The Marketeer

I feel like in a sense, we are all marketeers. We market ourselves so often, if not everyday at least once a week. Whether it be at work, at school, in an interview etc. we market ourselves constantly. Is it because we are surrounded by commercials and ads? Was it like this 50 yrs ago.... I think so, maybe not as intense. Anyways, what about the dating world? Self-Marketing is freaking HIGH in the dating world. Look at all the dating websites, we are sitting there fucking marketing ourselves. We create a profile and try to think of great things to say about ourselves, to sell ourselves to complete strangers (how crazy is that?!)!

I'm sure  a lot of us try to remain as true to who we are as possible, but the marketing just seeps through words, in between words, in sentences the beginning, the end, every punctuation. Anyways, so, we create these ads on these sites, we look through them and see which ones we like, ignore the ones we don't and if we're lucky enough we find a match. Once we find a match, we chat it up, and go on a date...then another date, and another, and possibly another (or maybe it stopped after the first one). 

When does marketing stop? When can I or you feel confident and comfortable enough to be real?  I don't know if I'm making my point, or any point for that matter. I feel like this is a pretty important thing to think about though. Today's society is full of knowledge, quick meaningless knowledge of who's doing what, where they're located, how they feel... words become lost and weightless. So, when you begin a relationship with someone, are they filling you in on who they are in 140 characters or less, are they just updating their status with you?

I'm not saying all dating encounters are meaningless and that everyone markets themselves, I'm sure there are real people/interactions/feelings involved. No one is perfect though. I try to be as real as possible but I honestly catch myself reading my ad and wishing it didn't sound so lame, so fake. I don't know, this whole thing confuses me, I never know which way to approach it.  Aside from the online ad, I definitely do stay true to who I am and what my feelings are when I'm seeing someone and dating them.  I like to think that the other person is too.

When I look back to dates and past boys I've been with, aside from my very first serious relationship, I feel like most of them were all marketing themselves. Maybe I shouldn't be so pessimistic, I'm sure they can say some negative shit about me too. Maybe it's because I'm so deep in this hunt this search for the perfect dude that I feel everyone but him won't be completely genuine. I must say though, times have definitely changed, when I started dating the first serious relationship dude, it was way back in 2002... Facebook didn't even exist then, so the marketing mentality,way of life, wasn't as prevalent as it is now. 

So, tell me, how can we start to stray away from this?

<3

Superwoman!!!!!!!!.....possibly...

Okay, so the post-Vday, wallow in self pity, depressed hump is over.... I think..... ::looks around::.....

Sigh...

So this week went by super fuckin' fast... probably because I really didn't have anything to look forward to, hahaha (okay self-pity part is definitely NOT over hahahaha). Throughout the week I noticed myself go through the mourning steps (mentioned in this post) but I would go through all the steps in one day, be rockin the next, then go back to going through all the steps the next day. It's quite annoying, and pretty fuckin' lame too considering I only "dated" this dude for 2 months.... and considering this is probably only one sided ( <--- me being bitter :)) (omg, I'm a fuckin mess...hahaha)

Today, Sunday, is the one day I have off to myself. I woke up early with the sun shining in my room, really nice and beautiful! This week I had been looking forward to going to the Italian Market (5 min walk from my apt!! eeee!!!) today. So, I wake up, I want to go then I get sucked into a 5 min pity party.

Here's my deal people. I'm a romantic, I'm a lame ass romantic. While I like being a strong, independent woman (or so I'd like to think), I'm a fuckin' romantic dreamer that falls weak to men and ideas and dreams I have about being with one.  I was super excited about going to the Italian Market, then the 5 min self pity party came about because of course I went on thinking how wonderful it'd be if I had my man, my non-existent man, go with me! Walking on this lovely  Sunday morning, enjoying the sites, sounds and smells the Italian Market has to offer, coming home, unpacking all the groceries and setting up a lovely Sunday Brunch. Doesn't that sound so lovely and dreamy?

Then I tried to pep talk myself into being a Superwoman!! hahaha or something to that effect. In my head I went on to calming myself down and talking frankly to myself, it went something like this:

"Listen girl, you have got to come to terms with the fact that you're single, and you could very well possibly be single for the rest of your life. You need to learn how to be okay with doing these things on your own. If you can't have a romantic, lovely Sunday morning with a non-existent man, have one with yourself! You can't stay cooped up in your apartment all the time. While you find comfort in being alone in your home, you have to learn to find comfort in going out and enjoying what the world has to offer, alone."

