eeep!

I've been a slacker and I have no good excuse!!

Maybe it's echoing me slacking and not coming to terms with certain things going on in the romantic life. haha....

Anyways! I have some ideas of blog posts... but! I'm leaving for New Foundland today!! I do plan on writing a post while I'm gone so maybe I'll post something while I'm away, and maybe I'll wait until I get back.


In any case, I apologize for the lack of posts and new stuff and I hope to write here soon!

<3

The Talk

So!

I finally... FINALLY... finally found my balls and was able to have  "the talk" with Mr. High School....it wasn't one of those "official" talks it was "the talk" that I've been needing to have to give me some kind of clarity in this whole situation... gosh, I was super nervous.... first off, yes, the past 2 weeks I've been freaking out.. life has been a bit rough lately and it's affected a lot of me.... but! with that being said I also think that I had sound judgments and concerns with Mr. High School and I.

If only you could hear my inner dialogue through the whole fucking evening. My co-workers thought I was insane, but my friends thought I was normal :) .... or so I think haha

This is how it went down....

The whole week I made 2 rules for myself
1. Don't initiate a thing!!!!!!
2. Don't be all cutesy blah blah blah excited via text

Ultimately both rules meant that HE had to come looking for ME... yes I know... I'm playing the fucking game!!! The fuckin' cursed game! But! A woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.. right? sigh.... right.
I
So!! I felt like I was in control of the situation I "didn't care," I didn't initiate I was on top of the world!!! Finally he initiated a hang out! I played it cool I was like "yeah, sure, if you wanna" hahaha oh I crack myself up.. anyways the night he was supposed to come over he had to cancel because he worked late but he came over the next day.

So he comes over, when he was around the corner I was just leaving my house ... I needed to buy some deodorant, gotta keep them pits fresh!! So he walked with me.. I was still playing it all cool rico suave like... or so I thought.. gosh I'm lame. He suggests we order pizza, I say sure. We get to the pharmacy I go on my hunt for nice smelling deodorant should I get the floral scent, the fresh rain scent, clean laundry... damn! they didn't have my peaches scent!!! Floral it is! I meet up with him, deodorant in hand and him with juice in his. We walk up to the register and I'm thinking "I'm going to buy my deodorant and be a bad ass and not offer to buy him his juice.. yeah! be strong...... you want me to pay for that? I can pay for it....... dammit" My tough girl act can only last so long. I fell weak to this mm mm mm man!

While we walk back to my place he calls and orders the pizza... by this time the ice queen facade wore off and I was just excited to be spending time with him. We get back to my place and in my head I'm thinking "okay girl, you gotta do this, you gotta talk to him... is now a good time? because we are waiting for the pizza, but then when the pizza comes we'll get interrupted and what if it turns out bad what happens then? he eats and leaves?!?!" So, we talk about bears around his work place and the pizza comes.

Finally!! I think to myself, the pizza has arrived we can sit and eat. I offer to eat in the living room, he offers we watch a movie... movie it is!!! A good movie at that!! Shutter Island!! love that movie!!! So, I'm thinking to myself, " we are going to watch a movie, then it's going to be too late to talk, and he'll be tired and will wanna sleep because he's gotta get up early tomorrow, god dammit what do i do! I need to have the talk with him!!!"

The movie is over! so good!!! And we cuddle for  a bit, then we get up to go to bed and he's telling me how he feels like a zombie and I'm thinking "poor guy" and "when am I going to bring it up!!!! AAHH!!!"

We get ready for bed, hop into bed, turn off the lights, and my head is racing so I let out a big sigh... hahaha oy!! He tells me to turn over so he can massage my back!! woohoo!!! A nice relaxing massage! THIS should definitely help! While he's massaging me I'm thinking, "do I bring it up now?? but massages are supposed to be nice and relaxing I shouldn't." So I get all fidgety while he's massaging me and my thoughts are going in circles like this and he thinks he' s hurting me and I tell him "oh, I don't know why I'm feeling so restless" I'm so freakin lame!!!!!

The massage is done. Phew! I ask him if he wants one and he says no. Then its quiet for like a min or so and finally I'm like "fuck it!! this has got to go down tonight!!!!" So I say "Mr. High School (of course I called him by his real name), I have a question." While I say that he's scratching his arm and lets out this "uhhh/ohhh" kind of noise, it was an annoyed sounding noise ... haha he apologized and made sure I didn't think that noise had to do with my question, he politely said "what's your question"

I said... "what are your intentions? what were your intentions when this all began?" ... and.. well.. we kind of took it off from there!

Let me tell you! I felt really good about this conversation!! We talked about a lot of good things .. and we laughed too! Basically it comes down to this, we are just seeing each other, no bf/gf stuff and I take it that we are exclusive, he's not seeing anyone else and neither am I. He mentioned some baggage, which is totally understandable because who doesn't have baggage...shit! If he only knew the baggage I lugged around with me, hot damn! No one is perfect! And! get this!!! He was just playing along with my tough girl act!!!! He was like "yeah, I figured I'd let you do your thing" and I was like "what!!! I totally thought I had you!! I totally thought I had full control!!!! The fuckin game!!!!!!" he was playing it too!!

hahaha!!

