Alright folks!
Thanks for bearing with me in that last post! What an angry, bitter gal I was! sheesh!! I'm doin' much better... still get angry from time to time but I think with the help of friends I am able to take a step toward living a positive life perhaps?? I seemed so far away from that the other night didn't I? I still get angry once in a while not because I feel I'll be single forever but angry at Mr. High School because really, I feel this all could have been avoided, it's understandable the way things presented themselves, I get it, I just wish he had more faith in me. I'm not judging at all, he just needs to do him ... I wish I could help :)
A couple things... I really truly do want to try and live a more positive life. I feel like I should keep a list by my bedside to remind myself of that. If I want to be romanced it all has to start with me. I have to be okay with the fact that fine, I might have to buy myself flowers for a while and that's okay, buying flowers is something that will bring positivity in my life. I need to write a list of things that make me happy, things that I want to do and try and just go for. Like, I want to go rock climbing, so I looked up indoor rock climbing places, I want to get on that! It's important for me to know what makes me happy before I can expect any one else to.
With that being said, not that I have to learn to be okay with being single, I have to learn to just accept. I need to stop putting the pressure on myself and the universe and just let whatever happen happen. I need to learn to enjoy life whether it be with someone or not. So, I know I might have said this a couple of times before, but I'm going to stop searching high and low for love. I for real need to really really focus on me. I've tried it so many times before but I've always failed at doing so. This time I'm going to really give it a good, solid 100% effort. And! I can't over think it, because that's when I fuck myself over, I just have to dive right into it. Follow my impulses, if you will.
Anyways, that's where I'm at... I don't know for how long or how short or whatever. But, that's where I'm at. The only person I can rely on to make me happy is me, and I owe myself a whole lotta love. This will be such a hard challenge because it is so easy to get trapped in the black hole. Today, I finally went to the beach with a friend, and we were having a good time. Then, midway I just got angry and I really felt like crying but I, of course, kept it all in. I did get easily agitated at one point. I just got so angry, again with this Mr. High School situation. I really truly like him and was really thinking that the possibility of something serious with him was in the future. Life doesn't always go as you planned or hoped it to be so what's the saying? "When life throws you lemons, make lemonade"?
So.... let me get a lil table, buy me some cups, a lil tin can for change, a couple pitchers, couple bags of ice and a bunch o' bags o' lemons!!!! Oh! And a couple pounds of sugar.... gotta make the lemonade sweet!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Disney ruined my life
So, tonight I ended things with Mr. High School.....I feel I may mourn him for a day or two... possibly a week, but that's all I'm allowing myself to mourn for!!!!!! ..... i hope.....
Gah, I was in the shower thinking and this overwhelming feeling came over me. This is not where I want to be in life. This is not how I imagined my life to be. I'm fucking 28... and swimming.... possibly drowning in a fishbowl full of fishies that don't want me, vice versa,or aren't Mr. Right. And I know times have changed, I know, I get it... it's okay to be single at 28.... I know... BUT FUCK IT!!! I don't care what time we are in what we are supposed to want and need... this is what I want... i want love and happiness and companionship and I want it to start right now. Forgive me for being a sourpuss, forgive me for being a lame ass, forgive me for expecting and for wanting and needing these things. I mean, is it really too much to ask? Universe, give me a fucking answer! GAH!
Love has failed me so many times, and yet I always put all my eggs in its basket.. every fuckin time... and you can fuck me over again and again but it's okay because in the name of love everything is okay... (sarcasm)....right? Forgive my anger... I'm just really fed up with all of this.
Disney can suck it too! Thank you for putting these idealistic fucking ideas in my head. Thank you every romcom out there putting these fucked up unrealistic ideas in my head! This happened with Mr. Hands too. I ended both relationships knowing that it was the best for me, but still wanting these boys and dreaming that well.. if I end it and they really wanted me they'd fight for me. So could you believe that 1/2 of me is ending a relationship and the other 1/2 is still really hanging on holding on super tight/strong hoping and praying this guy will fight for me. How naive of me... ha! Good job, me!
My friend once said something along the lines that maybe certain people are meant to be single and that's okay. I don't want to be okay with being single for the rest of my life. I don't want to buy flowers for myself for the rest of my life. I want to buy flowers with someone for the rest of my life. I don't want to eat at my kitchen table by myself. I don't want to go to sleep by myself. Fuck.
