Digital Love

I think by now it's quite apparent that times have changed and we have become more dependent on science and technology...especially in connecting with people.

I grew up with computers... in fact, I grew up at the beginning of computer domination (that is, computers dominating humans :) ). Remember when prodigy existed? Remember when screens were Black, Green and Yellow? I remember when I was in middle school and I had an AOL account, I remember waiting for literally maybe like 10-30 mins to sign into AOL... dial up... remember that? Watching that little AOL man run...

Connecting with people was amazing to me!!! Back in the day chat rooms were the bees knees! I would chat it up with all sorts of people all around the U.S. ....... and online romances? ha!

I had like a bajillion online boyfriends and crushes!

Fast forward to now.

We have facebook, we had myspace (we still have it but it fuckin sucks), friendster... and all the online dating sites!!! eHarmony, okcupid, jdate, plentyoffish, match.com etc. etc. etc.

These sites aren't created just because... they're created because we clearly need them and want them and there's obviously a high demand for them. In today's world we work so much... so hard, we don't have time to socialize... I mean we do.... and even though we work hard, we're fuckin lazy asses because we'd prefer to know how our friends are doing by reading status updates, we prefer to find our future husbands and wives online because it's less intimidating... it's easier to get rejected online than in person... AND! It's easier to reject someone online than in person.

For my avid readers, you know how against these online dating sites I've been.... I've also been for them as well... I obviously can't seem to get away from them... 

What's the point I'm trying to make? Well... this all leads to the combination of online dating and skyping.

Yep!!

I just recently realized that skyping with a person and dating them in real life puts a relationship on 2 separate levels! It really does!! It's so fucking interesting... someone should seriously do research on this! Two separate worlds working simultaneously.

Speaking from personal experience and from the experience of my friends here is what I have to say:

Your First Date

So, lets say you meet someone online.. on one of the dating sites mentioned above... I recently met someone on one of these sites and I skyped with them before actually meeting them.... When I mentioned it to a friend of mine he asked me "so, did you put make up on, did you look nice?" or something to the effect of that and i was like "shit? no!? was I supposed to!?!?" and he said "well, it is sort of like your first date."

BAM! It struck me! That?!!? That was my first date!? NO!!! No no no no no, it was not!!! In a sense though, if you really do think about it... it kind of was. If we weren't interested in each other after that first skype call, we probably wouldn't of gone on an ACTUAL first date.  So, right there begins the 2 separate dimensions in dating one individual in person and online.


Intimacy

Yep! Intimacy ALSO goes on different paths in 2 separate dimensions within this one relationship. When you just start dating someone, back in the day you went on your first...second...third date and like waited a day or 2 to call the person... now you can "chat" with them whenever you'd like! You get to know the person, faster which is good... but on skype it's also a whole other story.  That can get super intimate super fast! I mean, shit! You get to see a persons bedroom, a persons bed before your second date! There's nothing wrong by it at all... it's just so interesting that you can see certain things on skype before even really getting physically intimate... and by physically intimate I mean like holding hands or kissing or hugging... nothing sexual.

So here you are on one level "chatting" with this person everyday sorta being intimate and having "dates" while on the other level you're still trying to gauge who they are in person, still trying to be comfortable with them physically... its just interesting... doesn't that do something? Doesn't that somehow change the dynamic of a relationship... of how relationships are created??

I am, by no means, against any of this... I take part in it! I skype in bed in my pjs while dude is on the other end topless (owwww!!!) in his bed... that's pretty intimate. I just wonder if these 2 dimensions will have an effect on how we approach relationships now and into the future.... 50yrs ago boys were wooing girls with flowers and simple shit.... and now... we woo each other with one-liners on our dating profiles and putting make-up on for skype dates..... it's just interesting and strange how times have changed..

I don't think this will/dose have a negative effect, it lets us meet people in larger radiis and cuts out a lot of bs we normally go through.


But... like I always whine about...about wanting to meet my future husband in person rather than on-line.... we sorta miss genuity,  happenstance,  fate and destiny all of that.... we are missing out on.... but, since times have changed,  destiny is recreated and so I guess this is our new kind of destiny.

It's just so crazy! Sometimes I wish I lived in the 50's or 60's.... I guess I'm just stuck... I have no problem with how dating is going on now a days.... but I also love that romantic idea of how things used to be... how dating was for our parents....


What are your thoughts? Do you think this will turn for the worse? More and more people are meeting their significant others on-line, so it is a good thing...

<3

Leftovers

I'm not sure how long or short this post is going to be... I have a feeling it's going to be a short one.... unless I start to ramble on :)

So, I don't know what exactly got me thinking about this and wondering about this but...here it goes!

Break-ups.. blah blah blah I've written about them before, you've dealt with them before we all get the gist of that ish! We get left with heartache and pain and sadness and all that negative shit.. then slowly we start to see the light and birds and rainbows and la de da.... but then.. something that has happened to me, not sure if it has with any of you.... you start to notice some parts of them (the exes) that were left behind...

I'm not talking about t-shirts or boxers or any of that material crap...I'm talking about physical things!

Okay!!! I know you're probably confused as fuck and saying to yourselves "what the fuck is single sally talking about!?!?!" (hahaha) I know, I may be slightly insane....

Let me give you an example....

So, I never had dry skin when I was younger, my face was nice and smooth and ... nice...
My first serious bf (the one of 3 yrs) had good skin too... but! His nose was always dry and a lil flaky... (nothing gross or insane)... We broke up, la de da... la de da... and then!! get this!!! I started to notice that my nose was dry and flaky!!!!!!! Nothing intense but I began to notice it!!!! And I was like... could it be?!

I know that when you're with someone for a long time ya'll start to look the same or whatever that bullshit is... but flaky noses!!?!? no!

So, a flaky nose is a sort of leftover, if you will, from the first boy.... and lately, for some god awful reason, a reason I don't know why?!?!!?! I had been wondering what, if anything, kind of leftover the most recent ex might've or could've left behind... I was definitely hoping for NOTHING!!!!!!

I don't see anything... don't feel anything... so.. I am in the clear!


or...so...I...thought....

I'm going to quickly and lightly mention that I was on a date with a boy today (second date :)) and we were sitting in the planetarium... and he took my hand and we held hands.... maybe it's because it was warm in there... maybe it's cuz I WAS SUPER FUCKING NERVOUS (which it probably is)...but my hand started to get all clammy and sweaty... maybe it was cuz both of us were excited and nervous.. I DON'T KNOW!!

and then it hits me.... this, is my leftover from the recent ex.



FUCK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!



I don't want gross clammy hand syndrome!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!! Demon, get out of me!!!!!!!

I need to have an exorcism performed on me because fuck that! I don't want that shit!!!

okay! I know! I'm being a fuckin drama queen over here but a girl with clammy hands aint sexy!!!


And! I know i know i know it was probably because we were both excited and nervous... but still!!! WHY MUST I BE CURSED!!!!!

haha so...

What's your leftover?

<3

Mr. 2b

Alright! So, in last weeks first post, I lightly mentioned something I didn't want to jinx....well... I'm still not going to give you full details on what that is... but!!! I will reveal something to you lovely readers!!! Are you ready for this!?!?!

Ready for Miss Hypocrite 2010??

Waaahhh!!!

Here goes!!!

I... yours truly... miss single sally... miss single sally who wants to find true love in real life... has..... reactivated her okcupid account..... cringe!!!!!......

okay okay okay!!!

Lay it on me!! I can take it!!! I know I know I know!

I made a vow to myself and to you lovely readers that on-line dating wasn't for me! I tried it and I hated it! Maybe I didn't give it a solid, serious try? Maybe I put too much pressure on it! Anyways! I'm back on it and ready to take whatever it throws my way... well... not whatever it throws my way...

Let me digress a bit....

Back in the day, when I signed up on okcupid and I was actively using it, I started to think that, while I work at a bank... a public place.... in center city, I'm bound to run into a few people I see on okcupid!

There was this one dude that came into the bank once and I swear I saw him under my "Visitors" section of my okcupid profile... but neither of us said anything... which is a good thing.... it'd be weird and awkward....

