Taking a mini break from writing posts on past loves :) This weeks blog post was brought on from watching The Bachelor Pad.....
So, I'm a sucker for anything The Bachelor/Bachelorette related. It's a guilty pleasure :) I've been watching The Bachelor Pad, and while it frustrates the shit out of me, I still watch it. (The frustration is due to the fact that Vienna and Kasey are still on it!! UGH!) Anyways!!! In last weeks episode they had a competition called The Nearlywed Game and it was just like the Newlywed game so you get the idea... One question came up "How many dates before your partner makes whoopee?" Then hearing the answers, whether they were true or not, was a shocker to me.
For some reason, at some point in time, maybe 5 years ago or so, I subconsciously made the decision, a rule, that I'd have to go on 3 days and then making whoopee was acceptable. After watching this weeks episode it was a true eye opener! Some said like 7 some said 30. Then I asked the girls at work and they too were leaning definitely towards more than 3 dates! I was like "damn!! am I that easy?" When in reality, maybe I just don't give myself enough credit!
Fine, with some people and some relationships it just happens when it happens.. on the first, second third whatever date and there are no rules and regulations. For the most part, with the ppl that I know that gave it up on the first date it was mostly because it was with the love of their lives... but then you have the other side of the spectrum the one night stands and blah blah blah... but one night stands are a totally different topic so scratch that.
Anyways, I thought about it, and was thinking that maybe if I did add more dates before making whoopee, maybe my relationships would have more meaning. Maybe I wouldn't run into an issue like I did with the most recent dude I was with. While sex is AMAZING it can also be destructive. There are times I wish Mr. High School and I were still hanging out but sex kinda ruined it all. I'd honestly be willing to hold off on sex for like a whole year to be able to have a meaningful relationship where the connection was enough... well that and make out sessions :) hehe
This whole thing was like a huge epiphany! I need to give myself more meaning and the other person more meaning and the relationship more meaning too. I need to respect myself more. Because ya know what guys and gals... what I'm about to say may be super personal and blah blah but whatever it is what it is...I think the reason why I put out so early on is because I feel like that is the only way I can keep a guy. It's sad but true. We are surrounded by sex all over and this idea that like it's all that dudes want, and in reality I know it's not, but it's what I grew up knowing. So, why would it be odd that I would think that that's the only way I can keep a dude.
Anyways, that's my confession, and with that confession I'm making a rule that I'm going to wait longer. I'm not saying how long, but I need to believe I'm worth the wait.
In every aspect of my life I need to learn to trust and believe in myself. This is one way I can do that.
Well, that's that... next week I hope to write about Mr. Asshole :) The second "love of my life" ugh... vomit.... hahaha
Until next time, have a wonderful week!!!!
<3
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Reassessment
Okay, I feel like I've lost track of what my purpose of this blog is.. if there even is a solid purpose. It started out as a way to have fun and document relationship mishaps and wonders as a single lady. Thinking about it I think I've done a whole lot of complaining and whining.... it annoys me, so it MUST annoy you.
I was thinking, how about a start at the beginning?
I know I posted two blogs Nostalgia Part 1 and Part 2, kind of sketching up an idea of what my "love life" was like from my very first kiss and on into high school. That stuff sort of shaped me in a small way, maybe in a bigger way too, who knows. So, I'm going to try and go back in time and look at the relationships I had as an adult?? No one is really an adult after high school... late teens early twenties until now. And hopefully I can find some morals to those stories. I mean, I know I've learned a lot looking back at old relationships especially the one I had with my very first love.
The Story of Mr. First Love
I knew him in high school, we never really hung out or talked, we were in different circles but we had a mutual close friend (I'll name her Em). I didn't start hanging with Em until my junior or senior year of high school. Anyways, it wasn't until after graduating high school that I actually hung out and spent time with Mr. First Love. He was going through some stuff senior year so after graduation he stepped away from his circle and started hanging with Em, me, and another friend of ours (I'll call her Joy). That summer was an awesome summer! All four of us hung out a lot or some times it'd be em, joy and Mr. First love, or me, joy and Mr. F.L. It was fun! Then I went away to college up in NY but me and Mr. F.L. were still very much in touch. The fun times turned a bit sour... a love triangle formed, or what have you. Joy wanted Mr. F.L., and so did I. I guess Mr. F.L. and me had a stronger connection? I don't know how to put it nicely because it was a really hard thing and I still feel guilty about it.. it broke up a strong friendship I had with Joy, and I know it's all about chicks before dicks, but I thought he was the one. (As an aside Joy and I recently started to re-kindle our friendship :) )
So, winter of '01- '02 was when things really started off with Mr. F.L. and I. I shared our first kiss in a past blog post his is Forgetful. Looking back he really was a romantic and he and I were really in love, since things started with the first kiss we really tried to spend as much time together as we could. Summer of '02 we took our first cross country road trip together.... it was awesome, until we got stuck in traffic somewhere in Wyoming and I basically demanded he love me. I couldn't understand why he could love his car and materialistic things but he couldn't say he loved me. White Flag on my part (I surrender to this mistake), you can't force people to love you on your terms/time.
This was a 3 year relationship so I'm gonna try and make this blog post not so long :) After my first year in college I transferred to a school back home, I was closer to my love! I lived with Em, and another friend of ours. Those 2 years were full of love and war. It wasn't until a year or two ago that I realized that men love differently than women do. Since realizing I know that Mr. F.L. really loved me. At times back then I think I needed more love from him. But he was at my place all the time, I was at his place all the time, he got me a sewing machine one year for my birthday which is a big deal considering we were poor college student back then. He did so much for me.