I'm angry... I am. When you look at the list of guys I've been with its depressing. Since my first serious relationship, when my love life really began this is how it went down.
Beautiful no? Smashing list I got there! What is my problem... obviously the common factor in this is me. Can someone just hypnotize me and fix me. Okay, I gotta give myself some credit, I'm not entirely the one at fault. I do tend to settle for less a lot of the times and just that, I never give myself enough credit. Okay, so, scratch that.... can someone hypnotize me and make me think I'm the hottest shit that ever walked the face of the earth and just not give a fuck about any1 or anything so I can be completely content living all all all alone? Or a nicer version of that.
Then I was thinking.. okay.. so when I date a guy I like to date guys that are sort of different than the rest, they have a unique quality to them, they are exciting in some way. So, I was thinkin, maybe I should just settle for some boring dude? Maybe I should just pick a "normal" dude and give up on finding true love and happiness in the "exciting boy" world.
Anyways, whatever... it is what it is.... everything is what it is right? I'll just see what next dude the universe has to chuck my way.... as of now, I gotta start making money so I can have a baby by myself by the time I turn 35, because that's what it looks like whats in my cards.
let me live in self pity and anger for a few... don't judge me :)
Gah, I was in the shower thinking and this overwhelming feeling came over me. This is not where I want to be in life. This is not how I imagined my life to be. I'm fucking 28... and swimming.... possibly drowning in a fishbowl full of fishies that don't want me, vice versa,or aren't Mr. Right. And I know times have changed, I know, I get it... it's okay to be single at 28.... I know... BUT FUCK IT!!! I don't care what time we are in what we are supposed to want and need... this is what I want... i want love and happiness and companionship and I want it to start right now. Forgive me for being a sourpuss, forgive me for being a lame ass, forgive me for expecting and for wanting and needing these things. I mean, is it really too much to ask? Universe, give me a fucking answer! GAH!
Love has failed me so many times, and yet I always put all my eggs in its basket.. every fuckin time... and you can fuck me over again and again but it's okay because in the name of love everything is okay... (sarcasm)....right? Forgive my anger... I'm just really fed up with all of this.
Disney can suck it too! Thank you for putting these idealistic fucking ideas in my head. Thank you every romcom out there putting these fucked up unrealistic ideas in my head! This happened with Mr. Hands too. I ended both relationships knowing that it was the best for me, but still wanting these boys and dreaming that well.. if I end it and they really wanted me they'd fight for me. So could you believe that 1/2 of me is ending a relationship and the other 1/2 is still really hanging on holding on super tight/strong hoping and praying this guy will fight for me. How naive of me... ha! Good job, me!
My friend once said something along the lines that maybe certain people are meant to be single and that's okay. I don't want to be okay with being single for the rest of my life. I don't want to buy flowers for myself for the rest of my life. I want to buy flowers with someone for the rest of my life. I don't want to eat at my kitchen table by myself. I don't want to go to sleep by myself. Fuck.
I'm angry... I am. When you look at the list of guys I've been with its depressing. Since my first serious relationship, when my love life really began this is how it went down.
- First love 3 yrs... ended... a few months later he found his current wife
- saw a few dudes randomly after.. no emotions attatched it was nice.
- started a no emotions attached relationship with a dude then i fell for him but moved
- started seeing a dude I thought was my future husband, we had a history, one visit turned into a night of me watching him get wasted and continuously hook up with his coworker while he told me he loved me yay! (I should write about this story one day..ha.. its classic)
- started a long distance relationship with a guy who spoke so well he could sell u a bag of shit, and that's what he did to me :) moved for him.... it ended... a few months later he started dating a girl with my name (spelled diff)....
- Mr Hands short but awesome time
- Mr. High School got me all kinds of confused
Beautiful no? Smashing list I got there! What is my problem... obviously the common factor in this is me. Can someone just hypnotize me and fix me. Okay, I gotta give myself some credit, I'm not entirely the one at fault. I do tend to settle for less a lot of the times and just that, I never give myself enough credit. Okay, so, scratch that.... can someone hypnotize me and make me think I'm the hottest shit that ever walked the face of the earth and just not give a fuck about any1 or anything so I can be completely content living all all all alone? Or a nicer version of that.
Then I was thinking.. okay.. so when I date a guy I like to date guys that are sort of different than the rest, they have a unique quality to them, they are exciting in some way. So, I was thinkin, maybe I should just settle for some boring dude? Maybe I should just pick a "normal" dude and give up on finding true love and happiness in the "exciting boy" world.