This time, reactivating my account, I didn't think anything of it! The thought didn't even cross my mind! Well!!! Let me tell you something amazingly hilarious that happened to me on there the other day!

It was a late Wednesday evening, I had just gotten in from class and I slid under my covers, propped my laptop on my lap and proceeded to check my email and what not. I decided to casually check okcupid. So, I log in... check my inbox and BAM! I got an IM!

Dude: Hey
Dude: Do you recognize me?
Dude: You work at the bank, right?
Me: What?! Who is this? Hold on, let me check out your pics.... (mind you, his default pic was of him...shoulders down.... holding a surfboard... wtf?! That must say something?!!?! anyways...)

I click on his profile, then quickly click on his pics... and... well... here's the thing...there are 4 types of people/customers I remember/recognize at the bank:

1. Cute people
2. Annoying people
3. Mean people
4. Nice people

Well!! Wouldn't you know! He fell right into category #2!! Wait for it... it doesn't stop there!! I feel that category #2 has a few subcategories....

2a. Annoying chicks that think their good looks will make up for their stupidity
2b. Annoying dude customers that talk too much and think they're bad to the bone and try to put moves on you... they also tent to look mousey.... just their appearance annoys the fuck out of you.
2c. Customers who can't fill out a simple deposit or withdraw slip... all you have to do is read... READ!!!

The list goes on but those 3 are the top.

I'm sure you guessed that he falls in to category 2b of customers I remember at the bank.... if you did, then you're right! Go buy a lottery tickey, you're probably feeling pretty luck today!! haha Seriously though, that's the dude that IM'd me!!!

So, I reply with...

Me: oh, yeah, hey
Dude: How are you?
Me: good, you?
Dude: Good, So, how long have you been on here?

(meanwhile I had a message in my inbox and I was replying to it, and I was so flustered and annoyed by category 2 subcategory B dude that I accidentally sent the mail mid sentence and had to send an apology email lookin like an ass!!!!)

Me: Eh... I've been on and off... hey, I gotta go, cya around!


SIGN OUT!!!


WTF!?!?! WHY ME?!?!!?

How insane was that!?! It just had to be subcategory 2b dude! Why couldn't it be a dude from category #1!!!!!!??? Sigh!! Just my luck!! Hahaha! It's a pretty funny story though!

I definitely don't look forward to the day he walks into the bank! Because you know that a dude from subcategory 2b would be the type that walks in all rico-suave like and bring it up!!! Get the fuck outta my face!!!!!!!


HOT DAMN!!

He will be referred to as Mr.2b from now on... so if he walks in and starts 2bing around... you bet your bottom dollar I'm blogging about it!!!!

<3

I'd like to thank...

Wahh! I never thought I'd ever get a blog award!

But! My dearest blogger friend Rach at How Fickle Is Woman awarded me with the Stylish Blogger award. How exciting!!

Here are the rules to accepting this award!
1. Thank the person who sent the award to you.... CHECK!
2. Share 7 things about yourself.... will do that in a sec!
3. Pass the award on to bloggers who you think are awesome!....thinking....
4. Contact the bloggers you picked and let them know about the award!....will do at the end of post :)

Alright!!!

Seven things about myself?! Shit... what to share? what to share?

One: Here's something silly.... When I was younger I thought that if I forgot to flush the toilet after I peed, whoever came in the bathroom next and saw my pee would know what my vagina looked like.... true story!

Two: I don't think I've ever mentioned this in this blog, but I am a crafter! I love love love creating art and crafting! I love collecting ribbons and scraps of paper. I love making greeting cards, and I love some good ol' art therapy... here are a few pics of things I made....

I  made this after the break up from my first love.

I took a drawing class and fell in love with line drawing!

Fused plastic greeting card!

See that blue body mold.. top right? yeah.. thats a mold of my body I made. I actually made it after this boy I dated for 3 months told me he was breaking up with my because I wasn't tall or skinny... dick!.. so I molded my body.. it was a wonderful loving my body experience!

Three: I fall in love way too easily. I do... it's completely ridiculous! When I first meet a boy I like, I right away see if his last name works well with my first name... I know a bunch of gals do that.. but I feel like when  I do it.. it's like way sick! (sick as in horrible.. not sick as in cool)

Four: I am currently in school pursuing my dream! I am in culinary school for Pastry Arts!! It's something that I've wanted to do for 10 years now! I'm enjoying it greatly!!!

Five: When I cook/bake alone, I pretend I'm doing a cooking show.... in Australia... yup! I talk with the accent and everything.... I think I semi got it down. I catch myself speaking quite intensely like the crocodile hunter did...rip.

Six:  I have 3 tattoos.... my first one I got when I was 16? or 17? With my fake ID! haha! It's a bumble bee, the second one I got maybe 7 months ago? My bestie and I got tattoos together... When we first started hanging out in High School, we called ourselves the Rude Chicks! so... 10 yrs later we decided to get tats.. I got rude on the back of my right arm just above the elbow and she got chicks on the back of her left arm.. so when we stand together it reads rude chicks... here's a pic!

My third tattoo I got 3 months ago, I got it on my inner left arm and it's a bob dylan lyric "It's life, and life only" from the song "It's alright ma, I'm only bleeding" it's a beautiful song!

Seven: Lucky number seven!!! I want to make this one super juicy!!! But my life is pretty boring! I'm a really laid back kinda gal. I crack jokes, laugh at myself, curse like a sailor and love getting down and dirty. I love singing in my car thinking I'm a great harmonizer. I love road trips.  Janis Joplin is my idol. I love board games. I love love. I hate love. I love you and you and you and you! The End!


Now!! To pass the award onto other lovely bloggers!!! Well! I think I have about 3 bloggers to share!!

1. The lovely L xxx at Ramblings of a Singleton
2.  Mr. Jonathan at The Titan Project
3. The lovely Triathletegal at Serial Datist who actually inspired me to start this blog


There ya have it!! My participation in this lovely awesome blog award!!!!


Congrats to those who have been awarded!!! Keep it rollin!!


<3

....fail....

I have failed you readers.... I do apologize!

I swear, last night just before going to bed, I swear I had a good idea for a blog post.... then I woke up and completely forgot it..... and then throughout the day I've been trying to remember what it was!!! Then I really wasn't sure if maybe I dreamed that I had an idea for a blog post... because for some reason last nights dream sequence meshed with real life and left me feeling a bit unsure of what was real and what wasn't. So, it's hard to say really if I actually consciously thought of the idea for the blog post or just subconsciously thought it.

In any case... there's is a bit of somethin somethin goin on right now in my life, but I don't want to talk about it just yet.... I'm worried I may jinx it! So, those of you who know me... personally... please, don't ask me to tell you if I haven't already.

Maybe the power of the secret is working? In two ways.... maybe it's just me being a goofball!

Anyways, here's a cute little love image I stumbled upon!! I got it from this article The Food of Love.

Alright then!

This post was short and sweet!
Have a great week ya'll!! And!! Happy Happy Hannukah!!!!

<3

Lists

So, today I opened up my moleskin weekly planner thing. It's kinda fat, stuffed with papers and what not.... some of the papers are little things I kept as memorabilia, for example little things from my trip to New Orleans over the summer and a few pieces of trash like receipts here and there.

I have about 12 little squares of paper that were about to fall out.... along with a list...

What do these special pieces of paper entail?

Qualities and characteristics of what I want in a relationship and in a significant other.

How many of us created lists like these? go ahead, you can raise your hand... mine is raised pretty high!

So, I'm pretty sure I mentioned that I see a therapist...she gave me 2 assignments, one was to write a list of things I want in a man and the other was to write, on little cards, things I want in a relationship.

That wasn't the first time I created a list like that. A little under a year ago, after the breakup with my most recent ex, I decided it'd be a good idea to write that list. In the back of my mind I was hoping that the power of The Secret would work it's magic.... alas it did not.

Anyways I thought I'd share with you this list and the lovely things I want in a relationship... they sort of coincide, so I hope it won't be redundant.

Things I want in man:

- Honest
- Grounded
- Compromising
- Caring
- Secure
- NO BAGGAGE!
- Compassionate
- Understanding
- Sensitive but strong
- Creative
- Funny
- Giving
- Mature
- Supportive
- Responsible
- Cultured
- Respectful
- Likes to travel
- Reliable
- Mentally sound/strong

(Who doesn't have baggage though!?!?!?!!?! shit!)

