Salt to the wound

Warning: This post may seem negative and mean towards those with significant others. I love love and I love that you all have love in your lives, so do not take this personally. This is just part of my self-exploration in being a single lady.... but more honestly, it's me venting!

Okay, single ladies, please help me out here, let me know I am not the only single woman out here feeling or even thinking this way.

I have been in serious relationships, casual ones, sex-only ones whatever. I have had confidence in the past in being a single woman. For some reason, after my most recent break-up I just can't shake this helpless feeling off of me. What is going on here?! Throw me a freakin' bone. I don't know if it's me not being over my ex (even though I know he is not 'the one' for me), or my biological clocks' alarm going off beeping beeping beeping incessantly telling me I need to find my 'one' before I get old and shrivel up. I am just having a really tough time over here.

After my break-up there was a short mourning period, which quickly jumped into an "I'M BETTER THAN YOU, I DON'T NEED YOU" period.......then the knowledge of my ex having a girlfriend with my same exact name (different spelling, mine is better of course :)) .... made my world come crashing down and now I'm unwillingly being flooded by memories of him and I and our break-up and I just can't seem to shake the sorrow out of my head.

So, why the WARNING? Well, here's the thing, let me start off by saying that I love my girlfriends, I do, I truly do, and I hope and think that they know that. I just got back from having dinner with them and we had some great conversations. Now, I don't expect convos of their significant others to not come up, it's normal it's what we all talk about... boys boys boys. Just because I'm currently single it doesn't mean that these conversations should stop.

My only struggle with this is, that it sort of is just a freakin' struggle. I want to and can relate to the conversation, but how do I relate to it? By bringing up things from my most recent relationship. It's like adding salt to my wounds. I can't tell my gals to not talk about their significant others, and I also can't just sit there in silence refusing to involve myself in their conversation.

All of my closest friends who I live close by to now, have significant others. They all do. I have one old friend that is single but we aren't so super close. So it just kind of sucks. I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong, but I'm going to be honest and say that I'm just jealous.

I also, ugh.. I don't want to be that girl that can't stop whining about being single, or crying about the ex. I try really hard to not bring it up.. but I do bring it up... and I hate it when I do. It's fuckin' redundant bullshit. So, I know I just need to strap them boots on tight and "man" up. I know I just need to move on and walk away from it all.

Single ladies, out there, I ask you, do you feel the same too? Do you struggle with this too? Maybe you're over your ex, but maybe when you sit around a table with gals that have significant others, you feel it.

I miss that confidence I have knowing that I have someone at home keeping the bed warm for me. I miss that warm beat in my heart that knows I have that kind of love in my life. Maybe I just need to learn that the love I have from family and friends is all I need, and I shouldn't depend or wait on a man to love me.

.... ehh... fuck it... I'm a dreamer, I want that, I love love so much.

Help me out here gals. I just need to get my mojo back and live on that high horse of mine that's sitting somewhere in the corner collecting dust.


<3

Update!!

Hello lovely readers!

I figured I'd do a mid week update!

First off, I don't think I'll post Nostaligia 3 for next weeks post, I have something else in mind that needs to be discussed. It's something we all deal with... I hope I'll be able to do a good job writing about it.

Secondly! Alright! I've been wanting to update on Space Oddity and on Mr. High School.

I may also add some new thoughts at the end but I may have to be super discrete about them!

So!! Update on Space Oddity! Back around the beginning of August I wrote this cheesy desperate post about finding my future husband, about there being a planet full of future husbands and all that nonsense. Then! I went on to talk about 2 customers whom I am very much attracted to... and then I set up a silly goal for myself to ask a boy out... what was I thinking?!

I didn't ask a boy out, I guess I'm too much of a pussy to do that. Well, 1. I'm scared to do the courting.. I don't know how to do that! and 2. I realize that maybe I am too scared to start a relationship, maybe I am not as ready as I thought I was....hmm, something to think about. I'm rushing rushing rushing to find my future husband and yet, I just, hmm, am not ready. As much as I miss being with someone and as lonely as I feel at times, I guess now is not the time. Who knows when the time really will come. But! What we do have to remember, ladies and gentlemen, is that we must must must live in the present. I keep on forgetting about that. Live in the now! So, I'm trying to take my time... trying not to rush rush rush... and just walk through this life, and enjoy it!

Okay! There's that! Now!! an Update on Mr.Dickies, he was also mentioned in the Space Oddity post. So!!! Thank the universe for girlfriends! I tell you! If it weren't for them I dunno how anyone would get by in this world! :)

My bestie and I went to Mr. Dickies place of work (this was her idea) to.. you know... wait, I actually don't know... I can't say to "put the moves on" but to I guess stir things up a bit? See what happens? How Mr. Dickies will react?!?! Did he react? That he did! :) Not a major reaction, but the little things do help :) All he did was say "Hey, I guess I should just call you for the change order and you can drop it by after work from now on" and I giggled and that was it... I honestly have no recollection of what I replied with. I seriously become a little girl most of the time, when I'm around a boy I really really like. This primarily happens when I really like a boy and really don't know much about him. So then I tend to create this awesome idea of him and it goes down hill from there :) Then he served us our cheese platter and told us about each cheese (3 lil slices of cheese for $15...crazaaay!) and that was it! Oh! and guess what! He didn't do the whole "long blink" thing! high five!!!

So that was that... I hadn't seen him for about a week or so... Then! Well! Let me sidetrack a bit! Lately I've been trying to be a bit more girlie and more comfortable with being girlie, so on Fridays at work it's sort of a "wear whatever you want but you have to have green or purple" day so I decided to dress up cutesie girlie, I put on make-up too! WOA!!!! I know!!!!

On this super cute Friday I got to help him for his change order and what happened?!?!! He said "You look really pretty!" and I said "Thanks" I probably blushed too! Then he said "Not that you don't look pretty on other days, but you look extra extra extra pretty today!" and I said "Thanks" again, of course accompanied with some giggling!! UGH!!! I'M 27 YEARS OLD AND I STILL FUCKIN GIGGLE!!! GRRR!!! Makes me feel like a 5th grader. It was really sweet, I should've asked him out right then and there... but did I? Nope!!

So that's my Mr. Dickies update! ...sigh...

On to Mr. High School... you know what... I really don't want to waste my time writing about this OR your time reading about him... let's just say looks can be deceiving and while he looked like a wise man and we had adult conversations alas he is still in High School... NEXT!!!!

It's funny because after my Deactivation post... after deactivating that stupid OKcupid account it seemed that boys were being handed to me on a silver platter! First it was Mr. High School contacting me again ( achoo::bullshit::ooooo!) , then it was Mr. Dickies telling me I looked pretty :) and then! a freakin' curve ball thrown at me from I have no idea where!!

Here is the discrete section of this post!!

So, how do I go about talking about this boy!! I've known him for a couple of years, we have great chemistry, we can joke around and just have a great time! I do not even know if I should be writing about this, but fuck it! So, he told me he liked me! Which I never thought I would hear him say! At one point I had a little crush on him but shit...we can't be ruining friendships with crushes... I think, ladies and gentlemen (yes I used it again), we all know where that ends up, if it ends :) So, I stopped myself from feeling those things. And, well, SHIT! Now I'm just fucking confused! So, that is all I have to say. I guess there is no way of being discrete about this... anyone can read this...

But I find myself thinking about it often! I need to wash my brain or something. I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair! haha! I'm not that obsessed about it that I sing a song about it, but it came to mind! I just never thought I'd be his type... anyways... lets wash up!


I guess that's that all!

Check out next weeks post!! It should be a good one!

Gonna go hop in the shower now ;)