Farewell

Goodbye cruel world!!!!!!!

::hand to forehead::

just kiddin!!! but not really.... i'm not offing myself... im offing this blog..... ok.... let me start over...

Well friends, it looks like this is going to be my last post on this blog. I've decided to change some things... to make some positive changes. I touched on a lot last week how I want to just be engaged with and to myself, how I really want to focus on me in the now. This blog has been such a great learning experience and has really given me the time to get over past loves, and heartache. It's given me the time to learn from my mistakes, it's really given me the time to learn from my past as well as being okay with moving forward.

I'd like to thank you all for being a part of my life, reading, commenting, being a character in my stories. To the men I've been with this past year, thank you for putting up with me...haha.. I'm not saying I was an all the time pain in the ass, but I know I was insane pushy with the whole "needing to be in a relationship," needing a man, needing someone... somebody!!! ANYBODY!!! haha So, thank you Mr. High School for being patient with me when I couldn't be patient enough with you, thank you Mr. Hands for understanding. Thank you Mr. Nerdgasm and Mr. Teeth for inspiring and motivating me with our failed dates to get me starting this blog!

This year I definitely struggled with needing to be in a relationship and trying too hard. I think I tried so hard that I really lost myself... hence the engagement. So, while this is all so sad and heartbreaking, there is so much positivity to look forward too! I'm really very excited!!

I wrote this first half of the blog at the beginning of this week... and now, trying to finish it up, its quite sweet and sour, I have mixed feelings. There are days when I really am so very excited about this new move in really focusing on me and my own self-worth, in understanding that I really am enough. Then there are times when I think this is too hard and am not really sure I can conquer this. So much is going through my head right now. In any case, I am excited to transform myself this year and I am excited to see what this coming new year has in store for me.

I've, for the most part, been able to let go of past loves and ideas and expectations I had. I'm 95% there and I'm hoping I can jump start this year with a full 100%! I've really learned to just let go of this idea of needing someone to make me happy, I understand, and I've always known, that I need to make me happy. I feel like this will be a hard hard struggle. I have to 100% rely on only me. It scares the shit out of me.

This is sweet and sour for me, I'm torn... maybe it's cause I'm having a rough day....

Anyways, I did start a new blog to track this transition, it's not 100% legit yet, but I have only a few post up. I've decided to explore the realm of tumblr. While blogger has been a great site for this blog, I figured I'd try something new. So, if you want to follow me, my new site is Miz Engaged.

See you all on the flip-side!

live, laugh love
<3
neo

Miss Engaged

Engaged.... to be engaged... what does it mean? It basically has 2 main meanings.

1. proposed to and on the pretty little road to marriage
2. busy, occupied, unavailable, involved

So, I have a little secret to share with you all!! I'm engaged!!!! In both senses of the word.... let me explain. So, remember that post I wrote a while back about me being in love, with myself but not like self centered love, but in love with life. Obviously there were some bumps down that road, it's been rough and easy and rough and easy, but when I come out strong, I'm strong.

I'm sure I've mentioned this before.... probably about a thousand times... how my plan since high school was to get married by the time I turn 30 and then start planning on having kids. If I can't find someone to marry, why not pull a Sue Sylvester (from Glee) and marry myself!? Yep! That's right! You heard it first!! Well, not really, I've told others of this revelation. Anyways, it's my birthday in a little under a month and I'm proposing to myself on this 29th year of my life, my last year in the 20's I'm gonna do me and prepare for my own "wedding" when I turn 30. This will be the marriage that will make me most happiest, and feel the most safest... it will be a long lasting one, no divorce in the future, plus! no need to write a prenup :)

I hope to stick to this and really make everyday a me-day and focus on me in the now, not in the past or in the future, in the now. This is the part when I use the 2nd meaning of engage and really engage myself in myself. At least I hope I can do it everday... remember that post I wrote where I took track of things that made me happy everyday? Maybe if I tried that with this doing me, it'll get me in the motion of doin me and bein me and empowering myself. 

Anyways, let's see if I can do this! 

Wish me luck

<3

Mr. Distraction and the Rut Wall

Preface

I write this to illustrate that in some relationships there are ruts and that it's important to stay on track and work on it.  That, distractions will come and go but the relationship and the person you're with will still be there and is worth so much more and means so much more than what Mr./Mrs. Distraction can offer.

I was in a situation once, with a certain Mr. Distraction, it didn't end so well.. but don't start making assumptions because it's not what you think.... and i shouldn't make assumptions that you're thinking what I think you're thinking..... oy! in short.... lets not make any assumptions. I was young, I was in a 3 yr relationship, I was living with my boyfriend and we kind of hit a wall.

The wall? The relationship rut wall.

Mr. Distraction and the Rut Wall

Once upon a time there was a girl Ms.Yearning, a boy Mr. BoyFriend (BF) and an evil Mr. Distraction. Ms. Yearning and Mr. BF recently moved to a big city and were excited about this new chapter in their lives. Mr. BF started grad school and Ms. Yearning was taking a few classes at the community college and working full time at a fast food sausage factory  joint (for real, I can show you the brochure, there is a wonderful pic  of Ms. Yearning in there of her helping a customer :) ).

Ms. Yearning and Mr. BF were so busy with their individual responsibilities and struggling to get by that they forgot to take care of their love once in a while. They hit the Relationship Rut Wall.... not quite like the one Humpty Dumpty fell off of but you can use that as imagery.

Back at the sausage factory, Ms. Yearning was the shift manager so she was there a lot. Most days she would go to school in the mornings and head right over to the sausage factory at night. By the time she got home it was 11pm. She became close with her co-workers.... especially close to Mr. Distraction. Ms. Yearning and Mr. Distraction were close in that they opened up to each other and talked about everything and anything, and Ms. Yearning would give him books to read to open up his world even more. Mr. Distraction was a latin man, a latin man with hot moves and words and a lot of heat.... of course he'd be titled Mr. Distraction!!!!! Come to think of it Ms. Yearning was probably Ms. Distraction to him because he lived with his mom, his baby, and his baby's mama. 

All 3 of them sat high up on the relationship rut wall.


Ms. Yearning fell for every hot word, syllable, smile, laugh, touch Mr. Distraction delivered. He would tell her sweet nothings, and they created this little fantasy world, Ms. Yearning tried to fight it with all her might.

Back at home, Mr. BF  could sense something was up. Ms. Yearning was literally yearning for the love that she needed. The kind of love that Mr. BF wasn't able to give her,  Mr. Distraction was. It was natural the direction she'd steer towards. We are going to give Mr. BF some credit, because he went out of his way to have drinks with Ms. Yearning, Mr. Distraction and their other coworkers.


One night Ms. Yearning closed with Mr. Distraction.  She was in the office finishing crunching numbers and was just finishing up when Mr. Distraction came in. They chatted while she finished. She got up to leave and Mr. Distraction stood in the doorway, he wouldn't let her leave until she gave him a kiss. He was persistent! She gave him a quick peck.... a quick quick quick peck...... he stepped aside and she went back to closing up shop.

(ok this is getting long...)

One day Ms. Yearning came into work to find that the place had been robbed! eeep! No one knew who did it yet, but the place had surveillance cameras so it was sure that they'd get down to it. Two days later Ms. Yearning and Mr. Distraction met up for coffee before work, he had just gone shopping for some new clothes and was telling Ms. Yearning about this new cd player he got himself (yes, this is the direction it's going.). After coffee Mr. Distraction and Ms. Yearning go to work, just before going in they decided to have a cigarette right out front. Two men in trench coats came up to them and asked Mr. Distraction his name. He told them his name, they quickly took him to the side, told him his rights while they placed hand cuffs on him, put him in the car and drove away.

Ms. Yearning stood there in shock while she saw the owner and his son smiling and laughing. She went to the nearest park, sat at a bench and cried, no... she sobbed.   

This was the end of Mr. Distraction. This marked the end of Ms. Yearning. This  aided in the sealing of the book of Mr. BF and Ms. Yearning.

The Moral of the Story

Well.... after Mr. Distraction got locked up Ms. Yearning and Mr. BF had many discussions about their relationship. This whole situation put things into perspective for Ms. Yearning. While Mr. Distraction wasn't the best thing to come around she learned a lot. She learned what it was that she needed in a relationship, what she needed to be happy. She also learned that it was more important to put her relationship first, to work on that relationship and come to a common ground together rather than getting to some conclusion on her own in a way that hurt Mr. BF. Mr. BF was her love for 3 years, he deserved more respect.

So, while distractions are the devil, they also are learning experiences in disguise. Luckily for Ms. Yearning this distraction ended in a way that was blunt and easier to move from because at the time it probably would've taken her longer to realize these things.  Not sure if this is really a moral but really, just don't forget who you are, what you deserve, don't forget about the people you love, and try and catch yourself in the pre-storm of distraction before it destroys your home. Deep down inside, i know we all know when the distraction storm is about to hit.

Sidenote

On a quick, personal, and probably not that important note, Ms. Yearning had coffee with the sausage factory owners son  shortly after to go over what happened. He explained how the robber entered with a key through the front door and how they could tell that the robber was Mr. Distractions height... and it was obvious with all the new things he was buying that he had come into some money. The son told Ms. Yearning that he thinks Mr. Distraction robbed the place for her. The son and Mr. Distraction once had a conversation and Mr. Distraction mentioned how you had to be someone with money to be with Ms. Yearning, to give her all that she wants.

<3

Lights, Camera, Action!

