Apologize!

Minus the Bounty part of this.... lets all sing this together!

I'm sorry..... so sorry.

I've recently been writing letters back and forth with this friend of mine who has done me wrong in the past. He apologized in his last letter to me, but what got to me, and this is something I've realized so many times before, was : WHY CAN'T MEN SAY THEY ARE SORRY. All you have to do is say or write "I'm sorry." Two very simple words. Very simple.

Now, I understand you have that fuckin' ego thing in the way but seriously... in all of my relationships with men not one that I can remember have ever said "I'm sorry" when they were clearly in the wrong. They have either 1. Denied it 2. Blamed it on me or 3. Said it in so many words just not by using those 2 simple words.

Gah!!!! It's just so frustrating. I know I'm being sexist here. I understand that both men and women have trouble apologizing. It just seems that every man I've run into, and men that some of my gals know, just don't have those 2 words in their vocabulary. It also seems that, okay, while these 2 words do exist in a males vocabulary they seem to vanish out of thin air once they enter a relationship. It's just all so confusing. I hope all of you that don't know how to own up to your shit, know that we do see that as you being weaker rather than stronger....right?

Anyways, maybe I'm being too negative about this all. I mean, maybe it is better that in the 3rd instance men do use all those words instead of "I'm sorry" because those other words, those acknowledgments, have more meaning? I hope that makes sense...

Take me for example. I apologize all the fuckin' time. I apologize way too much. I apologize so much that my coworker has started yelling at me about it. So maybe that makes my "I'm sorries" less meaningful? For stupid little things that clearly aren't my fault or I have no reason to be apologetic for my "I'm sorries" mean nothing. When it comes to serious matters, if I realize that I'm in the wrong, I will say "I'm sorry" and I will fuckin' mean it.

I get that having to say your sorry is a really hard thing to do, I get it. Denial isn't going to get you anywhere, because denial only means that you know you're in the wrong and you can't be strong enough to just give it up. Blaming me is complete bullshit, that just shows how unrealistic you are. Saying you're sorry in so many words I think is the best. So, scratch out that first paragraph of me bitching about this dudes lack of ability to say "I'm sorry" he did own up to his actions.

So, while I started this post with being pissed off that my friend didn't write those 2 words I'm okay with what he did write, he did acknowledge my feelings and by doing that he apologized. All you other dudes that deny and blame.... change your game because I don't know how long you'll last..... :)

I guess the problem is, is not realizing we are in the wrong. Maybe that's it. Maybe men just don't realize when they're in the wrong. They aren't as sensitive to other peoples feelings are women are. Once again, I'm not trying to be sexist, I'm sure there are men out there that are sensitive and in tune to other peoples feelings. I guess I just need to work on which men I allow into my life.

The thing is though, when I think about the main men that have come and gone in my life, they were super, hyper, uber sensitive, as much as they want to deny it, they were...still are. Which I guess comes to the conclusion that you can't get a good "I'm sorry" from a super sensitive man nor a hard core bad boy. The in-betweener would be a gals best bet.

So men, ya'll need to either learn how to say "I'm sorry" or how to acknowledge someones feelings. Ya'll need to stop being in denial and take the fuckin' blame! I know I'm not perfect and I know I've probably been in the wrong and have been in denial or blamed others at one point or another but, after all I am a woman and I am almost... well, pretty much 100% perfect ;)


hehehe... I allow you to yell at me :)



And! To bring this back full circle. You boys that don't know how to say "I'm sorry" you may want to look into having a relationship with Bounty :) The other boys out there that do know how to say "I'm sorry" or acknowledging feelings here's a big THANK YOU. Thank you for picking up after your mess!

So, let's all say "I'm sorry" and own up to it!!

<3

p.s. While I do realize this was a men-bashing post, I would like to strongly stress again that I know women can be at fault of these things too.... it's just easier to blame you men...shit, there I go, putting the blame on you guys ::slaps hand:: ... sigh.... This does not discredit anything that I've said!!!!!!

