Mr. Cupcake Connection Revisited

Remember way back in March this story popped up Mr. Cupcake Connection? Who would think there would be a sequel to this love (?) story! Since that's happened Mr. Cupcake has still come in to deposit checks by himself or with his twin brother.. yes... did I mention last post he has a twin brother? Well, he does.

Anyways, Mr. Cupcake really is a sweet cute dude but yes, I turned him down because of his age. It's a shame, and I know I shouldn't base things on age but I'm not sure I'm comfortable being that much older than a dude. Age really is just a number, right?! ugh.....

So, there I was sitting at my kitchen table, surfing the web. I decided to check out what was going on on Craigslist for jobs.... sofas... and... missed connections! hehehe Whenever I go on Missed Connections I always put my banks name in the search engine... I see so many customers in the day, that really is my primary means (right now) for meeting potential husbands... even though it really is a limited bunch (i think i mentioned it in Mr. Cupcake Connection post it's either hot young art students or my age and older pretentious business men.). I search my bank and BAM!!! Clear as day.. even clearer than before... MY WHOLE NAME!!!! my namee!!! My name was the subject line to the post " My Name at My Bank in Center City." SHOCKED!!!!! I click it... I read it... it says this:

"You work as a teller at BANK in center city on BLANK street. Your name is MY NAME you always are my bank teller. I would love to take you out sometime. You always make my day when I see you."

Hot Damn!! Could this be it! Could this be the one?!?!!?! Naturally, I reply.  I say this:

hey, 

so... waaah!? hehe Seeing my name up there was WOA!

Anyways, what's your name? Or better yet describe yourself! I'd like to try and see if I know you before you tell me who you are! Also, what type of transactions do you do?... hahaha... let's have fun with this!

Take Care

He replies telling me that he goes in to deposit his pay check and that he comes in with his twin once in a while..... twin... did you catch that? he comes in with his twin. Now, I'm even more in shock and possibly entirely confused. Could this be the twin of Mr. Cupcake?? That would be too coincidental and can I say... INSANE?! I reply back to him asking him if his brother was Mr. Cupcake... sure enough it was. I mean, I've heard of twins being in sync and all this other bizarre stuff... but what are the chances of both of them fuckin' putting up Craigslist missed connection adds and both being into me like that's just bizarre!?

Confused I reply with this: 

 

Hey
so, a few things!

1. I appreciate your kind words. You're a super handsome fella :) (he said I was gorgeous)
2. I know your brother because he did the same thing. So......
3. Part of me is confused by this because i don't know if its coincidental or if ya'll are playin me haha


hope you're having a good day...??..eep...aside from this lil confusion....

 

 Anyways, let me cut to the chase.... we exchanged numbers.... and we've been texting back and forth... I dunno what compelled me to give this one (we'll call him Mr. Gym .. he works at a gym and is all about fitness and blah blah... which is someplace I am not), a chance as opposed to Mr. Cupcake. They're both the same freakin' age! And!! On top of it, I probably have more in common with Mr. Cupcake given that he works at the cupcake place and I love to bake and eat and Mr. Gym works at a gym and works out everyday and I'm a lazy ass!!!! I guess there's just something different about Mr. Gym..... I told Mr. Gym that I don't want to rush into anything and that I'm not sure I'm looking for a romantic relationship. Which surprised me when I text that because while I want love in my life, I feel like I'm not ready for it.... well there's that and... there's.....this..

I keep thinking about Mr. High School and I need to just stop thinking about him. Remember the last time I really conversed with him I tried to get him back and I like gave him my soul and I got no response so I was hurt and then told him not to text me for a while. Well... that was a little over a month ago.... Last week I kinda broke down and text him to say hey... I wanted to tell him I still think about him, but from the vibe that I got from him via text it seemed that he didn't really want anything to do with me (then again this is an assumption I'm getting... via freakin' text where nothing is ever clear). In any case, I'm sure  he has no feelings for me. In fact, I think I might've hurt him, I dunno, I wanted to apologize and blah blah.. but I feel like I really need to let it all go. I dunno why he's got such a hold on me. 