I'm not saying he was mr. perfect and I was miss. bitch. Because there's a reason why we are no longer. Fine I didn't recognize or understand his language of love, but there were other things that I couldn't handle. I'm not going to get into the details but he just wouldn't listen or understand me when I spoke about my feelings. When I would share how I felt he would take the defense and made it my fault. We took another cross country road trip summer '03 that ended horribly... somewhere mid- U.S. we got into a fight that ended in him driving all the way back east and us not speaking to one another. Then Fall of '04 we went on a backpacking trip around Europe... that trip I must say was the best trip we took. We had a lot of fun when we were together, we explored the world!
Winter '05 we moved to NY together. That's when things went downhill. I was distracted with school and work and he was distracted with school and work as well. I guess we didn't have time to love one another... and I wasn't getting the love that I needed, so when some guy at work was sweet talking me I at it up. Don't start assuming I slept with him because I didn't. My life in NY was such a mess!!! So much shit happened. In short, Mr. F.L. and I weren't doing good, mr. rico suave at work kissed me then later on got arrested for robbing the place, I told Mr. F.L. of the kiss and he naturally got pissed. Then I got accepted to a school out west... it was my sunshine ticket out of the dark hole I dug myself into.
When moving out Mr. F.L. and I were still together. I wanted to do a long distance thing, he really wasn't for it. I moved to CA summer of '05. Mr. F.L. and I were still in contact, things were up in the air but I never considered us being over... and it wasn't until later that I learned he did. That winter vacation I went back home to visit. January 2nd or 3rd I went to NY to visit Mr. F.L. and stayed there for like 2 days in our old apt. It was a bit depressing, being in that place that was once OURS. I think it was my first night there that I realized it was over between us. I don't even remember the time we spent together when I visited, it was all erased because that night we went to bed and in short I'll just say that he said another girls name. Turns out new years eve his ex gf came to visit him... I wanted to throw up my heart. That was it. That was the end.
I hadn't seen him until a couple months later for Ems wedding and he told her brother that we were over because I moved to CA, and this I hated so much because he never took his actions into account. I know I focused on the nice things he did for me and I didn't write much about what I did for him. But I loved him hard when we were together, I made him things... like, every year of our relationship I would sew him an abnormal teddy bear, I know this isn't much but it's just one little example. I show my love through craft and kisses. I wasn't perfect either I know this. We were young and still had so much to learn. And maybe we were better friends than lovers?
Anyways I tried to make this short. In short, I think what I learned from this was that:
It took me a while to see these lessons. It's hard to remember to put them into practice as well. I still have trouble communicating, and it wasn't until I was with Mr. High School that I was able to appreciate the way he showed his like (I know he didn't love me haha!). Forcing people to love you, well, everyone wants to be loved!!!!! haha In all seriousness though, I don't think I've forced anyone to love me since then. I might've influenced my most recent serious ex I don't know if I gave him a name... I'll call him Mr. Comicon. That's a story for another time!
<3
I was thinking, how about a start at the beginning?
I know I posted two blogs Nostalgia Part 1 and Part 2, kind of sketching up an idea of what my "love life" was like from my very first kiss and on into high school. That stuff sort of shaped me in a small way, maybe in a bigger way too, who knows. So, I'm going to try and go back in time and look at the relationships I had as an adult?? No one is really an adult after high school... late teens early twenties until now. And hopefully I can find some morals to those stories. I mean, I know I've learned a lot looking back at old relationships especially the one I had with my very first love.
The Story of Mr. First Love
I knew him in high school, we never really hung out or talked, we were in different circles but we had a mutual close friend (I'll name her Em). I didn't start hanging with Em until my junior or senior year of high school. Anyways, it wasn't until after graduating high school that I actually hung out and spent time with Mr. First Love. He was going through some stuff senior year so after graduation he stepped away from his circle and started hanging with Em, me, and another friend of ours (I'll call her Joy). That summer was an awesome summer! All four of us hung out a lot or some times it'd be em, joy and Mr. First love, or me, joy and Mr. F.L. It was fun! Then I went away to college up in NY but me and Mr. F.L. were still very much in touch. The fun times turned a bit sour... a love triangle formed, or what have you. Joy wanted Mr. F.L., and so did I. I guess Mr. F.L. and me had a stronger connection? I don't know how to put it nicely because it was a really hard thing and I still feel guilty about it.. it broke up a strong friendship I had with Joy, and I know it's all about chicks before dicks, but I thought he was the one. (As an aside Joy and I recently started to re-kindle our friendship :) )
So, winter of '01- '02 was when things really started off with Mr. F.L. and I. I shared our first kiss in a past blog post his is Forgetful. Looking back he really was a romantic and he and I were really in love, since things started with the first kiss we really tried to spend as much time together as we could. Summer of '02 we took our first cross country road trip together.... it was awesome, until we got stuck in traffic somewhere in Wyoming and I basically demanded he love me. I couldn't understand why he could love his car and materialistic things but he couldn't say he loved me. White Flag on my part (I surrender to this mistake), you can't force people to love you on your terms/time.
This was a 3 year relationship so I'm gonna try and make this blog post not so long :) After my first year in college I transferred to a school back home, I was closer to my love! I lived with Em, and another friend of ours. Those 2 years were full of love and war. It wasn't until a year or two ago that I realized that men love differently than women do. Since realizing I know that Mr. F.L. really loved me. At times back then I think I needed more love from him. But he was at my place all the time, I was at his place all the time, he got me a sewing machine one year for my birthday which is a big deal considering we were poor college student back then. He did so much for me.