So, Happy Thanksgiving... la de da! Hope ya'll had a good one! I'm here in Dallas visiting my mom for this holiday.  Let me cut to the chase... I wasn't even here a full 24hrs and her and my father already started with this fuckin matchmaking business. Could you believe it!?! I indulged them because at first I was thinkin' "alright, why not take a chance" then I got so annoyed by it, and knowing them, the more I say no, the more they persist... whatever you resist persists! So, once I gave the okay... which by the way, was said with a sigh (the hint went unnoticed), my mom rushed to her ipad and sent the "go ahead" email to the other matchmaking side.

Now, I do understand that they care about me and about my happiness and la de da. BUT!!!! There are several things that bothered me, several things that got me thinking:

1. Destiny. I touched on you before, and while I do believe in you, there are several things that bother me about you, sorry... let me re-iterate. Let me describe to you this dude the parents are trying to set me up with and the situation around it and how it relates to you, destiny.

We used to live right outside of chicago, we moved when i was 7. I have immigrant parents, so chicago was their first stomping ground, and the people they met really helped them out a lot, thus becoming life long friends. So, the couple they met had like 4 kids (?) who are all grown up and have families now. Well, one of their kids had a bar-mitzvah so my parents went. There, they met the brother of their friend who has 2 sons one is 40somethin and the other is just about to turn 40.  So, theyre tryin to set me up with this close to 40yr old. Which already raises a red flag, but I'll discuss that in another bullet point :) He's a teacher at a really good Deaf school up in Berkely, CA, he is also Deaf, and he's not bad lookin....

Destiny, this is how my mother thinks you play a role in this whole matchmaking venture her and my father are on.  My mom excitedly said to me at one point "What if this is destiny!?!!? What if we were supposed to meet our friends in Chicago just so you could marry their nephew! What if that's the reason why you did Deaf Studies!?! This all makes sense!"

Destiny, what if there is no meaning or reasoning behind certain things....Destiny, you makes us read into things too much and thus we create odd expectations... what if things just are.... why not just let things be. Destiny, I think you may be some kind of meddler in a weird twisted way, and I really don't like it. I only like you when you work in my favor.. which makes this relationship very one sided and makes me sound selfish... in any case, stop meddling and stop giving us excuses to be hopeful for a moment, let us live in reality.

2. The 40yr old thing... came as a complete shock! I still feel like I'm 25.. but really, I'm fuckin 28... im turning 29 in a month... what the fuck.  And, really, it is possible for me to date someone 10 yrs older than me.. I did it when I was 24 (remember Mr. Zohan?)!  So this whole thing came as like an age realization shock... I'm going to be 29 and I still feel like im 25... even still, a high schooler, I'm jsut as confused about life and the future as I was when I was 18! I'm not sure I'm ready to date a real adult! hahaha Which kinda brought me down too cuz I'm in this struggle... when I was in HS I used to be obsessed with Britney Spears (don't judge) and this song comes to mind "I'm not a Girl, not yet a woman." That's how I feel.

3. A big issue! I wasn't here 24hrs and they're trying to set me up.... not 24hrs! Not even a full day!!!!!!!!  I haven't seen my mom in like 6 months and I come see her and this is what we're gonna waste our time on!?!??! This is what pissed me off, the fact that no matter what, there's a problem with me being single, no matter what, I need to have someone.  I think I was finally able to put this correctly in my mind and now in words on this blog, I kinda feel like who i am as an individual doesn't account too much unless i have a significant other and i feel like i've been conditioned to think that way too, and that's not right, not at all. 

Ya know, the past few months have been rough for me. In my Patience post I think I wrote about how I put myself out there and my feelings and ended up breaking my own heart. While going through all of that I just kinda zoomed through it but really, now that things have slowed down it hit me hard and i've been struggling with, really, just letting go of all of this love shit. I'm going to be patient and it's taken some hard work and pain to get to this place. While I'm independent, I am extremely emotionally dependent. My goal is to become emotionally independent. I want to recondition myself, to empower myself in really believing that all I need is myself, and whoever comes along will be a great addition to my life... and may eventually turn into our life... but for now, I'm the most important thing in my life and I really have to own it and believe it and not just write and talk about it.....

Actions speak louder than words.


So!!!! In Conclusion.....

Dear Parents,

For the last and final time, I ask of you, please never ever ever ever ever try and set me up ever again because im sick of it and in a sense its condescending and deaming. I know you want the best for me, but what the best for me right now is not what you envision it to be.


Love,
Your 20something-close-to-30something Daughter

p.s. this would be the best birthday/hannukah gift ever.


<3

Mr. SuperJew

I wasn't going to write something today because I just didn't have anything in mind to write about and I've been in a poopy mood this week. Then I was thinkin maybe I could write about one of the lil black book boys... and writing about one of them is truly fitting for this time of year.... you'll see why... read on :)

So, let me try and give a quick background story. When I first moved to CA in '05 I left everything and everyone that I knew and loved. I left Mr. First Love and that was the hardest thing to get over. My bestie was right when she told me that it takes approx 1/2 the time you're with with someone to get over them... yes it took me a year and a half to get over Mr. F.L. I had mini crushes here and there but nothing came to fruition (i feel silly using that word but it's a good word, no?).  

Anyways, I was all alone, I was loving the newness of everything, the surroundings, the people, the experiences, the sun! the mountains! the clouds!! mmm.... let me digress just for a second, I remember my first day all by myself in CA (meaning my parents were in the air flyin back east), was the best day ever. I walked out of my building on my way to school and the sun was shining the sky was blue with beautiful puffy clouds and looking up all i saw were the tops of palm trees and blue sky! That was when I knew and felt that I was okay and that this whole new life change was okay. It was the best welcome I could get.  Granted there were times when it got a bit rough.. but anyways!!

How does one make friends in new surroundings? Well, in college? You go to clubs blah blah blah. I lived right next door to the Hillel House. Hillel is like a college club/group for jews. I decided to tap into my heritage and check it out. Well, I met a lot of great people and have a lot of great memories with everyone in that club. I was really active. It's not a super jew kinda club, it's casual just people who are jewish getting together no religion forced down your throat or anything. My first year there I was really pretty active. Then the next year I dabbled in the super jew one.. Chabad. Now, I still remained my non-super-jew self, it did give me some comfort though, having friday night dinners with everyone, it made me feel at home.

In my apartment building the side I lived in were full of studios. The other side had 1 and 2 bedrooms. The second year I was in CA, I met a few dudes at Chabad who lived in the other side of the building. Now, my all time favorite holiday is Thanksgiving! It really is, mmm the food the friends/family it's my favorite. The first year I was in CA I  spent it alone, I went to the market and bought a turkey leg, made some stuffing and the other sides. I didn't have an oven in my studio, I just had a lil dinky toaster oven. The people on the other side of the building had ovens!! Ovens big enough to hold a turkey!!!!!

A week or two before Thanksgiving (in '06), I asked one of the dudes if I could use his oven to bake a turkey in it for Thanksgiving. He had no issues with it, he had Thanksgiving plans and wasn't going to need his oven.  I told my friends I was making a Thanksgiving dinner so I had some guests ready to come over! I bought the Turkey and all the other goodies... I WAS FUCKIN EXCITED!!!! This was the first Thanksgiving dinner I was hosting :) haha I wish I took pictures.... anyways.

I brought the Turkey to this boys place. Let me quickly describe this boy. He wasn't bad lookin, he was cute, kinda too loud, funny, he was religious. He wasn't black hat religious, but he was religious. I bring the Turkey over, and we put it in the pan and prepare it and blah blah he likes cooking so he was all into it. Bam, the Turkey is in the oven.. and now all we have to do is wait. He still had a few hours to kill before he left to go to his friends for Thanksgiving.

His living room consisted of a dinky kitchen table, a TV on the ground, and like 2 pillows? I think? So he offered me a beer and we sat on the floor and watched TV. Then BAM! out of nowhere he kisses me. We are crazy making out on the floor. This was the first interaction I had with a boy since leaving Mr. F.L. I missed kissing so much!!!!!! There we are... on the floor, making out. Then... one thing led to another.... 

This was the best getting, officially, fully over Mr. F.L. this helped me move on. I wasn't at all emotionally attached to Mr. SuperJew and he wasn't that great anyways. It really was great because it was unexpected, there were no emotions involved, and it was just something that I needed. So, we did the deed, the turkey was still in the oven... he had to go after, and I was left with messy hair, a smile on my face, and the delicious smell of turkey cookin.

The dinner turned out deliciously! I had 3 gals come over and we all indulged and enjoyed! We ate at his place cuz he had more room. Then when he was done with his dinner plans he came back with some of the other boys we knew and we all went to see The Pick of Destiny (right? that's what it's called?). It was a wonderful Thanksgiving! hahaha

What happened with Mr. SuperJew and I? Well, we continued this casual fling for about a month or two, then it just stopped, I don't remember if I put an end to it or he did or if it just mutually stopped. There are no hard feelings (no pun intended...::snickersnicker::). I found it funny though, the times we would get together and then rush to leave to go to a meeting at the Chabad house and talk about religious shit.... hahaha and religious shit indeed it was... no offense to you super jews out there.

I think he's married now and is for real super jew... that's the last I've heard. Sigh.... it's funny and interesting the experiences we all have. Sometimes I forget about these little stories.  It really is amazing the stories we live through that create who we are today.


<3

Patience

I have this deck of cards my sister bought me a while ago. The Power of Intention card deck by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Most of the time they sit on my bookshelf, but once in a while when I'm struggling I take them out, give them a good shuffle and randomly pick a card. I pick a card hoping that it'll give me some sort of guidance, clarity, or comfort. This past week I pulled out the cards 3 or 4 times... and twice I pulled out the same card, I think it's a sign (yeah, I believe in signs.... you got somethin' to say about it?! ... that's what I thought.).