Anyways, whatever... it is what it is.... everything is what it is right? I'll just see what next dude the universe has to chuck my way.... as of now, I gotta start making money so I can have a baby by myself by the time I turn 35, because that's what it looks like whats in my cards.
let me live in self pity and anger for a few... don't judge me :)
Monday, August 8, 2011
Tick Tock
Seriously, my biological clock could not be ticking any faster after the week I just had! One would think that spending a week with a 16month old would be a perfect form of birth control (as an aside can I just share something funny? when I went to type birth for some reason my fingers typed in bitch, lol-ing.). I was in New Foundland visiting friends of mine from CA. They have a 16month old baby, the cutest thing I ever did see!! I want one now, real bad! But! We do know, that 35 is my new 30 so I have to keep reminding myself that. There is no way I can support a baby, shit I cant even support my own damn self, financially, emotionally, oy oy oy!
So, I guess we gotta put that idea on the back burner. But ugh, I really want one! Let's move on to the next topic of info. Get this, I'm going to a wedding today! A family friend is getting married. I'm super excited for her! I'm looking forward to this joyous occasion and I'm also a little hesitant, for several reasons:
1. I just spent a week with a baby and now I'm gonna go to a wedding, my clock is probably steaming right now the second hand is just going in fast fast fast circles and the whole thing is about to spontaneously combust! Almost like drunk Roger Rabbit.
2. So, she's a family friend we basically have seen ourselves grow up. She's just a tad younger than I am. My whole life that I've known her, my father compared me to her. Growing up I felt a bit of animosity towards her because I never felt good enough. I put those feelings aside and she really is an awesome gal, I'm completely 100% happy for her. What I'm not looking forward to is the possibility of someone telling me that I need to get married.
I got back yesterday from New Foundland, sat down with my brother and father and was recounting my time spent away. I mentioned that my biological clock got to ticking faster after spending a week with a baby. My dad didn't really understand the concept of the biological clock. I explained it to him, I said "well, when most women near the age of 30 and they're not married or have kids yet , their clock starts ticking, they need to get these things done." Thus leading my father to giving me a lecture that men don't fall from the sky and that I can't sit around and wait for him to come. Then it escalated to a big ass argument. I hate it, I HATE it!!! HATE IT!!!! When my father tells me things he thinks I don't already know! And when he pushes the wrong buttons. It's almost as if in every juncture of my life when I need positive support I get shoved a pile of shit down my throat.
Another thing that's super changed is I don't know whats going on, but every time a week before I get my lovely period my head goes in psycho mode!!!!! It's never really done it before, or maybe I've never realized... but these past couple of months I just turn into a freakin psycho lady! It really does not aide in the whole clock ticking process either! I feel like my clock ticks faster a week before my period because I start to freak about ridiculous things!!! But maybe they're not ridiculous, maybe they are things that I should freak about? Who knows! It's annoying me and I'm sure annoying others as well... thanks for sticking through with me!
--------------
So it's 2 days after I started writing this post, and..wel... I ended up not going to the wedding! I went shopping found a wonderful dress for the event, got home, took a nap and that was it. I started feeling sick in the morning but I was pushing through it. After the nap I was done. So, I've been bed ridden for about 2 days now! yikes!!
Can I just say... this is something I've always hated. Being sick while living alone. It's like the worst thing ever. My friends offered to get stuff for me which is super nice, and my very insisting father brought over 8 cans of soup and veggies and Feta cheese. My fav food to eat when sick is toast with feta. mmm mmm mmm! But yes, I hate being sick and living alone, its the neediness in me. Maybe I'm just a really really really annoyingly needy person!!!
You know how you go about your days not really knowing how others percieve you? I would love for ya'll to tell me how you perceive me... tell me I'm a needy pain in the ass, I'll take it.
At this point, my post has gone in so many different directions.... yawn..... I think I'll stop now...
enjoy?
<3
So, I guess we gotta put that idea on the back burner. But ugh, I really want one! Let's move on to the next topic of info. Get this, I'm going to a wedding today! A family friend is getting married. I'm super excited for her! I'm looking forward to this joyous occasion and I'm also a little hesitant, for several reasons:
1. I just spent a week with a baby and now I'm gonna go to a wedding, my clock is probably steaming right now the second hand is just going in fast fast fast circles and the whole thing is about to spontaneously combust! Almost like drunk Roger Rabbit.