I'm not saying he was mr. perfect and I was miss. bitch. Because there's a reason why we are no longer. Fine I didn't recognize or understand his language of love, but there were other things that I couldn't handle. I'm not going to get into the details but he just wouldn't listen or understand me when I spoke about my feelings. When I would share how I felt he would take the defense and made it my fault. We took another cross country road trip summer '03 that ended horribly... somewhere mid- U.S. we got into a fight that ended in him driving all the way back east and us not speaking to one another. Then Fall of '04 we went on a backpacking trip around Europe... that trip I must say was the best trip we took. We had a lot of fun when we were together, we explored the world!
Winter '05 we moved to NY together. That's when things went downhill. I was distracted with school and work and he was distracted with school and work as well. I guess we didn't have time to love one another... and I wasn't getting the love that I needed, so when some guy at work was sweet talking me I at it up. Don't start assuming I slept with him because I didn't. My life in NY was such a mess!!! So much shit happened. In short, Mr. F.L. and I weren't doing good, mr. rico suave at work kissed me then later on got arrested for robbing the place, I told Mr. F.L. of the kiss and he naturally got pissed. Then I got accepted to a school out west... it was my sunshine ticket out of the dark hole I dug myself into.
When moving out Mr. F.L. and I were still together. I wanted to do a long distance thing, he really wasn't for it. I moved to CA summer of '05. Mr. F.L. and I were still in contact, things were up in the air but I never considered us being over... and it wasn't until later that I learned he did. That winter vacation I went back home to visit. January 2nd or 3rd I went to NY to visit Mr. F.L. and stayed there for like 2 days in our old apt. It was a bit depressing, being in that place that was once OURS. I think it was my first night there that I realized it was over between us. I don't even remember the time we spent together when I visited, it was all erased because that night we went to bed and in short I'll just say that he said another girls name. Turns out new years eve his ex gf came to visit him... I wanted to throw up my heart. That was it. That was the end.
I hadn't seen him until a couple months later for Ems wedding and he told her brother that we were over because I moved to CA, and this I hated so much because he never took his actions into account. I know I focused on the nice things he did for me and I didn't write much about what I did for him. But I loved him hard when we were together, I made him things... like, every year of our relationship I would sew him an abnormal teddy bear, I know this isn't much but it's just one little example. I show my love through craft and kisses. I wasn't perfect either I know this. We were young and still had so much to learn. And maybe we were better friends than lovers?
Anyways I tried to make this short. In short, I think what I learned from this was that:
- Men love differently than women and it's important to recognize their way of loving and show your appreciation... and vice versa, men.
- You can't force people to love you.
- COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! I think a lot of the problems we had, focused on miss-communication and NOT communicating enough and not showing empathy.
It took me a while to see these lessons. It's hard to remember to put them into practice as well. I still have trouble communicating, and it wasn't until I was with Mr. High School that I was able to appreciate the way he showed his like (I know he didn't love me haha!). Forcing people to love you, well, everyone wants to be loved!!!!! haha In all seriousness though, I don't think I've forced anyone to love me since then. I might've influenced my most recent serious ex I don't know if I gave him a name... I'll call him Mr. Comicon. That's a story for another time!
<3
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
change
i was talking to a friend tonight about boys
and she seems to be kinda stuck in a rut, similar to my Mr. High School rut, and i basically gave her the same advice that was given to me. I mightve elaborated a bit more and gave a bit more advice, but the heart of it was the advice that ive been given many many times. You just really can't change a person. No matter how hopeful u are and how much u think ur love will be strong enough to change the person you just cant. so it leaves you with 3 options:
1. realize u can't change the person and move on
2. if his/her negatives outweigh his/her positives, but not even that, really if u can deal with his/her negatives. No one is perfect, we all have our faults, so, can you accept him/her for his/her faults and...
3. What is your self worth. Now, with number 2 yeah u can learn to accept a person for who they are, it in a way is better than just throwing them to the curb, but the balance to all of this is if you feel like you have some sense of worth. Are you giving too much of urself in hopes this person will change, or are u giving too much of your self to balance out the acceptance of your partners faults? In the end things can work out but it really comes down to if you are ultimately happy in your situation. Are you being given the kind of love you need?
Not to always bring up Mr. High School but its the most recent thing I can talk about (and there's more to the story I havent written about.) Ultimately those 3 reasons are why I ended it. I realized that Mr. High School was the way he was and there was no way that I could change/fix him (for some reason I'm one of those gals that's all about helping and taking care of the wounded boys....). Then I decided to be patient with him and decided that I accept him for who he is and really truly did, it took me breaking up with him to realize that but I did really accept him for who he was and I wanted to try it again and not have expectations of him and be more patient with him. Then I begged for him back... I didn't hear from him for a week then I get a text from him last sunday night and he just wanted to see what was up, no mention of any of the conversation we had the week prior. That was when I realized that I was worth more. That was when I realized that I wasn't happy because my thoughts and emotions weren't being recognized at all. So, a few days later I asked him not to text me for a while because it just hurt me.
Im sorry to have turned my friends dilema into an explanation of my relationship with Mr. High School, but I hope I was able to help her.
Really, as much as we wish it to be possible, people NEVER change. I mean, they do change, people can change, but if they choose to change for themselves... so let me rephrase it. YOU can never change a person. You are not that powerful, and no matter how hard you love a person and no matter how much you think your love for that person is enough to change them.. it just isn't. It's all up to the individual, whether it be your lover, your friend, or your family.
So, with that being said, look deep within and find your self worth and find what makes you happy and what kind of love you need and if it's being fulfilled. In the end, you only have you, right? Let's make sure that you're happy.
