So, Happy Thanksgiving... la de da! Hope ya'll had a good one! I'm here in Dallas visiting my mom for this holiday. Let me cut to the chase... I wasn't even here a full 24hrs and her and my father already started with this fuckin matchmaking business. Could you believe it!?! I indulged them because at first I was thinkin' "alright, why not take a chance" then I got so annoyed by it, and knowing them, the more I say no, the more they persist... whatever you resist persists! So, once I gave the okay... which by the way, was said with a sigh (the hint went unnoticed), my mom rushed to her ipad and sent the "go ahead" email to the other matchmaking side.
Now, I do understand that they care about me and about my happiness and la de da. BUT!!!! There are several things that bothered me, several things that got me thinking:
1. Destiny. I touched on you before, and while I do believe in you, there are several things that bother me about you, sorry... let me re-iterate. Let me describe to you this dude the parents are trying to set me up with and the situation around it and how it relates to you, destiny.
We used to live right outside of chicago, we moved when i was 7. I have immigrant parents, so chicago was their first stomping ground, and the people they met really helped them out a lot, thus becoming life long friends. So, the couple they met had like 4 kids (?) who are all grown up and have families now. Well, one of their kids had a bar-mitzvah so my parents went. There, they met the brother of their friend who has 2 sons one is 40somethin and the other is just about to turn 40. So, theyre tryin to set me up with this close to 40yr old. Which already raises a red flag, but I'll discuss that in another bullet point :) He's a teacher at a really good Deaf school up in Berkely, CA, he is also Deaf, and he's not bad lookin....
Destiny, this is how my mother thinks you play a role in this whole matchmaking venture her and my father are on. My mom excitedly said to me at one point "What if this is destiny!?!!? What if we were supposed to meet our friends in Chicago just so you could marry their nephew! What if that's the reason why you did Deaf Studies!?! This all makes sense!"
Destiny, what if there is no meaning or reasoning behind certain things....Destiny, you makes us read into things too much and thus we create odd expectations... what if things just are.... why not just let things be. Destiny, I think you may be some kind of meddler in a weird twisted way, and I really don't like it. I only like you when you work in my favor.. which makes this relationship very one sided and makes me sound selfish... in any case, stop meddling and stop giving us excuses to be hopeful for a moment, let us live in reality.
2. The 40yr old thing... came as a complete shock! I still feel like I'm 25.. but really, I'm fuckin 28... im turning 29 in a month... what the fuck. And, really, it is possible for me to date someone 10 yrs older than me.. I did it when I was 24 (remember Mr. Zohan?)! So this whole thing came as like an age realization shock... I'm going to be 29 and I still feel like im 25... even still, a high schooler, I'm jsut as confused about life and the future as I was when I was 18! I'm not sure I'm ready to date a real adult! hahaha Which kinda brought me down too cuz I'm in this struggle... when I was in HS I used to be obsessed with Britney Spears (don't judge) and this song comes to mind "I'm not a Girl, not yet a woman." That's how I feel.
3. A big issue! I wasn't here 24hrs and they're trying to set me up.... not 24hrs! Not even a full day!!!!!!!! I haven't seen my mom in like 6 months and I come see her and this is what we're gonna waste our time on!?!??! This is what pissed me off, the fact that no matter what, there's a problem with me being single, no matter what, I need to have someone. I think I was finally able to put this correctly in my mind and now in words on this blog, I kinda feel like who i am as an individual doesn't account too much unless i have a significant other and i feel like i've been conditioned to think that way too, and that's not right, not at all.
Ya know, the past few months have been rough for me. In my Patience post I think I wrote about how I put myself out there and my feelings and ended up breaking my own heart. While going through all of that I just kinda zoomed through it but really, now that things have slowed down it hit me hard and i've been struggling with, really, just letting go of all of this love shit. I'm going to be patient and it's taken some hard work and pain to get to this place. While I'm independent, I am extremely emotionally dependent. My goal is to become emotionally independent. I want to recondition myself, to empower myself in really believing that all I need is myself, and whoever comes along will be a great addition to my life... and may eventually turn into our life... but for now, I'm the most important thing in my life and I really have to own it and believe it and not just write and talk about it.....
