Loverut

I feel like I'm stuck in a loverut.... it's a rut that's got everything to do with love.

It's funny, Ive been obsessively re-watching Felicity on netflix and there was this one eps that they had fun with and it was about Felicity going to The Clinic to fix her broken heart. The Clinic turned out to be some place they took out your heart and replaced it with something else so you wouldnt feel the emotion of heartache, but with the lack of heartache came the lack of love. She realizes that she would rather feel the pains of love if that meant she could feel the joys of love too.

I too would rather feel the pains of love so i could feel the joys of love. But for now, I'm in love-rut heartache central. Not only that though, I feel some weird changes happening inside my head and heart. I guess I'm not in a love-rut and I'm not suffering from heartache (okay maybe just a little) but I seriously don't want to entertain any seducers unless I feel that its worth it... unless I feel that it could be serious.

Like Mr. Gym for example, the twin, I knew right away not to entertain the idea...then I was like "ehh maybe I could try it." And, well, maybe it's that he's suuuper young that he's super immature and doesn't know how to treat a woman, or maybe he just doesn't know how to treat a woman, period. But just entertaining him and letting him distract me was pretty pathetic. The only romantic thing about him was the craigslist post.

I had a dream with Mr. High School in it last night. I don't know why but I can't stop thinking about him. I was actually talking about him to my coworker and I was telling her how he was like the first guy I've ever been with that really was a man. A real MAN. He wasn't a boy, or a boy trying to be a man, he was/is 100% man. It made me feel like a woman.... he made me feel like a woman. Now that I think about it, maybe if him and I aren't meant to be maybe the thing that I miss about him was me. I mean, let me back track, I think about him a lot, and I wonder if I could've done things differently and I've felt the need to apologize to him and have wanted to so many times but haven't, and a big part of me wants him in my life. Maybe I'm mixed up and maybe I'm not missing him but I'm missing the feeling I felt when I was with him, the feeling of being a woman to this man.

So, I guess that's what I need. I need a MAN who makes me feel like a WOMAN. Then I digress and say to myself, but, I wanna be his woman, and then I need to snap out of it because that obviously isn't happening.

Lame post, but I think I'm getting somewhere. Slowly.... slowly realizing the things that are important to me, and the things that I want. And...possibly, slowly realizing that I do deserve better and not entertaining the thought of some little Mr. Gym who thinks that sending pics of his abs will excite me.

Anyways, I'm trying to make a conscious decision to just not care about boys or think about them or focus my time on them, but not just boys, love as well. I've been thinking of chopping off my hair as a new beginning, to let go of all the weight (figuratively), and maybe it'll act as a good male deterrent, not that they're lining up or anything.....

we'll see...
until next time!

<3