In conclusion, I just need to tell Mr. Gym that the age thing isn't for me, I can't get over the age difference. There's the age and there's also a part of me that feels guilty about not giving his brother a chance too.  I also need to really let go of Mr. High School. We have our 10yr high school reunion coming up, and part of me wants to go just so I can see him... but I don't think that's a smart move. 

Okay! the end! that's it!!!! It's insane how in sync twins really can be.

Happy Sunday! Have a great rest of the week!

 

 

<3

Mr. Asshole

Okay... where do I begin this 10  yr saga!!! OY!

So, I don't know if you remember, but back in the day the internet and meeting people online was a booming thing. If i look back at some of my diaries from like middle school I write about boys I met online and how i had crushes on them and blah blah blah. I would meet them in lame chatrooms. Well, when I was on AOL I would search for people that had the same interests as me.... one of them was Sublime. I met Mr. Asshole on the internet because he liked Sublime. He was 2 years younger than me.

Mr. Asshole was/still is a depressed wreck. I mean maybe he's happier now that he's an "adult" I don't know, but with me he always made out his life to be some horrible depressing worthless thing. I fell for this. I'm pretty sure that I'm the type of girls that goes for broken guys so I can help fix them. Well I don't only go for them, I've had some semi-broken and all together guys. Not that there's anything wrong with either kind. I'm just miss fix-it and always wanna help dudes out and heal up their hearts because everyone deserves love and a happy existence!! (okay ill stop with the cheese)

Anyways, our romance started via chatting online. We share the same birthday and I thought it was a sure sign we were meant to be.... actually i didn't believe him at first because anyone can lie about their birthday!!! (Don't worry, I don't do that). I wrote about him and our first kiss Peck and then later on in a Closure post as well. So, if you've been reading, I guess you know how my mind works, I fall fast and create lovely fantasies. I thought he was "the one," I remember imagining our kids running around with heads full of crazy curly hair. When I met Mr. Asshole on the internet it was I guess my Junior or Senior year of high school?

Then I went away to college and the college I went to was much closer to him than where I grew up. So we met for the 2nd time (the first time i wrote about in the Peck post). He came to visit me and it was a wonderful time. He visited me twice and I visited him once. If you remember my post about Mr. First Love, both of these timelines coincide. Like I said before, Mr. Asshole was a depressed boy, and he would just sabotage anything good, so it was hard to be with him when we weren't hanging out. I couldn't handle it anymore and Mr. F.L. was a stable dude and my feelings were growing stronger for him. So I ended it with Mr. Asshole and dated Mr. F.L for 3.5 yrs.

Damn, this is a really long story.... so we kept in touch still over the years. He moved to CA for culinary school and I was on the east coast, then moved to southern CA when he was in WA, he found new loves, i found new loves blah blah but we would still keep in touch. Anyways, he moved back to the east coast about 3 yrs ago? The same time I did from CA. 

This time is when he got the approved stamp of Mr. Asshole. I let him be an ass to me for a while and just took it as his depression and blah blah.. but this was overboard! So, about 3 yrs ago I moved back from LA and we were excited to be on the same coast and closer finally. So, he came to visit me first. I showed him around the city and he was way more open and excited since the last time I saw him which was probably 5 prior. DAMN! Then I went and visited him in NYC and we walked around and cooked a delish dinner. I can't remember if he came to visit me a second time or not?? I don't think so... then, once, mid week, he asked me to come over and spend the night a random spur of the moment thing. I had the day off the next day so I figured "why not?" I guess he thought I'd say no but I said yes.

I took the Chinatown bus out of philly at 9pm? Got to NYC at 11pm and I remember making a mental note of the last and final bus leaving NYC at 1130 just in case things got fucked. On the bus ride up he said he was gonna meet up with me at the station in NYC, perfect! So, I get there at 11pm, and he's nowhere in sight.... so in the back of my head I knew it was gonna be bad but I still gave it all the benefit of the doubt (something I need to stop doing). I walked to a McDonalds near by cuz they were open 24hrs. I was sitting there and you can imagine the type of people that were there at that time of night.