Actions speak louder than words.
So!!!! In Conclusion.....
Dear Parents,
For the last and final time, I ask of you, please never ever ever ever ever try and set me up ever again because im sick of it and in a sense its condescending and deaming. I know you want the best for me, but what the best for me right now is not what you envision it to be.
Love,
Your 20something-close-to-30something Daughter
p.s. this would be the best birthday/hannukah gift ever.
<3
Friday, November 25, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Mr. SuperJew
I wasn't going to write something today because I just didn't have anything in mind to write about and I've been in a poopy mood this week. Then I was thinkin maybe I could write about one of the lil black book boys... and writing about one of them is truly fitting for this time of year.... you'll see why... read on :)
So, let me try and give a quick background story. When I first moved to CA in '05 I left everything and everyone that I knew and loved. I left Mr. First Love and that was the hardest thing to get over. My bestie was right when she told me that it takes approx 1/2 the time you're with with someone to get over them... yes it took me a year and a half to get over Mr. F.L. I had mini crushes here and there but nothing came to fruition (i feel silly using that word but it's a good word, no?).
Anyways, I was all alone, I was loving the newness of everything, the surroundings, the people, the experiences, the sun! the mountains! the clouds!! mmm.... let me digress just for a second, I remember my first day all by myself in CA (meaning my parents were in the air flyin back east), was the best day ever. I walked out of my building on my way to school and the sun was shining the sky was blue with beautiful puffy clouds and looking up all i saw were the tops of palm trees and blue sky! That was when I knew and felt that I was okay and that this whole new life change was okay. It was the best welcome I could get. Granted there were times when it got a bit rough.. but anyways!!
How does one make friends in new surroundings? Well, in college? You go to clubs blah blah blah. I lived right next door to the Hillel House. Hillel is like a college club/group for jews. I decided to tap into my heritage and check it out. Well, I met a lot of great people and have a lot of great memories with everyone in that club. I was really active. It's not a super jew kinda club, it's casual just people who are jewish getting together no religion forced down your throat or anything. My first year there I was really pretty active. Then the next year I dabbled in the super jew one.. Chabad. Now, I still remained my non-super-jew self, it did give me some comfort though, having friday night dinners with everyone, it made me feel at home.
In my apartment building the side I lived in were full of studios. The other side had 1 and 2 bedrooms. The second year I was in CA, I met a few dudes at Chabad who lived in the other side of the building. Now, my all time favorite holiday is Thanksgiving! It really is, mmm the food the friends/family it's my favorite. The first year I was in CA I spent it alone, I went to the market and bought a turkey leg, made some stuffing and the other sides. I didn't have an oven in my studio, I just had a lil dinky toaster oven. The people on the other side of the building had ovens!! Ovens big enough to hold a turkey!!!!!
A week or two before Thanksgiving (in '06), I asked one of the dudes if I could use his oven to bake a turkey in it for Thanksgiving. He had no issues with it, he had Thanksgiving plans and wasn't going to need his oven. I told my friends I was making a Thanksgiving dinner so I had some guests ready to come over! I bought the Turkey and all the other goodies... I WAS FUCKIN EXCITED!!!! This was the first Thanksgiving dinner I was hosting :) haha I wish I took pictures.... anyways.
I brought the Turkey to this boys place. Let me quickly describe this boy. He wasn't bad lookin, he was cute, kinda too loud, funny, he was religious. He wasn't black hat religious, but he was religious. I bring the Turkey over, and we put it in the pan and prepare it and blah blah he likes cooking so he was all into it. Bam, the Turkey is in the oven.. and now all we have to do is wait. He still had a few hours to kill before he left to go to his friends for Thanksgiving.
His living room consisted of a dinky kitchen table, a TV on the ground, and like 2 pillows? I think? So he offered me a beer and we sat on the floor and watched TV. Then BAM! out of nowhere he kisses me. We are crazy making out on the floor. This was the first interaction I had with a boy since leaving Mr. F.L. I missed kissing so much!!!!!! There we are... on the floor, making out. Then... one thing led to another....