So, that's my list.... I really don't have much to say about it... is it realistic? Am I being realistic? Does a man like this exist? Sigh... you know, this list kind of depresses me.....next!

Next, next next!!

Things I want in a Relationship:
(I may go into detail with these, yup, I will)

- Honesty- Trust- With each other and about the relationship, take responsibility in the relationship and with each other
- Compromise - within every aspect- give and take and confidence in decisions - 50/50
- Love <3= Happiness
- Positivity + + + = Growth, compromise, and understanding
- Understanding - sensitive towards each others thoughts, feelings, beliefs
- Reliability - responsibility, ownership = honesty
- Give & Take - 50/50 - like compromising - emotionally, caring and taking care of
- Confidence - in each other and the relationship - no doubt, no excuses
- Life, Creativity, Passion, Excitement! = movement
- Travel - see new places, experience new things together
- Cultured - open to new/old ideas, new/old foods, customs, cultures
- Equality- 50/50 give and take - also in roles within the relationship/household, non- traditional
- Strength - in being sensitive- strength in being honest and true with ourselves and each other
- Individuality - we are not carbon copies - have different things to bring into the relationship- spending time together and individually
- On the same team- back each other up, don't shoot each other down
- Real - security- same future plans- comes from same ideals/ideas- realness in thoughts feelings with each other and relationship
- Spiritual - as opposed to religious- religion can be there- in the background- but to be spiritual in believing in each other in the universe/earth.

Does any of this actually make any sense? Am I limiting myself with these lists... these are just lists though... these are things I'd like, but hmm, I don't know why I'm having trouble discussing these. And! Are they biased because I wrote them thinking of the things I didn't have in my previous relationships? I mean, one good thing about having more than just one relationship under my belt is that I get closer to knowing what I want and what I don't want.

But these things I listed above, not all of them you learn in the first few dates...so, it's kind of too ideal. It's unrealistic. But like I mentioned already, I don't want these to limit me from anything...??... will they? do they?

It's funny, I recently came in contact with an old acquaintance of mine in CA... she was saying how it was a shame that we live so far away from each other because she can't play matchmaker for me anymore... here I was thinking that it was only recently that I've been on a hunt for my future husband, but I guess I've always been on a hunt... ever since the break up from my first serious relationship... man, I must be some kind of hot mess.

Anyways, do lists serve a good purpose in this case?

I guess that's that for this post!

Until next week! Have a good one!

<3

For real Single Sally

Fo' real yo!

Here's what I was thinking today...

You know, I've been single before... no biggie... but I haven't been this kind of single. And! By this kind of single, I mean this... :)

So, I've had 2 major relationships in my life.... my first one which lasted 3 years and then my most recent one which was about a year and a half give or take a few months here and there :)

From the time things ended with my first to the time things started with my second was about 3.. maybe 3.5 years. During those 3.5 years I was a single lady..... but!!!

I was a single fresh-piece-of-meat-back-on-the-market kinda single lady!

So, what does a single fresh-piece-of-meat-back-on-the-market kinda single lady do? What does it mean? Here's the recipe!

Single fresh-piece-of-meat-back-on-the-market kinda single lady

3.5 lbs of crushes
4-5 cups of risque business
2 semi-but-not-really-relationships
10 heaping tblspns full of partying
As much super cute, sexy, fun, spicy spices as needed


This recipe really is a flexible one so it can be altered any which way...

THAT, my dear readers, was the kind of single fresh-piece-of-meat-back-on-the-market lady I was!

So, what's so different from the kind of single lady I am now??

I've gotten older, I've gotten more serious... I've gotten... dare I say... boring. sigh.

So this really is the first time when I really... really.... don't have a single male in my life... well, yes there are men in my life... male friends... but not the kind of male friends I want, if ya know what I mean. No offense to you male friends :) I love you all.

I really don't know what the point of this post is... but it just struck me that this is like an adult kind of single. An older kind of single. I ain't playin' around, I'm not having little flings or casual sex or any of the sort. I'm just doing my thing and once in a while hoping for prince charming to come along and sweep me off my feet.

While some of my past posts have been me complaining, whining, crying, depressing about being single and wanting to find/be with my future husband, this weeks post I am going to say and going to try and promise myself to continue being positive about being okay with being single.

I don't need a man, I don't need a man, I don't need a man, I don't need a man....


....


I just fuckin' want one :)

BUT! For the time being, I'm gonna be a rockin' single lady! I'm gonna do my thing, strut my own kinda stuff and when the time is right, it'll be right :)

Until next time ladies and gents!

For the Americans reading this, have a wonderful thanksgiving, lets remember what we're thankful of... and don't say nothin' bout being thankful for them black Friday sales! sheeeit! :)

<3

Break-ups

So, I am part of 20sb is a great networking place for 20 something bloggers (20sb) to get together, network, receive feedback and make friends :) It's pretty cool! On the main page there's this section with discussion topics going on. Last week a friendly blogger posted a discussion "How do women get over a break-up?" Interesting, hu? A dude posted this discussion.

He started it off like this:

I'm pretty sure men just have sex with anything and everything the minute they get broken up with. But I highly doubt it's the same for women. Unless it is, I don't know.

What do you think?

(this was written by The Titan Project)

There was a number of responses to this discussion... it's been going on for about a week.

98% of the responses were from women, of course. There was one response from another dude and a reply from the author of the discussion.

Anyways, most of the gals had the same responses....some of them were stereotypical responses that were to be expected.

- I cry my eyes out and eat ice cream
- I watch chick flicks
- I listen to empowering girl music
- I hang out with my girlfriends
- I too fuck anything and everything
- I make myself busy
- I delete the ex from any and every social networking site

I cringed at the stereotypical responses, the ones like eating ice cream, and watching chick flicks. OY! I know I'm guilty of doing similar things.

So, I knew I wanted to respond to this discussion but I wasn't sure how to. Then I thought long and hard about it and came to this conclusion. Here was my response:

well.. thinking about my most recent break up... it was kinda of like a mourning period... u know those 6 steps of mourning some1s death.. i feel like thats what went on with me...

1. The first month after the break-up he and I were both in denial about it... and trying to give each other hope for the future "we just need to grow individually and maybe next year it'll work" LAME!! I know!!!
2. depression period
3. The "I DON'T NEED YOU I'M BETTER THAN YOU!!!" period (which entails deleting boy from everything :) ) Having a bajillion crushes!
4. ANGER ANGER ANGER (incorporated with a bunch of internet stalking)
5. Well.. i have yet to get there.. but i've gone through this before so! step 5 is probably the coming back to reality and being okay with urself and being alone...slowly coming back and regaining some normalcy
6. WOOHOO!!!! NEW BOY IN LIFE!!!!!... and hoping and praying not to go through this all over again :)

Of course everyone goes through their own thing and deal with break-ups differently, but I think that if we all really look closely at our break-ups I truly believe that there is some sort of process that we go through, similar to the one I wrote above.

Now, with men.... sigh.... I really do hate how this guy started the discussion because I hate the fact that that's how most men deal with it. He basically put men and women in 2 different categories when really all men and all women don't react in those 2 separate ways. I've talked to dudes, some have said that men are more emotional and weaker than women, that it does take longer for them to get over a break-up than it does for women. But I've also seen men have the ability to jump from one relationship to the next...relationship hoping if you will :) Maybe men are just better at hiding their feelings, and its easier for them to sweep the emotional shit under the rug?

The one dude that came up with an actual response to this discussion wrote a semi-good response. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. He, too, sort of categorized men and women in their own stereotypical groups. I do sort of like how he wrote this excerpt, but I don't at the same time....

Best way to view a relationship is to compare it to a paycheck: if you feel like you are expending too much of your time & energy for the chump change you receive in return, then you will quit your job and find another. If you feel like you are earning as much as you deserve, then you'll stick around & see what happens. And if the money is just rolling in, then you are gonna make damn sure you do everything you can to keep your job--even if it means working overtime.