I waited I think a half hour before I finally got a reply from him, after profusely trying to get in touch with him of course. He said he forgot he promised he'd hang with his coworker at a bar near his work and if I could meet him at his work. He worked at Whole Foods, the one close to ground zero. So, mind you its like close to midnight and I don't have a great idea of where I'm going. I hop on the train and get off the stop that he told me to... from gettin out I had no idea where I was heading so I kind of walked in circles and stopped a few people, the few that there were at this time of night, and asked directions.

I finally found myself in front of Whole Foods. I call/text him for the next 10-15 min, because he of course wasn't there. Finally I get a hold of him and he tells me to meet him at the bar, and its just down the street. Finding the bar was the easiest thing all night. So, I get to the bar and find him and his female coworker already wasted. He kisses and hugs me and tells me how much he loves me. He then gets me several shots. I start to get wasted. I remember his arm was bandaged up and he was telling me and the coworker that I made him do that, which was confusing. Yet he still told me how much he loved me. Then at one point he dared me and the coworker to hook up. I said no because I already felt some weird vibes going on. So then she kissed him and they were hard core making out in front of me.

I was pissed...naturally. Here in front of me is a guy who I dreamed living a life with, I dreamed up our kids. Here he was hooking up with this bitch while telling me he loved me.

They stop kissing and he goes back to getting wasted. Then... THEN!!!! He gets up to go to the bathroom. Now, the bathrooms in this bar wasn't like a ladies room and a mens room with several stalls. It was one person bathrooms. He goes, and she said she had to go too.... so I watch him go into one and her follow him. Theyre there for several minutes and I'm there shocked sitting at the bar alone. It was already 1 or 2 at this time and I remember looking out the window across the street and thinking about just staying at the hotel there. They finally get back and he tells me he loves me. I moved away from him and sat at a table by myself because I needed to regroup.. I was wasted and I needed to regroup. I called a friend in CA to get some advice.. I dont remember much of that convo. Then he followed me to the booth and told me how much he loved me and that he was sorry.

Gosh, my heart is beating so fast reliving this evening.... I told him to shut up and that I didn't believe him. The bar closes and we leave. She of course is coming over to sleep over too. We hop on the train on the way to brooklyn. Midway I have to pee soooo bad!!! We stop at union sq and pee at a convenient store. Then we decide to just take a cab home. On the way home he's sitting next to me telling me how much he loved me. While the girl is like trying to mack it with him.

We get to his place, his card doesnt work because I think he maxed it out at the bar? And the girl was passed out... so I had to pay for the cab ride! woot. We get up to his place and he tells me to sleep in his room and he was gonna set up the couch for the chick. I told him they should take the bed and I'm fine with the couch. He refused so fine, I took the bed.

I passed out and woke up at like 8. I had to piss like a racehorse at this point. So, I got up to go pee. Now, in order to get to the bathroom, when exiting his room you walked right into the living room and you had to walk between the couch and coffee table to get to the bathroom. I open the door, and there I see them ... him on top of her, getting it on, on the couch. I walk pass them. I pee. I walk by them again, at this point they're pretending to be asleep...hahaha. I get my shit together. Realize my sneakers are somewhere in the living room. I go in the living room, she's in the bathroom and he's pretend passed out on the couch. I walk out of the apt shaking in shock with everything that went on. I put my sneakers on. I go to the corner store and ask directions to the nearest train stop. Once I get to Chinatown I got a text from him asking why I left, and that I was no fun. I think i text him to fuck off and I called him and left him a voice message telling him he's worthless and blah blah blah

I didn't hear from him until last year, which was a year later. Apologizing for what happened and realizing what he lost and telling me that when he meditates all he sees is me. Of course I'd eat that shit up, and of course I'd reconsider giving him a bajillionth chance.  We talked for like a month or 2 but he still was an ass full of nothing lacking any kind of substance.

Yet, to this day, when life gets rough I want to contact him and cry on his shoulder. This past year was so tough, and there were so many times I just wanted to contact him to either seek comfort or to yell at. It's insane how I can still bear feelings for someone so disrespectful, so hurtful, and thoughtless.

