Mr. Teeth

So, I met this dude on OkCupid...

He seemed really cool at first, smart, interesting and hot. Yes, a hot man on an online dating site, who knew? His lips were full and beautiful and he seemed tall and meaty.. mm mm mm and a beautiful smile!!! sigh

So, you might wonder why I call him Mr.Teeth... hm? Well first of all we sent a few messages back and forth to each other, to, you know, get to know a bit more about one another. Then! He sends me a message saying "I have something to confess to you, I think your teeth are sexy"

MY TEETH ARE SEXY?!?!?!! WHAT?!!?!!?

I have a gap between my 2 front teeth, so maybe some people find that sexy. Madonna has it, but Madonna has always screamed sexiness! Who else has it? I don't even know... so I took that comment as a red flag at first then I decided to stuff that flag in my pocket and forget about it.

One night we were up late chatting through OKcupid messages, another semi-red flag, he wouldn't IM, never IM only message... and the convo turned kind of.... sexual.. EEEEP!!! I don't know how it happened but I liked it and hated it all at the same time! Anyways, we set up a time and a place to meet up....

He canceled an hour prior to the date!!!!!!! Another red flag perhaps? He had a good excuse though, he suffers from migraines. So I decided not to give him a red flag for that one, although my co-workers beg to differ :)

We set up another date and well, it was kind of normal and boring, not as exciting as I'd expect it to be, oh! I forgot to mention that before meeting, he was talking about grabbing my ass when we'd met... sigh... another fuckin' red flag!! WHAT THE FUCK!


I met up with him at a park and it was so hot and humid that day. It was, well i was, disgusting!!!! He was not what I expected...AT ALL! Physically, he was smaller, short and skinny and his hands! oy! I can't stand a man with woman hands and his hands were super feminine fragile! He was totally different in person than online.Online he acted like such a macho man, talking about grabbing my ass and all sorts of shit and in person he had a mousy voice and would poke me with his finger once in a while

...?!?!...poke, poke, poke, poke, poke....?!?!?! who pokes people anymore!?!?! (and i'm not talking bout the sexual kind folks!) Wait, who pokes people anymore? Did I just say that? Dude! Who fuckin' pokes people period!!!?


?!?!?!!??!


crickets cricketing....



?!?!?!?!?!


So, whatever, I didn't want to judge him, first dates are awkward, especially when meeting someone from an online site. And! Even though I told him I was curvy, I might not have been what he expected either! So I let all of my judgments go and tried to enjoy the rest of my date.

We just sat there and talked for 1.5hrs and that was it, not very eventful at all. Which is okay! I don't need to go horseback riding or go bungee jumping (things The Bachelorette does on her first dates.), but just sitting and talking with this dude? Not eventful, not dynamic, no sparks.. whatever!

After the date we continued to message each other about how we'd meet up again and blah blah. Even though I wasn't 100% into him I figured I might as well try it again, who knows!

But!!!! Then!!! He started messaging me about how he wanted me to give him head and this and that and the messages would not stop!! So I told him he turned me off and that most boys don't understand that they have to work for head, they have to DESERVE head.. we women don't just give it for free! I hope men out there just read that sentence and are really taking it in, just soak it up.. take a minute or two, go ahead, I'll wait for you. Seriously.

Okay, you ready?

If not, maybe go outside for a walk and ponder that, then come back and finish this entry, how does that sound?


OY! Let's move on!

So, he messaged me back telling me that he was joking... joking? Really? Mr. Macho Teeth man was just joking? Couldn't support all the nasty weight you've been throwing at me?? That didn't even make any sense!

WHAT A LAME-O!!!! WHAT A COP OUT!!!!!

So, I didn't reply to him I'll let that little mouse bug someone else and tell them how their... eyebrows make him hot and heavy...rawr!

Moral of the story is:

- DON'T SHOVE RED FLAGS IN YOUR POCKET AND FORGET ABOUT THEM!!!!!

- If there isn't a spark on the first date, just move on, don't give it a second chance, in the end you're just wasting everyone's time!


The End
<3