Mr. Asshole

Okay... where do I begin this 10  yr saga!!! OY!

So, I don't know if you remember, but back in the day the internet and meeting people online was a booming thing. If i look back at some of my diaries from like middle school I write about boys I met online and how i had crushes on them and blah blah blah. I would meet them in lame chatrooms. Well, when I was on AOL I would search for people that had the same interests as me.... one of them was Sublime. I met Mr. Asshole on the internet because he liked Sublime. He was 2 years younger than me.

Mr. Asshole was/still is a depressed wreck. I mean maybe he's happier now that he's an "adult" I don't know, but with me he always made out his life to be some horrible depressing worthless thing. I fell for this. I'm pretty sure that I'm the type of girls that goes for broken guys so I can help fix them. Well I don't only go for them, I've had some semi-broken and all together guys. Not that there's anything wrong with either kind. I'm just miss fix-it and always wanna help dudes out and heal up their hearts because everyone deserves love and a happy existence!! (okay ill stop with the cheese)

Anyways, our romance started via chatting online. We share the same birthday and I thought it was a sure sign we were meant to be.... actually i didn't believe him at first because anyone can lie about their birthday!!! (Don't worry, I don't do that). I wrote about him and our first kiss Peck and then later on in a Closure post as well. So, if you've been reading, I guess you know how my mind works, I fall fast and create lovely fantasies. I thought he was "the one," I remember imagining our kids running around with heads full of crazy curly hair. When I met Mr. Asshole on the internet it was I guess my Junior or Senior year of high school?

Then I went away to college and the college I went to was much closer to him than where I grew up. So we met for the 2nd time (the first time i wrote about in the Peck post). He came to visit me and it was a wonderful time. He visited me twice and I visited him once. If you remember my post about Mr. First Love, both of these timelines coincide. Like I said before, Mr. Asshole was a depressed boy, and he would just sabotage anything good, so it was hard to be with him when we weren't hanging out. I couldn't handle it anymore and Mr. F.L. was a stable dude and my feelings were growing stronger for him. So I ended it with Mr. Asshole and dated Mr. F.L for 3.5 yrs.

Damn, this is a really long story.... so we kept in touch still over the years. He moved to CA for culinary school and I was on the east coast, then moved to southern CA when he was in WA, he found new loves, i found new loves blah blah but we would still keep in touch. Anyways, he moved back to the east coast about 3 yrs ago? The same time I did from CA. 

This time is when he got the approved stamp of Mr. Asshole. I let him be an ass to me for a while and just took it as his depression and blah blah.. but this was overboard! So, about 3 yrs ago I moved back from LA and we were excited to be on the same coast and closer finally. So, he came to visit me first. I showed him around the city and he was way more open and excited since the last time I saw him which was probably 5 prior. DAMN! Then I went and visited him in NYC and we walked around and cooked a delish dinner. I can't remember if he came to visit me a second time or not?? I don't think so... then, once, mid week, he asked me to come over and spend the night a random spur of the moment thing. I had the day off the next day so I figured "why not?" I guess he thought I'd say no but I said yes.

I took the Chinatown bus out of philly at 9pm? Got to NYC at 11pm and I remember making a mental note of the last and final bus leaving NYC at 1130 just in case things got fucked. On the bus ride up he said he was gonna meet up with me at the station in NYC, perfect! So, I get there at 11pm, and he's nowhere in sight.... so in the back of my head I knew it was gonna be bad but I still gave it all the benefit of the doubt (something I need to stop doing). I walked to a McDonalds near by cuz they were open 24hrs. I was sitting there and you can imagine the type of people that were there at that time of night.

I waited I think a half hour before I finally got a reply from him, after profusely trying to get in touch with him of course. He said he forgot he promised he'd hang with his coworker at a bar near his work and if I could meet him at his work. He worked at Whole Foods, the one close to ground zero. So, mind you its like close to midnight and I don't have a great idea of where I'm going. I hop on the train and get off the stop that he told me to... from gettin out I had no idea where I was heading so I kind of walked in circles and stopped a few people, the few that there were at this time of night, and asked directions.

I finally found myself in front of Whole Foods. I call/text him for the next 10-15 min, because he of course wasn't there. Finally I get a hold of him and he tells me to meet him at the bar, and its just down the street. Finding the bar was the easiest thing all night. So, I get to the bar and find him and his female coworker already wasted. He kisses and hugs me and tells me how much he loves me. He then gets me several shots. I start to get wasted. I remember his arm was bandaged up and he was telling me and the coworker that I made him do that, which was confusing. Yet he still told me how much he loved me. Then at one point he dared me and the coworker to hook up. I said no because I already felt some weird vibes going on. So then she kissed him and they were hard core making out in front of me.

