confused

ugh

i am so utterly confused about love and everything

i feel like i suck at this love thing

my head is being pulled in 2 different directions and both directions are oblivious to this struggle

and i question my thoughts and feelings, are they real or are they fantasy?

i feel like things were simpler back in the day.... remember in high school when u crushed on sum1 and they crushed on u and u went to the movies and kissed and that was it?

like my last post... sex does destroy innocence and sincerity... i mean it doesn't entirely but its just a whole different ball game.

anyways, i dunno...

maybe i blind myself to the reality of love because I want it so bad. If only I could read peoples minds.... if only I could see the future... gah this is lame...

my friend was telling me I should take more risks... i feel like i have taken risks... but i guess i need to continue taking them.... and i know i always bitch but why cant someone take a risk for me?

I sometimes think/feel I might be going crazy to want something like this so bad. To want love, to want commitment, to want marriage, to want a partner in life.

I create fantasies and ideas and ideals and I have to force myself to get back on the ground and be realistic. Why do I have to dream unrealistic things. Why is it I dream that certain boys are "the one" when they're not. Why do I always feel this strong sense of "he's the one."  I'm blinding myself.

I am seriously love sick.... I'm sick of love, love is seriously driving me crazy and I really do worry myself sometimes. This is too much, it can be too overwhelming... someone call me a doctor, I need some kinda anti-love potion.

I just reactivated my okcupid account on a whim and I was looking at some of these guys and all I could think was "they're not him." But who the fuck knows if HE is it? I was on there for not more than 2 min.. maybe even a minute... and i felt sick to my stomach.

Anyways, this is just my mid-week crisis.  I'll recover soon enough......

On a lighter note!!!!

cant wait to get to writing about Mr. Asshole!! It's a wonderfully entertaining story to tell..... hahahaha!

love love love

<3

p.s. I know I was gonna try and stop the bitching and complaining, but  I just had to throw this one out there. :)