Honesty?

Honesty, is honestly the key component to any relationship. It is, of course, important in a relationship with your significant other, in every way... communication, love, feelings, fidelity etc. In order to get to that place though, I think that the most important relationship one should be honest in, is with oneself! Because if you're not honest with yourself, who can you be honest with? It's like the whole loving oneself thing. Everything begins with you.  Trust, honesty, love, compassion, empathy etc. everything begins with you. Every feeling you have towards yourself and others begin with you. Even anger.... it's all your shit.

In my personal experiences there were times when I was able to be completely honest and times when I failed with being honest. So, it's def not like a one time thing, for me at least. Where the second I'm honest I will be honest forever and ever. I think different times in your life either allow you to be able to be honest with yourself,  other times you just cant figure it out, and sometimes you realize it after the fact.

Three examples:

1. Recently I've been honest with my feelings towards certain boys, and I let it be known to them and while I ended up breaking my own heart, I'm glad I was able to be honest with them because that was being honest with myself. I dunno if this really ties in with honesty, but I think it's important to be honest with how you feel and to let it be known, even if the other person doesn't care to hear it. Because, for example, if I never let my feelings be known, I'd still be sitting here dreaming up false dreams... is that being honest with myself? no.... I got the answers I needed and now I can move on.

2. I'm not sure if I wrote much about the boy I moved back to CA for. I think I've kinda done a good job sweeping that whole experience under the rug. I should write about that whole thing... but I can't because I'm still kinda confused and bitter about what went down. This is an instance where I was completely not honest with myself and I obviously still haven't resolved anything... well I'm 1000000% over him and so happy that I'm not with him because that was the most unhealthy relationship I've ever been in.... hands down. Maybe not ever.... Mr. Asshole was a fuckin douche, but I knew what to expect from him. Anyways... whatever. I guess I'll call boy I moved to CA for, Mr. CA. So... I knew from the start I wasn't being honest with myself... I knew he wasn't worth moving back to CA for and I knew that a relationship with him and I wasn't doable. I wasn't being honest with myself and I can't figure it out why. I mean,  I was in denial I guess? I was also in a really bad place in my life, it was like a 2 yr waste of time. 1 yr being here and depressed and 1 yr of being there depressed with him... anyways... it still confuses me why I never listened to myself.  But this was also a good example of both of us not being honest with ourselves thus leading in the dishonesty and destruction of our twisted relationship. ( i know I'm writing very negatively about my relationship with him... there were some lovely sweet moments of course, but I guess I'm still bitter.. and it was such a negative time.. everything during that time was just shit)

3.  Maybe my relationship with Mr. F.L is a good example of being honest, then not being honest with oneself thus leading to dishonesty in the relationship and taking a while to realize. Dude I was IN LOVE with Mr. F.L.. he was my first love :) I think we were both definitely pretty honest in the relationship. But, you know how love is blind? or in fact, how love can blind you? There was a point I don't know if it was from the very beginning, but while Mr. F.L. and I were honest with each other, there were times when being blinded by love made me keep things at bay thus kinda being dishonest.... I don'tknow what I'm talking about... I think I'm confusing myself.....really,  I feel,  that when we moved in with each other that's definitely when my eyes opened and kinda became dishonest and in denial (I wonder... can dishonesty and denial be interchanged in certain situations?). I wonder if he went through something similar. There's a long story that kinda ended our relationship. But in short, one of the many things that took part in ending our relationship was when this dude at work satisfied my emotional needs because I wasn't getting that from Mr. F.L anymore. At the time I was most certainly dishonest, and then the boy at work got arrested, right before my very eyes! eep!, for breaking in and stealing money from work... sigh.. oh the boys I pick...anyways.... that's when I became honest with myself and realized what it was that I needed to do for me.


Anyways.... I really don't know if any of this makes any sense what so ever or if it means anything at all..... sometimes I feel like I'm just talking jibberish. All I'm saying is try your best to be honest, cuz if you're not u end up hurting not only others, but yourself.  Even when you are honest you get hurt, and that shouldn't deter u from being honest again... dust yourself off and try again, right? I'm getting the repercussions now, for being honest and for not being honest, I got hurt along the way and I'm hurtin' right now, but it's a process... life is a process, learning is a process...there's a process to everything.

And, well... maybe one of the boys I expressed my feelings too, while I was being honest in my feelings maybe I wasn't being honest in the perception I had of him because while expecting a certain response from him I got something else so, maybe I continuously blind myself with love and infatuation. Why can't I ever see the reality to a person? Going back to the first paragraph, maybe it's because I'm not realistically seeing myself... it all starts with you, right?

Where can I get a prescription for realistic lenses for my glasses?


<3