<3
p.s. i didnt feel like being grammatically correct or whatever... it's late and i'm tired.
p.p.s yes, i survived the earthquake and hurricane! woot!
and she seems to be kinda stuck in a rut, similar to my Mr. High School rut, and i basically gave her the same advice that was given to me. I mightve elaborated a bit more and gave a bit more advice, but the heart of it was the advice that ive been given many many times. You just really can't change a person. No matter how hopeful u are and how much u think ur love will be strong enough to change the person you just cant. so it leaves you with 3 options:
1. realize u can't change the person and move on
2. if his/her negatives outweigh his/her positives, but not even that, really if u can deal with his/her negatives. No one is perfect, we all have our faults, so, can you accept him/her for his/her faults and...
3. What is your self worth. Now, with number 2 yeah u can learn to accept a person for who they are, it in a way is better than just throwing them to the curb, but the balance to all of this is if you feel like you have some sense of worth. Are you giving too much of urself in hopes this person will change, or are u giving too much of your self to balance out the acceptance of your partners faults? In the end things can work out but it really comes down to if you are ultimately happy in your situation. Are you being given the kind of love you need?
Not to always bring up Mr. High School but its the most recent thing I can talk about (and there's more to the story I havent written about.) Ultimately those 3 reasons are why I ended it. I realized that Mr. High School was the way he was and there was no way that I could change/fix him (for some reason I'm one of those gals that's all about helping and taking care of the wounded boys....). Then I decided to be patient with him and decided that I accept him for who he is and really truly did, it took me breaking up with him to realize that but I did really accept him for who he was and I wanted to try it again and not have expectations of him and be more patient with him. Then I begged for him back... I didn't hear from him for a week then I get a text from him last sunday night and he just wanted to see what was up, no mention of any of the conversation we had the week prior. That was when I realized that I was worth more. That was when I realized that I wasn't happy because my thoughts and emotions weren't being recognized at all. So, a few days later I asked him not to text me for a while because it just hurt me.
Im sorry to have turned my friends dilema into an explanation of my relationship with Mr. High School, but I hope I was able to help her.
Really, as much as we wish it to be possible, people NEVER change. I mean, they do change, people can change, but if they choose to change for themselves... so let me rephrase it. YOU can never change a person. You are not that powerful, and no matter how hard you love a person and no matter how much you think your love for that person is enough to change them.. it just isn't. It's all up to the individual, whether it be your lover, your friend, or your family.
So, with that being said, look deep within and find your self worth and find what makes you happy and what kind of love you need and if it's being fulfilled. In the end, you only have you, right? Let's make sure that you're happy.
<3
p.s. i didnt feel like being grammatically correct or whatever... it's late and i'm tired.
p.p.s yes, i survived the earthquake and hurricane! woot!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
la la de da
So!!! Crazy how it's only been a week since my last post and I feel like I've done so much and have possibly grown and learned and breathed and enjoyed the things I could do for myself! I dunno if that made any sense.... here's whats been goin on with me!
Sunday Night
After a weekend with a guest/friend I haven't seen in 3 years I had a wonderful dinner with my bestie!! A much needed one :) We talked about our weekend and la de da and I talked about Mr. High School. Because, last weekend there were times anger came over me... anger and sadness. I talked it out with the bestie and I came to the conclusion that I really wanted to be with Mr. High School and I was gonna try to get him back. Now! This is something I've never really done before. This is something new. As I wrote in my post 2 weeks ago I broke up with Mr. High School as I did with Mr. Hands, really wanting them but not getting what I needed, breaking up with them and ultimately hoping they'd come back. Neither of them did that, which is cool it only helps me get to my future hubby. Anyways! So I've never really chased after a guy.... and I never really thought that after ending things with Mr. High School, that I'd go crawling back to him... I didn't do that with Mr. Hands. In short, I was exploring new terrain and I wasn't sure which way it was going to go and I guess I was okay with that.
I text Mr. High School asking him if he'd be into coming over this week for dinner to talk because I'd really like to make it work. Long story short, the convo was pretty much left with the ball in his court. I told him I didn't want to push him into doing something he didn't want to do and that if he'd wanna hang he can let me know. He really is a good guy... unless I'm completely blind and he's playin me, but from what it seems he's a good guy. I was a bit hopeful but also kinda pretty much knew that I probably wouldn't hear from him... and I was right. I haven't heard from him since, and guess what? I'm okay with it. I really surprise myself sometimes!!!! I was totally torn and heartbroken when I ended it with him because I really didn't want to, I just needed to. Then I went beggin for him, he didn't bite and bam, the end. I think, I guess I'm not feelin' that bad about it because I know I tried, and I told him how I felt and nothing was left unsaid. I feel good about it.
Wednesday
I treated myself to a beautiful bouquet of flowers and cooked myself a delicious dinner.... I freakin romanced myself!
Thursday
I bought me a Kitchenaid mixer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another way of romancing myself!!
Saturday and Sunday
I painted my bedroom brown!!!! Something I've been dying to do because I hated the yellow color it was. This room was a bit of a challenge. I had my heart set on painting the whole room, then a friend suggested I only paint 2 walls I considered it because I got worried it'd be too dark with brown walls!!!! So I freaked sat night and sunday morning but I went back to my original idea of painting the whole room because guess what people... we can always paint it back!!! Anyways, I'm in love with my room!!! I put some awesome lighting and my colorful things just pop out it really is awesome! My brother helped me with the lighting!! Props to him <3
Conclusion
I'm feelin' great! I'm feeling the power of positivity. I'm feeling the enjoyment of romancing myself and doing things for myself and loving the things that I love and allowing myself to enjoy them. A lot of the times I guess I feel like I don't need to or deserve to take the time out to do little or big things for myself. These things matter. In the end you only have yourself you can depend on.
