I was thinking, how about a start at the beginning?
I know I posted two blogs Nostalgia Part 1 and Part 2, kind of sketching up an idea of what my "love life" was like from my very first kiss and on into high school. That stuff sort of shaped me in a small way, maybe in a bigger way too, who knows. So, I'm going to try and go back in time and look at the relationships I had as an adult?? No one is really an adult after high school... late teens early twenties until now. And hopefully I can find some morals to those stories. I mean, I know I've learned a lot looking back at old relationships especially the one I had with my very first love.
The Story of Mr. First Love
I knew him in high school, we never really hung out or talked, we were in different circles but we had a mutual close friend (I'll name her Em). I didn't start hanging with Em until my junior or senior year of high school. Anyways, it wasn't until after graduating high school that I actually hung out and spent time with Mr. First Love. He was going through some stuff senior year so after graduation he stepped away from his circle and started hanging with Em, me, and another friend of ours (I'll call her Joy). That summer was an awesome summer! All four of us hung out a lot or some times it'd be em, joy and Mr. First love, or me, joy and Mr. F.L. It was fun! Then I went away to college up in NY but me and Mr. F.L. were still very much in touch. The fun times turned a bit sour... a love triangle formed, or what have you. Joy wanted Mr. F.L., and so did I. I guess Mr. F.L. and me had a stronger connection? I don't know how to put it nicely because it was a really hard thing and I still feel guilty about it.. it broke up a strong friendship I had with Joy, and I know it's all about chicks before dicks, but I thought he was the one. (As an aside Joy and I recently started to re-kindle our friendship :) )
So, winter of '01- '02 was when things really started off with Mr. F.L. and I. I shared our first kiss in a past blog post his is Forgetful. Looking back he really was a romantic and he and I were really in love, since things started with the first kiss we really tried to spend as much time together as we could. Summer of '02 we took our first cross country road trip together.... it was awesome, until we got stuck in traffic somewhere in Wyoming and I basically demanded he love me. I couldn't understand why he could love his car and materialistic things but he couldn't say he loved me. White Flag on my part (I surrender to this mistake), you can't force people to love you on your terms/time.
This was a 3 year relationship so I'm gonna try and make this blog post not so long :) After my first year in college I transferred to a school back home, I was closer to my love! I lived with Em, and another friend of ours. Those 2 years were full of love and war. It wasn't until a year or two ago that I realized that men love differently than women do. Since realizing I know that Mr. F.L. really loved me. At times back then I think I needed more love from him. But he was at my place all the time, I was at his place all the time, he got me a sewing machine one year for my birthday which is a big deal considering we were poor college student back then. He did so much for me.
I'm not saying he was mr. perfect and I was miss. bitch. Because there's a reason why we are no longer. Fine I didn't recognize or understand his language of love, but there were other things that I couldn't handle. I'm not going to get into the details but he just wouldn't listen or understand me when I spoke about my feelings. When I would share how I felt he would take the defense and made it my fault. We took another cross country road trip summer '03 that ended horribly... somewhere mid- U.S. we got into a fight that ended in him driving all the way back east and us not speaking to one another. Then Fall of '04 we went on a backpacking trip around Europe... that trip I must say was the best trip we took. We had a lot of fun when we were together, we explored the world!
Winter '05 we moved to NY together. That's when things went downhill. I was distracted with school and work and he was distracted with school and work as well. I guess we didn't have time to love one another... and I wasn't getting the love that I needed, so when some guy at work was sweet talking me I at it up. Don't start assuming I slept with him because I didn't. My life in NY was such a mess!!! So much shit happened. In short, Mr. F.L. and I weren't doing good, mr. rico suave at work kissed me then later on got arrested for robbing the place, I told Mr. F.L. of the kiss and he naturally got pissed. Then I got accepted to a school out west... it was my sunshine ticket out of the dark hole I dug myself into.
When moving out Mr. F.L. and I were still together. I wanted to do a long distance thing, he really wasn't for it. I moved to CA summer of '05. Mr. F.L. and I were still in contact, things were up in the air but I never considered us being over... and it wasn't until later that I learned he did. That winter vacation I went back home to visit. January 2nd or 3rd I went to NY to visit Mr. F.L. and stayed there for like 2 days in our old apt. It was a bit depressing, being in that place that was once OURS. I think it was my first night there that I realized it was over between us. I don't even remember the time we spent together when I visited, it was all erased because that night we went to bed and in short I'll just say that he said another girls name. Turns out new years eve his ex gf came to visit him... I wanted to throw up my heart. That was it. That was the end.
I hadn't seen him until a couple months later for Ems wedding and he told her brother that we were over because I moved to CA, and this I hated so much because he never took his actions into account. I know I focused on the nice things he did for me and I didn't write much about what I did for him. But I loved him hard when we were together, I made him things... like, every year of our relationship I would sew him an abnormal teddy bear, I know this isn't much but it's just one little example. I show my love through craft and kisses. I wasn't perfect either I know this. We were young and still had so much to learn. And maybe we were better friends than lovers?
Anyways I tried to make this short. In short, I think what I learned from this was that:
- Men love differently than women and it's important to recognize their way of loving and show your appreciation... and vice versa, men.
- You can't force people to love you.
- COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! I think a lot of the problems we had, focused on miss-communication and NOT communicating enough and not showing empathy.
It took me a while to see these lessons. It's hard to remember to put them into practice as well. I still have trouble communicating, and it wasn't until I was with Mr. High School that I was able to appreciate the way he showed his like (I know he didn't love me haha!). Forcing people to love you, well, everyone wants to be loved!!!!! haha In all seriousness though, I don't think I've forced anyone to love me since then. I might've influenced my most recent serious ex I don't know if I gave him a name... I'll call him Mr. Comicon. That's a story for another time!
<3
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