Be Infinitely Patient

That's what the card says... be infinitely patient...it really is just so fitting to what I've been struggling with recently and this past year. Be infinitely patient.... I feel like I've spent the past year being infinitely impatient. Now it's time to turn it around.  

I know I've said this a bajillion times before but I really just need to back off of this tremendous focus on my lack of a love life, yeah it sucks but suck it up, move on, and if you're patient enough, your time will come... or it wont come and that's okay too. 

I couldn't be patient with Mr. High School. I'm impatient with needing to know where my life is headed. I'm for some reason in some sorta race against, against, against I have no fuckin' clue! Gotta remember, slow and steady wins the race, whatever race that may be. 

In some ways though, impatience has helped me a bit. I was able to end relationships quicker because I was impatient but really, realized I wasn't getting what I needed (I was being honest with myself!! wink wink!! reference to last weeks post :) ). Because of my impatience, I've expressed my feelings and broke my heart but this is all teaching me to be patient. It's also taught me a different way to experience closure.

So, I feel, in order to be infinitely patient, you had to have had experience with impatience. Or not, I mean what works for me might not work for you. But it's always  good to get an idea of what both sides look like.

Anyways, that's my two cents for this week. Breathe in and think to yourself "be infinitely patient" and breathe out, it helps :)

<3

Honesty?

Honesty, is honestly the key component to any relationship. It is, of course, important in a relationship with your significant other, in every way... communication, love, feelings, fidelity etc. In order to get to that place though, I think that the most important relationship one should be honest in, is with oneself! Because if you're not honest with yourself, who can you be honest with? It's like the whole loving oneself thing. Everything begins with you.  Trust, honesty, love, compassion, empathy etc. everything begins with you. Every feeling you have towards yourself and others begin with you. Even anger.... it's all your shit.

In my personal experiences there were times when I was able to be completely honest and times when I failed with being honest. So, it's def not like a one time thing, for me at least. Where the second I'm honest I will be honest forever and ever. I think different times in your life either allow you to be able to be honest with yourself,  other times you just cant figure it out, and sometimes you realize it after the fact.

Three examples:

1. Recently I've been honest with my feelings towards certain boys, and I let it be known to them and while I ended up breaking my own heart, I'm glad I was able to be honest with them because that was being honest with myself. I dunno if this really ties in with honesty, but I think it's important to be honest with how you feel and to let it be known, even if the other person doesn't care to hear it. Because, for example, if I never let my feelings be known, I'd still be sitting here dreaming up false dreams... is that being honest with myself? no.... I got the answers I needed and now I can move on.

2. I'm not sure if I wrote much about the boy I moved back to CA for. I think I've kinda done a good job sweeping that whole experience under the rug. I should write about that whole thing... but I can't because I'm still kinda confused and bitter about what went down. This is an instance where I was completely not honest with myself and I obviously still haven't resolved anything... well I'm 1000000% over him and so happy that I'm not with him because that was the most unhealthy relationship I've ever been in.... hands down. Maybe not ever.... Mr. Asshole was a fuckin douche, but I knew what to expect from him. Anyways... whatever. I guess I'll call boy I moved to CA for, Mr. CA. So... I knew from the start I wasn't being honest with myself... I knew he wasn't worth moving back to CA for and I knew that a relationship with him and I wasn't doable. I wasn't being honest with myself and I can't figure it out why. I mean,  I was in denial I guess? I was also in a really bad place in my life, it was like a 2 yr waste of time. 1 yr being here and depressed and 1 yr of being there depressed with him... anyways... it still confuses me why I never listened to myself.  But this was also a good example of both of us not being honest with ourselves thus leading in the dishonesty and destruction of our twisted relationship. ( i know I'm writing very negatively about my relationship with him... there were some lovely sweet moments of course, but I guess I'm still bitter.. and it was such a negative time.. everything during that time was just shit)

3.  Maybe my relationship with Mr. F.L is a good example of being honest, then not being honest with oneself thus leading to dishonesty in the relationship and taking a while to realize. Dude I was IN LOVE with Mr. F.L.. he was my first love :) I think we were both definitely pretty honest in the relationship. But, you know how love is blind? or in fact, how love can blind you? There was a point I don't know if it was from the very beginning, but while Mr. F.L. and I were honest with each other, there were times when being blinded by love made me keep things at bay thus kinda being dishonest.... I don'tknow what I'm talking about... I think I'm confusing myself.....really,  I feel,  that when we moved in with each other that's definitely when my eyes opened and kinda became dishonest and in denial (I wonder... can dishonesty and denial be interchanged in certain situations?). I wonder if he went through something similar. There's a long story that kinda ended our relationship. But in short, one of the many things that took part in ending our relationship was when this dude at work satisfied my emotional needs because I wasn't getting that from Mr. F.L anymore. At the time I was most certainly dishonest, and then the boy at work got arrested, right before my very eyes! eep!, for breaking in and stealing money from work... sigh.. oh the boys I pick...anyways.... that's when I became honest with myself and realized what it was that I needed to do for me.


Anyways.... I really don't know if any of this makes any sense what so ever or if it means anything at all..... sometimes I feel like I'm just talking jibberish. All I'm saying is try your best to be honest, cuz if you're not u end up hurting not only others, but yourself.  Even when you are honest you get hurt, and that shouldn't deter u from being honest again... dust yourself off and try again, right? I'm getting the repercussions now, for being honest and for not being honest, I got hurt along the way and I'm hurtin' right now, but it's a process... life is a process, learning is a process...there's a process to everything.

And, well... maybe one of the boys I expressed my feelings too, while I was being honest in my feelings maybe I wasn't being honest in the perception I had of him because while expecting a certain response from him I got something else so, maybe I continuously blind myself with love and infatuation. Why can't I ever see the reality to a person? Going back to the first paragraph, maybe it's because I'm not realistically seeing myself... it all starts with you, right?

Where can I get a prescription for realistic lenses for my glasses?


<3

Mr. Zohan

So!
haha where do I begin!
oh oh!!

I KNOW!

So, remember how I wrote about how my mom was super adamant about Jdate... finding a jewish husband via online dating sites ...blech blech blech...achem. Back when I lived in CA we made a bet. We bet that if I met someone she won and if I didn't she wasn't allowed to bring up Jdate ever again! So, she paid for the 3 month subscription for me... there was no way I was putting money down for this shit! Anyways, she pays, I write info and upload pics... I got a few bites but this one dude intrigued me... he messaged me and I bit back.

He was 10 yrs older than me... haha I dunno why that was important to mention, but i guess it's important because he was like the first and really only dude I've dated that was older than me. So, guess what he did for a living?!?! He was an actor!!! do do dooo!! I guess you might get where the name for him came from?? haha I'll get there, don't you worry! After messaging and then talking on the phone a few times we decided to set up a date. hahaha I remember kinda being scared cuz I obviously didn't know the guy from nothin and he was older and blah... so i made it that we met up at a public place.. there was some kinda festival going on in santa monica so we met there.

Now, when you meet someone in person, you know what they look like right? okay... just checking... keep that question in mind!

so, the festival was nice, there was a band playing there that i liked which i think was also another reason why I wanted to go... it could've been mason jennings, or ben harper??? anyways i don't remember. It was nice, then we went to a diner after for snacks? I guess.. and he needed to have freshly squeezed OJ, he got that and i think matzo ball soup?? Or was it me that got the soup?? i don't remember.

That date started our 3 month romance. Next date he took me to griffith observatory and thats where we had our first kiss...awwwwwww.... and then our second one I wrote about I think... that was a fuckin hot ass make-out session!! mm mm mm! He took me out to great places to eat and he even introduced me to Bikram Yoga (love the shit out of that workout!!! :) I thank him for that.)! Oh and he was a big big meditator, every mornin he'd meditate.

Let me explain something, he was/is a very health conscious dude. He went to Bikram, he played basketball with his friends, he ate super healthy. We would make these salads together that consisted of cucumbers, tomatoes, carrots?, chickpeas, another type of beans, and something else and a delicious dressing. hahaha can I be frank here...now,  I'm a nervous farter... i.e. i don't like to fart in public i.e. i gotta be super fuckin comfy in front of u if im gonna fart in front of u...  im giggly just writing this.. but i think its totally important to be able to fart in front of the one you love! haha but not the one you're dating for 3 months!!! I swear to fuckin god! every time, hands down, every time i slept over that boys place I'd wake up in my sleep to me farting hahahahahaha! hahahaha! omg! worse thing ever! On top of that he wasnt big on bodily functions either! He would go in the bathroom to fart. Just cuz I'm not a comfortable farter, I'm totally cool with others being comfortable about it.
AND!
AND!
AND!
He even told me how these friends of his, they're married, they had at that time i think a 5 yr old son and even that couple never farted in front of each other because they "didn't want to ruin the attraction they had for one another." mmhmm insanity isnt it! IN-FUCKIN-SANITY! I wonder where the dude was when his wife gave birth, lets hope she didnt shit during the whole process, shit!

Sigh, so so sad.

So... i met some of his other actor friends and their beautiful bombshell girl friends. I mean him and I had fun we could joke around and had fun acting like thugs and hicks and la de da. During this time too he was working on the set of You Don't Mess with the Zohan... he had a 5 min scene in it... I'm not gonna say which scene. At one point he was gonna let me read the script but I wasn't interested.

How did this end? Well, he called me up one day, and I don't remember if I could tell it was going downhill by then or not, but he broke up with me, by telling me, in short, that it's because he wasn't attracted to me, I wasn't tall and skinny. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU THESE PAST 3 MONTHS!?