(This was written by Audience of One)

I mean he does make a good point about the idea of give and take and having an equal balance there... but at the same time I definitely do not like how it sort of made relationships sound sterile and not wholesome.

I guess that whole "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" idea makes sense.

In any case, I would love to have a better truer response from a male... because I refuse to believe that fucking anything and everything is the cure to a males side of a break-up.... I refuse!!! Maybe it's also because I'm in denial, because I honestly do believe that that's all men care about. I know, not all men are like that... I guess I just haven't met the right one yet ;)



What are your thoughts, dear readers?

<3

Music to my ears

So!
I was listening to Leonard Cohen and it took me back to a time when love was flowing all around me. This then made me decide to write this post.

Songs and boys. There are lots of songs in my iTunes library that have sentimental value to them. Some of them take me back in time to a place called love. A place when I was in a warm beautiful, comfortable, snuggly cocoon of a relationship.

Here are some songs, possibly followed by who they remind me of, and/or of a specific time....



1. Leonard Cohen - Hey That's No Way To Say Goodbye



The night Rich told me he loved me, I sang this song to him "I loved you in the morning our kisses deep and warm..."..... Looking back on it, I don't know why I sang it because this song is all about saying goodbye... maybe it was a foreshadowing red flag sorta thing?




2. Zero 7 - The Pageant of the Bizarre



This was my and Rich's song. "It's never gonna be, normal you and me, what you're signing up for is a storm at sea" I really do think it puts us, the relationship we had, very well :)



3. Cat Stevens - Don't be Shy



I used to have this major crush on this boy when I lived in CA. His name was Jonathan. One of our major connections was Cat Stevens. On our first and only dates we went to this carnival and then went back to my place. At that time we were allowed onto the rooftop of my apartment building. We went up there with my acoustic guitar and he played me some Cat Stevens songs. I remember wanting to kiss him and tell him I liked him.... but I didn't... I was shy :) So this song reminds me of him... and as an aside, I chose this video because I LOVE, love love love, Harold and Maude :)



4. Keller Williams - Best Feeling



Ethan Ethan Ethan. haha! I LOVE this song! It takes me back, I haven't heard it in ages!!! When Ethan and I first got together Keller Williams was a big part of our lives... in my opinion :) Anyways, I remember listening to this back in the day, and being full of this love and happiness! It was wonderful!!

There are a ton of songs that remind me of Ethan in my iTunes library. He introduced me to almost everything I listen to now. He introduced me to so many Classic Rock and folk musicians. I wasn't all about it then but I am now!!! Bob Marley, seriously ANYTHING Bob Marley reminds me of Ethan. The summer before we started dating and when I really got to know him, Bob Marley was always playing in the car. Mason Jennings definitely reminds me of him, Ben Harper, Jack Johnson.... and someone who he totally would never listen to ... Alicia Keys. The last months of our relationship Alicia Keys album Songs in A Minor was playing non-stop on whatever portable device I had.



5. Gary Jules - Mad World



This song reminds me of Herzl. He was this actor dude I dated when I lived in LA. We dated for a short 3 month period... or something like that :) He made me a mix CD... great songs, this song was one of them.... and its the only one that sticks out... I'll leave it at that :)


Anyways... that's all for now. This was just a little fun spur of the moment blog post!

Hope you enjoyed listening :)

<3

Salt to the wound

Warning: This post may seem negative and mean towards those with significant others. I love love and I love that you all have love in your lives, so do not take this personally. This is just part of my self-exploration in being a single lady.... but more honestly, it's me venting!

Okay, single ladies, please help me out here, let me know I am not the only single woman out here feeling or even thinking this way.

I have been in serious relationships, casual ones, sex-only ones whatever. I have had confidence in the past in being a single woman. For some reason, after my most recent break-up I just can't shake this helpless feeling off of me. What is going on here?! Throw me a freakin' bone. I don't know if it's me not being over my ex (even though I know he is not 'the one' for me), or my biological clocks' alarm going off beeping beeping beeping incessantly telling me I need to find my 'one' before I get old and shrivel up. I am just having a really tough time over here.

After my break-up there was a short mourning period, which quickly jumped into an "I'M BETTER THAN YOU, I DON'T NEED YOU" period.......then the knowledge of my ex having a girlfriend with my same exact name (different spelling, mine is better of course :)) .... made my world come crashing down and now I'm unwillingly being flooded by memories of him and I and our break-up and I just can't seem to shake the sorrow out of my head.

So, why the WARNING? Well, here's the thing, let me start off by saying that I love my girlfriends, I do, I truly do, and I hope and think that they know that. I just got back from having dinner with them and we had some great conversations. Now, I don't expect convos of their significant others to not come up, it's normal it's what we all talk about... boys boys boys. Just because I'm currently single it doesn't mean that these conversations should stop.

My only struggle with this is, that it sort of is just a freakin' struggle. I want to and can relate to the conversation, but how do I relate to it? By bringing up things from my most recent relationship. It's like adding salt to my wounds. I can't tell my gals to not talk about their significant others, and I also can't just sit there in silence refusing to involve myself in their conversation.

All of my closest friends who I live close by to now, have significant others. They all do. I have one old friend that is single but we aren't so super close. So it just kind of sucks. I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong, but I'm going to be honest and say that I'm just jealous.

I also, ugh.. I don't want to be that girl that can't stop whining about being single, or crying about the ex. I try really hard to not bring it up.. but I do bring it up... and I hate it when I do. It's fuckin' redundant bullshit. So, I know I just need to strap them boots on tight and "man" up. I know I just need to move on and walk away from it all.

Single ladies, out there, I ask you, do you feel the same too? Do you struggle with this too? Maybe you're over your ex, but maybe when you sit around a table with gals that have significant others, you feel it.

I miss that confidence I have knowing that I have someone at home keeping the bed warm for me. I miss that warm beat in my heart that knows I have that kind of love in my life. Maybe I just need to learn that the love I have from family and friends is all I need, and I shouldn't depend or wait on a man to love me.

.... ehh... fuck it... I'm a dreamer, I want that, I love love so much.

Help me out here gals. I just need to get my mojo back and live on that high horse of mine that's sitting somewhere in the corner collecting dust.


<3

Apologize!

Minus the Bounty part of this.... lets all sing this together!

I'm sorry..... so sorry.

I've recently been writing letters back and forth with this friend of mine who has done me wrong in the past. He apologized in his last letter to me, but what got to me, and this is something I've realized so many times before, was : WHY CAN'T MEN SAY THEY ARE SORRY. All you have to do is say or write "I'm sorry." Two very simple words. Very simple.

Now, I understand you have that fuckin' ego thing in the way but seriously... in all of my relationships with men not one that I can remember have ever said "I'm sorry" when they were clearly in the wrong. They have either 1. Denied it 2. Blamed it on me or 3. Said it in so many words just not by using those 2 simple words.

Gah!!!! It's just so frustrating. I know I'm being sexist here. I understand that both men and women have trouble apologizing. It just seems that every man I've run into, and men that some of my gals know, just don't have those 2 words in their vocabulary. It also seems that, okay, while these 2 words do exist in a males vocabulary they seem to vanish out of thin air once they enter a relationship. It's just all so confusing. I hope all of you that don't know how to own up to your shit, know that we do see that as you being weaker rather than stronger....right?

Anyways, maybe I'm being too negative about this all. I mean, maybe it is better that in the 3rd instance men do use all those words instead of "I'm sorry" because those other words, those acknowledgments, have more meaning? I hope that makes sense...

Take me for example. I apologize all the fuckin' time. I apologize way too much. I apologize so much that my coworker has started yelling at me about it. So maybe that makes my "I'm sorries" less meaningful? For stupid little things that clearly aren't my fault or I have no reason to be apologetic for my "I'm sorries" mean nothing. When it comes to serious matters, if I realize that I'm in the wrong, I will say "I'm sorry" and I will fuckin' mean it.

I get that having to say your sorry is a really hard thing to do, I get it. Denial isn't going to get you anywhere, because denial only means that you know you're in the wrong and you can't be strong enough to just give it up. Blaming me is complete bullshit, that just shows how unrealistic you are. Saying you're sorry in so many words I think is the best. So, scratch out that first paragraph of me bitching about this dudes lack of ability to say "I'm sorry" he did own up to his actions.