This was the best getting, officially, fully over Mr. F.L. this helped me move on. I wasn't at all emotionally attached to Mr. SuperJew and he wasn't that great anyways. It really was great because it was unexpected, there were no emotions involved, and it was just something that I needed. So, we did the deed, the turkey was still in the oven... he had to go after, and I was left with messy hair, a smile on my face, and the delicious smell of turkey cookin.
The dinner turned out deliciously! I had 3 gals come over and we all indulged and enjoyed! We ate at his place cuz he had more room. Then when he was done with his dinner plans he came back with some of the other boys we knew and we all went to see The Pick of Destiny (right? that's what it's called?). It was a wonderful Thanksgiving! hahaha
What happened with Mr. SuperJew and I? Well, we continued this casual fling for about a month or two, then it just stopped, I don't remember if I put an end to it or he did or if it just mutually stopped. There are no hard feelings (no pun intended...::snickersnicker::). I found it funny though, the times we would get together and then rush to leave to go to a meeting at the Chabad house and talk about religious shit.... hahaha and religious shit indeed it was... no offense to you super jews out there.
I think he's married now and is for real super jew... that's the last I've heard. Sigh.... it's funny and interesting the experiences we all have. Sometimes I forget about these little stories. It really is amazing the stories we live through that create who we are today.
<3
So, let me try and give a quick background story. When I first moved to CA in '05 I left everything and everyone that I knew and loved. I left Mr. First Love and that was the hardest thing to get over. My bestie was right when she told me that it takes approx 1/2 the time you're with with someone to get over them... yes it took me a year and a half to get over Mr. F.L. I had mini crushes here and there but nothing came to fruition (i feel silly using that word but it's a good word, no?).
Anyways, I was all alone, I was loving the newness of everything, the surroundings, the people, the experiences, the sun! the mountains! the clouds!! mmm.... let me digress just for a second, I remember my first day all by myself in CA (meaning my parents were in the air flyin back east), was the best day ever. I walked out of my building on my way to school and the sun was shining the sky was blue with beautiful puffy clouds and looking up all i saw were the tops of palm trees and blue sky! That was when I knew and felt that I was okay and that this whole new life change was okay. It was the best welcome I could get. Granted there were times when it got a bit rough.. but anyways!!
How does one make friends in new surroundings? Well, in college? You go to clubs blah blah blah. I lived right next door to the Hillel House. Hillel is like a college club/group for jews. I decided to tap into my heritage and check it out. Well, I met a lot of great people and have a lot of great memories with everyone in that club. I was really active. It's not a super jew kinda club, it's casual just people who are jewish getting together no religion forced down your throat or anything. My first year there I was really pretty active. Then the next year I dabbled in the super jew one.. Chabad. Now, I still remained my non-super-jew self, it did give me some comfort though, having friday night dinners with everyone, it made me feel at home.
In my apartment building the side I lived in were full of studios. The other side had 1 and 2 bedrooms. The second year I was in CA, I met a few dudes at Chabad who lived in the other side of the building. Now, my all time favorite holiday is Thanksgiving! It really is, mmm the food the friends/family it's my favorite. The first year I was in CA I spent it alone, I went to the market and bought a turkey leg, made some stuffing and the other sides. I didn't have an oven in my studio, I just had a lil dinky toaster oven. The people on the other side of the building had ovens!! Ovens big enough to hold a turkey!!!!!
A week or two before Thanksgiving (in '06), I asked one of the dudes if I could use his oven to bake a turkey in it for Thanksgiving. He had no issues with it, he had Thanksgiving plans and wasn't going to need his oven. I told my friends I was making a Thanksgiving dinner so I had some guests ready to come over! I bought the Turkey and all the other goodies... I WAS FUCKIN EXCITED!!!! This was the first Thanksgiving dinner I was hosting :) haha I wish I took pictures.... anyways.
I brought the Turkey to this boys place. Let me quickly describe this boy. He wasn't bad lookin, he was cute, kinda too loud, funny, he was religious. He wasn't black hat religious, but he was religious. I bring the Turkey over, and we put it in the pan and prepare it and blah blah he likes cooking so he was all into it. Bam, the Turkey is in the oven.. and now all we have to do is wait. He still had a few hours to kill before he left to go to his friends for Thanksgiving.
