Mr. Zohan

So!
haha where do I begin!
oh oh!!

I KNOW!

So, remember how I wrote about how my mom was super adamant about Jdate... finding a jewish husband via online dating sites ...blech blech blech...achem. Back when I lived in CA we made a bet. We bet that if I met someone she won and if I didn't she wasn't allowed to bring up Jdate ever again! So, she paid for the 3 month subscription for me... there was no way I was putting money down for this shit! Anyways, she pays, I write info and upload pics... I got a few bites but this one dude intrigued me... he messaged me and I bit back.

He was 10 yrs older than me... haha I dunno why that was important to mention, but i guess it's important because he was like the first and really only dude I've dated that was older than me. So, guess what he did for a living?!?! He was an actor!!! do do dooo!! I guess you might get where the name for him came from?? haha I'll get there, don't you worry! After messaging and then talking on the phone a few times we decided to set up a date. hahaha I remember kinda being scared cuz I obviously didn't know the guy from nothin and he was older and blah... so i made it that we met up at a public place.. there was some kinda festival going on in santa monica so we met there.

Now, when you meet someone in person, you know what they look like right? okay... just checking... keep that question in mind!

so, the festival was nice, there was a band playing there that i liked which i think was also another reason why I wanted to go... it could've been mason jennings, or ben harper??? anyways i don't remember. It was nice, then we went to a diner after for snacks? I guess.. and he needed to have freshly squeezed OJ, he got that and i think matzo ball soup?? Or was it me that got the soup?? i don't remember.

That date started our 3 month romance. Next date he took me to griffith observatory and thats where we had our first kiss...awwwwwww.... and then our second one I wrote about I think... that was a fuckin hot ass make-out session!! mm mm mm! He took me out to great places to eat and he even introduced me to Bikram Yoga (love the shit out of that workout!!! :) I thank him for that.)! Oh and he was a big big meditator, every mornin he'd meditate.

Let me explain something, he was/is a very health conscious dude. He went to Bikram, he played basketball with his friends, he ate super healthy. We would make these salads together that consisted of cucumbers, tomatoes, carrots?, chickpeas, another type of beans, and something else and a delicious dressing. hahaha can I be frank here...now,  I'm a nervous farter... i.e. i don't like to fart in public i.e. i gotta be super fuckin comfy in front of u if im gonna fart in front of u...  im giggly just writing this.. but i think its totally important to be able to fart in front of the one you love! haha but not the one you're dating for 3 months!!! I swear to fuckin god! every time, hands down, every time i slept over that boys place I'd wake up in my sleep to me farting hahahahahaha! hahahaha! omg! worse thing ever! On top of that he wasnt big on bodily functions either! He would go in the bathroom to fart. Just cuz I'm not a comfortable farter, I'm totally cool with others being comfortable about it.
AND!
AND!
AND!
He even told me how these friends of his, they're married, they had at that time i think a 5 yr old son and even that couple never farted in front of each other because they "didn't want to ruin the attraction they had for one another." mmhmm insanity isnt it! IN-FUCKIN-SANITY! I wonder where the dude was when his wife gave birth, lets hope she didnt shit during the whole process, shit!

Sigh, so so sad.

So... i met some of his other actor friends and their beautiful bombshell girl friends. I mean him and I had fun we could joke around and had fun acting like thugs and hicks and la de da. During this time too he was working on the set of You Don't Mess with the Zohan... he had a 5 min scene in it... I'm not gonna say which scene. At one point he was gonna let me read the script but I wasn't interested.

How did this end? Well, he called me up one day, and I don't remember if I could tell it was going downhill by then or not, but he broke up with me, by telling me, in short, that it's because he wasn't attracted to me, I wasn't tall and skinny. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU THESE PAST 3 MONTHS!?

I now remember him saying something about how he was trying to get me into active things and I wasn't for it or something? wtf? I loved Bikram and I went everytime he asked and I even went on my own without him..... let me grow a cock so u can suck it son! That's how I felt... now there are no hard feelings I laugh at it all.

So, it ended..... then before I moved back east him and I met up... and funny thing is after he broke up with me I of course felt like the worlds biggest fat ass ever... even though I wasn't in bad shape!!! I joined a gym after he broke up with me and I worked out religiously and I got super hot! So, I was excited to show off my bod, so I sorta did but not really, but of course it didn't matter at that point....

He's a really interesting guy, I'm not trying to bash him, we obviously had different life styles and life philosophies, but he was a very smart interesting guy. We sorta keep in touch through fb a "like" here and there, nothin more. I definitely do not regret my relationship with him. I learned a lot and he introduced me to some awesome things so I def appreciate the time I had with him... but yeah, we are def on 2 different planets. And, now looking back, I respect him for ending it, i mean he was smart to do it, but he could've done it on different terms... but I totally get where he was coming from, and what he was doing... it's kinda the philosophy I've been living.... date a person for 3 months and if u feel it u feel it, if u dont u end it.