So, while I started this post with being pissed off that my friend didn't write those 2 words I'm okay with what he did write, he did acknowledge my feelings and by doing that he apologized. All you other dudes that deny and blame.... change your game because I don't know how long you'll last..... :)

I guess the problem is, is not realizing we are in the wrong. Maybe that's it. Maybe men just don't realize when they're in the wrong. They aren't as sensitive to other peoples feelings are women are. Once again, I'm not trying to be sexist, I'm sure there are men out there that are sensitive and in tune to other peoples feelings. I guess I just need to work on which men I allow into my life.

The thing is though, when I think about the main men that have come and gone in my life, they were super, hyper, uber sensitive, as much as they want to deny it, they were...still are. Which I guess comes to the conclusion that you can't get a good "I'm sorry" from a super sensitive man nor a hard core bad boy. The in-betweener would be a gals best bet.

So men, ya'll need to either learn how to say "I'm sorry" or how to acknowledge someones feelings. Ya'll need to stop being in denial and take the fuckin' blame! I know I'm not perfect and I know I've probably been in the wrong and have been in denial or blamed others at one point or another but, after all I am a woman and I am almost... well, pretty much 100% perfect ;)


hehehe... I allow you to yell at me :)



And! To bring this back full circle. You boys that don't know how to say "I'm sorry" you may want to look into having a relationship with Bounty :) The other boys out there that do know how to say "I'm sorry" or acknowledging feelings here's a big THANK YOU. Thank you for picking up after your mess!

So, let's all say "I'm sorry" and own up to it!!

<3

p.s. While I do realize this was a men-bashing post, I would like to strongly stress again that I know women can be at fault of these things too.... it's just easier to blame you men...shit, there I go, putting the blame on you guys ::slaps hand:: ... sigh.... This does not discredit anything that I've said!!!!!!

Smooch

Yup! Smoochie poo!!! How many epic, movie-like first kisses have you had?!?! Lying in bed this morning I began to think about my memorable first kisses and some of them were so movie-like that I figured I should share them! How exciting!! I get to re-live them! I can't wait!

First kisses are such a defining fuckin moment for us all. They are either what we hoped or expected them to be, horrible and disgusting thus ending the infatuation, or far exceeds anything you could ever imagine!!! First kisses are, what I kind of think, the very first thing that gets the ball rolling... or not. We all have thousands of crushes all over the place, and when and if the feelings are mutual the first kiss is what really starts things off.

So, here are some of my memorable first kisses.... smooch!


French Kiss

My very first french kiss!!! Wait, my very first kiss with a boy!!! Ya'll remember Bert Williams from Nostalgia Part 1? Well, he was my very first kiss! First french kiss! If you did read that post I'm pretty sure you might remember the whole weird boob thing that went down but I don't think I really talked about actually kissing him! Well, I don't remember how it went down, it was probably in the movie theater, in fact I think it was. I vivdly remember the thoughts and feelings I had when our tongues touched. It was so weird!!! His tongue was a thick muscle, and grainy too. I just remember being schocked by the graininess of his tongue. I never imagined or knew what it would feel like, tongue touching tongue for the first time! It was almost alien like. But of course, I loved how it felt, not just how it felt in my mouth, but how my body felt when kissing. Gah! I love kissing! Thank you Bert Williams for being the first to introduce me into the wonderful world of making out! My tongue was probably like "SCORE!!! WE DID IT!!! WE MADE HEADWAY!!!!" First tongue action....check!


Peck

I might have mentioned this dude before in a past post... yes, my Closure post the boy that I imagined growing old with. Well my first kiss wasn't epic epic but it was really cute and sweet and really holds a nice picture in my head of what young love once was. So this dude, I met him online when I was like a junior or senior in High School. Anyways, my senior year of High School or the summer before or after, I can't remember, there was the Warped Tour going on. This dude lived in the NYC area and I lived in the Philadelphia area (and we still do :) ). Anyways we decided to meet at the Warped Tour in NYC that summer. I asked two of my gals to join me and they did. We got to the Warped Tour, and I met up with him. Such a cutie! Anyways! So we spent some time together then drifted off separately with our friends. At the end before I left, I went to say goodbye to him. I had never been this bold before in my entire life (....17yrs at that time haha). I leaned in, and gave him a cute, quick peck on his lips. It wasn't anything grandiose or hot and heavy, but it was sweet and full of love. I can still remember the feeling of that smile on my face.



Forgetful

This first kiss was cute, memorable, and very movie-like! This was the ultimate "so the things that happen in romantic movies CAN happen in real life" event! This kiss was given to me by my first love, my first serious relationship, my first everything real and serious. It all started the summer after graduating High School. He was going through some stuff so he was hanging out with a close friend of mine so that summer he, 2 of my bffs and I spent the whole summer together. I got to liking him and he got to liking me :) Both of us were shy and didn't really make any moves. Then I moved 2 hrs away to go to college, but we still kept in touch. I came home to visit sometime in the winter and this is when the magic happened!!

It all started with a weekend full of hanging out together. One of my bffs kind of coaxed him into staying over my house one night, it was supposed to be a sleep over with all of us, but then she and her boy left last min! Awkwardness prevailed! The next day we spent the whole day togethter, we went out and had brunch, we made a snowman, and went sledding! The next day we went and visited my bff at college, and spent the whole day with her and her man. Then! The next day was the day! We went to the movies with a friend of mine, then he dropped her off and drove me home.

I know this is a long description of this first kiss, it was a major one! I had to give a background story. So! he dropped me off and I remember going inside and being upset at myself for not kissing him, not making the move! I was bitching to my mom about it about how I wanted to kiss him but didn't. Then I went up to my room and heard a car outside so I looked out the window, thinking it'd be my sister... but it wasn't... it was him! He was calling my name, and I responded with "yeah?" and he said "come outside" (btw, I had to consult my old journal ... I didn't remember ALL of this :) ) . So I go outside, and he says to me "I forgot to give you something" and in my head I knew it, I knew we were going to kiss! So I said "oh, really?" Then he kissed me!!! I remember thinking I sucked because I was so completely nervous! But this was like the best first kiss ever! The events that surrounded it, the innocence, purity and genuineness of it all. It was beautiful! It led to a wonderful 3 yr relationship. <3



Magical

There's this forest area in my neighborhood where I grew up, it is known as The Magic Forest. It's a place where teens go to do rebellious stuff, like do drugs, have sex and get away from the parents. My friends and I would go and do illegal bonfires, those were the best! Of course there was the occasional smoking pot or sex sessions ;) Anyways, this kiss.... this magical kiss. This too was also pulled out of a movie. When I lived in CA I would come back to the east coast to visit once in a while. This one particular time, this dude came to visit me for the weekend. I was sick as a dawg! Snotty and a hoarse voice! We decided to go to the magic forest for a nice bonfire. The season was the end of fall turning into winter. I brought my box of tissues and we brought some matches.

When you enter the magic forest its all trees, as it should be, but you follow this path to a nice clearing where bonfires are held. We got to the clearing, there were bottles and trash left behind from whoever visited it last. We found a good spot, I sat on a fallen tree trunk while he went and searched for wood for the fire. He gathered the wood and set it up nicely for good fire starting. He got the fire started and we just sat there and watched the fire. At first he sat far from me, then he came and sat right next to me. He put his arm around me to keep me warm. It was sweet. Then he leaned in and kissed me. It was a nice kiss. I know this part doesn't seem that magical, but wait for the rest!