Smooch

Yup! Smoochie poo!!! How many epic, movie-like first kisses have you had?!?! Lying in bed this morning I began to think about my memorable first kisses and some of them were so movie-like that I figured I should share them! How exciting!! I get to re-live them! I can't wait!

First kisses are such a defining fuckin moment for us all. They are either what we hoped or expected them to be, horrible and disgusting thus ending the infatuation, or far exceeds anything you could ever imagine!!! First kisses are, what I kind of think, the very first thing that gets the ball rolling... or not. We all have thousands of crushes all over the place, and when and if the feelings are mutual the first kiss is what really starts things off.

So, here are some of my memorable first kisses.... smooch!


French Kiss

My very first french kiss!!! Wait, my very first kiss with a boy!!! Ya'll remember Bert Williams from Nostalgia Part 1? Well, he was my very first kiss! First french kiss! If you did read that post I'm pretty sure you might remember the whole weird boob thing that went down but I don't think I really talked about actually kissing him! Well, I don't remember how it went down, it was probably in the movie theater, in fact I think it was. I vivdly remember the thoughts and feelings I had when our tongues touched. It was so weird!!! His tongue was a thick muscle, and grainy too. I just remember being schocked by the graininess of his tongue. I never imagined or knew what it would feel like, tongue touching tongue for the first time! It was almost alien like. But of course, I loved how it felt, not just how it felt in my mouth, but how my body felt when kissing. Gah! I love kissing! Thank you Bert Williams for being the first to introduce me into the wonderful world of making out! My tongue was probably like "SCORE!!! WE DID IT!!! WE MADE HEADWAY!!!!" First tongue action....check!


Peck

I might have mentioned this dude before in a past post... yes, my Closure post the boy that I imagined growing old with. Well my first kiss wasn't epic epic but it was really cute and sweet and really holds a nice picture in my head of what young love once was. So this dude, I met him online when I was like a junior or senior in High School. Anyways, my senior year of High School or the summer before or after, I can't remember, there was the Warped Tour going on. This dude lived in the NYC area and I lived in the Philadelphia area (and we still do :) ). Anyways we decided to meet at the Warped Tour in NYC that summer. I asked two of my gals to join me and they did. We got to the Warped Tour, and I met up with him. Such a cutie! Anyways! So we spent some time together then drifted off separately with our friends. At the end before I left, I went to say goodbye to him. I had never been this bold before in my entire life (....17yrs at that time haha). I leaned in, and gave him a cute, quick peck on his lips. It wasn't anything grandiose or hot and heavy, but it was sweet and full of love. I can still remember the feeling of that smile on my face.



Forgetful

This first kiss was cute, memorable, and very movie-like! This was the ultimate "so the things that happen in romantic movies CAN happen in real life" event! This kiss was given to me by my first love, my first serious relationship, my first everything real and serious. It all started the summer after graduating High School. He was going through some stuff so he was hanging out with a close friend of mine so that summer he, 2 of my bffs and I spent the whole summer together. I got to liking him and he got to liking me :) Both of us were shy and didn't really make any moves. Then I moved 2 hrs away to go to college, but we still kept in touch. I came home to visit sometime in the winter and this is when the magic happened!!

It all started with a weekend full of hanging out together. One of my bffs kind of coaxed him into staying over my house one night, it was supposed to be a sleep over with all of us, but then she and her boy left last min! Awkwardness prevailed! The next day we spent the whole day togethter, we went out and had brunch, we made a snowman, and went sledding! The next day we went and visited my bff at college, and spent the whole day with her and her man. Then! The next day was the day! We went to the movies with a friend of mine, then he dropped her off and drove me home.