My only regret is that i didn't tell him off for being a dick about the reason why he broke up with me :) hahaha

oh! and! well... my mother still continued to bother my ass about JDate bs until actually this year!!! So wow! that was .... 4 yrs ago! damn!! I mean we both won I think..... either way it took her 3-4 yrs to leave me alone about it!!!!

<3

Maybe, baby

Maybe I'm supposed to make an ass outta myself and write love letters to boys so that I know for sure I did all I could to do something about my feelings instead of letting them sit and linger...at least now I now who I can move on from, right?

Maybe it's a form of closure for me? Maybe it's closure for you?

Maybe this whole love life of mine is just a bunch of lessons prepping me for the real deal? Which I guess will make it all worth it in the end...right?

Maybe just giving up 100% is the thing to do... well, not giving up, surrendering. Dude said not to panic, I'm trying not to but i'm obviously not doing a great job at it.. i mean look at my fucking blog! Shit.

How can I do this differently? I keep wanting to just take a year off and just focus on myself but somehow I forget about that promise to myself and I get lost in a web of messy boy business.

Anyways, this post is blah and I'm not feeling too confident about this blog.... should I continue on with stories of past boys? Should I write stories about each of the boys in my little black book? I was thinking about writing about the Zohan one...hahaha maybe I'll write that next... sometime this week perhaps, yah?

don't fuck with the zohan! haha amongst other things :)

<3

Bulls and Horns

So, I was gonna start this post out by saying something like "you know how I can be really lame about love and fighting for it and all that crap?" but then I stopped myself and said to myself... dude, I am not lame for believing in love and for fighting for it and for loving love so hard. I'm not lame at all, I'm just a mothafuckin' lover of love! Is that so bad?

I have mentioned this person a few times but I never really had a post devoted to him. I was debating writing out my history with this boy, but I don't think I will. Now, I know I almost fall in love with every boy I meet... it's more-so like an infatuation, than love... then reality sets in and I'm like "oh, hmm... yeah.. naaahhh." I'm glad that recently I've been able to be more quick to  know whether being with a certain person is worth my time, even though there is that infatuation.... I shouldn't say worth my time.... I should say.... whether being with a certain person is the right thing to do at this time in my life. I know I'm ready for a serious relationship and I know what I want and what I don't want... well I primarily know what I don't want, which I guess leads me to know what it is that I do want... Anyways!!! I'm glad I'm a better judge with all of this...

Another thing I want to mention is that this past year or 2??? I have been able to get over past "infatuations" and exes and blah blah blah.... i think? haha And! I feel like I've been grabbing love by the horns... possibly??? hopefully??? maybe I'm delusional in that aspect? haha

This one though, this one.... he's got a hold on me.  Ok, fine! Maybe I'll give a brief description of my relationship with him. I've mentioned him a few times but I don't think in detail. I think I even recently gave him the name Mr. Orange. The first time I lived in CA Mr. Orange and I dated casually. He lived an hour away from me but we saw each other almost every weekend... from what I can remember? Maybe every other weekend at times.... it was a casual relationship ... and it was an awesome one. It wasn't a  fuck-and-leave casual relationship. It was one where we spent time doing things... we went to museums and went on dates, comedy clubs, movies blah blah ... we had fun! He had just gotten out of a serious relationship so he didn't want anything serious... i kinda wanted it (of course), but I was cool with the casualness as well.

So, then I moved back east and that obviously ended. We've been in touch ever since. He's a really great guy. Even though we don't talk every day or every week, he has always popped up in my life when I've struggled and he's been extremely supportive. Like, insanely, amazingly supportive. He's an all around awesome guy.

Anyways, that was a really short description of him... I'm keeping his description short and sweet... I dunno why I don't want to like write a novel about him like I have with others....

Y'know how I've sorta been grabbing the bull by its horns? I did with this one too. I wrote him an email. I really really feel strongly about him, he's always been in the back of my mind and I've always felt that there was unfinished business with him and I. I wrote him to express my feelings and to find out whether it was worth it for me to hold on to these feelings. He doesn't live in CA anymore but he still lives far away. I wasn't asking for a long distance relationship because we all know that'll just fuck shit up. I just wanted to know if there could be a possibility for us if/when geographical circumstances were different.

Here's the thing... with Mr. Hands and Mr. High School I liked them a lot I did, but I ended it with them because I knew/felt that they weren't in it as much as I was. With this guy, Mr. Orange, I know he has feelings for me... I do. I just don't know how serious and I want to know what his thoughts are on this. We've talked about us jokingly, but I just want to know. That's a problem of mine. I always just want to know everything and I pry too much sometimes, and sometimes I don't pry at all!