So, I know that was the first initial kiss with him, but you know how sometimes the first kiss is like this event full of kisses. Anyways, we got up to walk around the clearing a bit. Then we stood at this one spot, and looked at the sun setting. He held me close to him and then it started to snow, little flurries. It truly was magical. Picture the setting, us watching the sunset and little snow flurries all around us. This was when he kissed me again. The most perfect kiss in the most perfect setting. So romantic, so simple, so beautiful. :)



Star Gazing

No, this doesn't involve star gazing. I was on my second date with this dude. He was 10 yrs older than me, and an aspiring actor (this was when I lived in LA.....go figure...). We went to the Griffith Observatory on this particular date. This was my first time at Griffith.... Griffith is now my favorite place in LA (not because of this kiss)! So from Griffith you can see all of LA! When the sun sets you get this beautiful view:

(not sure if this picture does any justice but it truly is breath taking when you're there in person)

Anyways!!! So this ledge that is in the picture we were standing right there watching the sunset over LA and that is where he kissed me. It was a nice kiss nothing major but nice and sweet. Like I said in my last kiss, sometimes the first kiss is like this event of kisses. So then after Griffith we went to dinner then drove back to his place where I had my car parked. He parked his car, we got out and stood at the back of his car to say our goodbyes. Then, the hottest make out session commenced. He kissed me goodbye, naturally, but we could not stop! We were interlocked and making out! It was hot! and it was heavy!! He pushed me up against his trunk and we were just into it, nothing else existed at that moment! He could not let go of me and I him. I miss make out sessions like those. It was just so intense and filled with passion and hot hot love! It was like our lips were made for each other! Sigh.... we dated for 3 months and that was it for me and actor boy.



Anyways! Those first kisses were the most memorable kisses I've had. It's a shame I can't really remember any of the others. Oh well! Maybe there's a reason for that! haha!!! Well, I hoped you enjoyed reading my memorable first kisses as much as I did reliving them :)

<3

Dreams

So, dreams.... what can we say about dreams... there is a lot of money being made out there with those dream dictionaries floating around. Do any of them hold any kind of truth? Any real value? Maybe when it comes to concrete things like birth, death, buffalos things like that (not to say that birth and death and life is concrete).... but one thing a dream dictionary cannot decipher is the Ex. Those lovely dreams we wake up from that leaves us tormented for the rest of the day, the fuckin' ex has to pop up during our lovely REM time. As if they didn't already cause enough turmoil!?

No matter which way the dream goes it always ends up being bad. Alright, I'm probably being negative nancy again, I'm sure there are some nice dreams that just leave a nice smile on your face. Or maybe if you have a significant other the dream doesn't bother you as much. But even so, I'm sure deep deep deep down inside there lies some longing, or bitterness, anger, distress :)

So, I don't know how you go about your ex dreams but seriously... shit, i guess i don't know how i go about mine. Sometimes I get them and I wake up from them I think about it for a bit and I let it pass. When I'm not over the dude I get realllly angry. Hulk like angry, almost like the second half of my last post :)

Anyways, most of the time I try to find meaning to this ex dream. First of all why is he in my head still, why?!?! Second of all, what the fuck does it mean? Third of all get the fuck outta my head!!!!!! Fourth of all if it means something good, then give it to me already universe!! GOSH!!

Lets tackle the first one: Why is he still in my head, why?!?! So he's obviously still in my thoughts, in my conscious or subconscious thoughts. I find it being the case that he's probably in both. Whenever a conversation about the ex pops up I almost always have a dream about him that night or within a day or 2. So, maybe I should train myself to just not talk about my exes anymore. Just never talk about them. I'm not saying I talk about them all the time, well, maybe I do? sheesh.... I'm sorry to my friends if I do. I think I do... ugh.. THAT'S MY PROBLEM!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!...next

Second, What the fuck does it mean? So, while some dreams are kind of decipherable others are just not. Like, I had a dream the other night featuring my most recent ex and it was so weird. It was a mix of him telling me he's moving to the east coast and wants to be with me and marry me, and then we went through all that and then it ended up with him ALSO marrying some other chick. So, what the fuck does that mean? According to my assumptions :) and my calculations, I think my most recent ex has already moved on and has started seeing someone. So maybe that dream symbolized the movement from me to her. Either way, the dream fucked me up...shit, this whole thing fucked me up.

Then there are times when I'm with someone and an ex pops up. Or, get this! A friend of mine was telling me and my gals how she has a dream about her ex at least once a month!!! And they have been broken up for like... what'd she say? 4 yrs? So what does that mean? She's completely over him and is in a relationship now, but what the fuck does that mean? Does he have some significant role, some significant meaning every time he pops up?

Thirdly, Get the fuck outta my head!!!!! Seriously, get the fuck out of it. I know it's not you and that it's totally me.. but please just fuckin' spare me! I don't need to rehash my feelings over and over every time I wake up from dreaming about you! Like I said before, I guess I just need to learn to not think about an ex, not actively engage my brain in the ex.... cuz then his stench wanders off into other parts of my brain and I'm left dreaming about him. GAH!

And, last but not least if it means something good, then give it to me already universe!! GOSH!! (Here comes the desperate ::achem:: passionate? paragraph :))Seriously. You know how some of the dream meanings out there sort of mean the opposite? Like Death actually means something good. It actually means birth... a rebirth of something... the ending of one thing leaves the door open for new possibilities. So, if I have a dream with an ex in it, will it mean a hot Italian stallion (actually, no, I'm assuming Italian Stallions are cocky! But I think you get the idea.)...okay, no Italian stallion... just some good guy will come knocking on my door.... yeah.. okay... nice try, I know. If that's what EX dreams meant, I'd have a fuckin' line of men at my door. But seriously, if it will lead to something good, if the culmination of all these annoying EX dreams leads to a pot of gold, I'm ready for it. I am 100% ready for this good thing to come. Universe, just give it to me, hand it on over. Maybe I just gotta give more to the universe to get a better response....

So, if any one out there wants to make a good deal of money, please write a dreams dictionary solely on dreams involving exes! I'd do it, but it'd just be a bitter bitter angry book :) That's how I roll!

Until next time!


<3

I don't want....

Alright, first off, sorry about last week... I was exhausted and had no time or honestly no motivation to write. I like to try and do a weekly post and sometimes I just force it and it comes out like shit... so la de da... here's hoping this one wont fail :)


Secondly, I wasn't quite sure what to write about this week, then my bestie sort of hinted at it last night and well, here I am, writing an entry about what I don't want. Now, you remember that big fad a year or 2 ago, The Secret fad? How you should think positively and whatever you put out comes back to you. So it went on about how you should form your sentences into positive ones because when you put out what you don't want, when you focus on that, that's all you're going to get.... well.... this post is going to serve as a big FUCK YOU to that idea :)

Let's try something here... I'm going to write about what I don't want... and maybe I'll try and add what I do want right after.... let's see how this will work out!

I don't want to be that girl that starts every conversation with "I need a boyfriend..." One of my girls brought it up the other night... she was referring to an acquaintance she knows that all she talks about is obviously needing a boyfriend. While this blog is about embracing being a single lady, desperately ::achem:: passionately wanting a significant other, and whatever encounters I have with an apple of my eye... I definitely do not want to be that annoying girl. naggy naggy naggy naggy naggy... blah blah blah.

I do want a significant other...haha... but!
While on that search, I want to solidify myself so that I don't have to depend on a man and see him as an accessory but more so an investment.

I don't want to settle. Nope nope nope. While I am determined to find my future husband before I turn an old old age where I have no room in my life for a man because of the plethora of cats that will be living with me, I will not settle. Too many marriages go sour due to settling, a life of unhappiness happens due to settling. Disrespecting yourself, not loving yourself, comes with settling. But, wait, some people settle and are aware of the choice they are making so I don't mean any disrespect to those of you out there. I was a bit harsh, so, I do apologize. Who knows, maybe I will hit a breaking point and end up settling as well.....

I do want to find the love of my life. Cheesy, I know.
I want to live passionately and grow together and individually with another person.
I want love in my life every day.

I don't want to be that girl that no man can be serious with. I know this is kind of silly and odd. But just because I'm silly and sensitive and am all over the place, doesn't mean you shouldn't man up. I'm not sure if this is making any sense. I'm just tired of falling for boys. I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on toddlers. I'm tired of not finding a real fuckin' man who can fuckin' own up and hold his own. You know what.... this should be changed to...

I don't want to be with a fucking boy. I don't think this needs explanation. Because you know what, it ain't my problem, it's theirs. The only problem I have is fuckin' falling for these boys!

you know what else I don't want?