I was talking with this boy, I've mentioned him several times, he's a friend....ex-lover from long ago...sigh...hehe.. anyways I'll call him Mr. Orange. He asked me if I was making a home for myself and I am. We got to talking about how I'm planning on being in this apartment for another 2-3yrs. I want to make this my home. I've moved around the past couple of years I want a stable place a stable ground a place where I can grow from. This is my home so why not make it me. I just felt empowered by the conversation and I felt a strong sense of confidence in myself. Even though I mentioned that if I meet my future husband and he wants to move someplace else I'd consider it (shit, I know I'd jump on that), aside from that I like that I was okay with the fact that I'd probably be living here by myself for the next 2-3yrs. I guess my path towards singledom acceptance has begun?
I still have my dreams though :) Especially since Mr. Orange and I have been talkin' a lot lately, haha... he's really been an amazing source of support for me this past year and ... well.. yeah, I'll leave it at that. It's really interesting how you can have different relationships with different people. It also necessarily doesn't lessen how you feel about each person in each relationship. We really are people of many faces.
Sunday Night
After a weekend with a guest/friend I haven't seen in 3 years I had a wonderful dinner with my bestie!! A much needed one :) We talked about our weekend and la de da and I talked about Mr. High School. Because, last weekend there were times anger came over me... anger and sadness. I talked it out with the bestie and I came to the conclusion that I really wanted to be with Mr. High School and I was gonna try to get him back. Now! This is something I've never really done before. This is something new. As I wrote in my post 2 weeks ago I broke up with Mr. High School as I did with Mr. Hands, really wanting them but not getting what I needed, breaking up with them and ultimately hoping they'd come back. Neither of them did that, which is cool it only helps me get to my future hubby. Anyways! So I've never really chased after a guy.... and I never really thought that after ending things with Mr. High School, that I'd go crawling back to him... I didn't do that with Mr. Hands. In short, I was exploring new terrain and I wasn't sure which way it was going to go and I guess I was okay with that.
I text Mr. High School asking him if he'd be into coming over this week for dinner to talk because I'd really like to make it work. Long story short, the convo was pretty much left with the ball in his court. I told him I didn't want to push him into doing something he didn't want to do and that if he'd wanna hang he can let me know. He really is a good guy... unless I'm completely blind and he's playin me, but from what it seems he's a good guy. I was a bit hopeful but also kinda pretty much knew that I probably wouldn't hear from him... and I was right. I haven't heard from him since, and guess what? I'm okay with it. I really surprise myself sometimes!!!! I was totally torn and heartbroken when I ended it with him because I really didn't want to, I just needed to. Then I went beggin for him, he didn't bite and bam, the end. I think, I guess I'm not feelin' that bad about it because I know I tried, and I told him how I felt and nothing was left unsaid. I feel good about it.
Wednesday
I treated myself to a beautiful bouquet of flowers and cooked myself a delicious dinner.... I freakin romanced myself!
Thursday
I bought me a Kitchenaid mixer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another way of romancing myself!!
Saturday and Sunday
I painted my bedroom brown!!!! Something I've been dying to do because I hated the yellow color it was. This room was a bit of a challenge. I had my heart set on painting the whole room, then a friend suggested I only paint 2 walls I considered it because I got worried it'd be too dark with brown walls!!!! So I freaked sat night and sunday morning but I went back to my original idea of painting the whole room because guess what people... we can always paint it back!!! Anyways, I'm in love with my room!!! I put some awesome lighting and my colorful things just pop out it really is awesome! My brother helped me with the lighting!! Props to him <3
Conclusion
I'm feelin' great! I'm feeling the power of positivity. I'm feeling the enjoyment of romancing myself and doing things for myself and loving the things that I love and allowing myself to enjoy them. A lot of the times I guess I feel like I don't need to or deserve to take the time out to do little or big things for myself. These things matter. In the end you only have yourself you can depend on.
I was talking with this boy, I've mentioned him several times, he's a friend....ex-lover from long ago...sigh...hehe.. anyways I'll call him Mr. Orange. He asked me if I was making a home for myself and I am. We got to talking about how I'm planning on being in this apartment for another 2-3yrs. I want to make this my home. I've moved around the past couple of years I want a stable place a stable ground a place where I can grow from. This is my home so why not make it me. I just felt empowered by the conversation and I felt a strong sense of confidence in myself. Even though I mentioned that if I meet my future husband and he wants to move someplace else I'd consider it (shit, I know I'd jump on that), aside from that I like that I was okay with the fact that I'd probably be living here by myself for the next 2-3yrs. I guess my path towards singledom acceptance has begun?
I still have my dreams though :) Especially since Mr. Orange and I have been talkin' a lot lately, haha... he's really been an amazing source of support for me this past year and ... well.. yeah, I'll leave it at that. It's really interesting how you can have different relationships with different people. It also necessarily doesn't lessen how you feel about each person in each relationship. We really are people of many faces.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Woooosaaaah?
Alright folks!
Thanks for bearing with me in that last post! What an angry, bitter gal I was! sheesh!! I'm doin' much better... still get angry from time to time but I think with the help of friends I am able to take a step toward living a positive life perhaps?? I seemed so far away from that the other night didn't I? I still get angry once in a while not because I feel I'll be single forever but angry at Mr. High School because really, I feel this all could have been avoided, it's understandable the way things presented themselves, I get it, I just wish he had more faith in me. I'm not judging at all, he just needs to do him ... I wish I could help :)
A couple things... I really truly do want to try and live a more positive life. I feel like I should keep a list by my bedside to remind myself of that. If I want to be romanced it all has to start with me. I have to be okay with the fact that fine, I might have to buy myself flowers for a while and that's okay, buying flowers is something that will bring positivity in my life. I need to write a list of things that make me happy, things that I want to do and try and just go for. Like, I want to go rock climbing, so I looked up indoor rock climbing places, I want to get on that! It's important for me to know what makes me happy before I can expect any one else to.