2. So, she's a family friend we basically have seen ourselves grow up. She's just a tad younger than I am. My whole life that I've known her, my father compared me to her. Growing up I felt a bit of animosity towards her because I never felt good enough. I put those feelings aside and she really is an awesome gal, I'm completely 100% happy for her. What I'm not looking forward to is the possibility of someone telling me that I need to get married.
I got back yesterday from New Foundland, sat down with my brother and father and was recounting my time spent away. I mentioned that my biological clock got to ticking faster after spending a week with a baby. My dad didn't really understand the concept of the biological clock. I explained it to him, I said "well, when most women near the age of 30 and they're not married or have kids yet , their clock starts ticking, they need to get these things done." Thus leading my father to giving me a lecture that men don't fall from the sky and that I can't sit around and wait for him to come. Then it escalated to a big ass argument. I hate it, I HATE it!!! HATE IT!!!! When my father tells me things he thinks I don't already know! And when he pushes the wrong buttons. It's almost as if in every juncture of my life when I need positive support I get shoved a pile of shit down my throat.
Another thing that's super changed is I don't know whats going on, but every time a week before I get my lovely period my head goes in psycho mode!!!!! It's never really done it before, or maybe I've never realized... but these past couple of months I just turn into a freakin psycho lady! It really does not aide in the whole clock ticking process either! I feel like my clock ticks faster a week before my period because I start to freak about ridiculous things!!! But maybe they're not ridiculous, maybe they are things that I should freak about? Who knows! It's annoying me and I'm sure annoying others as well... thanks for sticking through with me!
--------------
So it's 2 days after I started writing this post, and..wel... I ended up not going to the wedding! I went shopping found a wonderful dress for the event, got home, took a nap and that was it. I started feeling sick in the morning but I was pushing through it. After the nap I was done. So, I've been bed ridden for about 2 days now! yikes!!
Can I just say... this is something I've always hated. Being sick while living alone. It's like the worst thing ever. My friends offered to get stuff for me which is super nice, and my very insisting father brought over 8 cans of soup and veggies and Feta cheese. My fav food to eat when sick is toast with feta. mmm mmm mmm! But yes, I hate being sick and living alone, its the neediness in me. Maybe I'm just a really really really annoyingly needy person!!!
You know how you go about your days not really knowing how others percieve you? I would love for ya'll to tell me how you perceive me... tell me I'm a needy pain in the ass, I'll take it.
At this point, my post has gone in so many different directions.... yawn..... I think I'll stop now...
enjoy?
<3
Saturday, July 30, 2011
eeep!
I've been a slacker and I have no good excuse!!
Maybe it's echoing me slacking and not coming to terms with certain things going on in the romantic life. haha....
Anyways! I have some ideas of blog posts... but! I'm leaving for New Foundland today!! I do plan on writing a post while I'm gone so maybe I'll post something while I'm away, and maybe I'll wait until I get back.
In any case, I apologize for the lack of posts and new stuff and I hope to write here soon!
<3
Maybe it's echoing me slacking and not coming to terms with certain things going on in the romantic life. haha....
Anyways! I have some ideas of blog posts... but! I'm leaving for New Foundland today!! I do plan on writing a post while I'm gone so maybe I'll post something while I'm away, and maybe I'll wait until I get back.
In any case, I apologize for the lack of posts and new stuff and I hope to write here soon!
<3
Monday, July 18, 2011
The Talk
So!
I finally... FINALLY... finally found my balls and was able to have "the talk" with Mr. High School....it wasn't one of those "official" talks it was "the talk" that I've been needing to have to give me some kind of clarity in this whole situation... gosh, I was super nervous.... first off, yes, the past 2 weeks I've been freaking out.. life has been a bit rough lately and it's affected a lot of me.... but! with that being said I also think that I had sound judgments and concerns with Mr. High School and I.
If only you could hear my inner dialogue through the whole fucking evening. My co-workers thought I was insane, but my friends thought I was normal :) .... or so I think haha
This is how it went down....
The whole week I made 2 rules for myself
1. Don't initiate a thing!!!!!!
2. Don't be all cutesy blah blah blah excited via text
Ultimately both rules meant that HE had to come looking for ME... yes I know... I'm playing the fucking game!!! The fuckin' cursed game! But! A woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.. right? sigh.... right.
