Supposed Future Husbands

All of you women out there I'm sure can relate to what this post will be about. I titled this Supposed Future Husbands, but for all of you men who dream of men, or men who dream of women,  and women who dream of women, I'm sure you can relate to this as well!

I think I met my first real Supposed Future Husband when I was 15.  What/who is the mysterious Supposed Future Husband/Wife....in my case Husband....? Well, its a person who you meet and are sure that there is a kind of special connection ... a connection so great that you are sure this person is "the one."  (As a sidenote: Does that ever happen to anyone? Or is it just me and my psycho babble? When you sometimes meet someone or see someone and just feel that there's something deeper than just a brief passing by?)

[I am just going to pause this for a quick second and say that I started to write a whole different post following the above paragaph and then I had a revelation so now I can write this post with a new perspective... It's amazing what writing can do!!!!!]

Since I was 15 there have only really been two, actually, since I was 15 there really have been 3 boys I deeply felt were my Supposed Future Husbands.  The first two infatuations started when I was in High School  and  both recently stopped haha like within a month or two apart  or maybe in the same month!!!!, like 2 years ago. I wrote about experiences with the first two in these posts: here and here. So, mathematically speaking, in the back of my head I thought of these two boys as my Supposed Future Husbands for roughly 10 years.... holy fuck... 10 years!!!! How insane is that!?

This third one, I recently realized, is on my short list of Supposed Future Husbands. I met this one while in college, actually!, after graduating college. Oooo!! My first (and hopefully last) adult Supposed Future Husband! Okay I'm making no sense here... oy!!!

Something I realized, is that with these 3 Supposed Future Husbands, I never had a serious relationship with. I've had sexual relations with them (eww how politically correct  and gross does that sound? Why couldn't I just write "I've slept with them" or "I fucked them" or "I had sex with them" like a normal 20somethin'?), and I dated 2 of them for like 2-3 months but all 3 never really developed into something REAL. Like a real relationship.  I guess there's a reason for that?

Anyways!! I'm sure ya'll out there have had these Supposed Future Husbands/Wives before. You just kinda fall for them and have no control over it. And you don't know if it's realistic or if you're just blinded by the infatuation... do/did you have sound, ground thoughts about this person....? You know how sometimes it takes a while for you to actually open your eyes? I'm pissed it took me 10 years to open mine with the first two!!! haha!! So much heart ache and pain could've been avoided!!! Silly me!!!

Expectations play a big roll in this too. Infatuation, expectations, and dreams, they're all interlinked in this whole love game. Maybe with a dash of hopefulness and helplessness as well. With infatuations comes dreams of a future, dreams of marriage of kids and the white picket fence. Then with the dreams you form expectations, expecting things to turn out a certain way and hoping they could turn out a certain way. Hopefulness of all these beautiful dreams then turns into helplessness because you're not in control of another persons feelings or actions let alone your own feelings for that person. Is this making any sense? Am I sounding really crazy?

Well, with this third one, poor guy! I've definitely been too open about wanting to marry him hahaha. It really is no laughing matter.... let's put our serious faces on! But I would like to say that with this third dude I definitely haven't taken my dreams farther than just wanting to marry him. I also am not expecting anything from him and! I feel that what our relationship/friendship is right now, is a pretty good solid realistic, balanced one... the only silly part of it is me just thinking that I wanna marry this dude. And! When you really think about it, marriage is a huge fucking thing!!! It's a big fuckin' deal... so when I say I dream of marrying this guy or any other, I really mean it very lightly. Sometimes I forget about the gravity of marriage.

So! Here's a promise to myself! No more Supposed Future Husbands!!!! AND!!!! No more talk of future husbandry!!! Well... I don't know about no more talk of future husbandry because lets face it people, aside from family, school and work, what else can I talk about? Maybe baking....hehe

I'm seriously going to try and let go of this Supposed Future Husbandry nonsense. I'm going to try and stop infatuation. It's super hard, I know, so I'm not sure I'll be able to keep this promise. But! I do promise to this third Supposed Future Husband that I wont talk about marrying him again!!! I'm making this public!!! And if I slip and forget, then... I don't know... we'll let Karma kick me in the ass.

:)

So, to all of you Supposed Future Husband/Wife dreamers out there, let's make this promise to ourselves and stop this disease of infatuation once and for all!!! We owe it to ourselves!!!!!! We really do!! Because, what ends up happening when you're infatuated with someone? You end up giving your all when most of the time you get nothing in return, which in turn really lessens your self worth! Dreamers, let's become realists!!!!! VIVE LA REVOLUTION!!!!!

:)


At least for the next 5 minutes? yeah? hehehe

<3