I think you get the gist of it all. While it took me like 10 min of pep talking and finding motivation to go, I finally did. It was nice, and I tried to be as positive as possible. I bought some yummy fruits, veggies, cheese and pots! I came home and prepared a nice little brunch for myself, tomatoes, dry ricotta cheese, and roasted peppers (I stupidly forgot to buy basil). It was a lovely looking brunch and I kept on trying to remind myself to enjoy it and love it and enjoy myself. It was nice, it was relaxing, but I didn't get that sense of self-fulfillment, the sense of empowerment... the sense of Super-single-Woman!! I guess it takes time to get there? Who knows.

Hopefully, this years new goal of mine will be fulfilled. What is it you ask? Find the sense of self-fulfillment and self-empowerment and be a Super-single-Woman!!!! Now that I have Sundays 100% completely to myself (for now??), I'm going to try and remember to go and do one thing by myself so I can slowly learn to be okay being alone. Wow, I have this sudden urge to go get myself a cat next week.... single, crazy, cat lady...here  I (be)come!


<3

A Valentine Special!

Well, hello hello Valentines Day!

So, I have a choice to be bitter and say "fuck Valentines Day" or I can lie and say "Valentines day is whatever, its a commercial holiday I don't need it." I could lie again and say "Valentines Day is great, spreading the love to everyone out there" whatever, there are a million things I could say. I'm going to go ahead and try and make this post as positive as possible, here's my big challenge of the day!

I do tell people that Valentines day really means nothing and its just a commercial holiday and blah blah blah blah blah, but really deep deep down inside, Valentines Day does rock...only if I have a significant other... it could also be a whatever holiday just passing by too because I wouldn't really need this day to validate my feelings for whoever I'm with. When I'm single, and bitter about it... I'm going to go ahead and be bitter about this day.

Two weeks ago I wrote about this boy I was seeing and how happy I was and how awesome he was/is... he's still super cool.... We spent a wonderful, cold, windy day at the beach yesterday.... then he went home, and then I ended it. Part of me regrets it because I did/do have strong feelings for him.... but here is where I look at myself and realize that I really am making smart adult decisions.

I never would of thought of this decision being an "adult" decision until my friend was telling me how adult of me it was. I was kind of confused by it, but it really was adult of me. I actually put my head before my heart, which is something big for me. If I listened to my heart I would've been like "shut the fuck up head, I'm having an awesome time with this awesome guy" but, my head kept on muttering "but you're not getting what you want out of this girl, yeah you're happy, but happiness can only go so far."

I don't know if I'm making any sense here. The point is, is that it really is important to listen to your head as opposed to your heart. I've listened to my heart so many times and ended up in the exact place my head said I would, in heartache. I'm tired of wasting time hoping for things to change and giving dudes the benefit of the doubt, I'm tired of putting myself second. So, I grabbed my balls and finally put my needs first. I hate it, but I fucking did it. Am I happy about it now? Of course not, especially on this fuckin fucking day.... I'm sure I'll be fine in a couple days, maybe a week or so? I dunno!

Anyways, my co-worker put it best, if it's meant to be it's meant to be... la de da. I have a pretty good feeling that it wasn't meant to be, my spidey senses tell me so.

I don't think I'm doing a good job being positive... so lets really try it.

Good side of all this.... I can be proud of myself for putting myself first!! Woohoo!!! I can be proud of myself for being smart about this!! Woohoo!!! I can be proud of myself for giving this relationshipless relationship thing a shot!! Woohoo!!! I can be proud of myself for just being me! I can be proud of myself for being a single 20somethin in the crazy 21st.... taking on each challenge that's thrown my way! Bring it!!!!!

So, I'm definitely going to go back to deactivating my okcupid account and lay low for a bit... I get too excited too fast. I remember thinking that The Secret worked its magic and brought me this wonderful boy... I did believe it, but the timing wasn't right....I like to dream a little too much.

Note to self: No more dreaming from now on... no more dreaming...no more dreaming...no more dreaming.