I
So!! I felt like I was in control of the situation I "didn't care," I didn't initiate I was on top of the world!!! Finally he initiated a hang out! I played it cool I was like "yeah, sure, if you wanna" hahaha oh I crack myself up.. anyways the night he was supposed to come over he had to cancel because he worked late but he came over the next day.
So he comes over, when he was around the corner I was just leaving my house ... I needed to buy some deodorant, gotta keep them pits fresh!! So he walked with me.. I was still playing it all cool rico suave like... or so I thought.. gosh I'm lame. He suggests we order pizza, I say sure. We get to the pharmacy I go on my hunt for nice smelling deodorant should I get the floral scent, the fresh rain scent, clean laundry... damn! they didn't have my peaches scent!!! Floral it is! I meet up with him, deodorant in hand and him with juice in his. We walk up to the register and I'm thinking "I'm going to buy my deodorant and be a bad ass and not offer to buy him his juice.. yeah! be strong...... you want me to pay for that? I can pay for it....... dammit" My tough girl act can only last so long. I fell weak to this mm mm mm man!
While we walk back to my place he calls and orders the pizza... by this time the ice queen facade wore off and I was just excited to be spending time with him. We get back to my place and in my head I'm thinking "okay girl, you gotta do this, you gotta talk to him... is now a good time? because we are waiting for the pizza, but then when the pizza comes we'll get interrupted and what if it turns out bad what happens then? he eats and leaves?!?!" So, we talk about bears around his work place and the pizza comes.
Finally!! I think to myself, the pizza has arrived we can sit and eat. I offer to eat in the living room, he offers we watch a movie... movie it is!!! A good movie at that!! Shutter Island!! love that movie!!! So, I'm thinking to myself, " we are going to watch a movie, then it's going to be too late to talk, and he'll be tired and will wanna sleep because he's gotta get up early tomorrow, god dammit what do i do! I need to have the talk with him!!!"
The movie is over! so good!!! And we cuddle for a bit, then we get up to go to bed and he's telling me how he feels like a zombie and I'm thinking "poor guy" and "when am I going to bring it up!!!! AAHH!!!"
We get ready for bed, hop into bed, turn off the lights, and my head is racing so I let out a big sigh... hahaha oy!! He tells me to turn over so he can massage my back!! woohoo!!! A nice relaxing massage! THIS should definitely help! While he's massaging me I'm thinking, "do I bring it up now?? but massages are supposed to be nice and relaxing I shouldn't." So I get all fidgety while he's massaging me and my thoughts are going in circles like this and he thinks he' s hurting me and I tell him "oh, I don't know why I'm feeling so restless" I'm so freakin lame!!!!!
The massage is done. Phew! I ask him if he wants one and he says no. Then its quiet for like a min or so and finally I'm like "fuck it!! this has got to go down tonight!!!!" So I say "Mr. High School (of course I called him by his real name), I have a question." While I say that he's scratching his arm and lets out this "uhhh/ohhh" kind of noise, it was an annoyed sounding noise ... haha he apologized and made sure I didn't think that noise had to do with my question, he politely said "what's your question"
I said... "what are your intentions? what were your intentions when this all began?" ... and.. well.. we kind of took it off from there!
Let me tell you! I felt really good about this conversation!! We talked about a lot of good things .. and we laughed too! Basically it comes down to this, we are just seeing each other, no bf/gf stuff and I take it that we are exclusive, he's not seeing anyone else and neither am I. He mentioned some baggage, which is totally understandable because who doesn't have baggage...shit! If he only knew the baggage I lugged around with me, hot damn! No one is perfect! And! get this!!! He was just playing along with my tough girl act!!!! He was like "yeah, I figured I'd let you do your thing" and I was like "what!!! I totally thought I had you!! I totally thought I had full control!!!! The fuckin game!!!!!!" he was playing it too!!
hahaha!!
But really, the convo went so well and he's so great and easy to talk to, he's so understanding. The conversation we had that night was by far the best I've had with him. We got to a deeper level than normal and we were open and cuddly and laughing and vulnerable. I thought it was a great conversation. Normally in my past serious relationships I've been in, the dudes would either not acknowledge my feelings or would turn it around and make shit look like it was my fault. Hence, why its hard for me to communicate my thoughts and feelings when he comes to expressing them to boys.