But really, the convo went so well and he's so great and easy to talk to, he's so understanding. The conversation we had that night was by far the best I've had with him. We got to a deeper level than normal and we were open and cuddly and laughing and vulnerable. I thought it was a great conversation. Normally in my past serious relationships I've been in, the dudes would either not acknowledge my feelings or would turn it around and make shit look like it was my fault. Hence, why its hard for me to communicate my thoughts and feelings when he comes to expressing them to boys.

But anyways, I can't compare and contrast and say who does what better. Each person is different. Each ex is different and he's different too. We are our own people. It's hard not to bring the past into the now because we learn from experiences and use them as basis on how to handle the next similar thing. It's easy to forget that every situation and every person is different.


I guess we'll just see where the future takes this, us, him, me. I just gotta sit back and just enjoy this relationshipless relationship. Gotta make sure I don't fall off the bandwagon because right now I'm feelin' good!

I guess that's that for now!! I got a blog award that I think, if I remember, I'll share later on in the week!!

Thanks for reading my insanity :)

<3

Let go

So, a lot on my mind.  Last week I had a lot on my mind too and I couldn't quite put it all into words so I put up songs that echoed my thoughts and feelings. I'm going to do a bit of the same deal this post but I'll write more.

First song, I've been obsessed with Adele lately, and specifically this song:




So, things with Mr. High School seem to be going the way things with Mr. Hands did. Again I feel like I'm investing too much of myself into something where I'm not really getting much in return. It was really nice in the beginning of course, don't get me wrong, but then there comes a point where I always get too emotionally invested and expect the same from the other person. Expectations always seem to get in the way. But what was it I said in a post a while ago? It's not that I have high expectations, it's just that I'm not being liked/loved the way I need to be.

Yesterday I did spend the day moping about and being pissed, frustrated, angry, sad about many things in life. While there are promising aspects of my life, everything that I could see yesterday were only the things that were crumbling before my eyes. Sometimes the answers are just in front of you, and sometimes they're not.

Earlier this week, too, I expressed my frustration to my friend about our high school cohort. This year, so many of my high school cohorts have gotten engaged, married, a new born. This is the "typical" age when people reach the beginning of the next stage. I see facebook statuses everyday with something about my fiance this my husband that my baby blah blah blah. Most of those people I'm not really friends with so in a fit of rage and bitterness I deleted them all :)  I realized, after, that it was really childish of me. I'm not saying I'm not happy for them, I am. I'm just a bit...haha... jealous. THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!! I gotta let it go.. let it go let it go.  Let go of it so I can move forward, forward on my own path.

Let go of the past of the what if's and the maybes and could haves and blah blah blah. Because really that's just what it is... "sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead".... unfortunately for me it hasn't lasted yet :) hahahaha


Now for the second song, also by Adele:




RAWR!!! I'm feelin' a bit better today, had a nice brunch with the bestie this morning, that started my day out well :) Then I got home and watched a  couple episodes of a TV show I really feel mimics my life and is sort of an Aesop's Fables for me... with each ending of an episode there's always a moral to be told.  I watched 3 episodes and felt completely motivated to bake and listen to music and dance. This song, Rolling in the Deep, came on first and the deep bass beat just resonated and vibrated in my body and I just felt it and felt so empowered! So I'm owning all of this that I think and feel and I'm letting go of it all... well all that concerns Mr. High School, I should say.

Cause guess what all, I'm a catch! I really am!! Sometimes it's hard for me to truly believe that and feel that, but I really am. If Mr. High School or Mr. Joe Shmo can't see that or appreciate it or fight for it then fuck them all. I deserve just as much devotion, love, commitment, romance as the next person does. And fine, if I have to wait another 5-10 years fuck it I'll have to suck it up and wait. (please universe, please don't make me wait that long....hehe...) but seriously. I'd rather wait 10 yrs and be with my soul mate (cheesy, but they exist), than fall for an idiot and settle and be unhappy for the rest of my life.

C'mon soul mate!!!! Bring it on!! Bring it on!!!! I'm ready for you!!!!! Go Team Soul Mate!!!! RAH RAH RAH! But, if you need to take your time, I understand....sigh..... I guess.

So, that's where I'm at.

<3

Soundtrack to my life

I don't have much to write about.... although there is a lot going on in my head! hahaha.. but I just keep running in circles so I'm going to keep this post simple and sweet..... a few songs that kinda put where I'm at.  This is in no particular order....

1. Super Bass - Nicki Minaj




2. Lean on Me - Bill Withers



3.  Sway - Bic Runga




4. Fix You - Cold Play





5. Almost Lover - Fine Frenzy





the end....


for now

<3