I don't want to be that girl that leads you to your wife. I don't want that. I don't want to be that one that shows you the way, teaches you about life, shows you love and compassion and all the things you thought you could never have... (believe me, I really don't think THAT highly of myself... I know I'm coming off as conceited and self absorbed.... ugh I'm turning into one of those girls... save me!) BUT IT'S TRUE!!!! I feel like most of the relationships I've been in, they tell me I'm special and this and that and ::doing the jerking off gesture:: blah blah blah.... then we part ways and they find their wives! OK!!! OKAY!!! OKAY!!!! I know I'm completely exaggerating, this only happened with one ex of mine..... BUT STILL!!!! WHAT'S TO STOP IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN!!!??

(breathing in and out) X (infinity) = solace.....?

GAH!

I do want ........ wait for it.....


wait for it....

(let's see if you can guess....)

you ready??


I want a fucking man.

<3


Note: I am aware that I started this post cool calm and collective.... and then I slowly... or actually, rather quickly turned into psycho single woman hulk. I may have become that "I need a boyfriend" girl, and guess what I will not apologize for it. Have a wonderful week!

New post to be up in a day or two... please check back!
Thanks!

Shift

So, I know I've written silly posts, serious posts, and posts that have helped me figure me out through this journey in singledom. Here I go, so, I see a therapist about once a week, it was one of my goals when I moved back to the east coast 6 months ago. The last visit with her I was sort of at a low point. Behind my silly posts and my posts where I seem strong and defiant and feeling A-OKAY about being a single woman, there is a sad desperate me. In all seriousness, jokes aside on this post...

I kind of hit a wall in my last session. I felt like I was just kidding myself in this whole process. I look at my exes who have moved on, are in new relationships, or even married and I look at myself and don't understand why I am always left being single. (Note: There is nothing wrong with being single. It's actually quite lovely! You can be as selfish as you'd like! Go where you want, do what you want etc.). It only makes me think "Is there something wrong with me?!!?!?" Of course when I asked this question I was semi-yelled at "NO!" But how can I help feeling this feeling of helplessness?

I went on to tell my therapist how much I hate how desperate I am. How I try to accept this being single, this not being on a path I thought I'd be on by now. Then she presented me with a question: "Well, Neomie, what is the difference between being desperate and having passion towards something?" I saw clearly what she was getting at, I get it, I know! I replied with "Well a desperate person has that want and need for this thing, but they want it so bad that it's sad and that they kind of end up feeling helpless....they have no confidence in getting what they want..." Passion?!?! Well, I thought that was an easy answer "Passion is when you also want something so bad, you have so much love for it but you have, you own that confidence in attaining that passion."

So, I guess the big question here now is, "where's the confidence?"

When we were all 18/19 most of us created some sort of plan for ourselves, even if we weren't serious about it, we still sort of hung onto it, it's still in us. We all set goals for ourselves- "Where will I be when I'm 30?" type of goals. Back then I thought life was a bitch but by the time I'd turn 30 I'd be with my future husband, have a stable career and start thinking about having babies and starting a family. I'm 27...30 is coming up around the bend.... and it doesn't look like I'm headed towards that dream/goal/plan I had. Yes, I still have that plan, but I just have to change that #....that age. There's a shift in my plans now, it's not as cookie cutter as I hoped it'd be. So, that's where my confidence went...my plan failed, so therefore... I have failed.

Shake that shit out of your system!!!!!!! Pronto!!! That, my friend, is where my desperation stems from.

It's not only bad that I feel this, but I also get it from my mother. Pushing my age and not having that jewish husband...oy!!!

Where do I go from here? How do I change the feeling of desperation into passion? How can I gain confidence?

Being/thinking/living positively rather than negatively? Just accepting this, giving in and let whatever happen, happen?

I've tried it all!! So, universe, I look up at you at night and you give me no answers. I've got nothing to work with.

On a more positive note. I love how I've challenged myself these past few months. If I wasn't single none of these milestones would've been accomplished. I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned how to start loving myself and all of that cheesy crap.

I'm completely open for love and from this day forward I will stop looking at it in desperation but with passion. When it's time, it's time...I just wish the time was now..haha!

Thanks for reading!

<3

Babies

So, well, this week has been a busy week. By the time Friday rolled around I was stressing about what to write for this weeks posting! I was asking my co-workers and I was desperately trying to figure out what to write. I had several ideas to write about 1. How sex does/doesn't change things 2. Ex Rules and 3. Marriage. Alas, the universe allowed this weeks post to present itself right on time! For those of you who are new readers, I wrote about this once before. Whenever I force myself to think of a new post idea I either write a silly post or I force an idea and it just doesn't come out right, but! Before the time I normally put up posts, an idea presents itself. Well here is this last min idea!

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So, this is the 21st century, and times definitely have changed!

I just got back from seeing The Switch, while it was a typical Jennifer Aniston chick flick, I came out of it with some goals in mind! A lot of movies these past few years have a story line based around single, financially stable women giving up on the traditional idea of finding a husband THEN having kids and completely doing it the other way around! The Switch, Backup Plan, Baby Mamma etc. I am very well aware that these are Hollywood ideals of what happens to single ladies who attempt this. I know that when you get artificially inseminated Mr. Future Husband doesn't really come strolling around the corner... I am very well aware that Hollywood is a complete load of fuckin bullshit.... but at the same time... looking at it in the perspective of being single and deciding to have a kid on your own, it is very possible!

So!!! I decided, that when I turn 30...or maybe 31.. no.. maybe when I turn 30 (i'll take that year to make the final decision) but when I turn 30, if I have a stable career where I have a good constant income coming in that would allow me financially to go through artificial insemination, and I am not with my Future Husband, I'd totally do it!

It was kind of like a light bulb went off in my head, like I finally got it, like everything was clearer. I am crazy over babies, I can not wait to have babies. I can't wait to experience having something growing inside of me, I can't wait to experience childbirth, I can't wait for it all! Giving and growing life just excites the hell outta me.

This whole time though, I thought that I needed to have a husband in order to take the next step and have a baby. BUT I DON'T!!!!

It really is funny, I've always had this cookie cutter idea of what my life is supposed to be, how its supposed to be played out. Now as I near 30 I am learning that it's okay that my life isn't turning out the way I thought it should. I was struggling with that, but I'm coming to terms with it and I think I'm okay with being independent and doing this whole thing on my own.

While I can't wait to get married and be with my Future Husband, it doesn't all have to happen in a specific order! I was thinking about Marriage the other day (hence one of the ideas for a blog post....) and when I see the customers that I have and I see which ones have rings on their fingers and what not it just seemed so odd to me. Some people I look at and I wonder if they are happy, I wonder if they just settled so that THEY can fit that cookie cutter lifestyle. I wonder if they think about life the way I do. I can't wait to get married and start that kind of lifestyle, but I also know that I can't and will not ever settle. I know that my happiness is the most important thing. That is why I've come to terms with me being single and that I don't mind it that much....sometimes :)

If having a baby on my own is part of my own happiness, I don't need to be married to do it. I am a forever changing, growing human being. I am slowly finding my place in this universe and in my world.

I love how women have become more independent thinkers, workers and breeders.

I thank you science for making artificial insemination possible!


So come on single women lets root root root for the home team and get cracking on living outside of the mold!

<3

"Closure"

"When the lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window"
- Nun lady in The Sound of Music

Truer words have never been said sista! Preach on!

Yes, if you read the title, this post is about "closure"

What does "closure" mean to you? How do you go about finding "closure"? When you think you've found it, did it actually happen? Does it even exist!?!?!!?

Fuckin' closure! You break up with what you thought was the love of your life and then the next steps are getting over the heartache and finding "closure."

Speaking from personal experience "closure" is the best excuse we use in the book to see that lost love, one last time. Yes, of course we look at it in an "adult" fashion and say to ourselves, and our besties, "I just need closure, I swear I'm over him/her I just need to see him/her one last time just to say goodbye so I can move on.... I swear, this will be the last time I ever see/think/talk to/about him/her " (haha was that last part a little confusing?!?!! eep!) I'm sure you've said that or something similar to that many times in your life, or for the lucky people maybe once or even NEVER (bitter)! While it is said with good intentions, it never really works out that way, does it?