His living room consisted of a dinky kitchen table, a TV on the ground, and like 2 pillows? I think? So he offered me a beer and we sat on the floor and watched TV. Then BAM! out of nowhere he kisses me. We are crazy making out on the floor. This was the first interaction I had with a boy since leaving Mr. F.L. I missed kissing so much!!!!!! There we are... on the floor, making out. Then... one thing led to another....
This was the best getting, officially, fully over Mr. F.L. this helped me move on. I wasn't at all emotionally attached to Mr. SuperJew and he wasn't that great anyways. It really was great because it was unexpected, there were no emotions involved, and it was just something that I needed. So, we did the deed, the turkey was still in the oven... he had to go after, and I was left with messy hair, a smile on my face, and the delicious smell of turkey cookin.
The dinner turned out deliciously! I had 3 gals come over and we all indulged and enjoyed! We ate at his place cuz he had more room. Then when he was done with his dinner plans he came back with some of the other boys we knew and we all went to see The Pick of Destiny (right? that's what it's called?). It was a wonderful Thanksgiving! hahaha
What happened with Mr. SuperJew and I? Well, we continued this casual fling for about a month or two, then it just stopped, I don't remember if I put an end to it or he did or if it just mutually stopped. There are no hard feelings (no pun intended...::snickersnicker::). I found it funny though, the times we would get together and then rush to leave to go to a meeting at the Chabad house and talk about religious shit.... hahaha and religious shit indeed it was... no offense to you super jews out there.
I think he's married now and is for real super jew... that's the last I've heard. Sigh.... it's funny and interesting the experiences we all have. Sometimes I forget about these little stories. It really is amazing the stories we live through that create who we are today.
<3
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Patience
I have this deck of cards my sister bought me a while ago. The Power of Intention card deck by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Most of the time they sit on my bookshelf, but once in a while when I'm struggling I take them out, give them a good shuffle and randomly pick a card. I pick a card hoping that it'll give me some sort of guidance, clarity, or comfort. This past week I pulled out the cards 3 or 4 times... and twice I pulled out the same card, I think it's a sign (yeah, I believe in signs.... you got somethin' to say about it?! ... that's what I thought.).
Be Infinitely Patient
That's what the card says... be infinitely patient...it really is just so fitting to what I've been struggling with recently and this past year. Be infinitely patient.... I feel like I've spent the past year being infinitely impatient. Now it's time to turn it around.
I know I've said this a bajillion times before but I really just need to back off of this tremendous focus on my lack of a love life, yeah it sucks but suck it up, move on, and if you're patient enough, your time will come... or it wont come and that's okay too.
I couldn't be patient with Mr. High School. I'm impatient with needing to know where my life is headed. I'm for some reason in some sorta race against, against, against I have no fuckin' clue! Gotta remember, slow and steady wins the race, whatever race that may be.
In some ways though, impatience has helped me a bit. I was able to end relationships quicker because I was impatient but really, realized I wasn't getting what I needed (I was being honest with myself!! wink wink!! reference to last weeks post :) ). Because of my impatience, I've expressed my feelings and broke my heart but this is all teaching me to be patient. It's also taught me a different way to experience closure.
So, I feel, in order to be infinitely patient, you had to have had experience with impatience. Or not, I mean what works for me might not work for you. But it's always good to get an idea of what both sides look like.
Anyways, that's my two cents for this week. Breathe in and think to yourself "be infinitely patient" and breathe out, it helps :)
<3
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Honesty?
Honesty, is honestly the key component to any relationship. It is, of course, important in a relationship with your significant other, in every way... communication, love, feelings, fidelity etc. In order to get to that place though, I think that the most important relationship one should be honest in, is with oneself! Because if you're not honest with yourself, who can you be honest with? It's like the whole loving oneself thing. Everything begins with you. Trust, honesty, love, compassion, empathy etc. everything begins with you. Every feeling you have towards yourself and others begin with you. Even anger.... it's all your shit.