I know this is a long description of this first kiss, it was a major one! I had to give a background story. So! he dropped me off and I remember going inside and being upset at myself for not kissing him, not making the move! I was bitching to my mom about it about how I wanted to kiss him but didn't. Then I went up to my room and heard a car outside so I looked out the window, thinking it'd be my sister... but it wasn't... it was him! He was calling my name, and I responded with "yeah?" and he said "come outside" (btw, I had to consult my old journal ... I didn't remember ALL of this :) ) . So I go outside, and he says to me "I forgot to give you something" and in my head I knew it, I knew we were going to kiss! So I said "oh, really?" Then he kissed me!!! I remember thinking I sucked because I was so completely nervous! But this was like the best first kiss ever! The events that surrounded it, the innocence, purity and genuineness of it all. It was beautiful! It led to a wonderful 3 yr relationship. <3



Magical

There's this forest area in my neighborhood where I grew up, it is known as The Magic Forest. It's a place where teens go to do rebellious stuff, like do drugs, have sex and get away from the parents. My friends and I would go and do illegal bonfires, those were the best! Of course there was the occasional smoking pot or sex sessions ;) Anyways, this kiss.... this magical kiss. This too was also pulled out of a movie. When I lived in CA I would come back to the east coast to visit once in a while. This one particular time, this dude came to visit me for the weekend. I was sick as a dawg! Snotty and a hoarse voice! We decided to go to the magic forest for a nice bonfire. The season was the end of fall turning into winter. I brought my box of tissues and we brought some matches.

When you enter the magic forest its all trees, as it should be, but you follow this path to a nice clearing where bonfires are held. We got to the clearing, there were bottles and trash left behind from whoever visited it last. We found a good spot, I sat on a fallen tree trunk while he went and searched for wood for the fire. He gathered the wood and set it up nicely for good fire starting. He got the fire started and we just sat there and watched the fire. At first he sat far from me, then he came and sat right next to me. He put his arm around me to keep me warm. It was sweet. Then he leaned in and kissed me. It was a nice kiss. I know this part doesn't seem that magical, but wait for the rest!

So, I know that was the first initial kiss with him, but you know how sometimes the first kiss is like this event full of kisses. Anyways, we got up to walk around the clearing a bit. Then we stood at this one spot, and looked at the sun setting. He held me close to him and then it started to snow, little flurries. It truly was magical. Picture the setting, us watching the sunset and little snow flurries all around us. This was when he kissed me again. The most perfect kiss in the most perfect setting. So romantic, so simple, so beautiful. :)



Star Gazing

No, this doesn't involve star gazing. I was on my second date with this dude. He was 10 yrs older than me, and an aspiring actor (this was when I lived in LA.....go figure...). We went to the Griffith Observatory on this particular date. This was my first time at Griffith.... Griffith is now my favorite place in LA (not because of this kiss)! So from Griffith you can see all of LA! When the sun sets you get this beautiful view:

(not sure if this picture does any justice but it truly is breath taking when you're there in person)

Anyways!!! So this ledge that is in the picture we were standing right there watching the sunset over LA and that is where he kissed me. It was a nice kiss nothing major but nice and sweet. Like I said in my last kiss, sometimes the first kiss is like this event of kisses. So then after Griffith we went to dinner then drove back to his place where I had my car parked. He parked his car, we got out and stood at the back of his car to say our goodbyes. Then, the hottest make out session commenced. He kissed me goodbye, naturally, but we could not stop! We were interlocked and making out! It was hot! and it was heavy!! He pushed me up against his trunk and we were just into it, nothing else existed at that moment! He could not let go of me and I him. I miss make out sessions like those. It was just so intense and filled with passion and hot hot love! It was like our lips were made for each other! Sigh.... we dated for 3 months and that was it for me and actor boy.