With that being said, not that I have to learn to be okay with being single, I have to learn to just accept. I need to stop putting the pressure on myself and the universe and just let whatever happen happen. I need to learn to enjoy life whether it be with someone or not. So, I know I might have said this a couple of times before, but I'm going to stop searching high and low for love. I for real need to really really focus on me. I've tried it so many times before but I've always failed at doing so. This time I'm going to really give it a good, solid 100% effort. And! I can't over think it, because that's when I fuck myself over, I just have to dive right into it. Follow my impulses, if you will.
Anyways, that's where I'm at... I don't know for how long or how short or whatever. But, that's where I'm at. The only person I can rely on to make me happy is me, and I owe myself a whole lotta love. This will be such a hard challenge because it is so easy to get trapped in the black hole. Today, I finally went to the beach with a friend, and we were having a good time. Then, midway I just got angry and I really felt like crying but I, of course, kept it all in. I did get easily agitated at one point. I just got so angry, again with this Mr. High School situation. I really truly like him and was really thinking that the possibility of something serious with him was in the future. Life doesn't always go as you planned or hoped it to be so what's the saying? "When life throws you lemons, make lemonade"?
So.... let me get a lil table, buy me some cups, a lil tin can for change, a couple pitchers, couple bags of ice and a bunch o' bags o' lemons!!!! Oh! And a couple pounds of sugar.... gotta make the lemonade sweet!
Thanks for bearing with me in that last post! What an angry, bitter gal I was! sheesh!! I'm doin' much better... still get angry from time to time but I think with the help of friends I am able to take a step toward living a positive life perhaps?? I seemed so far away from that the other night didn't I? I still get angry once in a while not because I feel I'll be single forever but angry at Mr. High School because really, I feel this all could have been avoided, it's understandable the way things presented themselves, I get it, I just wish he had more faith in me. I'm not judging at all, he just needs to do him ... I wish I could help :)
A couple things... I really truly do want to try and live a more positive life. I feel like I should keep a list by my bedside to remind myself of that. If I want to be romanced it all has to start with me. I have to be okay with the fact that fine, I might have to buy myself flowers for a while and that's okay, buying flowers is something that will bring positivity in my life. I need to write a list of things that make me happy, things that I want to do and try and just go for. Like, I want to go rock climbing, so I looked up indoor rock climbing places, I want to get on that! It's important for me to know what makes me happy before I can expect any one else to.
With that being said, not that I have to learn to be okay with being single, I have to learn to just accept. I need to stop putting the pressure on myself and the universe and just let whatever happen happen. I need to learn to enjoy life whether it be with someone or not. So, I know I might have said this a couple of times before, but I'm going to stop searching high and low for love. I for real need to really really focus on me. I've tried it so many times before but I've always failed at doing so. This time I'm going to really give it a good, solid 100% effort. And! I can't over think it, because that's when I fuck myself over, I just have to dive right into it. Follow my impulses, if you will.
Anyways, that's where I'm at... I don't know for how long or how short or whatever. But, that's where I'm at. The only person I can rely on to make me happy is me, and I owe myself a whole lotta love. This will be such a hard challenge because it is so easy to get trapped in the black hole. Today, I finally went to the beach with a friend, and we were having a good time. Then, midway I just got angry and I really felt like crying but I, of course, kept it all in. I did get easily agitated at one point. I just got so angry, again with this Mr. High School situation. I really truly like him and was really thinking that the possibility of something serious with him was in the future. Life doesn't always go as you planned or hoped it to be so what's the saying? "When life throws you lemons, make lemonade"?
So.... let me get a lil table, buy me some cups, a lil tin can for change, a couple pitchers, couple bags of ice and a bunch o' bags o' lemons!!!! Oh! And a couple pounds of sugar.... gotta make the lemonade sweet!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Disney ruined my life
So, tonight I ended things with Mr. High School.....I feel I may mourn him for a day or two... possibly a week, but that's all I'm allowing myself to mourn for!!!!!! ..... i hope.....
Gah, I was in the shower thinking and this overwhelming feeling came over me. This is not where I want to be in life. This is not how I imagined my life to be. I'm fucking 28... and swimming.... possibly drowning in a fishbowl full of fishies that don't want me, vice versa,or aren't Mr. Right. And I know times have changed, I know, I get it... it's okay to be single at 28.... I know... BUT FUCK IT!!! I don't care what time we are in what we are supposed to want and need... this is what I want... i want love and happiness and companionship and I want it to start right now. Forgive me for being a sourpuss, forgive me for being a lame ass, forgive me for expecting and for wanting and needing these things. I mean, is it really too much to ask? Universe, give me a fucking answer! GAH!
Love has failed me so many times, and yet I always put all my eggs in its basket.. every fuckin time... and you can fuck me over again and again but it's okay because in the name of love everything is okay... (sarcasm)....right? Forgive my anger... I'm just really fed up with all of this.
Disney can suck it too! Thank you for putting these idealistic fucking ideas in my head. Thank you every romcom out there putting these fucked up unrealistic ideas in my head! This happened with Mr. Hands too. I ended both relationships knowing that it was the best for me, but still wanting these boys and dreaming that well.. if I end it and they really wanted me they'd fight for me. So could you believe that 1/2 of me is ending a relationship and the other 1/2 is still really hanging on holding on super tight/strong hoping and praying this guy will fight for me. How naive of me... ha! Good job, me!
My friend once said something along the lines that maybe certain people are meant to be single and that's okay. I don't want to be okay with being single for the rest of my life. I don't want to buy flowers for myself for the rest of my life. I want to buy flowers with someone for the rest of my life. I don't want to eat at my kitchen table by myself. I don't want to go to sleep by myself. Fuck.