But anyways, I can't compare and contrast and say who does what better. Each person is different. Each ex is different and he's different too. We are our own people. It's hard not to bring the past into the now because we learn from experiences and use them as basis on how to handle the next similar thing. It's easy to forget that every situation and every person is different.
I guess we'll just see where the future takes this, us, him, me. I just gotta sit back and just enjoy this relationshipless relationship. Gotta make sure I don't fall off the bandwagon because right now I'm feelin' good!
I guess that's that for now!! I got a blog award that I think, if I remember, I'll share later on in the week!!
Thanks for reading my insanity :)
<3
I finally... FINALLY... finally found my balls and was able to have "the talk" with Mr. High School....it wasn't one of those "official" talks it was "the talk" that I've been needing to have to give me some kind of clarity in this whole situation... gosh, I was super nervous.... first off, yes, the past 2 weeks I've been freaking out.. life has been a bit rough lately and it's affected a lot of me.... but! with that being said I also think that I had sound judgments and concerns with Mr. High School and I.
If only you could hear my inner dialogue through the whole fucking evening. My co-workers thought I was insane, but my friends thought I was normal :) .... or so I think haha
This is how it went down....
The whole week I made 2 rules for myself
1. Don't initiate a thing!!!!!!
2. Don't be all cutesy blah blah blah excited via text
Ultimately both rules meant that HE had to come looking for ME... yes I know... I'm playing the fucking game!!! The fuckin' cursed game! But! A woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.. right? sigh.... right.
I
So!! I felt like I was in control of the situation I "didn't care," I didn't initiate I was on top of the world!!! Finally he initiated a hang out! I played it cool I was like "yeah, sure, if you wanna" hahaha oh I crack myself up.. anyways the night he was supposed to come over he had to cancel because he worked late but he came over the next day.
So he comes over, when he was around the corner I was just leaving my house ... I needed to buy some deodorant, gotta keep them pits fresh!! So he walked with me.. I was still playing it all cool rico suave like... or so I thought.. gosh I'm lame. He suggests we order pizza, I say sure. We get to the pharmacy I go on my hunt for nice smelling deodorant should I get the floral scent, the fresh rain scent, clean laundry... damn! they didn't have my peaches scent!!! Floral it is! I meet up with him, deodorant in hand and him with juice in his. We walk up to the register and I'm thinking "I'm going to buy my deodorant and be a bad ass and not offer to buy him his juice.. yeah! be strong...... you want me to pay for that? I can pay for it....... dammit" My tough girl act can only last so long. I fell weak to this mm mm mm man!
While we walk back to my place he calls and orders the pizza... by this time the ice queen facade wore off and I was just excited to be spending time with him. We get back to my place and in my head I'm thinking "okay girl, you gotta do this, you gotta talk to him... is now a good time? because we are waiting for the pizza, but then when the pizza comes we'll get interrupted and what if it turns out bad what happens then? he eats and leaves?!?!" So, we talk about bears around his work place and the pizza comes.
Finally!! I think to myself, the pizza has arrived we can sit and eat. I offer to eat in the living room, he offers we watch a movie... movie it is!!! A good movie at that!! Shutter Island!! love that movie!!! So, I'm thinking to myself, " we are going to watch a movie, then it's going to be too late to talk, and he'll be tired and will wanna sleep because he's gotta get up early tomorrow, god dammit what do i do! I need to have the talk with him!!!"
The movie is over! so good!!! And we cuddle for a bit, then we get up to go to bed and he's telling me how he feels like a zombie and I'm thinking "poor guy" and "when am I going to bring it up!!!! AAHH!!!"
We get ready for bed, hop into bed, turn off the lights, and my head is racing so I let out a big sigh... hahaha oy!! He tells me to turn over so he can massage my back!! woohoo!!! A nice relaxing massage! THIS should definitely help! While he's massaging me I'm thinking, "do I bring it up now?? but massages are supposed to be nice and relaxing I shouldn't." So I get all fidgety while he's massaging me and my thoughts are going in circles like this and he thinks he' s hurting me and I tell him "oh, I don't know why I'm feeling so restless" I'm so freakin lame!!!!!