For real though, all of you enjoying this day... Happy Valentines Day....and for all of us singletons out there, lets make this day go by fast :)

<3

Chivalry

This topic has sort of presented itself to me three times this week, so I figured I might as well write about it....right?

A new term started for me in school and I'm forced to take this pointless Etiquette class.... yes, I have to learn etiquette.... I mean, maybe 75% of the kids in my class definitely NEED this class, but me?? nah, I think I've got it down, I was one of the 25% that didn't interrupt my teacher :) hahaha..

Anyways!! The topic of Chivalry was talked about in this class. Chivalry. What is it? Does it still exist? Is it dead? Why is it dead? 

Chivalry |ˈ sh ivəlrē|
noun
the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code.
• historical knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively : I fought against the cream of French chivalry.
• the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, esp. courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.
• courteous behavior, esp. that of a man toward women : their relations with women were models of chivalry and restraint 
(taken from the mac dictionary)

See that highlighted portion, this is what I'm talking about.  So we talked about this in class, what it means to be chivalrous and if men still do chivalrous things and what not. Do men still hold doors for women? Do men still walk on the street side of the sidewalk? Do men stand up at a dinner table when a woman leaves to go to the ladies room?

Some dudes in my class said they did some of these things, well... most said they hold doors, and one or two said they stood up at a table. So, chivalry is definitely dying. Why is that?

We have become a more lax society perhaps? We aren't as courteous as we used to be. Society as a whole has definitely dumbed down etiquette wise. We did talk a bit about woman's lib. and how that has impacted this chivalry thing. While woman's lib is awesome, there are the extremes that helped in the dying of chivalry. We women don't need men to do certain things for us, we are just as strong and just as independent. See in the definition of chivalry  "a readiness to help the weak" nope nope nope, we are not weak! We don't need you!!!!! We take offense to these actions of chivalry!!!

Here's my take on this whole chivalry thing. I think its silly, and sweet. I consider myself to be a strong independent woman, and part of me cringes when women fall weak to men and have them do silly things. Yes, there are certain things that men do better than women and vice versa, but it doesn't mean neither of us could at least TRY. So, while chivalry is silly, it's also super sweet. Holding doors for me is nice, I always get all silly about it because in my head I think to myself "woa, I'm being treated like... like... like a LADY!!" The standing up for me when I go to the bathroom would be too too much for me!! The sidewalk thing? ha! My ex used to adamantly refuse that I walk on the street side of the sidewalk. I would always laugh at him and try and weasel my way around him to the street side, because to me, it was silly. Now that I think back on it, I was probably fucking up his sense of manhood, taking pride in protecting his girl.

So, there is one side of how I feel about chivalry, and this next side could possibly be just a personal problem.... it probably is. Because in today's society things are so lax, and men don't try as hard with the chivalrous things to show the woman how they feel, that when it DOES happen, I right away think its ingenuous. It isn't genuine. I think, this dude is just doing this to get in my pants, because really, ultimately he is. Is he doing it just to do it, is he doing it for me? Or is this just his idea of being able to sweet talk a girl and coerce her into his bed? I probably just have trust issues... haha.

Another way this chivalrous thing presented itself is when I was talking with someone about love and expectations and wants of the significant other, chivalry wasn't really mentioned but I think this goes along with it. Wanting a man to jump through hoops, walk through fire, catch a grenade for you, all acts of chivalry. This want this need for a man to just fucking do it, fucking go all in 100% and fight to be with you. Does that exist? Now that I think of it too, are these ideas in our minds because of the media? Did they ever exist? We sit around and watch these chick flicks and we are being conditioned to think that if a man doesn't do these things then it's not REAL, he doesn't really want to be with you. Are these tests, ideals, and ideas we should live by?

While I tend to fall for those ideas, I try to stay grounded and realistic and say that it's all bullshit and all these ideas are just fucking ideas and that love will present itself in any way, shape, or form.  My man shouldn't have to jump through hoops or walk through fire or catch a grenade for me.

Then the song came on while I was in my car (the idea of chivalry presented itself again), and my grounded thoughts flew out the window. I guess it always seems that I'm the one who'd catch a grenade for them.... I guess what I'm waiting for is for the roles to be reversed.








Happy Valentines Day

<3

A year in review...and then some...

I'm hoping this post won't be a repeat of my New Years one, but we're going to give it a try and see what happens.... if I post it, I post it, if not, then there's nothing for you readers (or me) to worry about!