Anyways! Those first kisses were the most memorable kisses I've had. It's a shame I can't really remember any of the others. Oh well! Maybe there's a reason for that! haha!!! Well, I hoped you enjoyed reading my memorable first kisses as much as I did reliving them :)

<3

Dreams

So, dreams.... what can we say about dreams... there is a lot of money being made out there with those dream dictionaries floating around. Do any of them hold any kind of truth? Any real value? Maybe when it comes to concrete things like birth, death, buffalos things like that (not to say that birth and death and life is concrete).... but one thing a dream dictionary cannot decipher is the Ex. Those lovely dreams we wake up from that leaves us tormented for the rest of the day, the fuckin' ex has to pop up during our lovely REM time. As if they didn't already cause enough turmoil!?

No matter which way the dream goes it always ends up being bad. Alright, I'm probably being negative nancy again, I'm sure there are some nice dreams that just leave a nice smile on your face. Or maybe if you have a significant other the dream doesn't bother you as much. But even so, I'm sure deep deep deep down inside there lies some longing, or bitterness, anger, distress :)

So, I don't know how you go about your ex dreams but seriously... shit, i guess i don't know how i go about mine. Sometimes I get them and I wake up from them I think about it for a bit and I let it pass. When I'm not over the dude I get realllly angry. Hulk like angry, almost like the second half of my last post :)

Anyways, most of the time I try to find meaning to this ex dream. First of all why is he in my head still, why?!?! Second of all, what the fuck does it mean? Third of all get the fuck outta my head!!!!!! Fourth of all if it means something good, then give it to me already universe!! GOSH!!

Lets tackle the first one: Why is he still in my head, why?!?! So he's obviously still in my thoughts, in my conscious or subconscious thoughts. I find it being the case that he's probably in both. Whenever a conversation about the ex pops up I almost always have a dream about him that night or within a day or 2. So, maybe I should train myself to just not talk about my exes anymore. Just never talk about them. I'm not saying I talk about them all the time, well, maybe I do? sheesh.... I'm sorry to my friends if I do. I think I do... ugh.. THAT'S MY PROBLEM!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!...next

Second, What the fuck does it mean? So, while some dreams are kind of decipherable others are just not. Like, I had a dream the other night featuring my most recent ex and it was so weird. It was a mix of him telling me he's moving to the east coast and wants to be with me and marry me, and then we went through all that and then it ended up with him ALSO marrying some other chick. So, what the fuck does that mean? According to my assumptions :) and my calculations, I think my most recent ex has already moved on and has started seeing someone. So maybe that dream symbolized the movement from me to her. Either way, the dream fucked me up...shit, this whole thing fucked me up.

Then there are times when I'm with someone and an ex pops up. Or, get this! A friend of mine was telling me and my gals how she has a dream about her ex at least once a month!!! And they have been broken up for like... what'd she say? 4 yrs? So what does that mean? She's completely over him and is in a relationship now, but what the fuck does that mean? Does he have some significant role, some significant meaning every time he pops up?

Thirdly, Get the fuck outta my head!!!!! Seriously, get the fuck out of it. I know it's not you and that it's totally me.. but please just fuckin' spare me! I don't need to rehash my feelings over and over every time I wake up from dreaming about you! Like I said before, I guess I just need to learn to not think about an ex, not actively engage my brain in the ex.... cuz then his stench wanders off into other parts of my brain and I'm left dreaming about him. GAH!

And, last but not least if it means something good, then give it to me already universe!! GOSH!! (Here comes the desperate ::achem:: passionate? paragraph :))Seriously. You know how some of the dream meanings out there sort of mean the opposite? Like Death actually means something good. It actually means birth... a rebirth of something... the ending of one thing leaves the door open for new possibilities. So, if I have a dream with an ex in it, will it mean a hot Italian stallion (actually, no, I'm assuming Italian Stallions are cocky! But I think you get the idea.)...okay, no Italian stallion... just some good guy will come knocking on my door.... yeah.. okay... nice try, I know. If that's what EX dreams meant, I'd have a fuckin' line of men at my door. But seriously, if it will lead to something good, if the culmination of all these annoying EX dreams leads to a pot of gold, I'm ready for it. I am 100% ready for this good thing to come. Universe, just give it to me, hand it on over. Maybe I just gotta give more to the universe to get a better response....