The massage is done. Phew! I ask him if he wants one and he says no. Then its quiet for like a min or so and finally I'm like "fuck it!! this has got to go down tonight!!!!" So I say "Mr. High School (of course I called him by his real name), I have a question." While I say that he's scratching his arm and lets out this "uhhh/ohhh" kind of noise, it was an annoyed sounding noise ... haha he apologized and made sure I didn't think that noise had to do with my question, he politely said "what's your question"
I said... "what are your intentions? what were your intentions when this all began?" ... and.. well.. we kind of took it off from there!
Let me tell you! I felt really good about this conversation!! We talked about a lot of good things .. and we laughed too! Basically it comes down to this, we are just seeing each other, no bf/gf stuff and I take it that we are exclusive, he's not seeing anyone else and neither am I. He mentioned some baggage, which is totally understandable because who doesn't have baggage...shit! If he only knew the baggage I lugged around with me, hot damn! No one is perfect! And! get this!!! He was just playing along with my tough girl act!!!! He was like "yeah, I figured I'd let you do your thing" and I was like "what!!! I totally thought I had you!! I totally thought I had full control!!!! The fuckin game!!!!!!" he was playing it too!!
hahaha!!
But really, the convo went so well and he's so great and easy to talk to, he's so understanding. The conversation we had that night was by far the best I've had with him. We got to a deeper level than normal and we were open and cuddly and laughing and vulnerable. I thought it was a great conversation. Normally in my past serious relationships I've been in, the dudes would either not acknowledge my feelings or would turn it around and make shit look like it was my fault. Hence, why its hard for me to communicate my thoughts and feelings when he comes to expressing them to boys.
But anyways, I can't compare and contrast and say who does what better. Each person is different. Each ex is different and he's different too. We are our own people. It's hard not to bring the past into the now because we learn from experiences and use them as basis on how to handle the next similar thing. It's easy to forget that every situation and every person is different.
I guess we'll just see where the future takes this, us, him, me. I just gotta sit back and just enjoy this relationshipless relationship. Gotta make sure I don't fall off the bandwagon because right now I'm feelin' good!
I guess that's that for now!! I got a blog award that I think, if I remember, I'll share later on in the week!!
Thanks for reading my insanity :)
<3
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Let go
So, a lot on my mind. Last week I had a lot on my mind too and I couldn't quite put it all into words so I put up songs that echoed my thoughts and feelings. I'm going to do a bit of the same deal this post but I'll write more.
First song, I've been obsessed with Adele lately, and specifically this song:
So, things with Mr. High School seem to be going the way things with Mr. Hands did. Again I feel like I'm investing too much of myself into something where I'm not really getting much in return. It was really nice in the beginning of course, don't get me wrong, but then there comes a point where I always get too emotionally invested and expect the same from the other person. Expectations always seem to get in the way. But what was it I said in a post a while ago? It's not that I have high expectations, it's just that I'm not being liked/loved the way I need to be.
Yesterday I did spend the day moping about and being pissed, frustrated, angry, sad about many things in life. While there are promising aspects of my life, everything that I could see yesterday were only the things that were crumbling before my eyes. Sometimes the answers are just in front of you, and sometimes they're not.
Earlier this week, too, I expressed my frustration to my friend about our high school cohort. This year, so many of my high school cohorts have gotten engaged, married, a new born. This is the "typical" age when people reach the beginning of the next stage. I see facebook statuses everyday with something about my fiance this my husband that my baby blah blah blah. Most of those people I'm not really friends with so in a fit of rage and bitterness I deleted them all :) I realized, after, that it was really childish of me. I'm not saying I'm not happy for them, I am. I'm just a bit...haha... jealous. THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!! I gotta let it go.. let it go let it go. Let go of it so I can move forward, forward on my own path.
Let go of the past of the what if's and the maybes and could haves and blah blah blah. Because really that's just what it is... "sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead".... unfortunately for me it hasn't lasted yet :) hahahaha
Now for the second song, also by Adele:
RAWR!!! I'm feelin' a bit better today, had a nice brunch with the bestie this morning, that started my day out well :) Then I got home and watched a couple episodes of a TV show I really feel mimics my life and is sort of an Aesop's Fables for me... with each ending of an episode there's always a moral to be told. I watched 3 episodes and felt completely motivated to bake and listen to music and dance. This song, Rolling in the Deep, came on first and the deep bass beat just resonated and vibrated in my body and I just felt it and felt so empowered! So I'm owning all of this that I think and feel and I'm letting go of it all... well all that concerns Mr. High School, I should say.
