I'm Blue!

Hello Hello fellow readers!
I hope this wonderful month of March is treating you well so far!! We are getting closer to summer ya'll!!!! How exciting!!!!!

So! A few insightful things went on this week! Oh wait! I should mention that I did a guest blog post over at my lovely Blogger friends page!! Ramblings is super awesome, her blog consists of guest blogs and her take on the weeks topic. This weeks topic was "Are you afraid of being alone?" and surprisingly my post was a positive one, I wrote about finally being on my own and la de da! Now looking back on it, it's kinda surprising how it's so positive about being alone, when in my head I'm like "WHY!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!"

Alright, back to the insightfulness of this week!

1. This week started out a bit rough, then was cool, then went back to being rough then back to cool... haha... The rough patches were a cause of 2 totally different things, I'm only going to talk about one of them, the other one can suck it!! :)

So, ironically, at the beginning of this week I was feeling sooooo lonely.. blah blah blah...cue violin.. blah blah...I met with my lovely therapist, who I'd like to give a name to, haven't figured it out yet..... and we were talking (obviously) and I went on to saying how I just feel like no one wants to love me sometimes, well not that... that the boys I've been with didn't love/like me enough to want to be with me, and how it feels like I'm doing something wrong and its all my fault and blah blah... super lame, I know! But I think it's safe to say that a lot of us single ladies (and men!) out there feel this from time to time, right? So, if you're a single lady/lad get this! Are you ready!!!?!?! (this might not be new to you and I might be riding the slow train here, but get this!) She tells me that maybe that wasn't the case, maybe they just didn't love/like me the way I needed to be.

Interesting hu? Y'know, this whole exploration thing is about me finding me and me taking care of me and me putting me first.... exploring areas and parts of me I seemed to have neglected the past 28yrs! So, this was a big deal for me to hear. I wasn't being loved/liked the way I NEEDED to be.  We all have wants and needs, I know what my wants are (a pasta machine, every bakery supply imaginable, a cat, a couch, a man)... but I guess I never really took time to think about my needs. What are my needs? And! I never thought about failed relationships that way! Failed relationships aren't anyone's fault really, needs just weren't being met! I guess this is something that maybe if I thought about I'd know and see, but I'm too wrapped up in my bullshit that I don't think clearly about it all :)


2.  I'm the color blue!!! Yes I am!!! I'm a sucker for personality tests and what not. This one that I took the other day totally got me spot on!!! Another insightful thing!!!! After I ended things with, I'll call him, Mr. Hands, I deactivated my okc account, then I reactivated it and got all angry that it fuckin sucks and that it's stupid and no one interesting is on it! So, I decided to go back to my roots....haha, so to speak...haha.... I went and checked out my very old, lovely JDate account (shhh! don't tell my mother, even though her jewish-mother-radar probably picked that up, she knows now doesn't she? god dammit!). Nothing interesting going on there, same shit except I gotta pay to view the 10391830912832 emails in my inbox, who flirted with me and who sent me an E-card (woooaa!!!!).

One thing I noticed that caught my eye, that was new!!!, was this personality test! What color are you!?! Blue? Red? Yellow? White?! HOW EXCITING!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to know what my color was ASAP! So I took this short and confusing at first, test. It focused on your childhood, things you would've done, how you would've reacted to certain situations, characteristics of you when you were a child! This was kind of hard, because we (or maybe just I) have skewed perceptions of ourselves when we were kids, how do we know WHO we really were as kids aside from what others told us. Anyways I filled it out best I could, it took maybe 10min, not long at all.

I'm 40% Blue, 35% White, and 25% Yellow. No red what so ever, but I guess that makes sense because after skimming through what each color is, red seems to be more controlling and I'm definitely not that, but I can think of some people who are :)   Here is a quick rundown of these colors taken off of a JDate page:

• RED (The Power-Wielders): Core Motive = Power, or the ability to move from "a" to "b" as efficiently as possible
• BLUE (The Do-Gooders): Core Motive = Intimacy, this doesn't mean sex, but the need to connect, share feelings, and build relationships with others
• WHITE (The Peacekeepers): Core Motive = Peace, or calm even in the midst of conflict; clarity in the midst of confusion
• YELLOW (The Fun-Lovers): Core Motive = Fun, or always enjoying the moment

If I could I'd put in the full description of what Blue entails, but it's all about always giving yourself fully to others, putting others before you, wanting to have that deeper connection, that intimacy, but also wanting autonomy. I love it, I think it's definitely me. It's funny, here I am stuck between being a Do-Gooder and wanting to become Kanye 2.0, a class-A dick (with some sick beats of course!).


And! I just realized! To bring this back full full circle 360 fuckin degrees! When I was with my therapist talking about all that ish and bringing up Mr. Hands, I was saying how I wish I had a deeper connection with him, how I wanted to know more, how things with him seemed to be just on the surface.... IT'S BECAUSE I'M A BLUE!!!!!!! and!!! My needs weren't being met! A Blue needs intimacy! A Blue needs a deeper connection!! Like the deep blue sea! BAM! I'm done! woo!! See all that work I did there? See that?




<3