Gah, I was in the shower thinking and this overwhelming feeling came over me. This is not where I want to be in life. This is not how I imagined my life to be. I'm fucking 28... and swimming.... possibly drowning in a fishbowl full of fishies that don't want me, vice versa,or aren't Mr. Right. And I know times have changed, I know, I get it... it's okay to be single at 28.... I know... BUT FUCK IT!!! I don't care what time we are in what we are supposed to want and need... this is what I want... i want love and happiness and companionship and I want it to start right now. Forgive me for being a sourpuss, forgive me for being a lame ass, forgive me for expecting and for wanting and needing these things. I mean, is it really too much to ask? Universe, give me a fucking answer! GAH!
Love has failed me so many times, and yet I always put all my eggs in its basket.. every fuckin time... and you can fuck me over again and again but it's okay because in the name of love everything is okay... (sarcasm)....right? Forgive my anger... I'm just really fed up with all of this.
Disney can suck it too! Thank you for putting these idealistic fucking ideas in my head. Thank you every romcom out there putting these fucked up unrealistic ideas in my head! This happened with Mr. Hands too. I ended both relationships knowing that it was the best for me, but still wanting these boys and dreaming that well.. if I end it and they really wanted me they'd fight for me. So could you believe that 1/2 of me is ending a relationship and the other 1/2 is still really hanging on holding on super tight/strong hoping and praying this guy will fight for me. How naive of me... ha! Good job, me!
My friend once said something along the lines that maybe certain people are meant to be single and that's okay. I don't want to be okay with being single for the rest of my life. I don't want to buy flowers for myself for the rest of my life. I want to buy flowers with someone for the rest of my life. I don't want to eat at my kitchen table by myself. I don't want to go to sleep by myself. Fuck.
I'm angry... I am. When you look at the list of guys I've been with its depressing. Since my first serious relationship, when my love life really began this is how it went down.
- First love 3 yrs... ended... a few months later he found his current wife
- saw a few dudes randomly after.. no emotions attatched it was nice.
- started a no emotions attached relationship with a dude then i fell for him but moved
- started seeing a dude I thought was my future husband, we had a history, one visit turned into a night of me watching him get wasted and continuously hook up with his coworker while he told me he loved me yay! (I should write about this story one day..ha.. its classic)
- started a long distance relationship with a guy who spoke so well he could sell u a bag of shit, and that's what he did to me :) moved for him.... it ended... a few months later he started dating a girl with my name (spelled diff)....
- Mr Hands short but awesome time
- Mr. High School got me all kinds of confused
Beautiful no? Smashing list I got there! What is my problem... obviously the common factor in this is me. Can someone just hypnotize me and fix me. Okay, I gotta give myself some credit, I'm not entirely the one at fault. I do tend to settle for less a lot of the times and just that, I never give myself enough credit. Okay, so, scratch that.... can someone hypnotize me and make me think I'm the hottest shit that ever walked the face of the earth and just not give a fuck about any1 or anything so I can be completely content living all all all alone? Or a nicer version of that.
Then I was thinking.. okay.. so when I date a guy I like to date guys that are sort of different than the rest, they have a unique quality to them, they are exciting in some way. So, I was thinkin, maybe I should just settle for some boring dude? Maybe I should just pick a "normal" dude and give up on finding true love and happiness in the "exciting boy" world.
Anyways, whatever... it is what it is.... everything is what it is right? I'll just see what next dude the universe has to chuck my way.... as of now, I gotta start making money so I can have a baby by myself by the time I turn 35, because that's what it looks like whats in my cards.
let me live in self pity and anger for a few... don't judge me :)
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