I wrote, what I think, to be a pretty good letter! But! I guess it might've been confusing? I dunno, he text me as soon as he read it and there was some kind of misunderstanding. Anyways.... I tried to clear up the confusion... and I haven't heard from him since. Which is okay, I get it... he's gotta take time to process it and marinate on it and what not... I get it. BUT! haha there's always a but! I'm kinda like... eeep!! waiting!! waiting! waiting! I'm seriously on edge. Whatever the outcome, it'll be okay. I just, i'm fighting for this.

I feel really level headed about this too. Which might be unbelievable coming from me :) But I'm trying to take the neccessary precautions. Like, I'm trying to be realistic.... even though me writing a "love letter" (hahaha) to a boy 2000 miles away isn't really realistic, my feelings in this is more realistic than I think they've ever been. If things turn out to be positive with him I'd be really excited to take it slow and to not rush into something.

Anyways, we'll see. Until I get a response, I'm just gonna be wrapped up in anticipation (said the way Time Curry does in Rocky Horror).... and if I don't get a response... then that'll be my answer and  I'll slowly let it go.

In conclusion, grab the bull by its horns and just fuckin' go for what you want! While it might seem pointless, who the fuck cares, just do it! It felt really random just writing him the letter, but seriously, why wait? Why not just dive in? And, while you might get hurt doing so, it'll at least make you stronger and it'll save you time and energy!

<3

ADLD

Before I get into the meat of this post, I'd just like to say how much I LOVE Sunday mornings! I wake up, semi-early, put on my robe and slippers, heat up some water and sit at my kitchen table with my coffee and lap top.  So here I am, sitting at my messy kitchen table with my sink full of dirty dishes behind me, completely content with my coffee and the warmth my home has to offer :) Definitely taking a step in the right direction towards loving this whole thing... this whole apple orchard way of life... skipping my way down a beaten and bare path to my gold rush trees.... anyways!


ADLD!!!?!?!?!

What is this new epidemic, this new neuropsychiatric condition!! Okay, I know I shouldn't make fun of serious things, but to me, this is serious!

Attention Deficit Love Disorder

I was studying the other day for a midterm and I could not, for the life of me, focus! Then, while I was driving to class that night, it hit me! I have ADLD! When I fall for boys, when I begin relationships my head is all over the place, it's rewired, I cannot focus... or I actually focus too much! It's almost like I focus way too much that my thoughts are a mess that causes me to not think clearly! Does that make sense!? I can't just pay attention to the now and what is happening right now in relationships because I am too busy thinking about tomorrow and next year.. will this last, will it not, does he like me as much as I like him, I don't want to do anything that'll freak him out...blah blah blah.

It might not be linked entirely to ADD, but that's the first thing that popped up in my head. I seriously feel like I become a different person when I'm with a boy I really like. Something in me shuts down and I'm like "WAHHH!!!!!!".... with a nice calm smile on my face.

I know people can't think clearly when they like someone because they're all infatuated and "ahh he/she is so dreamy," you wander off. But I seriously sometimes think something is wrong with me! haha I don't remember ever being like this until recently. Wait... nevermind... I can.

So, what's the cure? Is there a form of Ritalin for this type of disorder? There isn't, unfortunately. So, my ADLD friends, where do we go from here? (I understand I just put you all in the same bag as me, I know not all of you have ADLD, it's just so lonely in this psycho-loveless life!!!!! sigh... :) ) I can either give the cheesy expected advice and say "well, the only cure to this is self actualization and believing in yourself," or I could tell you to find some kinda drug that's like a truth serum or something that will leave you careless but who wants that kind of numbness? Fine, cheesy advice wins because I can't really think of anything else!!!

I gotta believe in myself more. It's something I realize I struggle with like crazy! This is, truly, I think, my only cure to ADLD. If I focus more on me and build a strong trusting relationship with myself I won't have to worry about tomorrow, the future, whether he really likes me or not, and I'll  hope that I'll freak him out and that he accepts me with open arms!

Ya know, I really like the whole metaphor of the dating world being like an over-picked apple orchard (read last weeks post). I'm going to keep that in mind. So far I think it's the best way that will help me visualize and feel comfortable with this journey I'm on. There's another thing for you to think about, maybe come up with a relateable life event or activity or something that can help you deal with whatever qualms you may be struggling with, if you are struggling with any at all.  I really believe that there are Gold Rush apple trees just waiting for me to pick. Great way to tie in last weeks post!!! ::pat on back::

Maybe my apple orchard is my ritalin.

<3

Apple Pickin'

So, I went apple pickin the other day with a friend of mine. I was telling her I didn't know what to write about for this weeks blog post. I had some ideas about things my coworkers and I bitch about... how we always give men excuses, how they are all up in our grills the first month or so and then disappear. It's like, you get used to a way someone treats you and then when they stop doing it, it's hard to adjust or to even take it without taking it personally..... anyways.... I didn't want to write another post bitching about men.