Of course I wish him well.

Anyways... sigh.... that's Mr. Asshole. Ruined my dreams, broke my heart, and probably changed me in great ways and increased my lack of trust.... something I need to work on.

<3

---------------------------
After posting this I was doing some thinking in the shower and realized I needed to add a few things to this already long ass post :) Looking back on this night is just something I laugh about cuz it was just something so completely ridiculous. I also learned a few things too well still learning a few big things that should come out of this:

1. It's okay if your dreams do not come true. I know we are taught to fight for what we believe in and for our dreams. But I think it's important to realize that there are some dreams that arent worth fighting for when it comes to the expense of your self love and integrity.
2. I've written about this plenty 'o time... stop having crazy expectations. Now, I realize that the expectation to be treated as a human being isn't one I shouldn't expect... I unfortunately expected it from a person that didn't know what that was. It's important to have high expectations for yourself, but it's also important to keep these high expectations realistic and grounded. 
3. Relationships end for a reason. No need to create ideas in your head that they're the one. Life isn't a RomCom or a tragic romance love story. No need to rehash it and try it again and again and again. It's only going to cause you and your partner more unnecessary heartache. 
4. I feel like there was something else but maybe it'll come to me another time :)

So that's that. I think thats the for real end of this post.
live long and prosper... hahaha

<3

confused

ugh

i am so utterly confused about love and everything

i feel like i suck at this love thing

my head is being pulled in 2 different directions and both directions are oblivious to this struggle

and i question my thoughts and feelings, are they real or are they fantasy?

i feel like things were simpler back in the day.... remember in high school when u crushed on sum1 and they crushed on u and u went to the movies and kissed and that was it?

like my last post... sex does destroy innocence and sincerity... i mean it doesn't entirely but its just a whole different ball game.

anyways, i dunno...

maybe i blind myself to the reality of love because I want it so bad. If only I could read peoples minds.... if only I could see the future... gah this is lame...

my friend was telling me I should take more risks... i feel like i have taken risks... but i guess i need to continue taking them.... and i know i always bitch but why cant someone take a risk for me?

I sometimes think/feel I might be going crazy to want something like this so bad. To want love, to want commitment, to want marriage, to want a partner in life.

I create fantasies and ideas and ideals and I have to force myself to get back on the ground and be realistic. Why do I have to dream unrealistic things. Why is it I dream that certain boys are "the one" when they're not. Why do I always feel this strong sense of "he's the one."  I'm blinding myself.

I am seriously love sick.... I'm sick of love, love is seriously driving me crazy and I really do worry myself sometimes. This is too much, it can be too overwhelming... someone call me a doctor, I need some kinda anti-love potion.

I just reactivated my okcupid account on a whim and I was looking at some of these guys and all I could think was "they're not him." But who the fuck knows if HE is it? I was on there for not more than 2 min.. maybe even a minute... and i felt sick to my stomach.

Anyways, this is just my mid-week crisis.  I'll recover soon enough......

On a lighter note!!!!

cant wait to get to writing about Mr. Asshole!! It's a wonderfully entertaining story to tell..... hahahaha!

love love love

<3

p.s. I know I was gonna try and stop the bitching and complaining, but  I just had to throw this one out there. :)

Makin whoopee!

Taking a mini break from writing posts on past loves :) This weeks blog post was brought on from watching The Bachelor Pad.....

So, I'm a sucker for anything The Bachelor/Bachelorette related. It's a guilty pleasure :) I've been watching The Bachelor Pad, and while it frustrates the shit out of me, I still watch it. (The frustration is due to the fact that Vienna and Kasey are still on it!! UGH!) Anyways!!! In last weeks episode they had a competition called The Nearlywed Game and it was just like the Newlywed game so you get the idea... One question came up "How many dates before your partner makes whoopee?" Then hearing the answers, whether they were true or not, was a shocker to me.