I'm angry... I am. When you look at the list of guys I've been with its depressing. Since my first serious relationship, when my love life really began this is how it went down.
Beautiful no? Smashing list I got there! What is my problem... obviously the common factor in this is me. Can someone just hypnotize me and fix me. Okay, I gotta give myself some credit, I'm not entirely the one at fault. I do tend to settle for less a lot of the times and just that, I never give myself enough credit. Okay, so, scratch that.... can someone hypnotize me and make me think I'm the hottest shit that ever walked the face of the earth and just not give a fuck about any1 or anything so I can be completely content living all all all alone? Or a nicer version of that.
Then I was thinking.. okay.. so when I date a guy I like to date guys that are sort of different than the rest, they have a unique quality to them, they are exciting in some way. So, I was thinkin, maybe I should just settle for some boring dude? Maybe I should just pick a "normal" dude and give up on finding true love and happiness in the "exciting boy" world.
Anyways, whatever... it is what it is.... everything is what it is right? I'll just see what next dude the universe has to chuck my way.... as of now, I gotta start making money so I can have a baby by myself by the time I turn 35, because that's what it looks like whats in my cards.
let me live in self pity and anger for a few... don't judge me :)
Gah, I was in the shower thinking and this overwhelming feeling came over me. This is not where I want to be in life. This is not how I imagined my life to be. I'm fucking 28... and swimming.... possibly drowning in a fishbowl full of fishies that don't want me, vice versa,or aren't Mr. Right. And I know times have changed, I know, I get it... it's okay to be single at 28.... I know... BUT FUCK IT!!! I don't care what time we are in what we are supposed to want and need... this is what I want... i want love and happiness and companionship and I want it to start right now. Forgive me for being a sourpuss, forgive me for being a lame ass, forgive me for expecting and for wanting and needing these things. I mean, is it really too much to ask? Universe, give me a fucking answer! GAH!
Love has failed me so many times, and yet I always put all my eggs in its basket.. every fuckin time... and you can fuck me over again and again but it's okay because in the name of love everything is okay... (sarcasm)....right? Forgive my anger... I'm just really fed up with all of this.
Disney can suck it too! Thank you for putting these idealistic fucking ideas in my head. Thank you every romcom out there putting these fucked up unrealistic ideas in my head! This happened with Mr. Hands too. I ended both relationships knowing that it was the best for me, but still wanting these boys and dreaming that well.. if I end it and they really wanted me they'd fight for me. So could you believe that 1/2 of me is ending a relationship and the other 1/2 is still really hanging on holding on super tight/strong hoping and praying this guy will fight for me. How naive of me... ha! Good job, me!
My friend once said something along the lines that maybe certain people are meant to be single and that's okay. I don't want to be okay with being single for the rest of my life. I don't want to buy flowers for myself for the rest of my life. I want to buy flowers with someone for the rest of my life. I don't want to eat at my kitchen table by myself. I don't want to go to sleep by myself. Fuck.
I'm angry... I am. When you look at the list of guys I've been with its depressing. Since my first serious relationship, when my love life really began this is how it went down.
- First love 3 yrs... ended... a few months later he found his current wife
- saw a few dudes randomly after.. no emotions attatched it was nice.
- started a no emotions attached relationship with a dude then i fell for him but moved
- started seeing a dude I thought was my future husband, we had a history, one visit turned into a night of me watching him get wasted and continuously hook up with his coworker while he told me he loved me yay! (I should write about this story one day..ha.. its classic)
- started a long distance relationship with a guy who spoke so well he could sell u a bag of shit, and that's what he did to me :) moved for him.... it ended... a few months later he started dating a girl with my name (spelled diff)....
- Mr Hands short but awesome time
- Mr. High School got me all kinds of confused
Beautiful no? Smashing list I got there! What is my problem... obviously the common factor in this is me. Can someone just hypnotize me and fix me. Okay, I gotta give myself some credit, I'm not entirely the one at fault. I do tend to settle for less a lot of the times and just that, I never give myself enough credit. Okay, so, scratch that.... can someone hypnotize me and make me think I'm the hottest shit that ever walked the face of the earth and just not give a fuck about any1 or anything so I can be completely content living all all all alone? Or a nicer version of that.
Then I was thinking.. okay.. so when I date a guy I like to date guys that are sort of different than the rest, they have a unique quality to them, they are exciting in some way. So, I was thinkin, maybe I should just settle for some boring dude? Maybe I should just pick a "normal" dude and give up on finding true love and happiness in the "exciting boy" world.
Anyways, whatever... it is what it is.... everything is what it is right? I'll just see what next dude the universe has to chuck my way.... as of now, I gotta start making money so I can have a baby by myself by the time I turn 35, because that's what it looks like whats in my cards.
let me live in self pity and anger for a few... don't judge me :)
Monday, August 8, 2011
Tick Tock
Seriously, my biological clock could not be ticking any faster after the week I just had! One would think that spending a week with a 16month old would be a perfect form of birth control (as an aside can I just share something funny? when I went to type birth for some reason my fingers typed in bitch, lol-ing.). I was in New Foundland visiting friends of mine from CA. They have a 16month old baby, the cutest thing I ever did see!! I want one now, real bad! But! We do know, that 35 is my new 30 so I have to keep reminding myself that. There is no way I can support a baby, shit I cant even support my own damn self, financially, emotionally, oy oy oy!
So, I guess we gotta put that idea on the back burner. But ugh, I really want one! Let's move on to the next topic of info. Get this, I'm going to a wedding today! A family friend is getting married. I'm super excited for her! I'm looking forward to this joyous occasion and I'm also a little hesitant, for several reasons:
1. I just spent a week with a baby and now I'm gonna go to a wedding, my clock is probably steaming right now the second hand is just going in fast fast fast circles and the whole thing is about to spontaneously combust! Almost like drunk Roger Rabbit.