My friend gave me a good idea. She told me to write about the apple picking and how our experience is very much like the dating world. I mean, when we started into the orchard all the trees were bare. No apples in sight. As we got deeper into the orchard we saw a few apples here and there hanging on the branches.... they were all scarred, bruised, or rotten. There were also a bunch of rotten ones hanging out on the ground. The further we got away from the entrance, the deeper we got, the more apples we found. We passed by people walking back to the entrance with full boxes. I remember being jealous, I wanted that happiness, the fulfillment of finding my very own apple... picking my very own apple from a tree. Finally, we hit a gold mine far far off from the entrance. Granted along the way we did steal some apples that were sitting ever so nicely in boxes here and there... we think they were strategically placed there. Anyways, in the end, we found our apples! Gold Rush apples!

You start off with nothing. Then you go through ones that are tattered and torn. The good ones are already picked. Then, eventually, hopefully, you find your mecca. You find your tree full of fruit to offer you. There are no rotten ones, none that are bruised or scarred, all the good ones are there waiting for you.

I guess finding your future husband is like apple picking. You enter the orchard of men all wide eyed and excited, full of anticipation, hope, your heart is wide open. In the distance you see a few but as you get closer you find out that they are rotten, they're not good enough for you, they'll just give you an upset stomach. As you trudge through the rotten trees, you begin to loose hope but you know, you know there's gotta be someone out there. It's tough on the heart when you see everyone around you happy and in love and you're still going through the battlefield. Then finally, you find the one.

hahaha... I know I repeated the scenario over and over.. I just felt that I couldn't get it right...but I'm pretty sure you get my drift. I'm gonna keep on walking through the orchard with my head held high, because I know my tree is out there, just waiting to be picked... until then, I'll steal a few glances here and there and possibly entertain the idea of a rotten apple... inspect it a bit.. maybe it wont be so bad while I'm trudging along :)

Now, what to do with the apples? Apple sauce? Apple pie? Apple butter? Apple dumplings? Apple cake? etc.... hehehe

<3

Loverut

I feel like I'm stuck in a loverut.... it's a rut that's got everything to do with love.

It's funny, Ive been obsessively re-watching Felicity on netflix and there was this one eps that they had fun with and it was about Felicity going to The Clinic to fix her broken heart. The Clinic turned out to be some place they took out your heart and replaced it with something else so you wouldnt feel the emotion of heartache, but with the lack of heartache came the lack of love. She realizes that she would rather feel the pains of love if that meant she could feel the joys of love too.

I too would rather feel the pains of love so i could feel the joys of love. But for now, I'm in love-rut heartache central. Not only that though, I feel some weird changes happening inside my head and heart. I guess I'm not in a love-rut and I'm not suffering from heartache (okay maybe just a little) but I seriously don't want to entertain any seducers unless I feel that its worth it... unless I feel that it could be serious.

Like Mr. Gym for example, the twin, I knew right away not to entertain the idea...then I was like "ehh maybe I could try it." And, well, maybe it's that he's suuuper young that he's super immature and doesn't know how to treat a woman, or maybe he just doesn't know how to treat a woman, period. But just entertaining him and letting him distract me was pretty pathetic. The only romantic thing about him was the craigslist post.

I had a dream with Mr. High School in it last night. I don't know why but I can't stop thinking about him. I was actually talking about him to my coworker and I was telling her how he was like the first guy I've ever been with that really was a man. A real MAN. He wasn't a boy, or a boy trying to be a man, he was/is 100% man. It made me feel like a woman.... he made me feel like a woman. Now that I think about it, maybe if him and I aren't meant to be maybe the thing that I miss about him was me. I mean, let me back track, I think about him a lot, and I wonder if I could've done things differently and I've felt the need to apologize to him and have wanted to so many times but haven't, and a big part of me wants him in my life. Maybe I'm mixed up and maybe I'm not missing him but I'm missing the feeling I felt when I was with him, the feeling of being a woman to this man.

So, I guess that's what I need. I need a MAN who makes me feel like a WOMAN. Then I digress and say to myself, but, I wanna be his woman, and then I need to snap out of it because that obviously isn't happening.

Lame post, but I think I'm getting somewhere. Slowly.... slowly realizing the things that are important to me, and the things that I want. And...possibly, slowly realizing that I do deserve better and not entertaining the thought of some little Mr. Gym who thinks that sending pics of his abs will excite me.

Anyways, I'm trying to make a conscious decision to just not care about boys or think about them or focus my time on them, but not just boys, love as well. I've been thinking of chopping off my hair as a new beginning, to let go of all the weight (figuratively), and maybe it'll act as a good male deterrent, not that they're lining up or anything.....

we'll see...
until next time!

<3