I now remember him saying something about how he was trying to get me into active things and I wasn't for it or something? wtf? I loved Bikram and I went everytime he asked and I even went on my own without him..... let me grow a cock so u can suck it son! That's how I felt... now there are no hard feelings I laugh at it all.

So, it ended..... then before I moved back east him and I met up... and funny thing is after he broke up with me I of course felt like the worlds biggest fat ass ever... even though I wasn't in bad shape!!! I joined a gym after he broke up with me and I worked out religiously and I got super hot! So, I was excited to show off my bod, so I sorta did but not really, but of course it didn't matter at that point....

He's a really interesting guy, I'm not trying to bash him, we obviously had different life styles and life philosophies, but he was a very smart interesting guy. We sorta keep in touch through fb a "like" here and there, nothin more. I definitely do not regret my relationship with him. I learned a lot and he introduced me to some awesome things so I def appreciate the time I had with him... but yeah, we are def on 2 different planets. And, now looking back, I respect him for ending it, i mean he was smart to do it, but he could've done it on different terms... but I totally get where he was coming from, and what he was doing... it's kinda the philosophy I've been living.... date a person for 3 months and if u feel it u feel it, if u dont u end it.

My only regret is that i didn't tell him off for being a dick about the reason why he broke up with me :) hahaha

oh! and! well... my mother still continued to bother my ass about JDate bs until actually this year!!! So wow! that was .... 4 yrs ago! damn!! I mean we both won I think..... either way it took her 3-4 yrs to leave me alone about it!!!!

<3

Maybe, baby

Maybe I'm supposed to make an ass outta myself and write love letters to boys so that I know for sure I did all I could to do something about my feelings instead of letting them sit and linger...at least now I now who I can move on from, right?

Maybe it's a form of closure for me? Maybe it's closure for you?

Maybe this whole love life of mine is just a bunch of lessons prepping me for the real deal? Which I guess will make it all worth it in the end...right?

Maybe just giving up 100% is the thing to do... well, not giving up, surrendering. Dude said not to panic, I'm trying not to but i'm obviously not doing a great job at it.. i mean look at my fucking blog! Shit.

How can I do this differently? I keep wanting to just take a year off and just focus on myself but somehow I forget about that promise to myself and I get lost in a web of messy boy business.

Anyways, this post is blah and I'm not feeling too confident about this blog.... should I continue on with stories of past boys? Should I write stories about each of the boys in my little black book? I was thinking about writing about the Zohan one...hahaha maybe I'll write that next... sometime this week perhaps, yah?

don't fuck with the zohan! haha amongst other things :)

<3

Bulls and Horns

So, I was gonna start this post out by saying something like "you know how I can be really lame about love and fighting for it and all that crap?" but then I stopped myself and said to myself... dude, I am not lame for believing in love and for fighting for it and for loving love so hard. I'm not lame at all, I'm just a mothafuckin' lover of love! Is that so bad?

I have mentioned this person a few times but I never really had a post devoted to him. I was debating writing out my history with this boy, but I don't think I will. Now, I know I almost fall in love with every boy I meet... it's more-so like an infatuation, than love... then reality sets in and I'm like "oh, hmm... yeah.. naaahhh." I'm glad that recently I've been able to be more quick to  know whether being with a certain person is worth my time, even though there is that infatuation.... I shouldn't say worth my time.... I should say.... whether being with a certain person is the right thing to do at this time in my life. I know I'm ready for a serious relationship and I know what I want and what I don't want... well I primarily know what I don't want, which I guess leads me to know what it is that I do want... Anyways!!! I'm glad I'm a better judge with all of this...

Another thing I want to mention is that this past year or 2??? I have been able to get over past "infatuations" and exes and blah blah blah.... i think? haha And! I feel like I've been grabbing love by the horns... possibly??? hopefully??? maybe I'm delusional in that aspect? haha

This one though, this one.... he's got a hold on me.  Ok, fine! Maybe I'll give a brief description of my relationship with him. I've mentioned him a few times but I don't think in detail. I think I even recently gave him the name Mr. Orange. The first time I lived in CA Mr. Orange and I dated casually. He lived an hour away from me but we saw each other almost every weekend... from what I can remember? Maybe every other weekend at times.... it was a casual relationship ... and it was an awesome one. It wasn't a  fuck-and-leave casual relationship. It was one where we spent time doing things... we went to museums and went on dates, comedy clubs, movies blah blah ... we had fun! He had just gotten out of a serious relationship so he didn't want anything serious... i kinda wanted it (of course), but I was cool with the casualness as well.

So, then I moved back east and that obviously ended. We've been in touch ever since. He's a really great guy. Even though we don't talk every day or every week, he has always popped up in my life when I've struggled and he's been extremely supportive. Like, insanely, amazingly supportive. He's an all around awesome guy.

Anyways, that was a really short description of him... I'm keeping his description short and sweet... I dunno why I don't want to like write a novel about him like I have with others....

Y'know how I've sorta been grabbing the bull by its horns? I did with this one too. I wrote him an email. I really really feel strongly about him, he's always been in the back of my mind and I've always felt that there was unfinished business with him and I. I wrote him to express my feelings and to find out whether it was worth it for me to hold on to these feelings. He doesn't live in CA anymore but he still lives far away. I wasn't asking for a long distance relationship because we all know that'll just fuck shit up. I just wanted to know if there could be a possibility for us if/when geographical circumstances were different.

Here's the thing... with Mr. Hands and Mr. High School I liked them a lot I did, but I ended it with them because I knew/felt that they weren't in it as much as I was. With this guy, Mr. Orange, I know he has feelings for me... I do. I just don't know how serious and I want to know what his thoughts are on this. We've talked about us jokingly, but I just want to know. That's a problem of mine. I always just want to know everything and I pry too much sometimes, and sometimes I don't pry at all!

I wrote, what I think, to be a pretty good letter! But! I guess it might've been confusing? I dunno, he text me as soon as he read it and there was some kind of misunderstanding. Anyways.... I tried to clear up the confusion... and I haven't heard from him since. Which is okay, I get it... he's gotta take time to process it and marinate on it and what not... I get it. BUT! haha there's always a but! I'm kinda like... eeep!! waiting!! waiting! waiting! I'm seriously on edge. Whatever the outcome, it'll be okay. I just, i'm fighting for this.

I feel really level headed about this too. Which might be unbelievable coming from me :) But I'm trying to take the neccessary precautions. Like, I'm trying to be realistic.... even though me writing a "love letter" (hahaha) to a boy 2000 miles away isn't really realistic, my feelings in this is more realistic than I think they've ever been. If things turn out to be positive with him I'd be really excited to take it slow and to not rush into something.

Anyways, we'll see. Until I get a response, I'm just gonna be wrapped up in anticipation (said the way Time Curry does in Rocky Horror).... and if I don't get a response... then that'll be my answer and  I'll slowly let it go.

In conclusion, grab the bull by its horns and just fuckin' go for what you want! While it might seem pointless, who the fuck cares, just do it! It felt really random just writing him the letter, but seriously, why wait? Why not just dive in? And, while you might get hurt doing so, it'll at least make you stronger and it'll save you time and energy!

<3

ADLD

Before I get into the meat of this post, I'd just like to say how much I LOVE Sunday mornings! I wake up, semi-early, put on my robe and slippers, heat up some water and sit at my kitchen table with my coffee and lap top.  So here I am, sitting at my messy kitchen table with my sink full of dirty dishes behind me, completely content with my coffee and the warmth my home has to offer :) Definitely taking a step in the right direction towards loving this whole thing... this whole apple orchard way of life... skipping my way down a beaten and bare path to my gold rush trees.... anyways!


ADLD!!!?!?!?!

What is this new epidemic, this new neuropsychiatric condition!! Okay, I know I shouldn't make fun of serious things, but to me, this is serious!

Attention Deficit Love Disorder

I was studying the other day for a midterm and I could not, for the life of me, focus! Then, while I was driving to class that night, it hit me! I have ADLD! When I fall for boys, when I begin relationships my head is all over the place, it's rewired, I cannot focus... or I actually focus too much! It's almost like I focus way too much that my thoughts are a mess that causes me to not think clearly! Does that make sense!? I can't just pay attention to the now and what is happening right now in relationships because I am too busy thinking about tomorrow and next year.. will this last, will it not, does he like me as much as I like him, I don't want to do anything that'll freak him out...blah blah blah.

It might not be linked entirely to ADD, but that's the first thing that popped up in my head. I seriously feel like I become a different person when I'm with a boy I really like. Something in me shuts down and I'm like "WAHHH!!!!!!".... with a nice calm smile on my face.

I know people can't think clearly when they like someone because they're all infatuated and "ahh he/she is so dreamy," you wander off. But I seriously sometimes think something is wrong with me! haha I don't remember ever being like this until recently. Wait... nevermind... I can.

So, what's the cure? Is there a form of Ritalin for this type of disorder? There isn't, unfortunately. So, my ADLD friends, where do we go from here? (I understand I just put you all in the same bag as me, I know not all of you have ADLD, it's just so lonely in this psycho-loveless life!!!!! sigh... :) ) I can either give the cheesy expected advice and say "well, the only cure to this is self actualization and believing in yourself," or I could tell you to find some kinda drug that's like a truth serum or something that will leave you careless but who wants that kind of numbness? Fine, cheesy advice wins because I can't really think of anything else!!!

I gotta believe in myself more. It's something I realize I struggle with like crazy! This is, truly, I think, my only cure to ADLD. If I focus more on me and build a strong trusting relationship with myself I won't have to worry about tomorrow, the future, whether he really likes me or not, and I'll  hope that I'll freak him out and that he accepts me with open arms!