I was pissed...naturally. Here in front of me is a guy who I dreamed living a life with, I dreamed up our kids. Here he was hooking up with this bitch while telling me he loved me.

They stop kissing and he goes back to getting wasted. Then... THEN!!!! He gets up to go to the bathroom. Now, the bathrooms in this bar wasn't like a ladies room and a mens room with several stalls. It was one person bathrooms. He goes, and she said she had to go too.... so I watch him go into one and her follow him. Theyre there for several minutes and I'm there shocked sitting at the bar alone. It was already 1 or 2 at this time and I remember looking out the window across the street and thinking about just staying at the hotel there. They finally get back and he tells me he loves me. I moved away from him and sat at a table by myself because I needed to regroup.. I was wasted and I needed to regroup. I called a friend in CA to get some advice.. I dont remember much of that convo. Then he followed me to the booth and told me how much he loved me and that he was sorry.

Gosh, my heart is beating so fast reliving this evening.... I told him to shut up and that I didn't believe him. The bar closes and we leave. She of course is coming over to sleep over too. We hop on the train on the way to brooklyn. Midway I have to pee soooo bad!!! We stop at union sq and pee at a convenient store. Then we decide to just take a cab home. On the way home he's sitting next to me telling me how much he loved me. While the girl is like trying to mack it with him.

We get to his place, his card doesnt work because I think he maxed it out at the bar? And the girl was passed out... so I had to pay for the cab ride! woot. We get up to his place and he tells me to sleep in his room and he was gonna set up the couch for the chick. I told him they should take the bed and I'm fine with the couch. He refused so fine, I took the bed.

I passed out and woke up at like 8. I had to piss like a racehorse at this point. So, I got up to go pee. Now, in order to get to the bathroom, when exiting his room you walked right into the living room and you had to walk between the couch and coffee table to get to the bathroom. I open the door, and there I see them ... him on top of her, getting it on, on the couch. I walk pass them. I pee. I walk by them again, at this point they're pretending to be asleep...hahaha. I get my shit together. Realize my sneakers are somewhere in the living room. I go in the living room, she's in the bathroom and he's pretend passed out on the couch. I walk out of the apt shaking in shock with everything that went on. I put my sneakers on. I go to the corner store and ask directions to the nearest train stop. Once I get to Chinatown I got a text from him asking why I left, and that I was no fun. I think i text him to fuck off and I called him and left him a voice message telling him he's worthless and blah blah blah

I didn't hear from him until last year, which was a year later. Apologizing for what happened and realizing what he lost and telling me that when he meditates all he sees is me. Of course I'd eat that shit up, and of course I'd reconsider giving him a bajillionth chance.  We talked for like a month or 2 but he still was an ass full of nothing lacking any kind of substance.

Yet, to this day, when life gets rough I want to contact him and cry on his shoulder. This past year was so tough, and there were so many times I just wanted to contact him to either seek comfort or to yell at. It's insane how I can still bear feelings for someone so disrespectful, so hurtful, and thoughtless.

Of course I wish him well.

Anyways... sigh.... that's Mr. Asshole. Ruined my dreams, broke my heart, and probably changed me in great ways and increased my lack of trust.... something I need to work on.

<3

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After posting this I was doing some thinking in the shower and realized I needed to add a few things to this already long ass post :) Looking back on this night is just something I laugh about cuz it was just something so completely ridiculous. I also learned a few things too well still learning a few big things that should come out of this:

1. It's okay if your dreams do not come true. I know we are taught to fight for what we believe in and for our dreams. But I think it's important to realize that there are some dreams that arent worth fighting for when it comes to the expense of your self love and integrity.
2. I've written about this plenty 'o time... stop having crazy expectations. Now, I realize that the expectation to be treated as a human being isn't one I shouldn't expect... I unfortunately expected it from a person that didn't know what that was. It's important to have high expectations for yourself, but it's also important to keep these high expectations realistic and grounded. 
3. Relationships end for a reason. No need to create ideas in your head that they're the one. Life isn't a RomCom or a tragic romance love story. No need to rehash it and try it again and again and again. It's only going to cause you and your partner more unnecessary heartache. 
4. I feel like there was something else but maybe it'll come to me another time :)

So that's that. I think thats the for real end of this post.
live long and prosper... hahaha

<3