guard down way sooner, maybe not my guard, but I've been doing things differently... I've been going with the flow and just enjoying my time spent with him and not rushing my emotions and feelings... but yeah today I failed. And it's not to say that its necessarily a bad thing, who knows... who cares because if it is, then it is what it is, if it isn't, then, high five.
I greatly enjoyed my time spent with Mr. High School last night and today... I guess I had expectations, which definitely fucked me over. We were out late walking the city which was really nice, I really enjoyed it.. then we finally got to sleep in!!! Something we've never been able to do considering he leaves for work so early when he stays over. Then he made us a delicious brunch! He tried to help me fix my TV and then he left shortly after.... and.. well.. I didn't get a good grasp of my emotions... I totally slipped up and failed! I didn't fail. But well.. I seriously felt that we didn't kiss enough... go ahead and laugh at me, but I love kissing him. I had also thought we were going to spend the day together. Ya wanna know why?!?!! BECAUSE I WASN'T BEING REALISTIC!!! It's okay to dream, by all means people, dream away. But seriously, he had shit to do, I had shit to do so fine, he left early. But! I just felt that it was abrupt hahaha.. takes me back to our first date. haha. So, I stupidly text him saying he seemed distant. Which I did feel, but I think it was all me... I mean, it definitely was all me and in my head because I'm stupidly going gaga over him now and my head just isn't working right.
So... he texts me saying he's fine and why I thought that. Then I made the mistake, or not mistake, of telling him I'm falling for him and to disregard my previous text because my head is being silly...
UGH!
WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF??
Just when I think I can take a handle of my emotions and finally be in control, I do this.
So, I haven't heard from him, which is to be expected.... I'm kind of on edge but I mostly don't mind that he didn't text me back, he deserves the time to collect his thoughts in giving me a response... which is to say that I deserve it too? I think me thinking that, is a big step for me because I probably would've text him again and said something stupid to counteract the outburst of emotion or I would be freaking out right now... which I guess is what this post is coming across as.....
I'm not freaking out about the lack of response from him... I'm freaking out at my stupidity and not just giving myself a simple cooling period before jumping to conclusions in my head :)
Nicole put it perfectly... it's torture.....
<3
Monday, May 23, 2011
All Mixed Up
I am reminded of 311.... oh the 90's!
So, I'm feeling a bit pressured, not quite sure how to write this post. There are many things I want to touch on so lets try and see how this goes. I'm all mixed up on several levels. I'm also a little worried as to how to go about writing it all out. I don't want to offend anyone or make a big deal out of anything that really isn't a big deal... if that makes sense??
1. I guess ya'll kinda know that I'm sorta seeing this guy...Mr. High School. I haven't really talked too much about him other than his to die for arms and my lack of expectations. Things have surprisingly been going well between him and I. I think we've really surprised each other. Remember that post about lists I wrote, and I listed things I wanted in a man and in a relationship? Then I wrote another post about how I've ditched the whole list because it's limiting and it doesn't really matter who it is I fall in love with, it doesn't matter who I marry, whether a dude fits my list or not. What matters is he's a good guy, and we communicate well and there's compromise and the relationship is built on a solid foundation... but basically what matters is that he's good and we make each other happy. I'm not, by any means, saying I'm going to marry Mr. High School or that I'm in love with him... I am in TOTAL like with him though.
Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that he doesn't fit the list of things I want in a guy... well... I shouldn't say he doesn't because what mixes me up is that he actually sort of does in some ways, but in ways that aren't what I originally thought. But I seriously just looked back at that Lists post and he really does fit it all... which is interesting because I wasn't even paying attention to the list at all until now. Something that I wrote on the list that he fits in differently than what I had in mind was the whole cultured one. He is completely cultured in a totally different way that I had in mind and I love it, because I love learning things about him...there is still soo soo much to learn!
Conclusion to that is, well, I guess I haven't ditched my list.... I just keep it on the back burner :)
2. Interracial relationships. Mr. High School is of a different race than me, which I obviously have no problem with. Can I just say how much I've always loved interracial couples... they are soo fuckin beautiful. I just love my lame ass white skin up against Mr. High Schools smooth dark skin... it just turns me on. He's beautiful. Another thing about interracial couples... their babies are the most beautiful... just sayin'... not saying Mr. High School and I are going to have babies.. it's just something I've taken note of.