Cause guess what all, I'm a catch! I really am!! Sometimes it's hard for me to truly believe that and feel that, but I really am. If Mr. High School or Mr. Joe Shmo can't see that or appreciate it or fight for it then fuck them all. I deserve just as much devotion, love, commitment, romance as the next person does. And fine, if I have to wait another 5-10 years fuck it I'll have to suck it up and wait. (please universe, please don't make me wait that long....hehe...) but seriously. I'd rather wait 10 yrs and be with my soul mate (cheesy, but they exist), than fall for an idiot and settle and be unhappy for the rest of my life.
C'mon soul mate!!!! Bring it on!! Bring it on!!!! I'm ready for you!!!!! Go Team Soul Mate!!!! RAH RAH RAH! But, if you need to take your time, I understand....sigh..... I guess.
So, that's where I'm at.
<3
First song, I've been obsessed with Adele lately, and specifically this song:
So, things with Mr. High School seem to be going the way things with Mr. Hands did. Again I feel like I'm investing too much of myself into something where I'm not really getting much in return. It was really nice in the beginning of course, don't get me wrong, but then there comes a point where I always get too emotionally invested and expect the same from the other person. Expectations always seem to get in the way. But what was it I said in a post a while ago? It's not that I have high expectations, it's just that I'm not being liked/loved the way I need to be.
Yesterday I did spend the day moping about and being pissed, frustrated, angry, sad about many things in life. While there are promising aspects of my life, everything that I could see yesterday were only the things that were crumbling before my eyes. Sometimes the answers are just in front of you, and sometimes they're not.
Earlier this week, too, I expressed my frustration to my friend about our high school cohort. This year, so many of my high school cohorts have gotten engaged, married, a new born. This is the "typical" age when people reach the beginning of the next stage. I see facebook statuses everyday with something about my fiance this my husband that my baby blah blah blah. Most of those people I'm not really friends with so in a fit of rage and bitterness I deleted them all :) I realized, after, that it was really childish of me. I'm not saying I'm not happy for them, I am. I'm just a bit...haha... jealous. THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!! I gotta let it go.. let it go let it go. Let go of it so I can move forward, forward on my own path.
Let go of the past of the what if's and the maybes and could haves and blah blah blah. Because really that's just what it is... "sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead".... unfortunately for me it hasn't lasted yet :) hahahaha
Now for the second song, also by Adele:
RAWR!!! I'm feelin' a bit better today, had a nice brunch with the bestie this morning, that started my day out well :) Then I got home and watched a couple episodes of a TV show I really feel mimics my life and is sort of an Aesop's Fables for me... with each ending of an episode there's always a moral to be told. I watched 3 episodes and felt completely motivated to bake and listen to music and dance. This song, Rolling in the Deep, came on first and the deep bass beat just resonated and vibrated in my body and I just felt it and felt so empowered! So I'm owning all of this that I think and feel and I'm letting go of it all... well all that concerns Mr. High School, I should say.
Cause guess what all, I'm a catch! I really am!! Sometimes it's hard for me to truly believe that and feel that, but I really am. If Mr. High School or Mr. Joe Shmo can't see that or appreciate it or fight for it then fuck them all. I deserve just as much devotion, love, commitment, romance as the next person does. And fine, if I have to wait another 5-10 years fuck it I'll have to suck it up and wait. (please universe, please don't make me wait that long....hehe...) but seriously. I'd rather wait 10 yrs and be with my soul mate (cheesy, but they exist), than fall for an idiot and settle and be unhappy for the rest of my life.
C'mon soul mate!!!! Bring it on!! Bring it on!!!! I'm ready for you!!!!! Go Team Soul Mate!!!! RAH RAH RAH! But, if you need to take your time, I understand....sigh..... I guess.
So, that's where I'm at.
<3
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Soundtrack to my life
I don't have much to write about.... although there is a lot going on in my head! hahaha.. but I just keep running in circles so I'm going to keep this post simple and sweet..... a few songs that kinda put where I'm at. This is in no particular order....
1. Super Bass - Nicki Minaj
2. Lean on Me - Bill Withers
3. Sway - Bic Runga
4. Fix You - Cold Play
5. Almost Lover - Fine Frenzy
the end....
for now
<3
1. Super Bass - Nicki Minaj
2. Lean on Me - Bill Withers
3. Sway - Bic Runga
4. Fix You - Cold Play
5. Almost Lover - Fine Frenzy
the end....
for now
<3
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