In my personal experiences there were times when I was able to be completely honest and times when I failed with being honest. So, it's def not like a one time thing, for me at least. Where the second I'm honest I will be honest forever and ever. I think different times in your life either allow you to be able to be honest with yourself, other times you just cant figure it out, and sometimes you realize it after the fact.
Three examples:
1. Recently I've been honest with my feelings towards certain boys, and I let it be known to them and while I ended up breaking my own heart, I'm glad I was able to be honest with them because that was being honest with myself. I dunno if this really ties in with honesty, but I think it's important to be honest with how you feel and to let it be known, even if the other person doesn't care to hear it. Because, for example, if I never let my feelings be known, I'd still be sitting here dreaming up false dreams... is that being honest with myself? no.... I got the answers I needed and now I can move on.
2. I'm not sure if I wrote much about the boy I moved back to CA for. I think I've kinda done a good job sweeping that whole experience under the rug. I should write about that whole thing... but I can't because I'm still kinda confused and bitter about what went down. This is an instance where I was completely not honest with myself and I obviously still haven't resolved anything... well I'm 1000000% over him and so happy that I'm not with him because that was the most unhealthy relationship I've ever been in.... hands down. Maybe not ever.... Mr. Asshole was a fuckin douche, but I knew what to expect from him. Anyways... whatever. I guess I'll call boy I moved to CA for, Mr. CA. So... I knew from the start I wasn't being honest with myself... I knew he wasn't worth moving back to CA for and I knew that a relationship with him and I wasn't doable. I wasn't being honest with myself and I can't figure it out why. I mean, I was in denial I guess? I was also in a really bad place in my life, it was like a 2 yr waste of time. 1 yr being here and depressed and 1 yr of being there depressed with him... anyways... it still confuses me why I never listened to myself. But this was also a good example of both of us not being honest with ourselves thus leading in the dishonesty and destruction of our twisted relationship. ( i know I'm writing very negatively about my relationship with him... there were some lovely sweet moments of course, but I guess I'm still bitter.. and it was such a negative time.. everything during that time was just shit)
3. Maybe my relationship with Mr. F.L is a good example of being honest, then not being honest with oneself thus leading to dishonesty in the relationship and taking a while to realize. Dude I was IN LOVE with Mr. F.L.. he was my first love :) I think we were both definitely pretty honest in the relationship. But, you know how love is blind? or in fact, how love can blind you? There was a point I don't know if it was from the very beginning, but while Mr. F.L. and I were honest with each other, there were times when being blinded by love made me keep things at bay thus kinda being dishonest.... I don'tknow what I'm talking about... I think I'm confusing myself.....really, I feel, that when we moved in with each other that's definitely when my eyes opened and kinda became dishonest and in denial (I wonder... can dishonesty and denial be interchanged in certain situations?). I wonder if he went through something similar. There's a long story that kinda ended our relationship. But in short, one of the many things that took part in ending our relationship was when this dude at work satisfied my emotional needs because I wasn't getting that from Mr. F.L anymore. At the time I was most certainly dishonest, and then the boy at work got arrested, right before my very eyes! eep!, for breaking in and stealing money from work... sigh.. oh the boys I pick...anyways.... that's when I became honest with myself and realized what it was that I needed to do for me.
Anyways.... I really don't know if any of this makes any sense what so ever or if it means anything at all..... sometimes I feel like I'm just talking jibberish. All I'm saying is try your best to be honest, cuz if you're not u end up hurting not only others, but yourself. Even when you are honest you get hurt, and that shouldn't deter u from being honest again... dust yourself off and try again, right? I'm getting the repercussions now, for being honest and for not being honest, I got hurt along the way and I'm hurtin' right now, but it's a process... life is a process, learning is a process...there's a process to everything.
And, well... maybe one of the boys I expressed my feelings too, while I was being honest in my feelings maybe I wasn't being honest in the perception I had of him because while expecting a certain response from him I got something else so, maybe I continuously blind myself with love and infatuation. Why can't I ever see the reality to a person? Going back to the first paragraph, maybe it's because I'm not realistically seeing myself... it all starts with you, right?
Where can I get a prescription for realistic lenses for my glasses?
