Lights, Camera, Action!

So, Happy Thanksgiving... la de da! Hope ya'll had a good one! I'm here in Dallas visiting my mom for this holiday.  Let me cut to the chase... I wasn't even here a full 24hrs and her and my father already started with this fuckin matchmaking business. Could you believe it!?! I indulged them because at first I was thinkin' "alright, why not take a chance" then I got so annoyed by it, and knowing them, the more I say no, the more they persist... whatever you resist persists! So, once I gave the okay... which by the way, was said with a sigh (the hint went unnoticed), my mom rushed to her ipad and sent the "go ahead" email to the other matchmaking side.

Now, I do understand that they care about me and about my happiness and la de da. BUT!!!! There are several things that bothered me, several things that got me thinking:

1. Destiny. I touched on you before, and while I do believe in you, there are several things that bother me about you, sorry... let me re-iterate. Let me describe to you this dude the parents are trying to set me up with and the situation around it and how it relates to you, destiny.

We used to live right outside of chicago, we moved when i was 7. I have immigrant parents, so chicago was their first stomping ground, and the people they met really helped them out a lot, thus becoming life long friends. So, the couple they met had like 4 kids (?) who are all grown up and have families now. Well, one of their kids had a bar-mitzvah so my parents went. There, they met the brother of their friend who has 2 sons one is 40somethin and the other is just about to turn 40.  So, theyre tryin to set me up with this close to 40yr old. Which already raises a red flag, but I'll discuss that in another bullet point :) He's a teacher at a really good Deaf school up in Berkely, CA, he is also Deaf, and he's not bad lookin....

Destiny, this is how my mother thinks you play a role in this whole matchmaking venture her and my father are on.  My mom excitedly said to me at one point "What if this is destiny!?!!? What if we were supposed to meet our friends in Chicago just so you could marry their nephew! What if that's the reason why you did Deaf Studies!?! This all makes sense!"

Destiny, what if there is no meaning or reasoning behind certain things....Destiny, you makes us read into things too much and thus we create odd expectations... what if things just are.... why not just let things be. Destiny, I think you may be some kind of meddler in a weird twisted way, and I really don't like it. I only like you when you work in my favor.. which makes this relationship very one sided and makes me sound selfish... in any case, stop meddling and stop giving us excuses to be hopeful for a moment, let us live in reality.

2. The 40yr old thing... came as a complete shock! I still feel like I'm 25.. but really, I'm fuckin 28... im turning 29 in a month... what the fuck.  And, really, it is possible for me to date someone 10 yrs older than me.. I did it when I was 24 (remember Mr. Zohan?)!  So this whole thing came as like an age realization shock... I'm going to be 29 and I still feel like im 25... even still, a high schooler, I'm jsut as confused about life and the future as I was when I was 18! I'm not sure I'm ready to date a real adult! hahaha Which kinda brought me down too cuz I'm in this struggle... when I was in HS I used to be obsessed with Britney Spears (don't judge) and this song comes to mind "I'm not a Girl, not yet a woman." That's how I feel.

3. A big issue! I wasn't here 24hrs and they're trying to set me up.... not 24hrs! Not even a full day!!!!!!!!  I haven't seen my mom in like 6 months and I come see her and this is what we're gonna waste our time on!?!??! This is what pissed me off, the fact that no matter what, there's a problem with me being single, no matter what, I need to have someone.  I think I was finally able to put this correctly in my mind and now in words on this blog, I kinda feel like who i am as an individual doesn't account too much unless i have a significant other and i feel like i've been conditioned to think that way too, and that's not right, not at all. 

Ya know, the past few months have been rough for me. In my Patience post I think I wrote about how I put myself out there and my feelings and ended up breaking my own heart. While going through all of that I just kinda zoomed through it but really, now that things have slowed down it hit me hard and i've been struggling with, really, just letting go of all of this love shit. I'm going to be patient and it's taken some hard work and pain to get to this place. While I'm independent, I am extremely emotionally dependent. My goal is to become emotionally independent. I want to recondition myself, to empower myself in really believing that all I need is myself, and whoever comes along will be a great addition to my life... and may eventually turn into our life... but for now, I'm the most important thing in my life and I really have to own it and believe it and not just write and talk about it.....

Actions speak louder than words.


So!!!! In Conclusion.....

Dear Parents,

For the last and final time, I ask of you, please never ever ever ever ever try and set me up ever again because im sick of it and in a sense its condescending and deaming. I know you want the best for me, but what the best for me right now is not what you envision it to be.


Love,
Your 20something-close-to-30something Daughter

p.s. this would be the best birthday/hannukah gift ever.


<3