2. So, she's a family friend we basically have seen ourselves grow up. She's just a tad younger than I am. My whole life that I've known her, my father compared me to her. Growing up I felt a bit of animosity towards her because I never felt good enough. I put those feelings aside and she really is an awesome gal, I'm completely 100% happy for her. What I'm not looking forward to is the possibility of someone telling me that I need to get married.
I got back yesterday from New Foundland, sat down with my brother and father and was recounting my time spent away. I mentioned that my biological clock got to ticking faster after spending a week with a baby. My dad didn't really understand the concept of the biological clock. I explained it to him, I said "well, when most women near the age of 30 and they're not married or have kids yet , their clock starts ticking, they need to get these things done." Thus leading my father to giving me a lecture that men don't fall from the sky and that I can't sit around and wait for him to come. Then it escalated to a big ass argument. I hate it, I HATE it!!! HATE IT!!!! When my father tells me things he thinks I don't already know! And when he pushes the wrong buttons. It's almost as if in every juncture of my life when I need positive support I get shoved a pile of shit down my throat.
Another thing that's super changed is I don't know whats going on, but every time a week before I get my lovely period my head goes in psycho mode!!!!! It's never really done it before, or maybe I've never realized... but these past couple of months I just turn into a freakin psycho lady! It really does not aide in the whole clock ticking process either! I feel like my clock ticks faster a week before my period because I start to freak about ridiculous things!!! But maybe they're not ridiculous, maybe they are things that I should freak about? Who knows! It's annoying me and I'm sure annoying others as well... thanks for sticking through with me!
--------------
So it's 2 days after I started writing this post, and..wel... I ended up not going to the wedding! I went shopping found a wonderful dress for the event, got home, took a nap and that was it. I started feeling sick in the morning but I was pushing through it. After the nap I was done. So, I've been bed ridden for about 2 days now! yikes!!
Can I just say... this is something I've always hated. Being sick while living alone. It's like the worst thing ever. My friends offered to get stuff for me which is super nice, and my very insisting father brought over 8 cans of soup and veggies and Feta cheese. My fav food to eat when sick is toast with feta. mmm mmm mmm! But yes, I hate being sick and living alone, its the neediness in me. Maybe I'm just a really really really annoyingly needy person!!!
You know how you go about your days not really knowing how others percieve you? I would love for ya'll to tell me how you perceive me... tell me I'm a needy pain in the ass, I'll take it.
At this point, my post has gone in so many different directions.... yawn..... I think I'll stop now...
enjoy?
<3
So, I guess we gotta put that idea on the back burner. But ugh, I really want one! Let's move on to the next topic of info. Get this, I'm going to a wedding today! A family friend is getting married. I'm super excited for her! I'm looking forward to this joyous occasion and I'm also a little hesitant, for several reasons:
1. I just spent a week with a baby and now I'm gonna go to a wedding, my clock is probably steaming right now the second hand is just going in fast fast fast circles and the whole thing is about to spontaneously combust! Almost like drunk Roger Rabbit.
2. So, she's a family friend we basically have seen ourselves grow up. She's just a tad younger than I am. My whole life that I've known her, my father compared me to her. Growing up I felt a bit of animosity towards her because I never felt good enough. I put those feelings aside and she really is an awesome gal, I'm completely 100% happy for her. What I'm not looking forward to is the possibility of someone telling me that I need to get married.
I got back yesterday from New Foundland, sat down with my brother and father and was recounting my time spent away. I mentioned that my biological clock got to ticking faster after spending a week with a baby. My dad didn't really understand the concept of the biological clock. I explained it to him, I said "well, when most women near the age of 30 and they're not married or have kids yet , their clock starts ticking, they need to get these things done." Thus leading my father to giving me a lecture that men don't fall from the sky and that I can't sit around and wait for him to come. Then it escalated to a big ass argument. I hate it, I HATE it!!! HATE IT!!!! When my father tells me things he thinks I don't already know! And when he pushes the wrong buttons. It's almost as if in every juncture of my life when I need positive support I get shoved a pile of shit down my throat.
Another thing that's super changed is I don't know whats going on, but every time a week before I get my lovely period my head goes in psycho mode!!!!! It's never really done it before, or maybe I've never realized... but these past couple of months I just turn into a freakin psycho lady! It really does not aide in the whole clock ticking process either! I feel like my clock ticks faster a week before my period because I start to freak about ridiculous things!!! But maybe they're not ridiculous, maybe they are things that I should freak about? Who knows! It's annoying me and I'm sure annoying others as well... thanks for sticking through with me!
--------------
So it's 2 days after I started writing this post, and..wel... I ended up not going to the wedding! I went shopping found a wonderful dress for the event, got home, took a nap and that was it. I started feeling sick in the morning but I was pushing through it. After the nap I was done. So, I've been bed ridden for about 2 days now! yikes!!
Can I just say... this is something I've always hated. Being sick while living alone. It's like the worst thing ever. My friends offered to get stuff for me which is super nice, and my very insisting father brought over 8 cans of soup and veggies and Feta cheese. My fav food to eat when sick is toast with feta. mmm mmm mmm! But yes, I hate being sick and living alone, its the neediness in me. Maybe I'm just a really really really annoyingly needy person!!!
You know how you go about your days not really knowing how others percieve you? I would love for ya'll to tell me how you perceive me... tell me I'm a needy pain in the ass, I'll take it.
At this point, my post has gone in so many different directions.... yawn..... I think I'll stop now...
enjoy?
<3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