<3
In my personal experiences there were times when I was able to be completely honest and times when I failed with being honest. So, it's def not like a one time thing, for me at least. Where the second I'm honest I will be honest forever and ever. I think different times in your life either allow you to be able to be honest with yourself, other times you just cant figure it out, and sometimes you realize it after the fact.
Three examples:
1. Recently I've been honest with my feelings towards certain boys, and I let it be known to them and while I ended up breaking my own heart, I'm glad I was able to be honest with them because that was being honest with myself. I dunno if this really ties in with honesty, but I think it's important to be honest with how you feel and to let it be known, even if the other person doesn't care to hear it. Because, for example, if I never let my feelings be known, I'd still be sitting here dreaming up false dreams... is that being honest with myself? no.... I got the answers I needed and now I can move on.
2. I'm not sure if I wrote much about the boy I moved back to CA for. I think I've kinda done a good job sweeping that whole experience under the rug. I should write about that whole thing... but I can't because I'm still kinda confused and bitter about what went down. This is an instance where I was completely not honest with myself and I obviously still haven't resolved anything... well I'm 1000000% over him and so happy that I'm not with him because that was the most unhealthy relationship I've ever been in.... hands down. Maybe not ever.... Mr. Asshole was a fuckin douche, but I knew what to expect from him. Anyways... whatever. I guess I'll call boy I moved to CA for, Mr. CA. So... I knew from the start I wasn't being honest with myself... I knew he wasn't worth moving back to CA for and I knew that a relationship with him and I wasn't doable. I wasn't being honest with myself and I can't figure it out why. I mean, I was in denial I guess? I was also in a really bad place in my life, it was like a 2 yr waste of time. 1 yr being here and depressed and 1 yr of being there depressed with him... anyways... it still confuses me why I never listened to myself. But this was also a good example of both of us not being honest with ourselves thus leading in the dishonesty and destruction of our twisted relationship. ( i know I'm writing very negatively about my relationship with him... there were some lovely sweet moments of course, but I guess I'm still bitter.. and it was such a negative time.. everything during that time was just shit)
3. Maybe my relationship with Mr. F.L is a good example of being honest, then not being honest with oneself thus leading to dishonesty in the relationship and taking a while to realize. Dude I was IN LOVE with Mr. F.L.. he was my first love :) I think we were both definitely pretty honest in the relationship. But, you know how love is blind? or in fact, how love can blind you? There was a point I don't know if it was from the very beginning, but while Mr. F.L. and I were honest with each other, there were times when being blinded by love made me keep things at bay thus kinda being dishonest.... I don'tknow what I'm talking about... I think I'm confusing myself.....really, I feel, that when we moved in with each other that's definitely when my eyes opened and kinda became dishonest and in denial (I wonder... can dishonesty and denial be interchanged in certain situations?). I wonder if he went through something similar. There's a long story that kinda ended our relationship. But in short, one of the many things that took part in ending our relationship was when this dude at work satisfied my emotional needs because I wasn't getting that from Mr. F.L anymore. At the time I was most certainly dishonest, and then the boy at work got arrested, right before my very eyes! eep!, for breaking in and stealing money from work... sigh.. oh the boys I pick...anyways.... that's when I became honest with myself and realized what it was that I needed to do for me.
Anyways.... I really don't know if any of this makes any sense what so ever or if it means anything at all..... sometimes I feel like I'm just talking jibberish. All I'm saying is try your best to be honest, cuz if you're not u end up hurting not only others, but yourself. Even when you are honest you get hurt, and that shouldn't deter u from being honest again... dust yourself off and try again, right? I'm getting the repercussions now, for being honest and for not being honest, I got hurt along the way and I'm hurtin' right now, but it's a process... life is a process, learning is a process...there's a process to everything.
And, well... maybe one of the boys I expressed my feelings too, while I was being honest in my feelings maybe I wasn't being honest in the perception I had of him because while expecting a certain response from him I got something else so, maybe I continuously blind myself with love and infatuation. Why can't I ever see the reality to a person? Going back to the first paragraph, maybe it's because I'm not realistically seeing myself... it all starts with you, right?
Where can I get a prescription for realistic lenses for my glasses?
<3
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