Bulls and Horns

So, I was gonna start this post out by saying something like "you know how I can be really lame about love and fighting for it and all that crap?" but then I stopped myself and said to myself... dude, I am not lame for believing in love and for fighting for it and for loving love so hard. I'm not lame at all, I'm just a mothafuckin' lover of love! Is that so bad?

I have mentioned this person a few times but I never really had a post devoted to him. I was debating writing out my history with this boy, but I don't think I will. Now, I know I almost fall in love with every boy I meet... it's more-so like an infatuation, than love... then reality sets in and I'm like "oh, hmm... yeah.. naaahhh." I'm glad that recently I've been able to be more quick to  know whether being with a certain person is worth my time, even though there is that infatuation.... I shouldn't say worth my time.... I should say.... whether being with a certain person is the right thing to do at this time in my life. I know I'm ready for a serious relationship and I know what I want and what I don't want... well I primarily know what I don't want, which I guess leads me to know what it is that I do want... Anyways!!! I'm glad I'm a better judge with all of this...

Another thing I want to mention is that this past year or 2??? I have been able to get over past "infatuations" and exes and blah blah blah.... i think? haha And! I feel like I've been grabbing love by the horns... possibly??? hopefully??? maybe I'm delusional in that aspect? haha

This one though, this one.... he's got a hold on me.  Ok, fine! Maybe I'll give a brief description of my relationship with him. I've mentioned him a few times but I don't think in detail. I think I even recently gave him the name Mr. Orange. The first time I lived in CA Mr. Orange and I dated casually. He lived an hour away from me but we saw each other almost every weekend... from what I can remember? Maybe every other weekend at times.... it was a casual relationship ... and it was an awesome one. It wasn't a  fuck-and-leave casual relationship. It was one where we spent time doing things... we went to museums and went on dates, comedy clubs, movies blah blah ... we had fun! He had just gotten out of a serious relationship so he didn't want anything serious... i kinda wanted it (of course), but I was cool with the casualness as well.

So, then I moved back east and that obviously ended. We've been in touch ever since. He's a really great guy. Even though we don't talk every day or every week, he has always popped up in my life when I've struggled and he's been extremely supportive. Like, insanely, amazingly supportive. He's an all around awesome guy.

Anyways, that was a really short description of him... I'm keeping his description short and sweet... I dunno why I don't want to like write a novel about him like I have with others....

Y'know how I've sorta been grabbing the bull by its horns? I did with this one too. I wrote him an email. I really really feel strongly about him, he's always been in the back of my mind and I've always felt that there was unfinished business with him and I. I wrote him to express my feelings and to find out whether it was worth it for me to hold on to these feelings. He doesn't live in CA anymore but he still lives far away. I wasn't asking for a long distance relationship because we all know that'll just fuck shit up. I just wanted to know if there could be a possibility for us if/when geographical circumstances were different.

Here's the thing... with Mr. Hands and Mr. High School I liked them a lot I did, but I ended it with them because I knew/felt that they weren't in it as much as I was. With this guy, Mr. Orange, I know he has feelings for me... I do. I just don't know how serious and I want to know what his thoughts are on this. We've talked about us jokingly, but I just want to know. That's a problem of mine. I always just want to know everything and I pry too much sometimes, and sometimes I don't pry at all!

I wrote, what I think, to be a pretty good letter! But! I guess it might've been confusing? I dunno, he text me as soon as he read it and there was some kind of misunderstanding. Anyways.... I tried to clear up the confusion... and I haven't heard from him since. Which is okay, I get it... he's gotta take time to process it and marinate on it and what not... I get it. BUT! haha there's always a but! I'm kinda like... eeep!! waiting!! waiting! waiting! I'm seriously on edge. Whatever the outcome, it'll be okay. I just, i'm fighting for this.

I feel really level headed about this too. Which might be unbelievable coming from me :) But I'm trying to take the neccessary precautions. Like, I'm trying to be realistic.... even though me writing a "love letter" (hahaha) to a boy 2000 miles away isn't really realistic, my feelings in this is more realistic than I think they've ever been. If things turn out to be positive with him I'd be really excited to take it slow and to not rush into something.

Anyways, we'll see. Until I get a response, I'm just gonna be wrapped up in anticipation (said the way Time Curry does in Rocky Horror).... and if I don't get a response... then that'll be my answer and  I'll slowly let it go.

In conclusion, grab the bull by its horns and just fuckin' go for what you want! While it might seem pointless, who the fuck cares, just do it! It felt really random just writing him the letter, but seriously, why wait? Why not just dive in? And, while you might get hurt doing so, it'll at least make you stronger and it'll save you time and energy!

<3