Ya know, I really like the whole metaphor of the dating world being like an over-picked apple orchard (read last weeks post). I'm going to keep that in mind. So far I think it's the best way that will help me visualize and feel comfortable with this journey I'm on. There's another thing for you to think about, maybe come up with a relateable life event or activity or something that can help you deal with whatever qualms you may be struggling with, if you are struggling with any at all.  I really believe that there are Gold Rush apple trees just waiting for me to pick. Great way to tie in last weeks post!!! ::pat on back::

Maybe my apple orchard is my ritalin.

<3

Apple Pickin'

So, I went apple pickin the other day with a friend of mine. I was telling her I didn't know what to write about for this weeks blog post. I had some ideas about things my coworkers and I bitch about... how we always give men excuses, how they are all up in our grills the first month or so and then disappear. It's like, you get used to a way someone treats you and then when they stop doing it, it's hard to adjust or to even take it without taking it personally..... anyways.... I didn't want to write another post bitching about men.

My friend gave me a good idea. She told me to write about the apple picking and how our experience is very much like the dating world. I mean, when we started into the orchard all the trees were bare. No apples in sight. As we got deeper into the orchard we saw a few apples here and there hanging on the branches.... they were all scarred, bruised, or rotten. There were also a bunch of rotten ones hanging out on the ground. The further we got away from the entrance, the deeper we got, the more apples we found. We passed by people walking back to the entrance with full boxes. I remember being jealous, I wanted that happiness, the fulfillment of finding my very own apple... picking my very own apple from a tree. Finally, we hit a gold mine far far off from the entrance. Granted along the way we did steal some apples that were sitting ever so nicely in boxes here and there... we think they were strategically placed there. Anyways, in the end, we found our apples! Gold Rush apples!

You start off with nothing. Then you go through ones that are tattered and torn. The good ones are already picked. Then, eventually, hopefully, you find your mecca. You find your tree full of fruit to offer you. There are no rotten ones, none that are bruised or scarred, all the good ones are there waiting for you.

I guess finding your future husband is like apple picking. You enter the orchard of men all wide eyed and excited, full of anticipation, hope, your heart is wide open. In the distance you see a few but as you get closer you find out that they are rotten, they're not good enough for you, they'll just give you an upset stomach. As you trudge through the rotten trees, you begin to loose hope but you know, you know there's gotta be someone out there. It's tough on the heart when you see everyone around you happy and in love and you're still going through the battlefield. Then finally, you find the one.

hahaha... I know I repeated the scenario over and over.. I just felt that I couldn't get it right...but I'm pretty sure you get my drift. I'm gonna keep on walking through the orchard with my head held high, because I know my tree is out there, just waiting to be picked... until then, I'll steal a few glances here and there and possibly entertain the idea of a rotten apple... inspect it a bit.. maybe it wont be so bad while I'm trudging along :)

Now, what to do with the apples? Apple sauce? Apple pie? Apple butter? Apple dumplings? Apple cake? etc.... hehehe

<3

Loverut

I feel like I'm stuck in a loverut.... it's a rut that's got everything to do with love.

It's funny, Ive been obsessively re-watching Felicity on netflix and there was this one eps that they had fun with and it was about Felicity going to The Clinic to fix her broken heart. The Clinic turned out to be some place they took out your heart and replaced it with something else so you wouldnt feel the emotion of heartache, but with the lack of heartache came the lack of love. She realizes that she would rather feel the pains of love if that meant she could feel the joys of love too.

I too would rather feel the pains of love so i could feel the joys of love. But for now, I'm in love-rut heartache central. Not only that though, I feel some weird changes happening inside my head and heart. I guess I'm not in a love-rut and I'm not suffering from heartache (okay maybe just a little) but I seriously don't want to entertain any seducers unless I feel that its worth it... unless I feel that it could be serious.

Like Mr. Gym for example, the twin, I knew right away not to entertain the idea...then I was like "ehh maybe I could try it." And, well, maybe it's that he's suuuper young that he's super immature and doesn't know how to treat a woman, or maybe he just doesn't know how to treat a woman, period. But just entertaining him and letting him distract me was pretty pathetic. The only romantic thing about him was the craigslist post.

I had a dream with Mr. High School in it last night. I don't know why but I can't stop thinking about him. I was actually talking about him to my coworker and I was telling her how he was like the first guy I've ever been with that really was a man. A real MAN. He wasn't a boy, or a boy trying to be a man, he was/is 100% man. It made me feel like a woman.... he made me feel like a woman. Now that I think about it, maybe if him and I aren't meant to be maybe the thing that I miss about him was me. I mean, let me back track, I think about him a lot, and I wonder if I could've done things differently and I've felt the need to apologize to him and have wanted to so many times but haven't, and a big part of me wants him in my life. Maybe I'm mixed up and maybe I'm not missing him but I'm missing the feeling I felt when I was with him, the feeling of being a woman to this man.

So, I guess that's what I need. I need a MAN who makes me feel like a WOMAN. Then I digress and say to myself, but, I wanna be his woman, and then I need to snap out of it because that obviously isn't happening.

Lame post, but I think I'm getting somewhere. Slowly.... slowly realizing the things that are important to me, and the things that I want. And...possibly, slowly realizing that I do deserve better and not entertaining the thought of some little Mr. Gym who thinks that sending pics of his abs will excite me.

Anyways, I'm trying to make a conscious decision to just not care about boys or think about them or focus my time on them, but not just boys, love as well. I've been thinking of chopping off my hair as a new beginning, to let go of all the weight (figuratively), and maybe it'll act as a good male deterrent, not that they're lining up or anything.....

we'll see...
until next time!

<3

Mr. Cupcake Connection Revisited

Remember way back in March this story popped up Mr. Cupcake Connection? Who would think there would be a sequel to this love (?) story! Since that's happened Mr. Cupcake has still come in to deposit checks by himself or with his twin brother.. yes... did I mention last post he has a twin brother? Well, he does.

Anyways, Mr. Cupcake really is a sweet cute dude but yes, I turned him down because of his age. It's a shame, and I know I shouldn't base things on age but I'm not sure I'm comfortable being that much older than a dude. Age really is just a number, right?! ugh.....

So, there I was sitting at my kitchen table, surfing the web. I decided to check out what was going on on Craigslist for jobs.... sofas... and... missed connections! hehehe Whenever I go on Missed Connections I always put my banks name in the search engine... I see so many customers in the day, that really is my primary means (right now) for meeting potential husbands... even though it really is a limited bunch (i think i mentioned it in Mr. Cupcake Connection post it's either hot young art students or my age and older pretentious business men.). I search my bank and BAM!!! Clear as day.. even clearer than before... MY WHOLE NAME!!!! my namee!!! My name was the subject line to the post " My Name at My Bank in Center City." SHOCKED!!!!! I click it... I read it... it says this:

"You work as a teller at BANK in center city on BLANK street. Your name is MY NAME you always are my bank teller. I would love to take you out sometime. You always make my day when I see you."

Hot Damn!! Could this be it! Could this be the one?!?!!?! Naturally, I reply.  I say this:

hey, 

so... waaah!? hehe Seeing my name up there was WOA!

Anyways, what's your name? Or better yet describe yourself! I'd like to try and see if I know you before you tell me who you are! Also, what type of transactions do you do?... hahaha... let's have fun with this!

Take Care

He replies telling me that he goes in to deposit his pay check and that he comes in with his twin once in a while..... twin... did you catch that? he comes in with his twin. Now, I'm even more in shock and possibly entirely confused. Could this be the twin of Mr. Cupcake?? That would be too coincidental and can I say... INSANE?! I reply back to him asking him if his brother was Mr. Cupcake... sure enough it was. I mean, I've heard of twins being in sync and all this other bizarre stuff... but what are the chances of both of them fuckin' putting up Craigslist missed connection adds and both being into me like that's just bizarre!?

Confused I reply with this: 

 

Hey
so, a few things!

1. I appreciate your kind words. You're a super handsome fella :) (he said I was gorgeous)
2. I know your brother because he did the same thing. So......
3. Part of me is confused by this because i don't know if its coincidental or if ya'll are playin me haha


hope you're having a good day...??..eep...aside from this lil confusion....

 

 Anyways, let me cut to the chase.... we exchanged numbers.... and we've been texting back and forth... I dunno what compelled me to give this one (we'll call him Mr. Gym .. he works at a gym and is all about fitness and blah blah... which is someplace I am not), a chance as opposed to Mr. Cupcake. They're both the same freakin' age! And!! On top of it, I probably have more in common with Mr. Cupcake given that he works at the cupcake place and I love to bake and eat and Mr. Gym works at a gym and works out everyday and I'm a lazy ass!!!! I guess there's just something different about Mr. Gym..... I told Mr. Gym that I don't want to rush into anything and that I'm not sure I'm looking for a romantic relationship. Which surprised me when I text that because while I want love in my life, I feel like I'm not ready for it.... well there's that and... there's.....this..

I keep thinking about Mr. High School and I need to just stop thinking about him. Remember the last time I really conversed with him I tried to get him back and I like gave him my soul and I got no response so I was hurt and then told him not to text me for a while. Well... that was a little over a month ago.... Last week I kinda broke down and text him to say hey... I wanted to tell him I still think about him, but from the vibe that I got from him via text it seemed that he didn't really want anything to do with me (then again this is an assumption I'm getting... via freakin' text where nothing is ever clear). In any case, I'm sure  he has no feelings for me. In fact, I think I might've hurt him, I dunno, I wanted to apologize and blah blah.. but I feel like I really need to let it all go. I dunno why he's got such a hold on me. 