The end of this month marks the end of an incredible life transforming year for me... it's a pretty big deal. I did mention in my New Year's post about moving back to the east coast at the end of feb.. well, really i flew back March 1st... but February was an important month, it was a month that definitely tested my strength. I definitely pulled through with the help of friends and the universe :)

Last February I had big dreams, big goals for this year. At the time the move felt like a huge step back but really it was a giant leap forward. I was done with it all, I was done with struggling, I was done moping and I was done not having something concrete to stand on, my foundation was built on fluffy ideas/dreams that never solidified.

Here were my goals for last year (summed up from a journal entry)... 1.Figure out some sense what the future holds for me 2. Create a stable ground 3. Fix the wiring in my head :)  The move gave me great motivation, I surrendered to the universe and in return it gave back.

Sometimes you have to go through so much shit to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And sometimes, things just click in your head, you just get tired of struggle and you surrender.

ANYWAYS!!! I feel like I keep trying to get to a point but I'm just not getting there.

Part of this journey was to start seeing a Therapist. I'm not one who likes to ask for help or anything, but I knew I needed some guidance. I landed a really awesome chick and she's been amazing! She's been helping me keep on track of doing things for ME.

Part of me got lost somewhere

So, this year I grabbed a hold of me!!!! I basked in the glory of being single, I held my head and fist up and revolted against things that didn't make ME happy.  Yes, I did, I basked in the glory of being single, my goal was to not be with any boys for a whole year!!!!!! I was close, I really was!!!

Last post, and last week I was seriously struggling with this whole Relationshipless Relationship. At some points I felt like I was giving up part of me. I wasn't putting myself first. After many discussions with the bestie she helped me come down to this conclusion. Continue to just go with the flow because right now I'm happy, and isn't being happy what's most important?


Well, I was scared to bring up the whole relationshipless relationship, because I didnt want to put any unnecessary pressure on something that was good. While my biological clock is ticking, and while I struggle to silence it, the main thing is that I be happy right?

I am happy! With so many things in life right now, not just the boy but the boy adds to it. Yes, I wish, I wish him and I lived closer we'd have so much more fun together...sigh... but it is what it is and we make do with what we've got. I want to write about him but I'm not sure if hmmm... here goes... I'll give you the quick rundown I gave my friend a while ago when I first started seeing him (thank you gchat):
 He has a BFA in ceramics (eeeeee!), he's a mechanic (hot), he wears timberlands (hot), he loves to work with his hands (fuckin hot), he loves to bake (yup, hot), he likes to make home made pasta (droool), ummm he's got dreads (eeee!!!), and get this!! he's jewish!!!!!! (not a hot factor, but it sure makes my mom hot!)

Now, I know that these things aren't what define him... obviously. Since spending more time with him and getting to know him more he is definitely my cup of tea :) We are super goofy together, I love that he can be goofy! He is sensitive towards others which is amazing! Remember that post I wrote a while ago with the lists of things I want in a man and things I want in a relationship? Well, the day after I posted that, I met him on Okcupid. Something else that I like too, is that he comes from a good home! The second I walked into his house I felt so much love, so much warmth, it was definitely refreshing! And to top it off, make-out sessions with him are.... indescribable :)

I'm worried I may be too excited about this and I'm worried I may jinx it and I'm worried the possibility of him reading this will freak him out. But guess what... it's my blog and I'll blog if I want to :)

Anyways! I'm touching on so many things in this post!!! I do apologize!!! The point I'm trying to make with this post is that, if there isn't struggle there isn't happiness, satisfaction, growth, positivity, etc.
 I feel that I've grown so much this past year that it definitely has enabled me to be a stronger, sexier, happier, more confident single woman than I have been in years, possibly ever. So, struggling men and women out there, don't you worry! Once you're officially done with the struggle and ready for some change it'll all slowly start to fall into place. I'm definitely not 100% there yet but everyday within a new challenge lies a new change. Cheeesieness just oooozed out of this paragraph... :)

And yes, the 3 goals I created last year are definitely being fulfilled. I do have some sense of what the future holds for me, I have more of a direction now, living my dream! My foundation is coming along beautifully, I can stand strong more days than not :) The wiring in my head is definitely being soldered together the right way! High five for me!!!!!