I think I can recall the first time I ever used that word, "closure." I used to date this boy, for a brief amount of time, we were friends for a while before dating. Our relationship was immature and not real at all, but I always had a dream that he was the one! I dreamed of us having kids with crazy curly hair running around, I dreamed of us growing old together. He was the first and really only man I've dated where I could actually picture these things.

So, there came a time when I was able to meet up with him. I told myself, and my bestie, how great it'll be to finally have "closure" and that this meeting would be it for me and that I'd never have fond feelings for him again. Fast-forward 7 years later and here I am still holding onto those ideas.

Think back to your first time you thought you were going to find that "closure."

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closure |ˈklō zh ər|
noun
an act or process of closing something, esp. an institution, thoroughfare, or frontier, or of being closed : road closures | hospitals that face closure.
• a thing that closes or seals something, such as a cap or zipper.
• a resolution or conclusion to a work or process : he brings modernistic closure to his narrative

(taken from the macbook dictionary).............. (yes, I'm a mac user... don't judge)

Part of this definition of closure is referring to things, physical things... then there is the part of this definition that refers to an idea, but they seem to be concrete objective ideas. When we speak of closure in relationships, it is quite clearly personal and filled with emotions.

Closure with exes is just an idea. It never happens when you want it to, it just happens...or doesn't happen. Closure, I think, is just wishful thinking... especially and, possibly, only if you force it. Maybe I'm being pessimistic about this whole closure deal? I just know that from my experience and from the experiences of my friends closure never happens that one last meeting. You want to know what happens that one last meeting?......this is what happens

1. You either FUCK... yes... you fuck... don't fucking sit there and deny it! We've all done it... it's the worst idea ever... and we are all aware of how bad it is the second we walk through that door and instantly know its going to happen. I'm pretty sure I speak the truth when I say we know it's going to happen the moment we walk through that door. Where was it that I read this or heard this? You can tell the vibe of the meeting within the first 5 min of being with someone. I would assume that this would happen especially!!!! Especially, when you've already been romantically involved with this person. Vibes are strong and while we are human, we've still got a little bit of that 6th sense.

2. It is the most awkward meeting ever. More awkward than your first date or the first time you kissed or whatever! Fuckin' awkward. You can't be cool and comfortable like you were before you broke up. So, those little things you two used to do, you actually have to consciously remind yourself that those are no longer allowed. So, maybe what makes it so awkward is that you both spend your time trying to avoid these things?

3. That definitely is NOT the last time you see or talk to him/her....we all know this happens! When it does happen, please, just please, for yourself and for the other person, just stop it. It's not helping anything or anyone. It just makes it harder on the both of you. When one finally lets go first, the other one is left feeling crushed and bitter...which makes the heartache worse. "I thought you said you loved me and wanted to try and somehow work it out!" or "I thought we were going to try and be friends." The whole friend thing really only works in a land filled with rainbows, unicorns, leprechauns etc. Harsh, but true.... <3 style="font-weight: bold;">

4. You are just one cool fuckin' lucky duck and it all comes to you easy as pie... even though for some people pie ain't that easy... (....yeah....)

Listen, I'm no professional when it comes to this shit. This whole blog is all about me writing about my personal experiences, my thoughts, my opinions... I'm no Dr. Of-Fucked-Up-Relationships (even though I think I am pretty close to it), so bear with me.. and if you disagree please do not hesitate to use the comment section below :)

Anyways!!! So!! Closure!!! It's just an idea people! Either time does the healing of wounds or you have to really make an effort to actually deal with these feelings and move on!

So, about the boy I mentioned earlier, the one I imagined growing old with... this boy has dicked me over plenty of times that he's basically handed "closure" to me on a silver... no... FUCKIN' GOLD! platter. Alas, I still found myself stuck.

You want to know what's helping me through all this closure business? This, is my new form of closure, "Goodbye!"

Yep!

That's it!! As simple as that!!

When that boy crosses my mind I just say goodbye to him every time!

So, boys and girls, lets all virtually hold hands together and say goodbye to those exes of ours. The ones that still have a hold on us, goodbye...the ones that broke our hearts countless amounts of times,goodbye.... the ones that just didn't get it, goodbye....the ones that cheated on us, fucked us over, abused us (emotionally/physically) GOODBYE!!

Goodbye!

Scream it if you have to! I'm serious... GOODBYE!!!!

Join me!

In the comment section, I think it'd be really cool if you added your Goodbye, do it anonymously if you want to. Either write the name or write "goodbye to the boy/girl that broke my heart" or whatever they did! I'm serious! Let's do this!

Here's mine:



Goodbye Matt



Goodbye Spencer



Goodbye Rich





I love easily, and I hurt easily.... but it's hard for me to let go.

Remember, when that door is closed, a window is opened.

<3

What's my deal?

So!

I have a couple confessions to make..... I've spoken with some people about these confessions and some see things the same as I do... some don't... either way.... here are my list of confessions.

1. I hate mullets...men or women sporting mullets doesn't matter what sex...what gender...whatever... I can't stand mullets! Even if you're super hot like Boone on Lost is/was... he was fuckin' fine, but he sported a mini mullet and every time he turned his head and I saw the back of it.... my head turned towards the bucket.

2. I want to hook up with a chick. There ya go, I said it! Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to, it's just been inside of me for too long. While my closest friends know this, I figured I might as well get it out in the open. I'm going to be honest and say that I'm one of those stereotypical straight girls that just wants to experience a nice, hot, hookup with a nice, hot, chick :)

3. Crotches. Whether it be men or women, I have a tendency to stare at them. With women it's more so the case of making sure they don't have a camel toe. I can't stand camel toes, and I do not understand how women (or men) who sport them could stand them either. Seriously people, that shit can not be comfortable! And men, while it's nice to get a heads up as to what the deal is with your package, when you're wearing pants that seriously act as saran wrap or some shit and you can SEE it.. please... do not expect me NOT to look at it. I mean, maybe that's the whole point. I know not a lot of American men wear pants THAT tight, European men do for sure.... I have a story to tell and I'm not sure if it's appropriate.... heck.. I'll share it anyways!

A couple of years ago I was visiting family in France. Yep, Europe. Which means that there's the possibility that some of my family members enjoy sporting tight pants. One night, the possibility became factual. We were all getting ready to go out for a nice dinner. I was hanging out in the living room and one of my male relatives walks in with tight ass fuckin' pants! Okay, so, his shit was literally right in my face, I couldn't NOT look at it! So, I did, only for a quick second... and then... I think he caught me looking for that one split second... and thus began the stream of awkward vibes throughout the rest of the trip.... sigh..... This past summer when I went to visit again.... he wore the pants, I made a mental note not to accidentally look.


Sidenote: So when I think about this next confession and confession #3 it leads me to believe that maybe I just really need to get laid....??.... it's been a while... anyways! On to confession #4!!!!


4. Sometimes when I'm in public places, I peruse the sea of people, and point out men in my mind. I look at them and decide which ones I'd fuck and which ones I wouldn't fuck. I know this might sound odd and a bit vulgar perhaps....but I know I'm not the only person that thinks this way!! I KNOW I'M NOT! Here's the worse part. When I go to "holy" places it's worse. I see men with their wives and I think to myself, yeah I'd do him....probably better than his wife!!! eep!! I'm going to hell!!!! I seriously need to get laid, this is so sad!!


5. I do this really horrible thing where I tend to fall for boys that look like my exes. So bad! I know! Like, Mr. Dickies, totally reminds me of an ex asshole of mine. I'm a masochist I guess? I don't know. I definitely have the same taste which is good I guess, but then I create all these ideas that the ex-look-a-like is just a better version of the real ex. When I moved to CA the first time, there was this boy I met at a social thing, and he looked exactly like my ex (the one I left when I moved to CA) so of course my wounds were still sore, I kinda stuck to that poor ex-look-a-like like a fuckin' leech...

That's all I have for now.
I know, you readers are lucky this week.. what? 3 posts in one week!! Hot damn!!!

So, If I ever miss a week, I don't want to hear any bitching or complaining! ya hear!!!!? hehe
And, forgive me if this sounds choppy or if I have typos, I'm posting this at 1am and I'm about to pass out!!!

What are some of your confessions?

night!
<3