In conclusion, I just need to tell Mr. Gym that the age thing isn't for me, I can't get over the age difference. There's the age and there's also a part of me that feels guilty about not giving his brother a chance too.  I also need to really let go of Mr. High School. We have our 10yr high school reunion coming up, and part of me wants to go just so I can see him... but I don't think that's a smart move. 

Okay! the end! that's it!!!! It's insane how in sync twins really can be.

Happy Sunday! Have a great rest of the week!

 

 

<3

Mr. Asshole

Okay... where do I begin this 10  yr saga!!! OY!

So, I don't know if you remember, but back in the day the internet and meeting people online was a booming thing. If i look back at some of my diaries from like middle school I write about boys I met online and how i had crushes on them and blah blah blah. I would meet them in lame chatrooms. Well, when I was on AOL I would search for people that had the same interests as me.... one of them was Sublime. I met Mr. Asshole on the internet because he liked Sublime. He was 2 years younger than me.

Mr. Asshole was/still is a depressed wreck. I mean maybe he's happier now that he's an "adult" I don't know, but with me he always made out his life to be some horrible depressing worthless thing. I fell for this. I'm pretty sure that I'm the type of girls that goes for broken guys so I can help fix them. Well I don't only go for them, I've had some semi-broken and all together guys. Not that there's anything wrong with either kind. I'm just miss fix-it and always wanna help dudes out and heal up their hearts because everyone deserves love and a happy existence!! (okay ill stop with the cheese)

Anyways, our romance started via chatting online. We share the same birthday and I thought it was a sure sign we were meant to be.... actually i didn't believe him at first because anyone can lie about their birthday!!! (Don't worry, I don't do that). I wrote about him and our first kiss Peck and then later on in a Closure post as well. So, if you've been reading, I guess you know how my mind works, I fall fast and create lovely fantasies. I thought he was "the one," I remember imagining our kids running around with heads full of crazy curly hair. When I met Mr. Asshole on the internet it was I guess my Junior or Senior year of high school?

Then I went away to college and the college I went to was much closer to him than where I grew up. So we met for the 2nd time (the first time i wrote about in the Peck post). He came to visit me and it was a wonderful time. He visited me twice and I visited him once. If you remember my post about Mr. First Love, both of these timelines coincide. Like I said before, Mr. Asshole was a depressed boy, and he would just sabotage anything good, so it was hard to be with him when we weren't hanging out. I couldn't handle it anymore and Mr. F.L. was a stable dude and my feelings were growing stronger for him. So I ended it with Mr. Asshole and dated Mr. F.L for 3.5 yrs.

Damn, this is a really long story.... so we kept in touch still over the years. He moved to CA for culinary school and I was on the east coast, then moved to southern CA when he was in WA, he found new loves, i found new loves blah blah but we would still keep in touch. Anyways, he moved back to the east coast about 3 yrs ago? The same time I did from CA. 

This time is when he got the approved stamp of Mr. Asshole. I let him be an ass to me for a while and just took it as his depression and blah blah.. but this was overboard! So, about 3 yrs ago I moved back from LA and we were excited to be on the same coast and closer finally. So, he came to visit me first. I showed him around the city and he was way more open and excited since the last time I saw him which was probably 5 prior. DAMN! Then I went and visited him in NYC and we walked around and cooked a delish dinner. I can't remember if he came to visit me a second time or not?? I don't think so... then, once, mid week, he asked me to come over and spend the night a random spur of the moment thing. I had the day off the next day so I figured "why not?" I guess he thought I'd say no but I said yes.

I took the Chinatown bus out of philly at 9pm? Got to NYC at 11pm and I remember making a mental note of the last and final bus leaving NYC at 1130 just in case things got fucked. On the bus ride up he said he was gonna meet up with me at the station in NYC, perfect! So, I get there at 11pm, and he's nowhere in sight.... so in the back of my head I knew it was gonna be bad but I still gave it all the benefit of the doubt (something I need to stop doing). I walked to a McDonalds near by cuz they were open 24hrs. I was sitting there and you can imagine the type of people that were there at that time of night.

I waited I think a half hour before I finally got a reply from him, after profusely trying to get in touch with him of course. He said he forgot he promised he'd hang with his coworker at a bar near his work and if I could meet him at his work. He worked at Whole Foods, the one close to ground zero. So, mind you its like close to midnight and I don't have a great idea of where I'm going. I hop on the train and get off the stop that he told me to... from gettin out I had no idea where I was heading so I kind of walked in circles and stopped a few people, the few that there were at this time of night, and asked directions.

I finally found myself in front of Whole Foods. I call/text him for the next 10-15 min, because he of course wasn't there. Finally I get a hold of him and he tells me to meet him at the bar, and its just down the street. Finding the bar was the easiest thing all night. So, I get to the bar and find him and his female coworker already wasted. He kisses and hugs me and tells me how much he loves me. He then gets me several shots. I start to get wasted. I remember his arm was bandaged up and he was telling me and the coworker that I made him do that, which was confusing. Yet he still told me how much he loved me. Then at one point he dared me and the coworker to hook up. I said no because I already felt some weird vibes going on. So then she kissed him and they were hard core making out in front of me.

I was pissed...naturally. Here in front of me is a guy who I dreamed living a life with, I dreamed up our kids. Here he was hooking up with this bitch while telling me he loved me.

They stop kissing and he goes back to getting wasted. Then... THEN!!!! He gets up to go to the bathroom. Now, the bathrooms in this bar wasn't like a ladies room and a mens room with several stalls. It was one person bathrooms. He goes, and she said she had to go too.... so I watch him go into one and her follow him. Theyre there for several minutes and I'm there shocked sitting at the bar alone. It was already 1 or 2 at this time and I remember looking out the window across the street and thinking about just staying at the hotel there. They finally get back and he tells me he loves me. I moved away from him and sat at a table by myself because I needed to regroup.. I was wasted and I needed to regroup. I called a friend in CA to get some advice.. I dont remember much of that convo. Then he followed me to the booth and told me how much he loved me and that he was sorry.

Gosh, my heart is beating so fast reliving this evening.... I told him to shut up and that I didn't believe him. The bar closes and we leave. She of course is coming over to sleep over too. We hop on the train on the way to brooklyn. Midway I have to pee soooo bad!!! We stop at union sq and pee at a convenient store. Then we decide to just take a cab home. On the way home he's sitting next to me telling me how much he loved me. While the girl is like trying to mack it with him.

We get to his place, his card doesnt work because I think he maxed it out at the bar? And the girl was passed out... so I had to pay for the cab ride! woot. We get up to his place and he tells me to sleep in his room and he was gonna set up the couch for the chick. I told him they should take the bed and I'm fine with the couch. He refused so fine, I took the bed.

I passed out and woke up at like 8. I had to piss like a racehorse at this point. So, I got up to go pee. Now, in order to get to the bathroom, when exiting his room you walked right into the living room and you had to walk between the couch and coffee table to get to the bathroom. I open the door, and there I see them ... him on top of her, getting it on, on the couch. I walk pass them. I pee. I walk by them again, at this point they're pretending to be asleep...hahaha. I get my shit together. Realize my sneakers are somewhere in the living room. I go in the living room, she's in the bathroom and he's pretend passed out on the couch. I walk out of the apt shaking in shock with everything that went on. I put my sneakers on. I go to the corner store and ask directions to the nearest train stop. Once I get to Chinatown I got a text from him asking why I left, and that I was no fun. I think i text him to fuck off and I called him and left him a voice message telling him he's worthless and blah blah blah

I didn't hear from him until last year, which was a year later. Apologizing for what happened and realizing what he lost and telling me that when he meditates all he sees is me. Of course I'd eat that shit up, and of course I'd reconsider giving him a bajillionth chance.  We talked for like a month or 2 but he still was an ass full of nothing lacking any kind of substance.

Yet, to this day, when life gets rough I want to contact him and cry on his shoulder. This past year was so tough, and there were so many times I just wanted to contact him to either seek comfort or to yell at. It's insane how I can still bear feelings for someone so disrespectful, so hurtful, and thoughtless.

Of course I wish him well.

Anyways... sigh.... that's Mr. Asshole. Ruined my dreams, broke my heart, and probably changed me in great ways and increased my lack of trust.... something I need to work on.

<3

---------------------------
After posting this I was doing some thinking in the shower and realized I needed to add a few things to this already long ass post :) Looking back on this night is just something I laugh about cuz it was just something so completely ridiculous. I also learned a few things too well still learning a few big things that should come out of this:

1. It's okay if your dreams do not come true. I know we are taught to fight for what we believe in and for our dreams. But I think it's important to realize that there are some dreams that arent worth fighting for when it comes to the expense of your self love and integrity.
2. I've written about this plenty 'o time... stop having crazy expectations. Now, I realize that the expectation to be treated as a human being isn't one I shouldn't expect... I unfortunately expected it from a person that didn't know what that was. It's important to have high expectations for yourself, but it's also important to keep these high expectations realistic and grounded. 
3. Relationships end for a reason. No need to create ideas in your head that they're the one. Life isn't a RomCom or a tragic romance love story. No need to rehash it and try it again and again and again. It's only going to cause you and your partner more unnecessary heartache. 
4. I feel like there was something else but maybe it'll come to me another time :)

So that's that. I think thats the for real end of this post.
live long and prosper... hahaha

<3

confused

ugh

i am so utterly confused about love and everything

i feel like i suck at this love thing

my head is being pulled in 2 different directions and both directions are oblivious to this struggle

and i question my thoughts and feelings, are they real or are they fantasy?

i feel like things were simpler back in the day.... remember in high school when u crushed on sum1 and they crushed on u and u went to the movies and kissed and that was it?

like my last post... sex does destroy innocence and sincerity... i mean it doesn't entirely but its just a whole different ball game.

anyways, i dunno...

maybe i blind myself to the reality of love because I want it so bad. If only I could read peoples minds.... if only I could see the future... gah this is lame...

my friend was telling me I should take more risks... i feel like i have taken risks... but i guess i need to continue taking them.... and i know i always bitch but why cant someone take a risk for me?