3. While I wrote about in the last post that I lack expectations in this relationship... while I still do... today I caught myself digging myself into a crazy-over-Mr.-High-School hole! It was really bad... and it reminded my of my classmate telling me and another classmate how she doesn't like dating and she pretty much hates the feeling of liking someone. I was like "what!! but crushes are soo great!!!!!" because I'm always pro-love and like and wonderful feelings that lead to kissing and hugging :) But! I seriously found myself hating this feeling!! I got into this crazy dream land unrealistic hole filled with blue skies, rainbows and unicorns then this dark stormy cloud came over head... the dark cloud is basically filled with all these thoughts and feelings of ... not inadequacy... but thats the word that comes to mind... inadequacy backed up by the failure of past relationships.... silly... I know! Then I found myself spiriling down... does this happen to you?!?!!?! Whoever is out there reading this!?! The cloud of Lack of Confidence comes and sweeps the blue skies away. So, in short, I'm not sure I'm liking this liking thing.....I had a bit of a frustrating day so I mean the dark cloud today was definitely a mix of other things as well... but then guess what... Mr. High School called me because he knew I wasn't doin well... now... aint that sweet....
back to la la land I go!
Shit.
help me!
<3
So, I'm feeling a bit pressured, not quite sure how to write this post. There are many things I want to touch on so lets try and see how this goes. I'm all mixed up on several levels. I'm also a little worried as to how to go about writing it all out. I don't want to offend anyone or make a big deal out of anything that really isn't a big deal... if that makes sense??
1. I guess ya'll kinda know that I'm sorta seeing this guy...Mr. High School. I haven't really talked too much about him other than his to die for arms and my lack of expectations. Things have surprisingly been going well between him and I. I think we've really surprised each other. Remember that post about lists I wrote, and I listed things I wanted in a man and in a relationship? Then I wrote another post about how I've ditched the whole list because it's limiting and it doesn't really matter who it is I fall in love with, it doesn't matter who I marry, whether a dude fits my list or not. What matters is he's a good guy, and we communicate well and there's compromise and the relationship is built on a solid foundation... but basically what matters is that he's good and we make each other happy. I'm not, by any means, saying I'm going to marry Mr. High School or that I'm in love with him... I am in TOTAL like with him though.
Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that he doesn't fit the list of things I want in a guy... well... I shouldn't say he doesn't because what mixes me up is that he actually sort of does in some ways, but in ways that aren't what I originally thought. But I seriously just looked back at that Lists post and he really does fit it all... which is interesting because I wasn't even paying attention to the list at all until now. Something that I wrote on the list that he fits in differently than what I had in mind was the whole cultured one. He is completely cultured in a totally different way that I had in mind and I love it, because I love learning things about him...there is still soo soo much to learn!
Conclusion to that is, well, I guess I haven't ditched my list.... I just keep it on the back burner :)
2. Interracial relationships. Mr. High School is of a different race than me, which I obviously have no problem with. Can I just say how much I've always loved interracial couples... they are soo fuckin beautiful. I just love my lame ass white skin up against Mr. High Schools smooth dark skin... it just turns me on. He's beautiful. Another thing about interracial couples... their babies are the most beautiful... just sayin'... not saying Mr. High School and I are going to have babies.. it's just something I've taken note of.
3. While I wrote about in the last post that I lack expectations in this relationship... while I still do... today I caught myself digging myself into a crazy-over-Mr.-High-School hole! It was really bad... and it reminded my of my classmate telling me and another classmate how she doesn't like dating and she pretty much hates the feeling of liking someone. I was like "what!! but crushes are soo great!!!!!" because I'm always pro-love and like and wonderful feelings that lead to kissing and hugging :) But! I seriously found myself hating this feeling!! I got into this crazy dream land unrealistic hole filled with blue skies, rainbows and unicorns then this dark stormy cloud came over head... the dark cloud is basically filled with all these thoughts and feelings of ... not inadequacy... but thats the word that comes to mind... inadequacy backed up by the failure of past relationships.... silly... I know! Then I found myself spiriling down... does this happen to you?!?!!?! Whoever is out there reading this!?! The cloud of Lack of Confidence comes and sweeps the blue skies away. So, in short, I'm not sure I'm liking this liking thing.....I had a bit of a frustrating day so I mean the dark cloud today was definitely a mix of other things as well... but then guess what... Mr. High School called me because he knew I wasn't doin well... now... aint that sweet....
back to la la land I go!
Shit.
help me!
<3
Monday, May 16, 2011
Foundations
Sorry about the lack of post last week... man, I've been having too many of those recently, haven't I?
Life has seriously been busy!!!
So crazy!!!