So, if any one out there wants to make a good deal of money, please write a dreams dictionary solely on dreams involving exes! I'd do it, but it'd just be a bitter bitter angry book :) That's how I roll!

Until next time!


<3

I don't want....

Alright, first off, sorry about last week... I was exhausted and had no time or honestly no motivation to write. I like to try and do a weekly post and sometimes I just force it and it comes out like shit... so la de da... here's hoping this one wont fail :)


Secondly, I wasn't quite sure what to write about this week, then my bestie sort of hinted at it last night and well, here I am, writing an entry about what I don't want. Now, you remember that big fad a year or 2 ago, The Secret fad? How you should think positively and whatever you put out comes back to you. So it went on about how you should form your sentences into positive ones because when you put out what you don't want, when you focus on that, that's all you're going to get.... well.... this post is going to serve as a big FUCK YOU to that idea :)

Let's try something here... I'm going to write about what I don't want... and maybe I'll try and add what I do want right after.... let's see how this will work out!

I don't want to be that girl that starts every conversation with "I need a boyfriend..." One of my girls brought it up the other night... she was referring to an acquaintance she knows that all she talks about is obviously needing a boyfriend. While this blog is about embracing being a single lady, desperately ::achem:: passionately wanting a significant other, and whatever encounters I have with an apple of my eye... I definitely do not want to be that annoying girl. naggy naggy naggy naggy naggy... blah blah blah.

I do want a significant other...haha... but!
While on that search, I want to solidify myself so that I don't have to depend on a man and see him as an accessory but more so an investment.

I don't want to settle. Nope nope nope. While I am determined to find my future husband before I turn an old old age where I have no room in my life for a man because of the plethora of cats that will be living with me, I will not settle. Too many marriages go sour due to settling, a life of unhappiness happens due to settling. Disrespecting yourself, not loving yourself, comes with settling. But, wait, some people settle and are aware of the choice they are making so I don't mean any disrespect to those of you out there. I was a bit harsh, so, I do apologize. Who knows, maybe I will hit a breaking point and end up settling as well.....

I do want to find the love of my life. Cheesy, I know.
I want to live passionately and grow together and individually with another person.
I want love in my life every day.

I don't want to be that girl that no man can be serious with. I know this is kind of silly and odd. But just because I'm silly and sensitive and am all over the place, doesn't mean you shouldn't man up. I'm not sure if this is making any sense. I'm just tired of falling for boys. I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on toddlers. I'm tired of not finding a real fuckin' man who can fuckin' own up and hold his own. You know what.... this should be changed to...

I don't want to be with a fucking boy. I don't think this needs explanation. Because you know what, it ain't my problem, it's theirs. The only problem I have is fuckin' falling for these boys!

you know what else I don't want?

I don't want to be that girl that leads you to your wife. I don't want that. I don't want to be that one that shows you the way, teaches you about life, shows you love and compassion and all the things you thought you could never have... (believe me, I really don't think THAT highly of myself... I know I'm coming off as conceited and self absorbed.... ugh I'm turning into one of those girls... save me!) BUT IT'S TRUE!!!! I feel like most of the relationships I've been in, they tell me I'm special and this and that and ::doing the jerking off gesture:: blah blah blah.... then we part ways and they find their wives! OK!!! OKAY!!! OKAY!!!! I know I'm completely exaggerating, this only happened with one ex of mine..... BUT STILL!!!! WHAT'S TO STOP IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN!!!??

(breathing in and out) X (infinity) = solace.....?

GAH!

I do want ........ wait for it.....


wait for it....

(let's see if you can guess....)

you ready??


I want a fucking man.

<3


Note: I am aware that I started this post cool calm and collective.... and then I slowly... or actually, rather quickly turned into psycho single woman hulk. I may have become that "I need a boyfriend" girl, and guess what I will not apologize for it. Have a wonderful week!

New post to be up in a day or two... please check back!
Thanks!