I sometimes think/feel I might be going crazy to want something like this so bad. To want love, to want commitment, to want marriage, to want a partner in life.

I create fantasies and ideas and ideals and I have to force myself to get back on the ground and be realistic. Why do I have to dream unrealistic things. Why is it I dream that certain boys are "the one" when they're not. Why do I always feel this strong sense of "he's the one."  I'm blinding myself.

I am seriously love sick.... I'm sick of love, love is seriously driving me crazy and I really do worry myself sometimes. This is too much, it can be too overwhelming... someone call me a doctor, I need some kinda anti-love potion.

I just reactivated my okcupid account on a whim and I was looking at some of these guys and all I could think was "they're not him." But who the fuck knows if HE is it? I was on there for not more than 2 min.. maybe even a minute... and i felt sick to my stomach.

Anyways, this is just my mid-week crisis.  I'll recover soon enough......

On a lighter note!!!!

cant wait to get to writing about Mr. Asshole!! It's a wonderfully entertaining story to tell..... hahahaha!

love love love

<3

p.s. I know I was gonna try and stop the bitching and complaining, but  I just had to throw this one out there. :)

Makin whoopee!

Taking a mini break from writing posts on past loves :) This weeks blog post was brought on from watching The Bachelor Pad.....

So, I'm a sucker for anything The Bachelor/Bachelorette related. It's a guilty pleasure :) I've been watching The Bachelor Pad, and while it frustrates the shit out of me, I still watch it. (The frustration is due to the fact that Vienna and Kasey are still on it!! UGH!) Anyways!!! In last weeks episode they had a competition called The Nearlywed Game and it was just like the Newlywed game so you get the idea... One question came up "How many dates before your partner makes whoopee?" Then hearing the answers, whether they were true or not, was a shocker to me.

For some reason, at some point in time, maybe 5 years ago or so, I subconsciously made the decision, a rule, that I'd have to go on 3 days and then making whoopee was acceptable. After watching this weeks episode it was a true eye opener! Some said like 7 some said 30. Then I asked the girls at work and they too were leaning definitely towards more than 3 dates! I was like "damn!! am I that easy?" When in reality, maybe I just don't give myself enough credit!

Fine, with some people and some relationships it just happens when it happens.. on the first, second third whatever date and there are no rules and regulations. For the most part, with the ppl that I know that gave it up on the first date it was mostly because it was with the love of their lives... but then you have the other side of the spectrum the one night stands and blah blah blah... but one night stands are a totally different topic so scratch that.

Anyways, I thought about it, and was thinking that maybe if I did add more dates before making whoopee, maybe my relationships would have more meaning. Maybe I wouldn't run into an issue like I did with the most recent dude I was with. While sex is AMAZING it can also be destructive. There are times I wish Mr. High School and I were still hanging out but sex kinda ruined it all. I'd honestly be willing to hold off on sex for like a whole year to be able to have a meaningful relationship where the connection was enough... well that and make out sessions :) hehe

This whole thing was like a huge epiphany! I need to give myself more meaning and the other person more meaning and the relationship more meaning too. I need to respect myself more. Because ya know what guys and gals... what I'm about to say may be super personal and blah blah but whatever it is what it is...I think the reason why I put out so early on is because I feel like that is the only way I can keep a guy. It's sad but true. We are surrounded by sex all over and this idea that like it's all that dudes want, and in reality I know it's not, but it's what I grew up knowing. So, why would it be odd that I would think that that's the only way I can keep a dude.

Anyways, that's my confession, and with that confession I'm making a rule that I'm going to wait longer. I'm not saying how long, but I need to believe I'm worth the wait.

In every aspect of my life I need to learn to trust and believe in myself. This is one way I can do that.

Well, that's that... next week I hope to write about Mr. Asshole :) The second "love of my life" ugh... vomit.... hahaha

Until next time, have a wonderful week!!!!

<3

Reassessment

Okay, I feel like I've lost track of what my purpose of this blog is.. if there even is a solid purpose. It started out as a way to have fun and document relationship mishaps and wonders as a single lady. Thinking about it I think I've done a whole lot of complaining and whining.... it annoys me, so it MUST annoy you.

I was thinking, how about a start at the beginning?

I know I posted two blogs Nostalgia Part 1 and Part 2, kind of sketching up an idea of what my "love life" was like from my very first kiss and on into high school. That stuff sort of shaped me in a small way, maybe in a bigger way too, who knows. So, I'm going to try and go back in time and look at the relationships I had as an adult?? No one is really an adult after high school... late teens early twenties until now. And hopefully I can find some morals to those stories. I mean, I know I've learned a lot looking back at old relationships especially the one I had with my very first love.

The Story of Mr. First Love

I knew him in high school, we never really hung out or talked, we were in different circles but we had a mutual close friend (I'll name her Em). I didn't start hanging with Em until my junior or senior year of high school. Anyways, it wasn't until after graduating high school that I actually hung out and spent time with Mr. First Love. He was going through some stuff senior year so after graduation he stepped away from his circle and started hanging with Em, me, and another friend of ours (I'll call her Joy). That summer was an awesome summer! All four of us hung out a lot or some times it'd be em, joy and Mr. First love, or me, joy and Mr. F.L. It was fun! Then I went away to college up in NY but me and Mr. F.L. were still very much in touch. The fun times turned a bit sour... a love triangle formed, or what have you. Joy wanted Mr. F.L., and so did I. I guess Mr. F.L.  and me had a stronger connection? I don't know how to put it nicely because it was a really hard thing  and I still feel guilty about it.. it broke up a strong friendship I had with Joy,  and I know it's all about chicks before dicks, but I thought he was the one. (As an aside Joy and I recently started to re-kindle our friendship :) )

So, winter of '01- '02 was when things really started off with Mr. F.L. and I. I shared our first kiss in a past blog post his is Forgetful. Looking back he really was a romantic and he and I were really in love, since things started with the first kiss we really tried to spend as much time together as we could. Summer of '02 we took our first cross country road trip together.... it was awesome, until we got stuck in traffic somewhere in Wyoming and I basically demanded he love me. I couldn't understand why he could love his car and materialistic things but he couldn't say he loved me. White Flag on my part (I surrender to this mistake), you can't force people to love you on your terms/time.

This was a 3 year relationship so I'm gonna try and make this blog post not so long :) After my first year in college I transferred to a school back home, I was closer to my love! I lived with Em, and another friend of ours.  Those 2 years were full of love and war. It wasn't until a year or two ago that I realized that men love differently than women do. Since realizing I know that Mr. F.L. really loved me. At times back then I think I needed more love from him. But he was at my place all the time, I was at his place all the time, he got me a sewing machine one year for my birthday which is a big deal considering we were poor college student back then. He did so much for me.

I'm not saying he was mr. perfect and I was miss. bitch. Because there's a reason why we are no longer. Fine I didn't recognize or understand his language of love, but there were other things that I couldn't handle. I'm not going to get into the details but he just wouldn't listen or understand me when I spoke about my feelings. When I would share how I felt he would take the defense and made it my fault. We took another cross country road trip summer '03 that ended horribly... somewhere mid- U.S. we got into a fight that ended in him driving all the way back east and us not speaking to one another. Then Fall of '04 we went on a backpacking trip around Europe... that trip I must say was the best trip we took. We had a lot of fun when we were together, we explored the world!

Winter '05 we moved to NY together. That's when things went downhill. I was distracted with school and work and he was distracted with school and work as well. I guess we didn't have time to love one another... and I wasn't getting the love that I needed, so when some guy at work was sweet talking me I at it up. Don't start assuming I slept with him because I didn't. My life in NY was such a mess!!! So much shit happened. In short, Mr. F.L. and I weren't doing good, mr. rico suave at work kissed me then later on got arrested for robbing the place, I told Mr. F.L. of the kiss and he naturally got pissed. Then I got accepted to a school out west... it was my sunshine ticket out of the dark hole I dug myself into.

When moving out Mr. F.L. and I were still together. I wanted to do a long distance thing, he really wasn't for it. I moved to CA summer of '05. Mr. F.L. and I were still in contact, things were up in the air but I never considered us being over... and it wasn't until later that I learned he did.  That winter vacation I went back home to visit. January 2nd or 3rd I went to NY to visit Mr. F.L. and stayed there for like 2 days in our old apt. It was a bit depressing, being in that place that was once OURS. I think it was my first night there that I realized it was over between us. I don't even remember the time we spent together when I visited, it was all erased because that night we went to bed and in short I'll just say that he said another girls name.  Turns out new years eve his ex gf came to visit him... I wanted to throw up my heart. That was it. That was the end.

I hadn't seen him until a couple months later for Ems wedding and he told her brother that we were over because I moved to CA, and this I hated so much because he never took his actions into account. I know I focused on the nice things he did for me and I didn't write much about what I did for him. But I loved him hard when we were together, I made him things... like, every year of our relationship I would sew him an abnormal teddy bear, I know this isn't much but it's just one little example. I show my love through craft and kisses. I wasn't perfect either I know this. We were young and still had so much to learn. And maybe we were better friends than lovers?

Anyways I tried to make this short. In short, I think what I learned from this was that:

1. Men love differently than women  and it's important to recognize their way of loving and show your appreciation... and vice versa, men.
2. You can't force people to love you.
3. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! I think a lot of the problems we had, focused on miss-communication and NOT communicating enough and not showing empathy.