For some reason, at some point in time, maybe 5 years ago or so, I subconsciously made the decision, a rule, that I'd have to go on 3 days and then making whoopee was acceptable. After watching this weeks episode it was a true eye opener! Some said like 7 some said 30. Then I asked the girls at work and they too were leaning definitely towards more than 3 dates! I was like "damn!! am I that easy?" When in reality, maybe I just don't give myself enough credit!

Fine, with some people and some relationships it just happens when it happens.. on the first, second third whatever date and there are no rules and regulations. For the most part, with the ppl that I know that gave it up on the first date it was mostly because it was with the love of their lives... but then you have the other side of the spectrum the one night stands and blah blah blah... but one night stands are a totally different topic so scratch that.

Anyways, I thought about it, and was thinking that maybe if I did add more dates before making whoopee, maybe my relationships would have more meaning. Maybe I wouldn't run into an issue like I did with the most recent dude I was with. While sex is AMAZING it can also be destructive. There are times I wish Mr. High School and I were still hanging out but sex kinda ruined it all. I'd honestly be willing to hold off on sex for like a whole year to be able to have a meaningful relationship where the connection was enough... well that and make out sessions :) hehe

This whole thing was like a huge epiphany! I need to give myself more meaning and the other person more meaning and the relationship more meaning too. I need to respect myself more. Because ya know what guys and gals... what I'm about to say may be super personal and blah blah but whatever it is what it is...I think the reason why I put out so early on is because I feel like that is the only way I can keep a guy. It's sad but true. We are surrounded by sex all over and this idea that like it's all that dudes want, and in reality I know it's not, but it's what I grew up knowing. So, why would it be odd that I would think that that's the only way I can keep a dude.

Anyways, that's my confession, and with that confession I'm making a rule that I'm going to wait longer. I'm not saying how long, but I need to believe I'm worth the wait.

In every aspect of my life I need to learn to trust and believe in myself. This is one way I can do that.

Well, that's that... next week I hope to write about Mr. Asshole :) The second "love of my life" ugh... vomit.... hahaha

Until next time, have a wonderful week!!!!

<3

Reassessment

Okay, I feel like I've lost track of what my purpose of this blog is.. if there even is a solid purpose. It started out as a way to have fun and document relationship mishaps and wonders as a single lady. Thinking about it I think I've done a whole lot of complaining and whining.... it annoys me, so it MUST annoy you.

I was thinking, how about a start at the beginning?

I know I posted two blogs Nostalgia Part 1 and Part 2, kind of sketching up an idea of what my "love life" was like from my very first kiss and on into high school. That stuff sort of shaped me in a small way, maybe in a bigger way too, who knows. So, I'm going to try and go back in time and look at the relationships I had as an adult?? No one is really an adult after high school... late teens early twenties until now. And hopefully I can find some morals to those stories. I mean, I know I've learned a lot looking back at old relationships especially the one I had with my very first love.

The Story of Mr. First Love

I knew him in high school, we never really hung out or talked, we were in different circles but we had a mutual close friend (I'll name her Em). I didn't start hanging with Em until my junior or senior year of high school. Anyways, it wasn't until after graduating high school that I actually hung out and spent time with Mr. First Love. He was going through some stuff senior year so after graduation he stepped away from his circle and started hanging with Em, me, and another friend of ours (I'll call her Joy). That summer was an awesome summer! All four of us hung out a lot or some times it'd be em, joy and Mr. First love, or me, joy and Mr. F.L. It was fun! Then I went away to college up in NY but me and Mr. F.L. were still very much in touch. The fun times turned a bit sour... a love triangle formed, or what have you. Joy wanted Mr. F.L., and so did I. I guess Mr. F.L.  and me had a stronger connection? I don't know how to put it nicely because it was a really hard thing  and I still feel guilty about it.. it broke up a strong friendship I had with Joy,  and I know it's all about chicks before dicks, but I thought he was the one. (As an aside Joy and I recently started to re-kindle our friendship :) )

So, winter of '01- '02 was when things really started off with Mr. F.L. and I. I shared our first kiss in a past blog post his is Forgetful. Looking back he really was a romantic and he and I were really in love, since things started with the first kiss we really tried to spend as much time together as we could. Summer of '02 we took our first cross country road trip together.... it was awesome, until we got stuck in traffic somewhere in Wyoming and I basically demanded he love me. I couldn't understand why he could love his car and materialistic things but he couldn't say he loved me. White Flag on my part (I surrender to this mistake), you can't force people to love you on your terms/time.