During my undergrad I was always so envious of busy people, thinking that busy people had purposes in life because they always had someplace to be and something important to do, they were needed. While I enjoyed my free time, I definitely took it for granted! Here I am so super busy that when I finally have free time to do laundry, I decide to hop into bed and relax instead :)
I think it may be better to need yourself than to be needed. I mean its good to be needed, don't get me wrong, you get a sense of fulfillment and a sense of purpose, a sense of helping others. But! When being needed overpowers needing yourself, you start to loose what's most important...you.
Which brings me to the topic of this weeks post. Foundations. Last week was my last session with my therapist because her time with the organization had come to an end. While I was a bit worried about not continuing with another therapist, I also thought that it'd be good to challenge myself and try and take the tools I've learned, and try to depend on me to move forward.
A while back I think I mentioned how when I started to see my therapist I was seeking building stability and a foundation... well she definitely gave me the tools and together we got all the lumber and supplies ready and now the torch has been passed on to me to take control of my life and to start putting that foundation together. I think I've got a pretty solid frame now.
My last session with my therapist put things into perspective for me. I do have to fight for myself, I do have to need myself. So, since then I've been feeling a bit more solid, like I've got something solid to stand on, and this seeped into every aspect of my life. I feel that I do walk a little taller now.
This kind of brings me to the subject about this boy that I'm seeing. In my last post I wrote about my lack of expectations. The fact that I lack expectations, I think, allows me to be more real and realistic in this situation. This guy is totally different than any other dude I've been before, and this relationship/friendship/whatever has allowed me to be a different person as well... it's allowed me to be more me. Maybe it's the guy, maybe it's the relationship, or maybe it's just me with my new pair of glasses looking at it all with my eyes and no one elses.
I'm not sure this is making sense at all or if this post is even worth reading. But, I guess I feel the need to announce that with a year of therapy I think I'm finally believing in me bit by bit, and I think I'm finally standing taller, inch by inch. If I cant, who will, right?
Hopefully I'll have some juicy goodness for you next week!!! While I make this blog public and post links up every week on fb, I don't mind who reads it.... but when it comes to my mother :) I love her dearly, but she likes to ask a lot of questions... so I'm going to try and not post links up on fb and try and ween her off of my blog :) hahaha
But, for now, things are good with the boy :) We'll leave it at that.
<3
Life has seriously been busy!!!
So crazy!!!
During my undergrad I was always so envious of busy people, thinking that busy people had purposes in life because they always had someplace to be and something important to do, they were needed. While I enjoyed my free time, I definitely took it for granted! Here I am so super busy that when I finally have free time to do laundry, I decide to hop into bed and relax instead :)
I think it may be better to need yourself than to be needed. I mean its good to be needed, don't get me wrong, you get a sense of fulfillment and a sense of purpose, a sense of helping others. But! When being needed overpowers needing yourself, you start to loose what's most important...you.
Which brings me to the topic of this weeks post. Foundations. Last week was my last session with my therapist because her time with the organization had come to an end. While I was a bit worried about not continuing with another therapist, I also thought that it'd be good to challenge myself and try and take the tools I've learned, and try to depend on me to move forward.
A while back I think I mentioned how when I started to see my therapist I was seeking building stability and a foundation... well she definitely gave me the tools and together we got all the lumber and supplies ready and now the torch has been passed on to me to take control of my life and to start putting that foundation together. I think I've got a pretty solid frame now.
My last session with my therapist put things into perspective for me. I do have to fight for myself, I do have to need myself. So, since then I've been feeling a bit more solid, like I've got something solid to stand on, and this seeped into every aspect of my life. I feel that I do walk a little taller now.
This kind of brings me to the subject about this boy that I'm seeing. In my last post I wrote about my lack of expectations. The fact that I lack expectations, I think, allows me to be more real and realistic in this situation. This guy is totally different than any other dude I've been before, and this relationship/friendship/whatever has allowed me to be a different person as well... it's allowed me to be more me. Maybe it's the guy, maybe it's the relationship, or maybe it's just me with my new pair of glasses looking at it all with my eyes and no one elses.
I'm not sure this is making sense at all or if this post is even worth reading. But, I guess I feel the need to announce that with a year of therapy I think I'm finally believing in me bit by bit, and I think I'm finally standing taller, inch by inch. If I cant, who will, right?
Hopefully I'll have some juicy goodness for you next week!!! While I make this blog public and post links up every week on fb, I don't mind who reads it.... but when it comes to my mother :) I love her dearly, but she likes to ask a lot of questions... so I'm going to try and not post links up on fb and try and ween her off of my blog :) hahaha
But, for now, things are good with the boy :) We'll leave it at that.
<3
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