It took me a while to see these lessons. It's hard to remember to put them into practice as well. I still have trouble communicating, and it wasn't until I was with Mr. High School that I was able to appreciate the way he showed his like (I know he didn't love me haha!).  Forcing people to love you, well, everyone wants to be loved!!!!! haha In all seriousness though, I don't think I've forced anyone to love me since then.  I might've influenced my most recent serious ex I don't know if I gave him a name... I'll call him Mr. Comicon. That's a story for another time!


<3

change

i was talking to a friend tonight about boys
and she seems to be kinda stuck in a rut, similar to my Mr. High School rut, and i basically gave her the same advice that was given to me. I mightve elaborated a bit more and gave a bit more advice, but the heart of it was the advice that ive been given many many times. You just really can't change a person. No matter how hopeful u are and how much u think ur love will be strong enough to change the person you just cant. so it leaves you with 3 options:

1. realize u can't change the person and move on
2. if his/her negatives outweigh his/her positives, but not even that, really if u can deal with his/her negatives. No one is perfect, we all have our faults, so, can you accept him/her for his/her faults and...
3. What is your self worth. Now, with number 2 yeah u can learn to accept a person for who they are, it in a way is better than just throwing them to the curb, but the balance to all of this is if you feel like you have some sense of worth. Are you giving too much of urself in hopes this person will change, or are u giving too much of your self to balance out the acceptance of your partners faults? In the end things can work out but it really comes down to if you are ultimately happy in your situation. Are you being given the kind of love you need?

Not to always bring up Mr. High School but its the most recent thing I can talk about (and there's more to the story I havent written about.)  Ultimately those 3 reasons are why I ended it. I realized that Mr. High School was the way he was and there was no way that I could change/fix him (for some reason I'm one of those gals that's all about helping and taking care of the wounded boys....). Then I decided to be patient with him and decided that I accept him for who he is and really truly did, it took me breaking up with him to realize that but I did really accept him for who he was and I wanted to try it again and not have expectations of him and be more patient with him.  Then I begged for him back... I didn't hear from him for a week then I get a text from him last sunday night and he just wanted to see what was up, no mention of any of the conversation we had the week prior. That was when I realized that I was worth more. That was when I realized that I wasn't happy because my thoughts and emotions weren't being recognized at all. So, a few days later I asked him not to text me for a while because it just hurt me.

Im sorry to have turned my friends dilema into an explanation of my relationship with Mr. High School, but I hope I was able to help her.

Really, as much as we wish it to be possible, people NEVER change. I mean, they do change, people can change, but if they choose to change for themselves... so let me rephrase it. YOU can never change a person. You are not that powerful, and no matter how hard you love a person and no matter how much you think your love for that person is enough to change them.. it just isn't. It's all up to the individual, whether it be your lover, your friend, or your family.


So, with that being said, look deep within and find your self worth and find what makes you happy and what kind of love you need and if it's being fulfilled. In the end, you only have you, right? Let's make sure that you're happy.

<3

p.s. i didnt feel like being grammatically correct or whatever... it's late and i'm tired.

p.p.s yes, i survived the earthquake and hurricane! woot!

la la de da

So!!! Crazy how it's only been a week since my last post and I feel like I've done so much and have possibly grown and learned and breathed and enjoyed the things I could do for myself! I dunno if that made any sense.... here's whats been goin on with me!

Sunday Night

After a weekend with a guest/friend I haven't seen in 3 years I had a wonderful dinner with my bestie!! A much needed one :) We talked about our weekend and la de da and I talked about Mr. High School. Because, last weekend there were times anger came over me... anger and sadness. I talked it out with the bestie and I came to the conclusion that I really wanted to be with Mr. High School and I was gonna try to get him back. Now! This is something I've never really done before. This is something new. As I wrote in my post 2 weeks ago I broke up with Mr. High School as I did with Mr. Hands, really wanting them but not getting what I needed,  breaking up with them and ultimately hoping they'd come back. Neither of them did that, which is cool it only helps me get to my future hubby. Anyways! So I've never really chased after a guy.... and I never really thought that after ending things with Mr. High School, that I'd go crawling back to him... I didn't do that with Mr. Hands. In short, I was exploring new terrain and I wasn't sure which way it was going to go and I guess I was okay with that.

I text Mr. High School asking him if he'd be into coming over this week for dinner to talk because I'd really like to make it work. Long story short, the convo was pretty much left with the ball in his court. I told him I didn't want to push him into doing something he didn't want to do and that if he'd wanna hang he can let me know. He really is a good guy... unless I'm completely blind and he's playin me, but from what it seems he's a good guy. I was a bit hopeful but also kinda pretty much knew that I probably wouldn't hear from him... and I was right. I haven't heard from him since, and guess what? I'm okay with it. I really surprise myself sometimes!!!! I was totally torn and heartbroken when I ended it with him because I really didn't want to, I just needed to. Then I went beggin for him, he didn't bite and bam, the end. I think, I guess I'm not feelin' that bad about it because I know I tried, and I told him how I felt and nothing was left unsaid. I feel good about it.

Wednesday

I treated myself to a beautiful bouquet of flowers and cooked myself a delicious dinner.... I freakin romanced myself!

Thursday


I bought me a Kitchenaid mixer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another way of romancing myself!!


Saturday and Sunday


I painted my bedroom brown!!!! Something I've been dying to do because I hated the yellow color it was. This room was a bit of a challenge. I had my heart set on painting the whole room, then a friend suggested I only paint 2 walls I considered it because I got worried it'd be too dark with brown walls!!!! So I freaked sat night and sunday morning but I went back to my original idea of painting the whole room because guess what people... we can always paint it back!!! Anyways, I'm in love with my room!!! I put some awesome lighting and my colorful things just pop out it really is awesome! My brother helped me with the lighting!! Props to him <3


Conclusion

I'm feelin' great! I'm feeling the power of positivity. I'm feeling the enjoyment of romancing myself and doing things for myself and loving the things that I love and allowing myself to enjoy them. A lot of the times I guess I feel like I don't need to or deserve to take the time out to do little or big things for myself. These things matter. In the end you only have yourself you can depend on. 


I was talking with this boy, I've mentioned him several times, he's a friend....ex-lover from long ago...sigh...hehe.. anyways I'll call him Mr. Orange. He asked me if I was making a home for myself and I am. We got to talking about how I'm planning on being in this apartment for another 2-3yrs. I want to make this my home. I've moved around the past couple of years I want a stable place a stable ground a place where I can grow from. This is my home so why not make it me. I just felt empowered by the conversation and I felt a strong sense of confidence in myself. Even though I mentioned that if I meet my future husband and he wants to move someplace else I'd consider it (shit, I know I'd jump on that), aside from that I like that I was okay with the fact that I'd probably be living here by myself for the next 2-3yrs. I guess my path towards singledom acceptance has begun?

I still have my dreams though :) Especially since Mr. Orange and I have been talkin' a lot lately, haha... he's really been an amazing source of support for me this past year and ... well.. yeah, I'll leave it at that. It's really interesting how you can have different relationships with different people. It also necessarily doesn't lessen how you feel about each person in each relationship. We really are people of many faces. 

Woooosaaaah?

Alright folks!

Thanks for bearing with me in that last post! What an angry, bitter gal I was! sheesh!! I'm doin' much better... still get angry from time to time but I think with the help of friends I am able to take a step toward living a positive life perhaps?? I seemed so far away from that the other night didn't I? I still get angry once in a while not because I feel I'll be single forever but angry at Mr. High School because really, I feel this all could have been avoided, it's understandable the way things presented themselves, I get it, I just wish he had more faith in me. I'm not judging at all, he just needs to do him ... I wish I could help :)

A couple things... I really truly do want to try and live a more positive life. I feel like I should keep a list by my bedside to remind myself of that. If I want to be romanced it all has to start with me. I have to be okay with the fact that fine, I might have to buy myself flowers for a while and that's okay, buying flowers is something that will bring positivity in my life. I need to write a list of things that make me happy, things that I want to do and try and just go for. Like, I want to go rock climbing, so I looked up indoor rock climbing places, I want to get on that! It's important for me to know what makes me happy before I can expect any one else to.

With that being said, not that I have to learn to be okay with being single, I have to learn to just accept. I need to stop putting the pressure on myself and the universe and just let whatever happen happen. I need to learn to enjoy life whether it be with someone or not. So, I know I might have said this a couple of times before, but I'm going to stop searching high and low for love. I for real need to really really focus on me. I've tried it so many times before but I've always failed at doing so. This time I'm going to really give it  a good, solid 100% effort. And! I can't over think it, because that's when I fuck myself over, I just have to dive right into it. Follow my impulses, if you will.

Anyways, that's where I'm at... I don't know for how long or how short or whatever. But, that's where I'm at. The only person I can rely on to make me happy is me, and I owe myself a whole lotta love. This will be such a hard challenge because it is so easy to get trapped in the black hole. Today, I finally went to the beach with a friend, and we were having a good time. Then, midway I just got angry and I really felt like crying but I, of course, kept it all in. I did get easily agitated at one point. I just got so angry, again with this Mr. High School situation. I really truly like him and was really thinking that the possibility of something serious with him was in the future. Life doesn't always go as you planned or hoped it to be so what's the saying? "When life throws you lemons, make lemonade"?

 So.... let me get a lil table, buy me some cups, a lil tin can for change, a couple pitchers, couple bags of ice and a bunch o' bags o' lemons!!!! Oh! And a couple pounds of sugar.... gotta make the lemonade sweet!