This was a 3 year relationship so I'm gonna try and make this blog post not so long :) After my first year in college I transferred to a school back home, I was closer to my love! I lived with Em, and another friend of ours.  Those 2 years were full of love and war. It wasn't until a year or two ago that I realized that men love differently than women do. Since realizing I know that Mr. F.L. really loved me. At times back then I think I needed more love from him. But he was at my place all the time, I was at his place all the time, he got me a sewing machine one year for my birthday which is a big deal considering we were poor college student back then. He did so much for me.

I'm not saying he was mr. perfect and I was miss. bitch. Because there's a reason why we are no longer. Fine I didn't recognize or understand his language of love, but there were other things that I couldn't handle. I'm not going to get into the details but he just wouldn't listen or understand me when I spoke about my feelings. When I would share how I felt he would take the defense and made it my fault. We took another cross country road trip summer '03 that ended horribly... somewhere mid- U.S. we got into a fight that ended in him driving all the way back east and us not speaking to one another. Then Fall of '04 we went on a backpacking trip around Europe... that trip I must say was the best trip we took. We had a lot of fun when we were together, we explored the world!

Winter '05 we moved to NY together. That's when things went downhill. I was distracted with school and work and he was distracted with school and work as well. I guess we didn't have time to love one another... and I wasn't getting the love that I needed, so when some guy at work was sweet talking me I at it up. Don't start assuming I slept with him because I didn't. My life in NY was such a mess!!! So much shit happened. In short, Mr. F.L. and I weren't doing good, mr. rico suave at work kissed me then later on got arrested for robbing the place, I told Mr. F.L. of the kiss and he naturally got pissed. Then I got accepted to a school out west... it was my sunshine ticket out of the dark hole I dug myself into.

When moving out Mr. F.L. and I were still together. I wanted to do a long distance thing, he really wasn't for it. I moved to CA summer of '05. Mr. F.L. and I were still in contact, things were up in the air but I never considered us being over... and it wasn't until later that I learned he did.  That winter vacation I went back home to visit. January 2nd or 3rd I went to NY to visit Mr. F.L. and stayed there for like 2 days in our old apt. It was a bit depressing, being in that place that was once OURS. I think it was my first night there that I realized it was over between us. I don't even remember the time we spent together when I visited, it was all erased because that night we went to bed and in short I'll just say that he said another girls name.  Turns out new years eve his ex gf came to visit him... I wanted to throw up my heart. That was it. That was the end.

I hadn't seen him until a couple months later for Ems wedding and he told her brother that we were over because I moved to CA, and this I hated so much because he never took his actions into account. I know I focused on the nice things he did for me and I didn't write much about what I did for him. But I loved him hard when we were together, I made him things... like, every year of our relationship I would sew him an abnormal teddy bear, I know this isn't much but it's just one little example. I show my love through craft and kisses. I wasn't perfect either I know this. We were young and still had so much to learn. And maybe we were better friends than lovers?

Anyways I tried to make this short. In short, I think what I learned from this was that:

1. Men love differently than women  and it's important to recognize their way of loving and show your appreciation... and vice versa, men.
2. You can't force people to love you.
3. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! I think a lot of the problems we had, focused on miss-communication and NOT communicating enough and not showing empathy.

It took me a while to see these lessons. It's hard to remember to put them into practice as well. I still have trouble communicating, and it wasn't until I was with Mr. High School that I was able to appreciate the way he showed his like (I know he didn't love me haha!).  Forcing people to love you, well, everyone wants to be loved!!!!! haha In all seriousness though, I don't think I've forced anyone to love me since then.  I might've influenced my most recent serious ex I don't know if I gave him a name... I'll call him Mr. Comicon. That's a story for another time!


<3